Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Bandit V Magus

Gildarts:
So, when I foresee matches to be really hard for me, I got into the habit of taking into account the strengths of rounds. It doesn’t MEAN anything, but I thought you might like to see my inclusion of the ‘train of thought expressed’ upon careful reflection of each round.

Rounds: R1 undeniably magus. While Bandit’s character/story pair up was a bit more compelling in this one, I felt like Magus’s lead was so strong OVERALL that the round went to him. I liked his descriptions and felt like they were about the same level as bandit, who posted the second half, but Magus’s character, strong lead, and how he started the story was really strong in my book. Adversely, there were very brief times that didn’t last very long, that I felt like the perspective detached a little bit, during descriptions. The snow was a plus in Bandit’s favor, but on the other hand, I think the way magus is so in-tune with his character on the fundamental level, it shows so strongly that I favor the voice and written description because one I like it, and two, its his.

R2 goes to bandit. The story this round was so compelling, everything came together -characters, vivid details, and dialogue. Nicely done.

R3 TIE. If I had, HAD TO choose, I really just couldn't. So the categories do it for me...
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Magus
"Description and Clarity: 4.5

The elegant cape draped upon his bare shoulders did little to protect the rest of his body from the cold and his face stung, reminding him of the blinding pain he’d been subjected to just moments ago, forced to literally fight for his life as his demonic opponent nearly succeeded in literally punching his face off.

This was great! But I felt like grammatically, there COULD have been either a semicolon or a period to separate the placement and pausing of the pace. The reason I place it here in clarity, is more or less preference because I don’t think it was at all wrong the way you phrased it. I felt the sentence was clear, and I liked what could be taken from the careful folds of description interwoven in.

... Again, she dodged, and he lunged at her as she evaded, catching her low across the legs with his scythe, upending her and, while she world in mid-air, blasted her in the vest....

This segment right here was a little extended in length, and I took only an excerpt in the quote. I like the way you use longer sentences, and find it works for everything you are trying to convey and establish, as well as makes sense and doesn’t compromise grammar.

As for “he lunged at her as she evaded” could be considered wordy. I found it short, and well, nicely done because staccato should be a pace touched on by how back and forth fighting exchanges are. It also reinforced what you later established as both of the fighters being on par with one another.

He audibly sighed. What stimulating conversation.

This exchange with Magus’s mind was brief and to the point. I liked how you DIDN’T have to use italics for me to know you were being sarcastic. It attributes to voice, but also this section, because you tend to use inferred descriptions (in a different way than your opponent’s writing) but it really works for you, and I just wanted to pull this up.

Wisps of purple lazily swirled along the tundra as the Bandit leapt up through the air, humongous sledge revved up and careening down upon him. Magus evaded the hammer as it shattered the ice next to his head.

Finesse. You make it look so easy, but this is a really nicely written sentence.

Erupting through the surface of the harrowingly cold water, Magus dragged himself onto the surface, shivering in the awful wind swirling about him. He clenched his chattering teeth and clasped his arms around his knees. He just had to wait for a few minutes. He would be crowned the victor soon, and then only one adversary would be left before he was made champion.

This part was great, and really showed me what you were bringing to the table.


Voice: 5

His eyes flitted over the frigid wasteland, deliberately ignoring both the cold and his opponent. His lips curled with the slightest hint of dissatisfaction.

This was a wonderful hook. You started out really strong, and yet it was subtle and not overcompensating. It came off brilliantly, and stunned me as just such an eloquent hook.

he liked the bracing cold. It was refreshing. Invigorating. Maybe part of that was because he didn’t need to endure it every day of his life like the surface-dwelling peasants.

I put this here, rather than in character, because I felt like the lens you applied was spot-on. Again, you didn’t overwhelm the reader, but simply let it flow. I think the portrayal came across nicely, and was a great hint at the mage’s perception/perspective of himself, and how he views others.

Magus looked up to the sky, admiring the fluffy falling flakes, and raised his arms out to his sides. A hiss of mauve smoke surrounded his hands,

This part was a great incorporation of setting and detail.

Magus locked eyes with the crusty nomad, piercing into her and hoping to find some kind of twisted sense of humor. This delusional wench couldn’t have made it this far by acting like such a goddamned child.

SOOOO MUCH to talk about in just this one small paragraph. I’ll break it down -that is, everything I’m thinking:

That was awesome: I like how you seize control of being the first person this round to post. I like how your voice seeps into the writing. I like how I hear Magus talking, and while I may not admit of how relatable it is, I feel a good connection to his point of view.

Also, it strengthened just the basic outlook of the character. I know where magus stands, and for the rest of the fight, I feel like it will be a familiar and residual perspective, what way when he references things like how he perceives bandit, I can fully ‘get’ it. First impressions, right?

Your strength in starting strong is great, and I think how you don’t hesitate to leap into control REALLY suits you, and Magus’s style.

-There was one more thing, but I forgot, so nice work on voice, and even in the many sentences to come after this. Little things like this are some of my favorite in regards to the overall story and essence of writing. Little details, that is.

... just as the chilly air was suddenly invaded with a rolling hell-scape of blistering heat an searing flames...

This kind of thing, sometimes I’ll put under voice, but I really felt like you pretty much described the whole entire scenery in a sentence or less. You aren’t overly flamboyant or whimsical, your observations are down to earth, and I think it’s an asset to your writing. Some people/readers reading it may miss that sometimes writing isn’t all about expressing a completely in depth thing, in the absolute middle of the fight. I find this very valuable that throughout the fight you didn’t lose yourself or your voice in trying to be over the top, one up, or otherwise, go all out in a description that doesn’t necessarily improve 1 the story or 2 the impact it has on the reader.

Your pace and tempo regarding the above, and when to reveal your (underlying) descriptions has been very carefully thought about, and it shows throughout the entire fight. (right after this, you did an awesome action-post, with very vivid descriptions: )

He took the brunt of the hammer’s strike to his head, and immediately *, the flames pulled back into him as he smashed into the ice and then skittered along its surface, bouncing again and again before crashing into a frozen hill halfway across the icebound lake.

Optional comma or period up there, and I think it mainly has to do with style. Still, some segmentation in this paragraph may have been good, I don’t, however, think its the kind of thing that is completely necessary, and it didn’t come off as a run on sentence to me, but rather just in need of an extra something. It is a long sentence, and that’s how you write, so I am not going to put this (again) in the grammar category, but rather citing it here as something to do with clarity of your character’s action. Be careful not to let it get muddled.

Crimson oozed from his eye.

Gross. I was seriously perturbed. Very influential phrasing.

Magus spun his scythe, haft dancing along his fingers, sending the huge weapon into a lazy twirl as he approached. The artificial storm had grown fierce, whipping snow up into his face, his blood red cape billowing out behind him. He grimaced as the harsh wind teased at the ragged edges of his wounded eye like a hundred needles gently scraping up and down.

This was awesome.

Character: 5

(magus speaking) “Because I’m tired, my. . . grace. . . has worn thin. You have the next ten seconds to kneel in surrender. Otherwise, I will kill you, and I will make you endure the most exquisite suffering. (imaginable) All Camelot will bear witness to my . . . exhaustion.”

This part was amazing, and I’m in love with Magus. (or rather your portrayal of him......) I wouldn’t change dialogue for flow and felt everything worked well. But in my quote I added “imaginable” in parenthesis just to see what it looked like. If perhaps you were deliberating this omission, I one hundred percent agree that the word is excess. Keepin’ it classy. Looks good. Also, the overall power and effect the statement / originality was just awesome. Can’t say it enough. I was entertained and thoroughly engaged. Bad- ass.

No sense of mirth, no coy twinkling of her toying with him. This ... person... was a bloody simpleton.

Right after this, magus shares his thoughts and calls her an idiot. I thought that it kind of defines how honest his character is. No one gives him enough credit for saying what’s on his mind. Bandit too. I feel like they could both relate, and then also both foil well. Opposite sides of the same spectrum kind of thing.

There were a few other things, like the style in which you delivered ‘bloody simpleton’ and I just wanted to say I could really connect to the thought wavelength with your use of italics. It came out fluently. I also found your delivery strikingly stunning, but you didn’t go purple pros, or try to overcomplicate your description and explanation, which yes, attributes to clarity and description, but also, just kind of says a little bit about the voice in which Magus is described, and USES to describe. Amazing.

*also, sidenote really quickly, I like how magus didn’t call Bandit an idiot with malice, but just full-forth observation. Attributes to his character, kind of thing.

Story: 4.5

The man in the red coat, he’d made Magus afraid, if but for a moment, and that, in turn, had made him angry. He’d sworn death for the devil hunter and had failed to deliver.

This ref could’ve gone in character, but I just liked how subtly this part was introduced, and it offered a unique take on the motivations of Magus’s character, but brought it to a certain angle that directly effected what everyone in the tournament is experiencing.

Magus was immortal.

I screamed internally. Ten bonus cookies for referencing your last fight’s title :pink:- fought with myself- in this. Plus like, it was a significant revelation and stuff. Story impact and whatnot, but I’m allowed to feel a little pride so I’m vocalizing. Nice incorporation of death as a blatant subject discussed by bandit. Just keep in mind, last time Bandit died, she was a secondary that TURNED into a prime.

Magus hissed as thick tendrils of black and bluish-purple smoke coalesced all around the two competitors. “I’m better.”

The set up on this part was great. I wanted to offer you a little bit of option to just double check the first part, which was “You must be good to have made it this far. But this much has become obvious,”

It wasn’t completely necessary to end the sentence there and start the next one with “but” ... but its dialogue, and I felt it worked in this context. Another option, just for you to think about ( I want you to know I’m not trying to pick apart your post or anything, I’m just trying to give a thorough review for such a matched battle, ) “I’m better.” had the option of being separate from the rest of the paragraph. It worked well here, and I’m sure you gave this a thought or two, because its the end, and it exercised consequence. You made a good call leaving it where it was, I just wanted to verbalize the structure, and how it worked for you, while in other cases, for other players, it may not have worked out so fluently and flatteringly to the post. You ended it strong!

(bandit speaking) “Oh I’m and idiot, huh?!”

I liked what you were trying to do with the dialogue, but I wasn’t sure if I could picture her saying that. - that kind of thing doesn’t/would never count against you unless bandit suddenly wore pink and started to sip tea (which is, spectacularly out of character for her)- but I think overall, this category against how strong your opponent was doing in this category, was harder on you, because while it was compelling, and I like the way you use and execute dialogue, this round/ match, it didn’t have as much influence on me for the story, but rather, magus’s actions and perception, which were certainly more compelling in several ways.

Sometimes (the middle of ) your posts seemed a bit long, like you had already said what you wanted to say and were kind of softy reiterating (not directly) what was already the current pace of the storyline. It wasn’t that there was too much back and forth, but try to keep it at a set limit, as while it starts strong and ends with consequence, you don’t want the middle to be / come off as inconsequential.

-the part where magus lost his eye was really cool.

Magus watched her struggle for a moment, relishing in the repulsive aura of fear that radiated from her like it did from all people when they realized they were going to die. It was… interesting. For all of her bluster, when put in the glow of Death’s headlights, all of her immortality meant nothing. Just like everyone else, she was suffused with the animalistic fear that everyone felt before they were unmade.

This was awesome to the story part.

This was too:

There would be no beauty in her death, only ugliness, isolation, and fear. He swam toward the hole they had fallen through while the woman continued to thrash aimlessly, having lost her grasp on which way ‘up’ was.

Nice plot inclusion and I felt it was delivered with a good dramatic effect.

The thick, soupy blackness of Magus’ Miasma continued to permeate the battlefield, slowly sapping at the Bandit’s strength even as the cold did the same. He had to kill her. Now.

I was a little worried about your finale and how you would pull it off. Overall, I liked it, however I felt it could’ve been concluded to gear up a little more impact. I felt you had strong starts for every single round. Italics on the “now” may look cool, but I was good with how you ended it.


Grammar and Spelling: 5

“I’ve grown... quite tired of this competition.”

This was fine, but I mentioned in my other fight that quite could be capitalized or not depending on the context and use of ellipsis.

He’d sworn death for the devil hunter and he had failed to deliver.

Be careful with the pronouns, because while I know that you were simply referencing another character, the pronoun “he” used right after, is grammatically inclined to reference said character. This kind of thing is easy to miss, plus I note word limits and flow of sentences are hard to keep when you have to pick through little junk rules like this, but just keep in mind for the future that the second he should technically be “magus” or a pronoun for him instead, (or “sexy magus”). This kind of thing could go under clarity category, but I placed it here because it makes more sense to me that clarity isn’t a rule, while grammar and spelling/punctuation has set rules.

I wont be quoting this, but a few times you put a period in front of quotes, and some of the time I felt like a comma would have sufficed. It’s also, to my knowledge, considered a bit more correct.

“...idiot,” the wizard breathed. His tone blunt and matter...

Ehhhhhh, I felt like a comma where that period would’ve been fine, but I don’t really plan to hold you to it, because I feel like you were trying to synthesize some staccato tone early on in this post, to help better establish a fighting climate for the second round.

glow of Death’s headlights,

I wasn’t too confident that death had to be capitalized ?

His command of the language wasn’t strong, and the Fiendlord found himself touched by what he had said: accusingly,

I wasn’t too sure what you were doing with the colon, but I assumed you were recounting what was mentioned. Make sure the A is capitalized in that case.


Final notes: Story and character were your strongest categories. Good work, and Magus made it very VERY compelling.


24



Bandit With No Name


"Description and Clarity: 5

his shoes pointed towards the sky

You didn’t have to distinctly say “MAGUS fell flat on his ass” I like how you and magus both write with vision that can be inferred, and is NOT abrasive to the reader as they are reading it too. Descriptions can be light and whimsical, or heavy, pros laden, and otherwise rather overwhelming. You both have a good skill in deciding what is relevant to the story, and the reader’s imagination.

“What happened to your whimsy?”

I wasn’t sure what this was supposed to mean, but overall it was funny and I liked the effect of the taunt.

The engine roared, flames scorching through the snow dusted air as she charged forward...

Nice. This whole paragraph was wonderful.

she barely managed to hear the sound of his footfalls as he approached, and she was thankful for the snow’s crunch...

This entire paragraph was awesome. I was stunned and blown away by the voice and description that lasted the entire post. Very fluent and fulfilling.

The man’s cruel, injury-distorted smirk retained its position. It soon vanished however, when the smoldering pile of flesh and steel fidgeted its miserably contorted body.

Solid, “it soon vanished-however” kind of felt a bit kinda “there” rather than as a sentence enhancer. Sometimes in order for things to make sense we haveto add things like this, so I wasn’t super worried about the way this one was put, even if I felt it was a bit wordy.

Planting the end of Sledge’s Hammer into the snow, she angled the exhaust towards herself, grabbed the handle, and twisted. The engine’s waterlogged chambers sputtered for a moment before it choked to life. A thick cloud of steam billowed from the tubes before a torrent of flame coughed out, followed by its iconic V8 roar. Though the thick shadow-magic refused to be illuminated by the fire, it could do nothing to drown out the heat.

Nice descriptions, man.

Voice: 5

thick clumps of white tumbling from the harsh edges that protruded from every angle of her armor..

I really liked the tone here, and how your word choice sprung the images and detail before my eyes.

The battle-hardened raider stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly, her attention dropped from her target to the ground below her, to the carpet of ivory that swept in every direction.

TWO THINGS, one’s a suggestion, the other is admiration. You really have a knack for kickin’ butt, and I felt like this part was awesome in the way that the arena spanned before my eyes at such a slow but reflective pace that I felt like I was seeing what bandit was seeing. Bad-ass.

The other thing, is I would just mention is that while the second sentence seems simple, I felt a vague amount of repetition. It’s influence is certainly there, just be aware on how you referenced the ground and carpet.

toes clung to the ground, leaving to trenches as she slid.

this was awesome.


I could quote numerous places, but your voice in your second post was very elaborate, and executed to PERFECTION.

Unwilling to take yet another hit, the bandit snarled and tossed herself into him, just inside the weapon’s range. When the blade soared past and sunk itself in the snow, she snatched his wrist and held it firm, preventing him from pulling it free. Using her prosthetic limb, she hammer-fisted it further down, wedging it in the crust.

This is awesome.

Character: 4.5

“I didn’t even notice,” ... “It’s...” she whispered to herself, “cold.”

IF ANYONE thought bandit wasn’t compelling already, the delivery and relevance of this, was just spectacular. It came off with perpetual finesse.

As much as I thought the both of you did wonderfully for round one, it was such a cool development to see Bandit having a bit of sensitivity. And I feel like, since I think I’ve read every single match from both you AND Magus, that you yourself were due for a little bit of chilling touch to the reader. It was nicely done, and I liked how you framed it. It came off as one of the simple things that a person may not notice, but to bandit it actually MEANT something. Like if you’ve never seen the sun, stars, rain, because you’re on opposite ends of the world with a different climate. Simply spectacular.

“playfully threw a snowball”

I’m sorry, I was imagining bandit as cute as a kitten. <3

After that, though, Magus swatted down the snowball, and while I felt like that part was character-fitting, and I liked it for plot purposes, I was definitely ready to get down to “business” at that point. I was glad Bandit threw the snowball, this time, with malice / determination.

I’ve already told you, you dense shit, I ain’t got anything you can steal from me.” Rotating her arm, she massaged one of the various tears in the muscle from her brief moment of geriatrics....“So there’s nothing to take.”

She’s so confident, I love it. Added some finality to the dialogue I felt, too.

Story: 4.5

”I made a life out of killin’ Primes that think they’re better than me.” She ejected the energy cell from her rifle, smoothly slapping another one in its place. “You’re just the next name on a long list, pal.”

This part, while it could be considered character development, I felt it really ignited the story, and gave you a way to wedge into Magus’s already very developed set. It was strong and had good effect.

”Every damn round I’ve been stuck with some uppity asshole.”

I actually liked what this did to the story, and it kind of fought back against what magus had once referred to during a briefly inserted reflection. It really showed me that you were capable of staying neck in neck in every aspect of the game, and keeping up in such excelling ways certainly gives you room to trump him.

began to notice her joints, the wheeze in her breath.

I liked seeing how the fight effected bandit, added some flavor to the overall story.

“I can take your strength... your breath... your life.”

This part was REALLY strong, and I felt like I could picture magus, a villain, saying things like this. You executed the dialogue well, and how it impacted the entire story was phenomenal.

She had to kill him. Now.

You masterfully put his own phrasing against him.

The bandit cared little as segments of her attire were set ablaze by the immense temperatures that perfused them, nor did she pay heed to the burns that rushed along her skin with the inferno. All that she wanted was warmth enough to move. Warmth enough to fight.

Nice, I like how it escalated from “first snow” to, how drastic and dangerous the cold actually is. I thought you brought the effect to a full circle, as well as its full potential.

The still-burning protrusions dug into his gut, his skin sizzling as she hefted him off the ground and through the air. Nearly helpless against her brute strength, Magus could only go along for the ride as she charged through the darkness. The outer wall of the Miasma blossomed when they burst through, grasping wisps reluctant to release them as they stumbled into the daylight.

action-y!

Grinning maniacally, she rhetorically asked, “Thirsty?” then slammed his face through the ice.

Strong ending!


Grammar and Spelling: 4.5

Primes that think they’re better than me.” She ejected the energy cell from her rifle, smoothly slapping another one in its place.

She shouldn’t be capitalized. I almost missed this myself, but this round I’m writing out the quotes rather than just copying and pasting them. no biggy,! Just keep an eye out for things like this in the future. For reference, you can see just above, where you parted the original quote with a comma, rather than the dialogue starting at a fresh paragraph.

“It’s...” she whispered to herself, “cold.”

Cold should be capitalized.

“you fuckin’ spoil sport.”

dittoo

Her heels to hit the ground and she continued. “The.....

two things. 1 you don’t want to use a period there, try a comma, because the sentence isn’t ending, and cliffhanger sentences aren’t usually preferable. The second thing, is that I felt like the “to” was excess. “Her heels hit the ground and she continued,” would have been just fine.

this is mainly really small stuff, but its not something you can catch with spell check, a glance in preview, or anything else. Adding this note because I know it is style as well as knowledge and you’re focusing on the words you write not (all the time) how you write them.

s, “let’s go.”

[/quote] you gots to capitalize these tings!

Final thoughts: You pretty much went above and beyond. Your strongest categories were Description (character) and story. Both of you execute these very differently, so before I even did the math to which scores added up, I had thought that comparatively each categories were extremely even.


23.5


Lastly, I don't like having my own conclusive results being within half a point, but semi finals are tight and im sure the finals will be tighter. In fact they SHOULD be. Anyway, I think it will help to see the other judge's review and whatnot, so that's that. You both did excellent. Please have no regrets about a single word. <3

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Minato's Judgement

Magus

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like the other contestants of this round, I feel as though this section of your writing was done pretty well. I wasn’t finding myself confused or overwhelmed with the information presented. I felt as though you used the battlefield well, especially when the two of them fell into the water. The way you described Bandit’s thrashing around really made me experience what she may have been feeling.

Voice: 4 - I really like the way your writing brings out your character. I don’t have trouble figuring out who Magus is when I read your writing because I can always hear what Magus is saying. I really feel that your voice has developed and I really enjoy reading your posts because of it.

Character: 4 - I gave you a 5 last time, because I really enjoyed Magus’ character in your fight with Dante. I guess Dante is a character that just brings out more of Magus than Bandit does. That isn’t to say that I didn’t enjoy the character, I did, just not as much as your fight with dante.

Story: 4 - The story progression was great. And I felt as though both yourself and Bandit had equal share of the fight’s story progression. I also felt that it moved along at a fine pace, not too fast, and not too slow Other than that, there’s not much else to say from me.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - I didn’t really notice any spelling or grammar mistakes, didn’t find myself tripping over too many sentences or phrases wither. Awesome, and solid, effort!

Total = 20.5

Bandit With No Name

Description & Clarity: 4 - This is pretty much the same as magus. I know that isn’t a very professional way to go about saying this, but I really hate repeating myself. You both did quite well at providing riveting descriptions of the battle itself, as well as the battlefield. And Things were pretty clear, no confusions, hardly any re-reading of phrases/ sentences/ paragraphs.

Voice: 4 - Again, you have a very distinct voice, and I think the character herself really helped you develop this throughout the tournament. Sinestro, as a character seems to be very logical at most times. But when you write as Bandit, I feel as though she gives you a lot of creative freedom and development opportunities when it comes to the way she is, and the way you write.

Character: 4.5 - I really enjoyed Bandit as a character in this round. I gave you the extra .5 because I loved it when you showed her innocence. She is a battle hardened warrior. She’s probably died countless times before becoming a Prime, and she has probably killed more people than a lot of characters in the Omniverse. But when she realized she was standing in the snow, her innocence took over and she couldn’t help but let it out. I loved it.

Story: 4 - Again, the same thing as what I said for Magus. You guys seemed to push the story of the fight along with equal force. I didn’t feel like either one of you had more or less sway in how things progressed. And you guys didn’t try to do things too fast or draw things out for too long.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - Didn’t find many mishaps or errors. I wasn’t stumbling over most words or phrasings. A great and solid effort!

Total = 21

Averages!
22.25 each

AS you can see. You are both tied! The results are inconclusive!
So we plan to bring in a deciding judge to factor in the final vote!

Yes, the suspense is killing us too. We will keep you posted in the discussion thread. Until then~