Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6104

This is for the Smuggling quest, but it's incomplete. I want to see what you think of it so far.

Note: I read your first roleplay in this thread.



+That was weird. It a good way.

-Pacing. So my biggest issue with this piece is the pacing. I think this is mainly because you didn't really give equal detail to each dream. You focused strongly on the first one, then by the last dream I think it was obvious you wrapping it up and might have rushed it a bit. I know the feeling, trust me. It felt like you got lost in the dramatic effect at the end and went right into it instead of spending more time setting the scene.

-Organization. Your character, 'the dreamer', went in and out of three different dreams, but I kind of had a hard time tracking it. I think it might have good to find something to indicate the ending of a dream, such as a sound effect or maybe a quote. What if she heard the word 'Sleep?' everytime she fell back asleep. I also feel like you might have abused the 'break paragraphs for dramatic effect' at the end there a bit. The last five paragraphs were really short and I'm not sure they needed to be spaced out like that. I would have probably combined the 'She wasn't...', 'Thinking?' and 'Finally,' paragraphs, which would have made 'It was her' stand out much more dramatically.

-Details. I had to figure out a lot of it for myself. I understand that you dreamer is supposed to be lost and not sure what's going on, but I think you could have utilized the narrator a bit to at least keep the reader informed. I wish you would have spent more time explaining the significance of each dream, or the differences between the three the further she went. Like I said earlier, the third dream (and the last third of the roleplay in general) felt very neglected/rushed. Definetly use your narrator to really set the scene and tell the reader what they need to know (or see).

+Character. Loved the way you disassociated 'the dreamer' from your character, Madotsuki. It really nailed home the concept that this is a dream and in this dream, this person doesn't who they really are. I never would have thought of it, but never saying her name really added to the reading experience.

+Dramatic Effect. I know I dinged you on the dramatic effect in the end being a bit overdone, but kudos for the 'She wanted' and 'She needed' lines. Great example of dramatic storytelling.

+Storytelling.I really felt legitimate dread as I was reading the character coming in and out of the dream and discovering the creature. I was also really fooled as I thought she was really waking up the first couple of times. While I might gripe about the reader not being informed of certain things, you withheld the proper amount of information in this case to make the reader genuinly surprised (and wanting to know more) as 'the dreamer' continued in their experience.

+Ending. While predictable, it was a good ending and really made me want to keep reading (which I will, certainly).

Overall, I really enjoyed it. No issues with the length, though I was lacking details connecting the dreams/places, especially in the end. Pacing was a bit shaky but your storytelling was excellent. It made me want to keep reading and had me asking questions. Great job.

Grade: ***

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.