Grundy vs.Colonel OOC

[Sans]

Judging Time!

I probably won't talk quite as long this time, as most of what I said in this intro applies to you too, Colonel. But anyways, let's go.

Description and Clarity: 3.5

For the most part, you did a damn good job here. I rarely, if ever, got confused by what you were writing down, and each movement was properly described. This gave me a clear sense of the battle and kept me engaged. Good job!

There were a few times, though, that it could've been better. Mostly in terms of sentence structure. There were a good amount of sentences that I think could've been shortened to two or three sentences rather than the REALLY long one sentence.

Here's a few of them that I saw:

There was a faint, meaty crunch of impact, the brute's head flung sideways from the blow, but he only turned his leering, simple expression slowly back.

Colonel's face showed a very rare moment of genuine emotion, his eyes widening in shock at the sudden action of the hulking abomination, actually pulling his bladed arm deeper into the wound, and firmly anchoring the mechanized soldier in place, preventing his escape.

His free arm came up and around, and with a wrenching motion, planting both legs into the ground for leverage, his fist crashed into the undead hulk's head.

I feel like these sentences would've been better off being cut down. Something like this:

There was a faint, meaty crunch of impact as the brute's head flung sideways from the blow. However, he only turned his leering, simple expression slowly back towards him.

Colonel's face showed a very rare moment of genuine emotion, his eyes widening in shock as the hulking abomination actually pulled his bladed arm deeper into the wound. Then it firmly anchored the mechanized soldier in place, preventing his escape.

He planted both legs into the ground for leverage. Then, with a wrenching motion, his arm came up and around, crashing into the undead hulk's head.

Probably not perfect, but I think this is something that could be used more often.

Other than that, though, you're pretty good here.

Voice: 3

You definitely had a good voice here. It served as a nice contrast to the more irrational, bestial I suppose nature of Grundy's writing. This one, compared to the Grundy's, is more professional and rational.

For tone, pacing, and literary techniques, there isn't much to say really. I generally found all three of these categories to be good in their own right.

For instance, this is good pacing right here:

n answer the giant brute merely let out a roar of challenge, breaking into a slow, lumbering run of his own, his hammer-like fists at the ready.

The impact when they met kicked up another cloud of dust.

Fist met fist. Sparks and disgusting ichor flew every which-way.

Colonel lost feeling in his arm, but the very distinctive, rippling crunch told him his foe hadn't fared much better.

The separation of the lines slows it down just enough so that each movement felt like it mattered, and was paced expertly. Good job.

Characterization: 2

Admittedly, Colonel is a FAR more complex character than Grundy, but I feel like (unlike Grundy) he never got time to "shine," perhaps. There's some dialogue here and there that captures him well, but the very most I got out of the fight in terms of his character is that he's a loyal, robotic soldier and.... not much else, in my opinion.

I feel like if you dedicated some parts of at least one of your posts JUST to his character, than you'd be solid here. For example, one of my favorite methods of characterization is a monologue in either the second or third post. In my opinion, monologues can go a long way to explaining a character's motivations, personality, method of speaking, etc. without it feeling unnatural. Bonus points if you manage to pace it well and have it make sense in context.

Another thing that docked points here is also related to motivations. Although I like the fact that you at least tried to explain why the fight was happening, I don't think the reasoning is solid. At all. From my perspective, Colonel doesn't seem like the guy to go and randomly attack somebody for no reason unless they were doing something wrong. Without an explanation there, I was left scratching my head. So motivations could've been thought out a bit better too.
Speaking of motivations, there didn't seem to be any for you either. Most of what I said for Grundy applies here too, in that case.

In short, this could've been better. I know any character can be written as interesting. Just keep working on it .

Story: 2.5

Most of what I said for Grundy applies here too. This probably would've been a two, uh, too, but I added an additional half point because you at least gave a reason for the fight to be made, even though it's rather odd.

In answer, the giant only let out a bestial roar of "GRUNDY NOT NEED TO ANSWER YOU! YOU ATTACK GRUNDY!"

In short, like with Grundy, this can be improved with time and more writing.

Technical: 3

Thankfully, your sentences and everything else that was grammar related didn't make me want to kill myself, so thank you kind soul.

Aside from that, you use commas a little too much. I mostly suggest cutting down sentences for the same reasons I gave Grundy.

Final Score: 14

COLONEL WI- wait a minute.

I almost forgot to tally up the damage and super move clash!

Rolled a 2, that means Colonel missed his super completely, and Grundy managed to land it!

So even though Colonel is the winner, this is the final damage result.

Colonel: 20 Damage (dead)
2 Accumulated Damage.
Moderate Injury. Pummeled into the ground multiple times by Buried on Sunday. 4 Damage.
Minor Injury. Arm bruised by Grundy. 1 Damage.

Grundy: 20 Damage (dead)
Minor Injury. Gash across chest from Colonel Saber while under his Power Up. 2 Damage.
Minor Injury. Slice in the neck from Colonel Saber while under his Power Up. 1 Damage.

Everyone is a loser!

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