Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=6205

This is called: Dreadlocked Stranger.

I know it's not much, but it leads up to a quest i'm working on.

-Felt kind of rushed, to be honest. I feel like you could slowed down a bit and given us some extra details. You told me about the device Torn was holding but then completely skipped over him walking through Tier 1 and going to the bar. What is the bar called? How did the people in it react to seeing Torn? What did the bartender look like? If someone was to jump into this thread with you, they'd have to fill in a lot of question marks themselves. You don't have to give ALL the details but certainly enough to paint a picture.

-I don't know the backstory here. I don't know why Torn has this device from Jak or what it does. I don't know why he's asking about the F-Zero races. Obviously, you answered this in a thread prior. A good thing I always do is when I'm starting a thread, I always recap where my character is at emotionally and how they got there. I try to make sure anyone who is joining me or reading along has the basic details of my story. You can either do this using the narrator, or just using thoughts from the character to let the reader know. Another option is to use quotes to give a 'previously on' summary, but that's probably the least attractive choice.

-You started color coding at the end of the roleplay, but you didn't code it at the middle. So I had a hard time knowing who was talking and when. The first dialogue is normal text, then bold, then blue, then green. Keep it consistent. If you are going to color code, it has to stay the same code the whole time.

-In a 450-ish word roleplay, you called Torn by his name 7 times. Try to find other ways to describe him so you aren't re-using words. Like instead of saying Blink, I'll call her 'the teleporter' or 'the pink-skinned one.'

-You have 11 paragraphs for a 450 word roleplay. If that's your style, no problem at all. But from a reader's standpoint, I will only change paragraphs when something changes. Examples include when someone new starts talking, when a new event happens or when the narrator starts explaining something new. I try to keep paragraphs related to the thing same and then move on, rather then have 1-2 sentence paragraphs. Don't get me wrong, sometime you have to have short paragraphs. But a lot of yours in this roleplay can be put together. Call it an organizational tool for the reader.

-With all that said (sorry!), the roleplay was short and to the point. That's a good thing. You kept it simple and you got the message across. There was no fluff.  If you did add anything, it'd just be details. The main purpose of the roleplay (Torn getting info about the races) was sold and sold well. No confusion there.

1.5 stars out of 5.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion. Different strokes for different folks. Feel free to ignore some/all of it.