NEO HYPER Book Club #5 (30th July - When I Say)

[Gilgamesh]

Trixie:

“You’re lucky I can fucking fight because they’re offering me a job and I said I’d only do it with you by my side. We are Ensign’s again thanks to your stampede through Imperial protocol!”

I feel like this dialogue could be broken up by describing how Trixie feels during this. Maybe split the sentences with some facial movements because reading it through felt a little weird.

Your writing is really good and descript but I feel like you could make the dialogue more clear on who is saying it and I feel like you could add a lot more emotion by adding a little something to the dialogue. This might just be personal preference though.

I liked your second post a lot better. The only comment I have is the awkward phrasing of “calming her respiratory system” to describe her as coughing. This might be stylistic to describe Trixie since I haven’t read much of your material but it was something I noticed.

“Well that’s going to need a lot of work…” The mistress said as her helmet visor liquefied, exposing her face.

“That and the Imperial ARC 170 in the back.”

“You have an ARC 170?” Nova asked as she grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher off the wall and emptied it into the nearest engine vent.

The middle sentence I couldn’t tell who was speaking for a moment. I got it was Trixie but it would be easier to read if it was told to the reader

BTW I love the romance with Trixie and Nova, it’s a nice written chemistry that I enjoy reading.  

Android 17:

I am just reading the first posts of Android 17 and I like his carefree style. It’s a good portrayal.

Okay the more I read the more I like the witty comments. I’m not sure if I have any great comments for you to improve on. Your character is very likeable and the interactions with authorities is both enjoyable to read and believable. I haven't read the source material but from the internal thoughts and Dialogue i feel as if i have a good grasp on the character.

Ah yes, those ‘crimes’ I committed by walking through a gate.

A+. Appreciate the humor

“I’m he—” the cyborg paused midsentence to turn his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He turned back to his new acquaintances and flashed a blood-marred grin. “I’m here to drain the lake.”

GROAAAAAAN

Fight Scene with El Lago is A+ very good.

Overall:

I like how you formatted the story. By introducing how 17 got into the Empire while establishing that Trixie was an Empire soldier really made it feel like there was a connected story going on.

Guest Appearances from Diablo are always exciting

This is an enjoyable read. I would recommend both for Great Writing Bonus and I’m sure it meets all the qualifications.  The balance between gravity and humor was well balanced and the read was really fun