Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...1#pid73111

Alright so this was right before I went on hiatus for a while, but i feel like it was pretty strong, and a good demonstration of Demetri's cunning, strategy, and a bit of his frailness. I was also about to post a link for my alt, Dave Strider, but almost forgot that one roleplay per person ^~^ perhaps after this i will let a few others go before I request a C&C for Dave.

-RUN-ON SENTENCES. Easy to write, difficult to read. You do them a lot. I do too, trust me. It's a hard habit to break. The first paragraph alone was packed full of em. Here is an example:

==Then, as the combination of attacks from the attacking front managed to weaken the primal being for just a moment, the Headmaster, in his new form, took her out from the sky, bringing her to the ground, stirring up a cloud of dust while small spurts of magma sprouted from the new crater in the Ashen.==

So that's one sentence. Remember that when you are writing this, you want to display in such a way that the reader is able to follow it in their head. When a sentence drags on and on like that, their mind kind of drags with it, as they aren't sure when the thought is going to end. It made the first few paragraphs (which was all action) difficult for me to follow.

Here is how I'd fix it:

==Then, the combination of attacks from the attacking front managed to weaken the primal being for just a moment. The Headmaster (now in his new form) took her out from the sky to the ground, which stirred up a cloud of dust while small spurts of magma sprouted from the new crater in the Ashen. ==

Try to remember that a short sentence is not a bad sentence. It's okay to say things like 'He put the book down' instead of explaining in detail what the book looked like. Some people are scared of not using adjectives on every little thing. That's the beginning of the 'run-on sentence' problem, and it evolves from there. (Like I said...I suffer from run-on sentence-itis too)

-ALL ACTION. I would have liked to get into your character's head a bit. I suppose this is a writing preference thing, but it kind of felt like I was watching a movie as opposed to reading a story. The cool thing about the written word is that you can really get into thoughts and emotions. You focused almost entirely on actions. Not being able to feel Demetri's struggle left me missing a dimension I think you needed.

+DETAILS. I mean, you know you solid details. There is a sense of confidence in the way you describe things. I also appreciate that you don't use big words all the time. I tend to keep a thesaurus open all the time and sometimes that hurts me because I rely on so much. You manage to keep a solid vocabulary without going off the wall with it. Remember, your narrator is a POWERFUL tool. They can explain anything, from recapping the past to walking the reader through the present, to hinting at the future.

+SUPPORTING CHARACTER. I like IRIS.

+DIALOGUE. On that note, I enjoyed your dialogue, especially with your secondary.

+ENDING. Really felt like I was watching a young adult movie where the hero is fighting a dragon. Physical scenes are definitely your forte.


Grade: *** and 1/2 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.