02-13-2016, 08:15 PM
The ride back to Bowser's palace was largely uneventful, if you consider a ride in a bulbous reverse helicopter over fields of active volcanism uneventful. It did give Drake a pretty good excuse to just kinda zone out and listen to his the music on his UNI device, which was currently on a shuffle of some of Pavarotti's greatest opera bloopers. His ex-girlfriend, on-and-off, rival love interest but-not-really...Izzy...had always asked him where he even found this shit. The response had always been that someone needed at least a four year degree in internet insomnia to locate items of this nature, but the reality was that he had been too drunk at the time to remember.
Oh, wait there was this one thing that happened!
About half way back, two howling TIE Fighters came cruising down out of the clouds, their ion jets causing crackling streams of lightning in the ash laden air. Drake had never known that TIE Fighters had loudspeakers equipped on them, but was educated in the matter when Drake and Zack were asked to land their vehicle and submit for inspections. Zack shot the smuggler and accusatory glance, but Drake just shrugged like a dirtbag and offered a very punchable grin.
I mean, he had known that they were flying over an Empire supply line and stuff, but who was seriously going to flag them down? Look what they were flying for fuck's sake. Buuuut apparently the gambit hadn't paid off. A few minutes they were on the ground, with the pair of TIE Fighters landing just a short ways away. The two black-garbed imperial pilots approached them, blaster rifles pointing directly at their chests. As Drake vaulted out of the clown car, Zack made a move for his ridicufuck sword, but Drake held up a hand before beckoning the badass mulleteer to his side.
"Your flight path strayed over an Empire convoy. State your business and destination." the rightmost storm trooper said through a crackling vox box. Zack opened his mouth in preparation to, probably, give an honest answer, but that was likely going to land them in a detention cell for a week until the paperwork got lost and they were consigned to indentured servitude. Drake held up a hand and offered a wide grin.
"Aww you know guys. Just two lonely men out on the Steppes trying to find the nearest place to shack up. And by shack up I do mean make love to each other vigorously, that was actually a euphemism. Yup." Drake said as Zack's eyes simultaneously scrunched up and widened (impressive). The troopers didn't say anything for a second, so Drake pressed the offensive by offering the SOLDIER a hearty whack on his backside. The dark haired immediately wheeled around and smashed his fist into Drake's face, knocking the smuggler a few feet back into the dust. The stormtroopers gestured with their rifles and barked angrily.
"Hands on your heads! Don't move!"
Drake got up, chuckling, as he held his hands up. He shrugged his shoulders and offered a knowing wink at the pilots.
"Women. What can I say? Anyway yeah, me and Mr. Right over here been jonesin' for a bonesin' for like, fuckin' hours, so we really need to find somewhere to set down, and figured one of those Koopa joints would work. You know how it goes."
"N..." was all the right trooper managed to squeak out before Drake kept his gums running.
"So yeah, sorry we flew over your trucks or whatever. Hey...you uh..." Drake lowered his voice, looking over his shoulders at the crowd that wasn't there.
"You guys...wanna come with? This thing seats four, and..."
"Just get out of here!" the trooper on the left finally screamed, waving his rifle up and to the left.
"I'm serious, it's no big dea-"
"I SAID GO!"
...
So anyway, yeah. Later when Drake and Zack touched down at Bowser's castle and they had passed through the giant stone jaws, Drake glanced over at the SOLDIER, who hadn't said a word to him since the encounter.
"Thanks for not taking my head off back there; I think the punch really sold it." Drake said, knowing fully that this particular instance of getting decked in the face was completely honest. Zack scrunched up his eyes again.
"I...ugh...nevermind." Zack grumbled as the pair made their back into the throne room, having actually been invited this time. Still, their ass cheeks involuntarily clenched as they passed over the threshold where Miranda and Colonel had up and vanished. Couldn't let stuff like that distract them right now, however. Drake was in the zone again.
And by zone, that means, that thing where he makes an ass of himself.
"Yo! Koopa King!" Drake shouted, sauntering into Bowser's chambers. The giant turtle was backlit, as usual, by an immense lake of lava. He didn't look happy.
"Big nerve walking back in here after stealing all my stuff." Bowser growled, his claws digging ragged gouges in the arms of his throne. Drake immediately threw up his arms in exasperation.
"Fuckin...Steve SAID we could take it!" Drake shouted. One of Bowser's attendant guards to their left suddenly piped up, his little turtle eyes going all slanty.
"My name is NOT...STEVE." he shouted.
"Shut up Steve!" Bowser roared, causing Steve to nearly retreat back into his adorable little red shell.
"Yeah, Steve. Did you even check out that brick I was talking about? God..." Drake said, shaking his head before turning back to Bowser. The King looked a little more angry than Drake had been anticipating. Was he really that torn up about the stuff they took? They brought it all back! Then, out of nowhere, Bowser grabbed a remote control and pressed giant, stupid red button on the center of it. A big screen framed in wrought iron with dragon motifs (ugh) descended from the ceiling. A video began to play, showing a Koopka settlement getting burned by fire that was coming from the mouths of dudes riding on dragons. Both Zack and Drake wore flat expressions.
"That..." Bowser said, waving his stubby arm in a circle, "...was twenty minutes ago. A little while after you killed that little group of raiders. Seems they were looking for revenge after you took out their friends." Bowser said, his voice worryingly benign. Drake pursed his lips. Honestly, it wasn't their problem that the dragon riders had had more people in their group, and that they immediately went into bloody revenge mode. Bowser had even been the one to give them the green light on this little sortie! The smuggler was beginning to feel a little set up, but he needed to play along for now.
"So we gotta kill those guys too?" Zack said, piping up. He was a little too eager sounding. It was creepy.
"You gotta kill those guys too. But more importantly, kill their leader. He's not stupid though. You'll need a way to draw them out." Bowser said, clicking the tips of his claws together in a steepled fashion. Drake was feeling like more a sucker every minute, but he might still be able to turn this into a win for the Institute. Besides, he had an idea...
"Alright King Koopa, we'll off the bandit leader. But hey you know what?" Drake asked, his tone getting a little surly. Bowser paused for a moment before rising from his throne and slowly stomping towards the two of them. He got within smelly breath distance before staring down at them, fire flaring ever so slightly from his nostrils.
"What." he breathed. Drake was a little intimidated. He had to be honest. But he was also a piece of shit, and no amount of mortal danger would ever change that.
"I think these dragon riders would be less of a problem if there were less...y'know...dragons. Overall." Drake said, opening his arms wide. Bowser ground his teeth slightly, and let out a low growl that made Drake's gun hand (well his only hand) twitch a little bit towards his plasma gat.
"Alright pipsqueak. You take out the bandit leader and I'll seriously think about lending some troops to offing Volvagia." Bowser said, poking a single claw into Drake's chest. The smuggler was pretty sure he was now bleeding, but it didn't matter; he'd gotten what he wanted. Now he just had to see if Zack would go for it.
As the pair exited the throne room, the immense doors booming shut behind them, Zack turned to Drake with a thin lipped grimmace. He was obviously still pissed, but curious.
"So what's your plan then?" Zack said, folding his arms. Drake instantly reached into his satchel and withdrew his UNI device. After scrolling through a few Omni Tweets, the smuggler presented Zack with a look at an email from the Headmaster. The SOLDIER read it over and rose an eyebrow at Drake. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Drake was planning.
"You seriously think it'll be okay to use this convoy thing as bait?" Zack said, giving the handheld device back. Drake shrugged his shoulders, which Zack responded to with a sigh.
Seemed about right.
Oh, wait there was this one thing that happened!
About half way back, two howling TIE Fighters came cruising down out of the clouds, their ion jets causing crackling streams of lightning in the ash laden air. Drake had never known that TIE Fighters had loudspeakers equipped on them, but was educated in the matter when Drake and Zack were asked to land their vehicle and submit for inspections. Zack shot the smuggler and accusatory glance, but Drake just shrugged like a dirtbag and offered a very punchable grin.
I mean, he had known that they were flying over an Empire supply line and stuff, but who was seriously going to flag them down? Look what they were flying for fuck's sake. Buuuut apparently the gambit hadn't paid off. A few minutes they were on the ground, with the pair of TIE Fighters landing just a short ways away. The two black-garbed imperial pilots approached them, blaster rifles pointing directly at their chests. As Drake vaulted out of the clown car, Zack made a move for his ridicufuck sword, but Drake held up a hand before beckoning the badass mulleteer to his side.
"Your flight path strayed over an Empire convoy. State your business and destination." the rightmost storm trooper said through a crackling vox box. Zack opened his mouth in preparation to, probably, give an honest answer, but that was likely going to land them in a detention cell for a week until the paperwork got lost and they were consigned to indentured servitude. Drake held up a hand and offered a wide grin.
"Aww you know guys. Just two lonely men out on the Steppes trying to find the nearest place to shack up. And by shack up I do mean make love to each other vigorously, that was actually a euphemism. Yup." Drake said as Zack's eyes simultaneously scrunched up and widened (impressive). The troopers didn't say anything for a second, so Drake pressed the offensive by offering the SOLDIER a hearty whack on his backside. The dark haired immediately wheeled around and smashed his fist into Drake's face, knocking the smuggler a few feet back into the dust. The stormtroopers gestured with their rifles and barked angrily.
"Hands on your heads! Don't move!"
Drake got up, chuckling, as he held his hands up. He shrugged his shoulders and offered a knowing wink at the pilots.
"Women. What can I say? Anyway yeah, me and Mr. Right over here been jonesin' for a bonesin' for like, fuckin' hours, so we really need to find somewhere to set down, and figured one of those Koopa joints would work. You know how it goes."
"N..." was all the right trooper managed to squeak out before Drake kept his gums running.
"So yeah, sorry we flew over your trucks or whatever. Hey...you uh..." Drake lowered his voice, looking over his shoulders at the crowd that wasn't there.
"You guys...wanna come with? This thing seats four, and..."
"Just get out of here!" the trooper on the left finally screamed, waving his rifle up and to the left.
"I'm serious, it's no big dea-"
"I SAID GO!"
...
So anyway, yeah. Later when Drake and Zack touched down at Bowser's castle and they had passed through the giant stone jaws, Drake glanced over at the SOLDIER, who hadn't said a word to him since the encounter.
"Thanks for not taking my head off back there; I think the punch really sold it." Drake said, knowing fully that this particular instance of getting decked in the face was completely honest. Zack scrunched up his eyes again.
"I...ugh...nevermind." Zack grumbled as the pair made their back into the throne room, having actually been invited this time. Still, their ass cheeks involuntarily clenched as they passed over the threshold where Miranda and Colonel had up and vanished. Couldn't let stuff like that distract them right now, however. Drake was in the zone again.
And by zone, that means, that thing where he makes an ass of himself.
"Yo! Koopa King!" Drake shouted, sauntering into Bowser's chambers. The giant turtle was backlit, as usual, by an immense lake of lava. He didn't look happy.
"Big nerve walking back in here after stealing all my stuff." Bowser growled, his claws digging ragged gouges in the arms of his throne. Drake immediately threw up his arms in exasperation.
"Fuckin...Steve SAID we could take it!" Drake shouted. One of Bowser's attendant guards to their left suddenly piped up, his little turtle eyes going all slanty.
"My name is NOT...STEVE." he shouted.
"Shut up Steve!" Bowser roared, causing Steve to nearly retreat back into his adorable little red shell.
"Yeah, Steve. Did you even check out that brick I was talking about? God..." Drake said, shaking his head before turning back to Bowser. The King looked a little more angry than Drake had been anticipating. Was he really that torn up about the stuff they took? They brought it all back! Then, out of nowhere, Bowser grabbed a remote control and pressed giant, stupid red button on the center of it. A big screen framed in wrought iron with dragon motifs (ugh) descended from the ceiling. A video began to play, showing a Koopka settlement getting burned by fire that was coming from the mouths of dudes riding on dragons. Both Zack and Drake wore flat expressions.
"That..." Bowser said, waving his stubby arm in a circle, "...was twenty minutes ago. A little while after you killed that little group of raiders. Seems they were looking for revenge after you took out their friends." Bowser said, his voice worryingly benign. Drake pursed his lips. Honestly, it wasn't their problem that the dragon riders had had more people in their group, and that they immediately went into bloody revenge mode. Bowser had even been the one to give them the green light on this little sortie! The smuggler was beginning to feel a little set up, but he needed to play along for now.
"So we gotta kill those guys too?" Zack said, piping up. He was a little too eager sounding. It was creepy.
"You gotta kill those guys too. But more importantly, kill their leader. He's not stupid though. You'll need a way to draw them out." Bowser said, clicking the tips of his claws together in a steepled fashion. Drake was feeling like more a sucker every minute, but he might still be able to turn this into a win for the Institute. Besides, he had an idea...
"Alright King Koopa, we'll off the bandit leader. But hey you know what?" Drake asked, his tone getting a little surly. Bowser paused for a moment before rising from his throne and slowly stomping towards the two of them. He got within smelly breath distance before staring down at them, fire flaring ever so slightly from his nostrils.
"What." he breathed. Drake was a little intimidated. He had to be honest. But he was also a piece of shit, and no amount of mortal danger would ever change that.
"I think these dragon riders would be less of a problem if there were less...y'know...dragons. Overall." Drake said, opening his arms wide. Bowser ground his teeth slightly, and let out a low growl that made Drake's gun hand (well his only hand) twitch a little bit towards his plasma gat.
"Alright pipsqueak. You take out the bandit leader and I'll seriously think about lending some troops to offing Volvagia." Bowser said, poking a single claw into Drake's chest. The smuggler was pretty sure he was now bleeding, but it didn't matter; he'd gotten what he wanted. Now he just had to see if Zack would go for it.
As the pair exited the throne room, the immense doors booming shut behind them, Zack turned to Drake with a thin lipped grimmace. He was obviously still pissed, but curious.
"So what's your plan then?" Zack said, folding his arms. Drake instantly reached into his satchel and withdrew his UNI device. After scrolling through a few Omni Tweets, the smuggler presented Zack with a look at an email from the Headmaster. The SOLDIER read it over and rose an eyebrow at Drake. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Drake was planning.
"You seriously think it'll be okay to use this convoy thing as bait?" Zack said, giving the handheld device back. Drake shrugged his shoulders, which Zack responded to with a sigh.
Seemed about right.
And, we dream of home I dream of life out of here Their dreams are small My dreams don't know fear I got my heart full of hope I will change everything No matter what I'm told How impossible it seems We did it before And we'll do it again We're indestructible Even when we're tired And we've been here before Just you and I
Don't try to rescue me I don't need to be rescued
Don't try to rescue me I don't need to be rescued