Call My Insane Ramblings Stupid (C&C)

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Post I critiqued: [spoiler]

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance and into the crowds, the attendee looked up towards Tartaros. "And you?"

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded. "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Still keeping his salesman-like grin, the attendee passed a long roll of parchments and an ink-dipped quill to the large man. "Wonderful! Just sign on the dotted line, number sixteen."

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll before slowly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

"No problem", the balding man behind the counter responded, chuckling slightly, "as long as it's legible..."

Just as Tartaros was turning towards the entrance, the man glanced towards his shoulder, noticing the small figure sitting on his shoulder. Coughing, the attendant spoke, "Excuse me sir, but your... friend here must pay an entrance fee."

Sighing, the Astartes turned back. "Right, right. How much?"

"Ten gold coins, sir."

Muttering slightly, Tartaros grabbed the swirling sphere from underneath his cloak, gripping it tightly. Mumbling, "Just a moment...", before closing his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he let his hand cover the ball of light in its entirety, letting his subconscious take hold. Waking some moments later, the Astartes found a small bag of coins in his hand. Letting a handful of coins drop onto the counter, he turned towards the living puppet on his shoulder. "Get yourself a nice seat, this should be interesting. And before I forget, if I lose, wait for me in that damned white room, alright?"

The denim-clad puppet nodded, hopping off the marine's shoulder and taking a ticket from the still-smiling clerk.

Sweeping his loose comb-over back over his balding head, the clerk turned towards Tartaros again. Pointing towards the entrance, he said, "Enjoy the fair. There'll be an announcement in a few hours."

Smiling through his bandages and nodding at the clerk, the Astartes limped into the crowds. Hopefully there was a blacksmith around...

[/spoiler]

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance and into the crowds, the attendee looked up towards Tartaros. "And you?"

Needs more commas. Specifically after the word entrance and also where the period is. Also, word selection here, but for attendee, perhaps use attendant? Just feels better to me.

Example:

As the bandit meandered through the Colosseum entrance, and into the crowds, the attendant looked up towards Tartaros, "And you?"

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded. "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Your dialogue here should be apart of the sentence, not follow after it. That period should, again, be a comma. Commas are awesome!

Example:

Still more focused on the ache in his shoulder than anything else, the wanderer responded, "Oh? Yes, yes..."

Still keeping his salesman-like grin, the attendee passed a long roll of parchments and an ink-dipped quill to the large man. "Wonderful! Just sign on the dotted line, number sixteen."

Try not to be repetitive with your transitioning, such as using the word still back to back.

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll before slowly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

Just more of the same here. Dialogue should be tied down, belong to a sentence, and not standing alone. I know it can become monotonous to have to read "he said", "he replied", "he snorted" over and over again, so.... don't do that either. The trick is to create moving and flowing description that shows us the feelings behind the dialogue within the same sentence.

Example:

Fumbling slightly with the quill, Tartaros managed to scribble his name onto the scroll, reluctantly sliding it back onto the wooden stand. His eyes followed the parchment, as humility colored his words, "I must apologize for the handwriting. Not used one of these in a while."

-You don't have to use simple verbs, like "Replied" or "Said", but you do have to describe the how the words are said, and your dialogue belongs within a sentence, not all out by itself.

"No problem", the balding man behind the counter responded, chuckling slightly, "as long as it's legible..."

Perfect!

Muttering slightly, Tartaros grabbed the swirling sphere from underneath his cloak, gripping it tightly. Mumbling, "Just a moment...", before closing his eyes

.

Muttering slightly..... Swirling....gripping it tightly.... Mumbling...

This is just a lot of 'ING' and 'LY'

While there is nothing wrong with it, if you work to reduce how much you use it, I think you will find definite improvement in your work.

Example:

Under his breath, the marine muttered something inaudible, grabbed a swirling sphere concealed from within his cloak, and tightened his grip before allowing his eyes to shut, "Just a moment..."

Taking a deep breath, he let his hand cover the ball of light in its entirety, letting his subconscious take hold. Waking some moments later, the Astartes found a small bag of coins in his hand. Letting a handful of coins drop onto the counter, he turned towards the living puppet on his shoulder. "Get yourself a nice seat, this should be interesting. And before I forget, if I lose, wait for me in that damned white room, alright?"

The denim-clad puppet nodded, hopping off the marine's shoulder and taking a ticket from the still-smiling clerk.

Sweeping his loose comb-over back over his balding head, the clerk turned towards Tartaros again. Pointing towards the entrance, he said, "Enjoy the fair. There'll be an announcement in a few hours."

Smiling through his bandages and nodding at the clerk, the Astartes limped into the crowds. Hopefully there was a blacksmith around...

Not much else I can point out here other than dialogue, and to be careful of how often you use "ING". All in all, you know what you are doing, just need some tweaking. Keep it up, mang!

I'm sure you wanted some C and C on the actual fights and if I am up to it later, I will do some of that for you as well. Sorry I didn't do more!