02-15-2018, 05:31 AM
I performed this C&C as I read, so that may explain some of my delayed reaction in comments.
Trixie: I liked the idea to brand your character with their prison number from the Underverse, making her physically carry her experience with her. Making mention of it in the first post was a nice touch.
So, about the kiss, it was well done and all, however I felt like King Bradly was the kind of man to find annoyance in this kind of public display of affection. There is a time and place for everything and I felt he would have shown a little disdain for it. You mentioned that he had been stern during it, but I wish you had shown us more of his response to the kiss. Food for thought, sometimes a reaction to an action is just as good if not better than the original action. An uncomfortable, annoyed Bradly would have been fun to read.
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Ah, the old “ancient force ghost contained within an abandoned sword” trap. Nice. Good stuff. I love when players are able to find conflict within the most mundane of events, like searching a storage unit. Kuddos.
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Story Teller killed it in the Luna/Jaxx standoff. Yo, fuck Bardan Jaxx. Luna didn’t deserve to go out that way. xD
---
Trixie’s Space Chase: I’m sorry, but when Trixie said this line, ““I need more power!” Trixie shouted back to Nova.” All I could think was, “I’m giving it all she’s got Captain!” Lol xD!!!!
0o0o0o0o, wait, you did use that line. Lmao. Iconic.
“Combat Exoskeleton Tallgeese!” --- (O_O) Gundam meets Star Wars? Joe, I f*cking love you. Haha
Ending the post with the teasing of a shower scene--- I feel like I would like to see more push and pull between Trixie and Nova. Maybe it’s just me, but I get into relationships where there’s a chase. So that’s my advice, work more on sexual tension, less on sexual. Well, just balance the two out really. The pursuit of getting the romantic interests affection a lot of times is a more interesting read than the actual affection.
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Aisha Knudal- Anytime someone works under the Judge I get super hype about them. ‘nuff said.
Oh shit, she’s Luna’s sister? F*ck Jaxx, get ‘em girl! =O
““Everything will be revealed in time.” His voice trailed off into the void, a sinister tone dripping from his words.” ---- I already don’t like this guy. Lol, but you’ve done a good job of keeping intrigue and mystery with him. I’m not sure what he’ll bring, I’m just sure I won’t like it. Good stuff.
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Android 17-
OH SH*T I been waiting for Alex to pop up. Hype is real.
“Who creates giant stone statues of themselves on the sides of their mountain forts?” I like how 17 mocked the outlandishness of this. Felt real. Felt like what anyone real person not born of fantasy would say.
“The shimmering façade was likely to be just that—a layer of veneer to hide a centralized bureaucracy built on strength and suppression of subversives.” This felt like a Protoman line. I don’t really have critique other than when I read this line I immediately thought it sounded like the ilk f Protoman. May want to watch out for this as your two characters are similar, just my two cents.
Bruh, the Empire be some dicks arresting our boy for basically nothing. Lame. They lucky 17 didn’t smoke they ass. Real talk.
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These cops don’t care about you 17. They see Primes coming through here all day long. Nice touch.
““What about my brooding good looks and a smolder that could melt the heart of a nun?”” --- Yes, let this man go. (Good line)
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You know, I never considered pondering which powers and abilities my character desired IC. It’s an interesting take.
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El Lago. Sounds nefarious. Let’s murder kill him.
Lmao! That does mean lake, huh? Nice.
Personally, I think it would have been more realistic if 17 did just bail on this mission. Like fuck these wankers, but I get it, you needed the plot to go that way.
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I love 17’s overall sarcastic tone. Sarcasm is often played out or not executed well enough. You don’t have these problems.
Didn’t see that explosion coming. Nicely done. Only thing missing was a *BOOM* =P!
-----
These stories could have intertwined more. Not to harp on Joe about activity, but it would have been nice to bounce back and forth between the stories more frequently. Otherwise it seems like they are two different stories that don’t go together, even if they eventually merge. Again, I understand it’s probably an activity issue and can’t be helped, but that doesn’t make it any less jarring to the reader. After the explosion but before the next post when the details comes would have been nice place to hear from Trixie, as to leave us on the edge about 17’s explosion crisis. Creating suspense is a huge win for your writing and I feel like there was a missed opportunity here.
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17- “Feeling the breeze on his fingertips, Seventeen closed his eyes and mumbled one of his favorite phrases.” I love how you depicted cursing without the vulgarity of it. Well played.
“I’m he—” the cyborg paused midsentence to turn his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He turned back to his new acquaintances and flashed a blood-marred grin. “I’m here to drain the lake.”—Yaaaaaassssss. See, this is why you generate such hype. Fuck you. This was gold.
So, when I took to the task of doing this C&C, I told myself I wanted to find something to legitimately critique you for Alex, and, however small it is, I think I found something that needs fixing. You use the phrase ‘beat’ too much. A beat later, without skipping a beat, in a beat, two beats and, etc. I’m only catching it now because I’ve probably read more of your work than anyone else’s work and you reuse the shit out of this. My advice is to find some variety for this tool. You also frequent ‘peppered’ quite a bit, so much that I can tell when you’re the Story Teller, because of it xD Though it’s not as often as the beat reoccurrence. Again, it’s little, but its productive criticism!
When did El Lago become Lady Gaga? PLOT TWIST! Lol
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Decapitated her, nice. However!... You should be hung for crimes against humor for this line, ““Looks like the lake got…” Seventeen paused to sneer. “Evaporated.” Lol =P Nice post.
-----
Yaaay, Trixie posts are back.
As such he filed the paperwork and Beatrix Zulenka was given the title of Second Lieutenant, Special Forces Division, Imperial Army, Regiment 13. ----- OH SNAP, promotion! It’s all about that dental baby.
It’s a little jarring that we’re back in Trixie’s story and Aisha is fatally injured from some action the reader wasn’t privy to. /end rant
Other than that it was a good post and I am legit concerned for Aisha. She still needs to avenge Luna. Don’t die girl.
----
17- New post and there is that infamous ‘a beat later’. Tsk, tsk. =P!
“Yea, I guess.” Seventeen responded. “I jammed the little think into her and she went blam!” To emphasize his point, the raven-haired warrior made sure to pantomime a gratuitous explosion with his bony, bloody fingers.----- The imagery here made me chuckle. Kuddos.
“Do you salt the earth afterwards?” Seventeen laughed. The trooper tilted his helmet. “Do you suspect fel magicks? Should I call the arcanists?” “Fucking incredible.” ---- more chuckles. You good man, you real good.
---
Lol, it’s funny to me that 17 has to complete his community service serving Trixie. Crack dat whip. Make him do stupid shit… xD
“Lady sergeant?” Seventeen inquired. “Man, for a fascist dictatorship, this place sure does bludgeon you with the strong female lead trope, doesn’t it?” --- Hey, women can’t be fascists? That’s sexiest Bruh. Leave the feminazi alone.
Alex just won the thread with this line, “The cyborg leaned in toward the lieutenant. “You could use some racing stripes to really make your outfit pop.” I’m finding I enjoy your 17 more than your Proto =O
----
“Jaxx in custody. Imperial Intelligence claiming authority?”--- OH SNAP! Joe, somebody better gank that mother f*cker. Straight up.
…..
F*ck Dredd and his jurisdiction. GANK THAT MOTHER F*CKER!!! xD
I liked this post. What Trixie has to go through heavily correlates to what real soldiers have to go through. (Shitty equipment failure, lack of rest between duty to the point of sleep deprivation, etc.) Nicely done Joe.
----
And just like that, BAM, Diablo. Not gonna lie, this story teller post has made me weary of ever siding with Diablo to get out. 20k words and this prick is still a problem for players. What a dick. Lol
----
Post 21 is my favorite post because nostalgia. When Karl Jak came on and 17 wasn’t having it. Good stuff Alex.
---
“Checkmate, asshole.” Bardan Jaxx had paid for his crimes. ----- Yaaaaassss. F*ckin finally. F*ck. Hated that guy.
----
Gotta say, this wouldn’t have been as nice without a light saber battle at the end. Overall this thread was awesome. I def didn’t expect Diablo to pop up, nor for you to send him a new plaything. Great read. I’d say both deserved a great bonus with Alex slightly ahead due to his humor and slightly better flow of story telling, but I gotta say Joe, you’ve come worlds from where you were when I first read your work many years ago. This shit was tight, you’ve grown into a bad ass role player/writer, kudos.
Alex, you suck. Git Gud Skrub. =P! <3!
Trixie: I liked the idea to brand your character with their prison number from the Underverse, making her physically carry her experience with her. Making mention of it in the first post was a nice touch.
So, about the kiss, it was well done and all, however I felt like King Bradly was the kind of man to find annoyance in this kind of public display of affection. There is a time and place for everything and I felt he would have shown a little disdain for it. You mentioned that he had been stern during it, but I wish you had shown us more of his response to the kiss. Food for thought, sometimes a reaction to an action is just as good if not better than the original action. An uncomfortable, annoyed Bradly would have been fun to read.
---
Ah, the old “ancient force ghost contained within an abandoned sword” trap. Nice. Good stuff. I love when players are able to find conflict within the most mundane of events, like searching a storage unit. Kuddos.
---
Story Teller killed it in the Luna/Jaxx standoff. Yo, fuck Bardan Jaxx. Luna didn’t deserve to go out that way. xD
---
Trixie’s Space Chase: I’m sorry, but when Trixie said this line, ““I need more power!” Trixie shouted back to Nova.” All I could think was, “I’m giving it all she’s got Captain!” Lol xD!!!!
0o0o0o0o, wait, you did use that line. Lmao. Iconic.
“Combat Exoskeleton Tallgeese!” --- (O_O) Gundam meets Star Wars? Joe, I f*cking love you. Haha
Ending the post with the teasing of a shower scene--- I feel like I would like to see more push and pull between Trixie and Nova. Maybe it’s just me, but I get into relationships where there’s a chase. So that’s my advice, work more on sexual tension, less on sexual. Well, just balance the two out really. The pursuit of getting the romantic interests affection a lot of times is a more interesting read than the actual affection.
-------
Aisha Knudal- Anytime someone works under the Judge I get super hype about them. ‘nuff said.
Oh shit, she’s Luna’s sister? F*ck Jaxx, get ‘em girl! =O
““Everything will be revealed in time.” His voice trailed off into the void, a sinister tone dripping from his words.” ---- I already don’t like this guy. Lol, but you’ve done a good job of keeping intrigue and mystery with him. I’m not sure what he’ll bring, I’m just sure I won’t like it. Good stuff.
---------
Android 17-
OH SH*T I been waiting for Alex to pop up. Hype is real.
“Who creates giant stone statues of themselves on the sides of their mountain forts?” I like how 17 mocked the outlandishness of this. Felt real. Felt like what anyone real person not born of fantasy would say.
“The shimmering façade was likely to be just that—a layer of veneer to hide a centralized bureaucracy built on strength and suppression of subversives.” This felt like a Protoman line. I don’t really have critique other than when I read this line I immediately thought it sounded like the ilk f Protoman. May want to watch out for this as your two characters are similar, just my two cents.
Bruh, the Empire be some dicks arresting our boy for basically nothing. Lame. They lucky 17 didn’t smoke they ass. Real talk.
------
These cops don’t care about you 17. They see Primes coming through here all day long. Nice touch.
““What about my brooding good looks and a smolder that could melt the heart of a nun?”” --- Yes, let this man go. (Good line)
--------
You know, I never considered pondering which powers and abilities my character desired IC. It’s an interesting take.
-----------
El Lago. Sounds nefarious. Let’s murder kill him.
Lmao! That does mean lake, huh? Nice.
Personally, I think it would have been more realistic if 17 did just bail on this mission. Like fuck these wankers, but I get it, you needed the plot to go that way.
-----
I love 17’s overall sarcastic tone. Sarcasm is often played out or not executed well enough. You don’t have these problems.
Didn’t see that explosion coming. Nicely done. Only thing missing was a *BOOM* =P!
-----
These stories could have intertwined more. Not to harp on Joe about activity, but it would have been nice to bounce back and forth between the stories more frequently. Otherwise it seems like they are two different stories that don’t go together, even if they eventually merge. Again, I understand it’s probably an activity issue and can’t be helped, but that doesn’t make it any less jarring to the reader. After the explosion but before the next post when the details comes would have been nice place to hear from Trixie, as to leave us on the edge about 17’s explosion crisis. Creating suspense is a huge win for your writing and I feel like there was a missed opportunity here.
------
17- “Feeling the breeze on his fingertips, Seventeen closed his eyes and mumbled one of his favorite phrases.” I love how you depicted cursing without the vulgarity of it. Well played.
“I’m he—” the cyborg paused midsentence to turn his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He turned back to his new acquaintances and flashed a blood-marred grin. “I’m here to drain the lake.”—Yaaaaaassssss. See, this is why you generate such hype. Fuck you. This was gold.
So, when I took to the task of doing this C&C, I told myself I wanted to find something to legitimately critique you for Alex, and, however small it is, I think I found something that needs fixing. You use the phrase ‘beat’ too much. A beat later, without skipping a beat, in a beat, two beats and, etc. I’m only catching it now because I’ve probably read more of your work than anyone else’s work and you reuse the shit out of this. My advice is to find some variety for this tool. You also frequent ‘peppered’ quite a bit, so much that I can tell when you’re the Story Teller, because of it xD Though it’s not as often as the beat reoccurrence. Again, it’s little, but its productive criticism!
When did El Lago become Lady Gaga? PLOT TWIST! Lol
------
Decapitated her, nice. However!... You should be hung for crimes against humor for this line, ““Looks like the lake got…” Seventeen paused to sneer. “Evaporated.” Lol =P Nice post.
-----
Yaaay, Trixie posts are back.
As such he filed the paperwork and Beatrix Zulenka was given the title of Second Lieutenant, Special Forces Division, Imperial Army, Regiment 13. ----- OH SNAP, promotion! It’s all about that dental baby.
It’s a little jarring that we’re back in Trixie’s story and Aisha is fatally injured from some action the reader wasn’t privy to. /end rant
Other than that it was a good post and I am legit concerned for Aisha. She still needs to avenge Luna. Don’t die girl.
----
17- New post and there is that infamous ‘a beat later’. Tsk, tsk. =P!
“Yea, I guess.” Seventeen responded. “I jammed the little think into her and she went blam!” To emphasize his point, the raven-haired warrior made sure to pantomime a gratuitous explosion with his bony, bloody fingers.----- The imagery here made me chuckle. Kuddos.
“Do you salt the earth afterwards?” Seventeen laughed. The trooper tilted his helmet. “Do you suspect fel magicks? Should I call the arcanists?” “Fucking incredible.” ---- more chuckles. You good man, you real good.
---
Lol, it’s funny to me that 17 has to complete his community service serving Trixie. Crack dat whip. Make him do stupid shit… xD
“Lady sergeant?” Seventeen inquired. “Man, for a fascist dictatorship, this place sure does bludgeon you with the strong female lead trope, doesn’t it?” --- Hey, women can’t be fascists? That’s sexiest Bruh. Leave the feminazi alone.
Alex just won the thread with this line, “The cyborg leaned in toward the lieutenant. “You could use some racing stripes to really make your outfit pop.” I’m finding I enjoy your 17 more than your Proto =O
----
“Jaxx in custody. Imperial Intelligence claiming authority?”--- OH SNAP! Joe, somebody better gank that mother f*cker. Straight up.
…..
F*ck Dredd and his jurisdiction. GANK THAT MOTHER F*CKER!!! xD
I liked this post. What Trixie has to go through heavily correlates to what real soldiers have to go through. (Shitty equipment failure, lack of rest between duty to the point of sleep deprivation, etc.) Nicely done Joe.
----
And just like that, BAM, Diablo. Not gonna lie, this story teller post has made me weary of ever siding with Diablo to get out. 20k words and this prick is still a problem for players. What a dick. Lol
----
Post 21 is my favorite post because nostalgia. When Karl Jak came on and 17 wasn’t having it. Good stuff Alex.
---
“Checkmate, asshole.” Bardan Jaxx had paid for his crimes. ----- Yaaaaassss. F*ckin finally. F*ck. Hated that guy.
----
Gotta say, this wouldn’t have been as nice without a light saber battle at the end. Overall this thread was awesome. I def didn’t expect Diablo to pop up, nor for you to send him a new plaything. Great read. I’d say both deserved a great bonus with Alex slightly ahead due to his humor and slightly better flow of story telling, but I gotta say Joe, you’ve come worlds from where you were when I first read your work many years ago. This shit was tight, you’ve grown into a bad ass role player/writer, kudos.
Alex, you suck. Git Gud Skrub. =P! <3!
Dante's Abyss 2015
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