Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

After this, could I have a quick C&C of my latest post in the Avengers thread?

-Length. You had a pretty important roleplay here in the grand scheme of the story, and you didn't really take advantage of it. You really rushed it. For example, you had Judy and Blink meet up immediately instead of taking a moment to explain where Judy was or what happened since we last saw her. You really skipped some solid character development opportunities.

-Character Development. On that note, I have a challenge for you going forward. Try to have Judy react to everything that happens in your roleplay. Either through her thoughts, actions, or the narrator explaining how it made her feel. For example, how does Judy feel about Blink disobeying the group again? How she feel about Carlton as he's about to shoot Vision? How did she feel at the end, when they successfully freed him? I want to get inside Judy's head. Remember, this is a JUDY HOPPS roleplay. This is her story. She's the star.

-Bolded font. Your color coding system is fine, but the bolded font for the nobody-charater makes them seem more important then they are.

-Details. In addition to adding character thoughts, you need to set the scenes a lot better. An example is the section in the roleplay that starts with "Freeze!" It's 15 words and 2/3 of that is dialogue. I have no idea what happened there. Try to look at it from the perspective of the reader...they have nothing to form an image in their mind of what is going on. You have all the information in your head, you just have to figure out how to explain it in a way that conveys the general image to the reader.

+Color coding. When done right, it's awesome. You do it right. Though I'd have given Carlton a color since he's an important character. No biggie, I don't really count that as a negative.

+Your dialogue is solid.

Overall, it was way too short given amount of things that you had happen. From two big characters meeting up, springing a plan, setting a rescue and then looking cool at the end, you really skipped a lot of the juicy bits that would have made it significant. It wasn't a bad roleplay, but...it didn't really tell a story. It gave the cliff notes version of the story.

Grade: 3/4 of a star

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.