Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Adam and Courier

Adam

Description and Clarity: 4

Voice: 4

Character: 3

Story: 3

Grammar: 4 – Pretty good for the most part, but you should keep an eye out for anything and everything.

Total = 18

Courier Six

Description and Clarity: 3 – One of your stronger departments, for sure.

Voice: 2

Character: 2 – This and ‘Voice’ both ‘suffered’ for me, because I felt like you were writing more about Adam than Courier? I’ve never been a fan of a super omniscient narrative, especially in a situation like this. It’s not that it’s poorly written, just that I wasn’t pulled into the execution. I wanted Courier’s thoughts, not Adam’s thoughts. That’s why I read his posts. Your writing felt too much like an extension of Adam’s writing than an impendent work?

Story: 3

Grammar: 2 – Wasn’t terrible in this department (average by the site standards) but that means you’ve got a high ceiling to improve toward.

Total = 12

Quarterfinal - Adam Gaite vs Courier Six

[spoiler]Courier Six Post 1
Good opening paragraph, establishing the scene and making a few notes.

“… had Adam not given off this aura that, to put it simply, Six felt off to be around.” Good opening to this sentence, but it ends on an awkward note. Perhaps, ‘this aura that, to put it simply, made Six feel off to be around.’

I find it interesting that you provided so much of Adam’s perspective. It didn’t seem horribly off the mark, but interesting.

I like that you included how it felt nice to look down on somebody again.

"What...? The hell--" not sure what your punctuation is doing here, and I’m not sure how I’m intended to read it.

Ooo, the mask is coming off! Daw, I was kinda hoping to get a description of her face and etc.

“Six raise her arms in a wicked embrace of battle” Not sure what she’s doing? Is she just like… lifting her arms up?

Cool last line. When did she switch from the revolver to the knife?

It was a nice opener, but I kinda wished there had been some action.

Adam Gaite Post 1

"...this...this is not going to end well..." You might use some dashes instead of ellipses to break it up a bit and more accurately depict the stutter

Cool rush move, and I find it kind of interesting that he’s punching her.

Good dialogue back and forth, and an interesting moment. It’s a very slow fight, step-by-step, with lots of pauses in between. It seems more cordial.

I am having a hard time tracking EXACTLY why he’s using non-lethal force, but I like the implication and the complexity I’m sure it’s going to bring to the writing.

Courier 6
“The Courier couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt for swinging a knife at this kid who barely looked to be an early adult, refusing to take a single weapon as he proceeded to drive the fight away from the armory given to him at the beginning of the match.” Bit of a run-on there.

Haha, maybe taking it off WAS a bad idea

I dunno if Adam is all about that much swearing. I feel like as soon as you have a character that swears frequently, that’s all other writers assume them capable of doing. It’s kinda jarring.

So she’s facing Adam on his own terms, which is why she didn’t kill him. Gotcha. Interesting scene, for sure.

I like the squaring off in the scene.

Adam seems like a quivering Chihuahua in these scenes haha

Adam Gaite Post 2

You guys are feeding off each other’s narratives really well. You’re a really good combo.

Really good pacing for the action. Sentence lengths vary up quite a bit, you keep the reader in-tune with the action.

I like that he had this complicated plan and still failed.

Courier Six Post 3

We find ourselves spending a lot of time as Adam once again. Makes sense, because he’s the one that can’t see what’s going on.

I do find it strange that we’ve gone from a boxing match back to guns. I feel like we keep flip-flopping without a lot of compelling explanation as to why. It’s just kind of stutter-stepping through the story, even though each post is compelling, they aren’t coming together, it seems?

I do like that you turned his move against him.

Adam Gaite

“All he needed was a second to slip away, and turn this cat and mouse shit into....fuck, who even cares what it would turn into. It wouldn't be this bullshit. “ Haha great line. Ellipses had an extra period.

That’s an awesome use of those powers. It is a really cool visual

A lot of word repetition for “dust”

"Free advice!" Way to bring it arouuuund[/spoiler]

Courier Six

Description & Clarity: 3
Your writing was solid, I didn’t find myself getting confused or having to read things repeatedly. I would work on your pacing, and building up your description. A lot of tension and drama was drained out of a lot of the moments because there just wasn’t enough supporting description.

I feel like your exposition got in the way of a lot of that, because while I knew what was happening, I had only a few details to “see.”

Still above average.

Voice: 3
I got a good feeling for your writing style through all of the inner monologues between Adam and Courier. I feel like more description would help here too, because it would give us more to go off of. Abstraction, similes, references, details that a character notices, all of that, they help develop your voice. You did manage to pull out more with her actions this time, the way that she talked and moved and sort of toyed with him here and there.

Character: 3
I got a lot more of an idea of how you view Adam than I did of the Courier, though that’s not necessarily awful. You did a good job handling both characters and their interactions, and you played them off each other pretty well.

Story: 3
Another big hit from exposition. I feel like there was maybe one or two actions in every post, and then 600 words of inner monologue. It was GOOD inner monologue, but it gummed up the story and slowed things down way more than they should have. You used the moves of both characters super well throughout the fight.

The flip-flopping back and forth between trying to kill Adam, not killing Adam, then using guns again was fairly confounding, and stole a lot of the wind out of the previous display.

Grammar: 3
A few errors here and there, and a lot of weird punctuation choices is what brought ya down here, but certainly not awful or illegible. I didn’t notice any spelling errors or outright typos.

Total: 15

Adam Gaite

Description & Clarity: 3.5
Solid. It was easy to read, there were some good details in there, and I could see the action moving very clearly. Main reason you’re not getting a 4 is due to the lack of abstraction and the lack of “oh damn that’s beautiful” moments. A lot of time was spent in Adam’s head this round, which cut down on your time available to show me the world.

Voice: 3.5
I’d say that you’ve heard me say this a few times now, because your voice is great. I do feel like it was a little drowned out by exposition this time, but it was still exceptional.

Character: 3
Adam came through, though

Story: 3
I wish I would have gotten to see more of Adam’s plans and actions. It was a whole lot of thought, and not a whole lot of action. I DO really like the action that happened, but there just wasn’t enough of it for my liking. Pushing the tempo or at least showing us more and telling us less would have helped you out I think. It was a very slow, contemplative match, though it seemed more that there was some action, then lots of words/thoughts, then an action, etc etc.

Grammar: 4
Pretty good! Not a ton of weird stuff in there, and I think I made a note on the things I did notice.

Total: 17

Courier Six
Proto 12
Sinestro 15
Average 13.5

Adam Gaite:
Proto 18
Sinestro 17
Average 17.5

WINNER: Adam Gaite
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.