Ambrosia: Just What the Doctor Ordered

[Dr. McNinja]

(Continued from "McNinja Doesn't Steal Panties")

"And who might you be?"

Doc tried to smile. "I'm Dr. McNinja. Uh... general physician. I uh..."

Dr. McNinja lifted his right hand. His wrist was currently bent backwards approximately fifteen degrees more than was anatomically possible. The nurse rat raised an eyebrow.

"I'm guessing that's not normal."

"No," Doc winced, "Definitely not."

"You need me to look at that?"

"Like I said, I'm a doctor," McNinja shrugged, "I can take care of it."

"Well, it looks like you broke it in a fall," the nurse muttered as she coaxed a patient into opening their mouth, "which means you broke the fall with your right hand. I'll assume, therefore, that you're right-handed. Unless you want to perform a two-handed operation on yourself with only your bad hand..."

Dr. McNinja shrugged, impressed. "Nice diagnosis. But I can handle myself."

The rat rolled her eyes. "You're suspicious because I'm ratfolk?"

"What?"

"Don't worry, I don't shed fur all over the place," the nurse grumbled, "I follow standard medical protocol... Well, as much as I can, anyhow, with the resources available."

"No, no, that's not what I'm- I'm not accusing you of anything! I've honestly seen stranger! I once drank orange juice and it brought me back to life! My secretary is a gorilla! And Judy, well, Judy can be more professional than me. I just... I know some tricks."

The nurse smirked. "I think I got you beat in that area."

"Um... no," Dr. McNinja chuckled, "I definitely have more tricks."

"Really?" the nurse snatched a stained bottle from a nearby shelf and handed it to a strange bunny-sock-doll-with-legs creature which scurried away. "Did you know, for instance, that you could inject the blood of a basilisk into your wrist to set an internal cast which-"

"Oh, don't be so barbaric," Doc scoffed, "Everybody knows the best way to regenerate any part of the body is to isolate it by turning it into its own life form."

"And how, might I ask, would you accomplish this?"

"Simple," Doc said, resting his broken wrist on a nearby table, "Lifeweed."

"Lifeweed?" the nurse laughed, "And run the risk of your hand severing itself from your arm?"

"I'd rather run the risk of that than the risk of petrifying my internal organs."

"Basilisk blood can't petrify you," the nurse said, handing a bird-boy creature some pills.

"If you were to digest it while you weren't petrified," Doc snapped, "basilisk blood has a high chance of doing just that. It wouldn't petrify anything else, just your innards and veins, leaving everything else still-"

"Watch your tone, you amateur," the rat scowled as she spoon-fed a nearby Pokemon, "And you of all people, I would think think, should've heard about the petrification vaccine. It's quite revolutionary. It sends signals of petrification to petratoxic bacteria, tricking the bacteria into mollifying the body instead."

"But that would counteract the bone repair, wouldn't it?"

"Don't be silly. You isolate the fracture with a simple Neo-Gothic Architecture Maneuver."

Dr. McNinja wanted to retort in some way, but it was true. Now that he thought about it, Doc realized that the quickest way to fix a small bone fracture would be to inject basilisk blood into the marrow. He had always avoided it, even when he had basilisk blood handy, because the risk of killing someone was too great. But if you had such a miraculous vaccine handy somewhere... In a place like the Omniverse, one might. But frankly, he was more fascinated that this nurse seemed to know about supernatural medicinal practices almost as well as he did, including the notoriously difficult Neo-Gothic Architecture Maneuver.

"What's your name?" Doc asked.

"Matilda Waltz," the rat answered, "I'm the nurse practitioner in Ambrosia."

"Nice to meet you," Dr. McNinja said. He stuck out his right hand to shake Matilda's. Matilda frowned and stared at the outstretched limb.

"Wasn't that broken just a moment ago?"

"Ninja tricks."

Matilda rolled her eyes. "I should've known."

"Probably. I'm not exactly hiding it," Doc teased, "Listen, I was looking for a place to set up my own practice, but I quite like this place already. Could I stay here for a bit longer?"

Matilda squinted. "You trying to drive me out of my own business, boy?"

"No, no, no," Doc assured her, "Just... work together. You're not exactly drowning in helpers."

Nurse Matilda glanced around the medical tent. Dr. McNinja was right. The only thing in excess around here were the people who kept "feeling icky". She could certainly use another professional on par with her skills.

"Fine," the rat sighed, "But first, you'll have to be naturalized by Princess Guu... or whoever is acting leader, now that she's gone."

Doc nodded and left the tent, shouted back, "I'll see you in a bit!"

Dr. McNinja disappeared onto the streets, leaving Nurse Matilda very, very confused. But she decided to not question it. After all, this was a great opportunity. Finally, someone else with her level of medical expertise to take care of the people here.

"I might even get a weekend off, now," Matilda dreamed.