Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Shang Tsung Vs. Strazio Rockwell

Shang Tsung

Description & Clarity: 4 - I found myself thoroughly enjoying the way you handled the descriptions of pretty much everything within this fight. From the fight scenes, to using the buildings and various stalls around them, you made excellent use of the area around them to paint a scene. I also enjoyed the way you used description to depict how Shang felt at every turn, not just through an emotional sense, but a physical one as well.

This, also, did not take away from the clarity of the piece either. I didn’t find myself stumbling over scenes and sections, and I was able to understand everything pretty clearly.

Voice: 4 - I feel like you really tried to bring these characters to life. And, in trying, made quite the successful attempt. I could hear everything in my head. I wasn’t just reading, I was experiencing. I think you did really well with creating and presenting a voice for this fight.

Character: 4.5 - I loved Shang in this fight. Resourceful, Mean, Arrogant, Driven to fight simply because he wants to butcher Straz. I loved it all. I like the way you used his dialogue throughout the descriptions of fights. It made it feel more... natural. It represented him in a way I felt to be appropriate.

Especially this part;
[spoiler]

“Normally,” Shang hopped forward and buried a boot into Strazio’s gut. “I have to indulge in a little restraint in these situations.” The former monk swung back his boot and delivered a second swift kick that sent his foe skidding across the street. “…but not with you, Strazio Rockwell.”

As the masochist writhed on his side, he grabbed at the cobblestones with his good hand. Even as fresh jolts of pain crashed through his nervous system, his fingers tried to find something solid to grip and use as leverage to stand. A burst of marvelous energy exploded against the man’s chest with enough force to throw him backwards into a stone lamppost.

Shang, his body now glowing with translucent flames, stalked across the street. When he was within range, he scooped down and latched a hand around his opponent’s neck. “I don’t need to hold back with you.” To sell the point, Shang drove an open palm into his foe’s ribcage. “I can just let it all out.” A closed fist crashed into the side of the white-haired man’s skull. “Nine hundred years of anger, and you’re just a giant dumb sponge that doesn’t know when to stop.”

[/spoiler]
It just made it feel more Natural.

Story: 4 - Now, to me, the story of this fight felt a lot more akin to just fighting because the characters wanted to. Not because they had to or because of some other reason. Simply just because they wanted to beat each other to a pulp. I liked that. I felt it fit both characters.

I also feel as though you, as a writer and as Shang, seemed to be pushing this the most.

Grammar & Spelling: 5 - Nothing changed from your last grading on this. I could tell that you put quite a bit of effort into proofreading. Well done!

Total = 21.5

Strazio

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like Shang, you also used descriptions to embellish your posts quite amazingly. I am impressed at the skill both of you bring to this site. At the same time, I enjoyed the ways you used the surround shops and stalls to depict your advantages and disadvantages within the fight.

This also did not take away from the clarity of the piece, and I was able to follow along fine.

Voice: 4 - I mean, I don’t have much difference in what I want to say from Shang’s grading on this, I think you both did pretty much the same, or at least very similar, things in this regard. But I didn’t want to just copy and paste what I had already said… Great job! I could really hear the way things played out in the fight.

Character: 4 - I enjoyed the way you presented Strazio. I thought it was well executed and I think his character Development has come along quite nicely. I really enjoyed the way his patience began to fall away, and the way he began to descend into rage. Then directed that rage right into Shang’s body. I thoroughly enjoyed his character progression.

Story: 4 - Again, I think this is almost the same as Shang’s grading, so I’m not going to copy and paste or just restate what I have already said. However, I felt as though Shang did drive the story along mostly. even if it would only seem like minor differences, I do feel as though he took the lead on this one, which was why he got the extra .5 of a point.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - I found a few words that weren’t completed, minor slip ups, but there were multiple cases of this. But mostly fine. I can tell you put a lot of effort into proofreading your posts!

Total before change: 20.5

However, you did miss a deadline, and I didn’t hear or see any mention of it being discussed or being given the ‘Okay’ so I am going to have to take that into consideration. So;

20.5 x 0.33 = 6.7 (which I will round down to 6.5 so the score will be an even number)

Final Score: 20.5 - 6.5 = 14

Quarterfinal - Shang Tsung vs Strazio Rockwell
[spoiler]Shang Tsung Post 1
Super glad that Shang and Straz noticed each other, being 2 of the 3 PC Darkshire defenders. Cool little interaction with that.

Really digging the intro conversation. Strong characterization for both chaaracters.

I like the immediacy of his attack. “I’m not talking.” Bam. I think it’s very on the head.

Cool description of the attack.

“… started a chain reaction that caused the quaint brick house to implode on itself.” This is a good example of how to create a clear image in the reader’s head without having to babble on about it.

Really dynamic fight. Lots of movement and expression of each of the character’s abilities.

This is such a high octane fight post. It reminds me a lot of a good superhero movie. Really well executed the way that the characters are moving and interacting. I can see it all really clearly in my head. If anything is lacking, It’d just like to see it spiced up with some similes or a little bit more Voice.

“a marvelous pair” hahahaha o u

Strazio Rockwell Post 1

I do like that you’ve added indentations to your writing. It looks a little weird just in contrast to the rest of the site, but it looks better for the purposes of formatting.

“Strazio’s world crumbled around him” this is a great use of the phrase, because it implies emotional depth interconnected with what’s physically happening.

Good reference to the past without it being overwhelming or heavy on exposition.

“Their greedy feast propagated more gluttonous particles until nothing remained of Strazio Rockwell.” This is an amazing line. Again, mixing the abstract with grounded description really heightened the image.

Really solid description in this scene. Everything pops out in my head. It’s got a lot of personality and pop to it.

The pacing is also really good. The skull came out of the ground quickly, and I read the sentence when it happened quickly. Great use of sentence length and structure to create tension, action, and then resolution. Good arc.

“Taking advantage of hi opponent’s stupor he raised his handcannon.” Typo there. Also not a huge fan of ‘handcannon’ in this PARTICULAR case, though I do like it in general. Just doesn’t seem to flow perfectly. #nitpicking

“Burning bolts of green soulfire spiraled into Strazio’s flesh. He yelped in pain as three of the bullets carved into his flesh.” First: word repetition with flesh. Also, your flow is al ittle bit choppy in these sentences. I think it only really stands out is because your sentence structure has been so smooth up to this point.

“Nothing brought clarity like a gunshot wound.” Lol

Instincts urged Strazio to get the hell out of the way, but his temper forced him to stand and fight. Another bullet whistled past his head. Sparks crackled along Strazio’s body and he sprinted towards Shang. Power surged into the Avatar’s legs, pushing them beyond human limits. With barbarous speed he tackled Shang, sending the both crashing into a nearby fruit kiosk. Brightly colored fruits scattered into the air. Both fighters wrestled in the multi-colored bounty of sweet smelling fruits. Blood and juice stained their robes in equal measures. The two sat deadlocked for an eternity. The Avatar's ferocity proved an equal match for Shang's impressive skill.

This paragraph is the first one where your sentence pacing got messed up. Every sentence is short, so it ends up reading fairly choppy. I would have clumped some of those together, or added a few extra adjectives to give a few of those beats some extra impact.

I kind of enjoy that Strazio’s one and only game plan is to just be beaten to death while also maybe doing some damage. A+

We’re getting a little choppy again.

“The lethargic hands of fatigue gripped both fighters.” Another great line

Another good glimpse into the character.

Shang Tsung Post 2

Man, the way you used paragraph breaks was really good. It set a tone. It emphasized your voice and how the lines were delivered. Good choice. Good chunk of exposition.

A little simile there, nice.

“Let’s see if the rest of your bones are as dense as your fucking skull.” Great line.

Awesome pacing. Good use of long and short sentences.

Simultaneous collision. No fight is complete without one.

“Like a dying star” is a fantastic line, due to the whole sun connection with the hammer. CLEVER.

“Remnants” word repetition.

While I’m not a huge fan of “vertical position” (it sounds too technical for this scene), “even as fresh blood dribbled from the glimmering stakes in his flesh,” is amazing and gives a really cool image.

Ugh, that was a great image of Strazio’s face all jacked up. The grin at the end could have used some more detail, but overall, amazing.

Mimic 2stronk. Also, really cool use of it. The 1-2 combo with a giant freaking hammer sold that move to me.

Good level of gore. Anything more and you’d have pulled a, “Me, Circa Namek Fighting Tourney,” and made it gratuitous.

We were all waiting for that line.

Strazio Post 2

And you dropped the indentation again? I don’t mind either way, but flip flopping back and forth makes you look sloppy. I remember this happening in a previous round also.

“Shang’s fists were stones and he struck with the precision of a cobra.” Starting strong.

I like the sense of emotion used in these. I like that we slowly see Strazio start to panic.

“inhuman strength. Using his newfound strength” … “Using the remaining scraps of his strength” word repetition

“ His jaw hungs distended” little typo

“He spit a mixture of copper blood and white porcelain onto the street.” Ugh, gross. Fantastic line, though we keep mentioning copper in relation to blood.

Hahaha, they just don’t want you to use your amazing dialogue. Or perhaps they just want to hear you talk in a silly voice?

Really good ramp-up with the wish statements.

“Abbadon was never a more fitting word to describe Strazio’s charge.” I have a feeling “Abandon” was what you were looking for, unless it was a reference to the demon? If it was a reference to the demon, that was kind of a weird reference.

Nice. I like that we’re seeing a character flaw in YOUR writing. It makes him seem more 3 dimensional.

Also, gross.

“Foolish” for word repetition.

This high-stakes, high-drama scene is now making me chortle because of Strazio’s jacked up teeth. It kind of takes the momentum out of the drama, but it’s also fairly funny. Not sure where I stand on that.

Strazio really used a HAND-GRENADE. Haha, get it? Cause it’s a pun? >_>

Anyways, that was a really inventive and cool thing to do, mid-fight. I also like that it required him to have his hand cut off. It was a fun exchange.

“Body” word repetition.

“Two more fight to the championship he thought I can make it.” Something funky going on here. Not sure what happened.

Dramatic walking through the smoke scene.

“You’re dead, I’m going to grind you to dust.” I would have split that into 2 sentences.

Shang Tsung Post 3

Another strong bit of exposition to restablish Shang’s perception of the scene. Everyone has this habit of ending their posts at a lull, so picking the pace back up is sort of obligatory, though it’d be cool if we could see a continuous stream of action from post to post at some point.

“only person to eve humble Shang Tsung,” typo

Good bit of history with Kung Lao to be tied into the current situation. It helps round out the character to bring up the past sometimes. The introspection on how to fight the character is also a really cool insight into how he thinks without it being heavy handed.

I have this image of Strazio kind of staggering around in a bloody mess while Shang composes himself. I like it, though I sort of wish that it was mentioned as opposed to implied.

Ugh, the villain’s version of the “world of cardboard” speech. I love it.

The way you’re describing the scene goes along perfectly with the words. The control over the situation, the imagery. The sentence length and the types of words you are using help to punctuate the dialogue, not detract from it. It’s a careful balance in these kinds of scenes to keep everything flowing properly.

“a giant dumb sponge“ is a weird line, but it doesn’t break things up too badly that it’s jarring

Both writers keep bringing up stars in their various states, but it doesn’t have the rhythm to seem poetic or intentional. Just something to watch out for and be aware of.

Strazio Rockwell Post 3

I like that you referenced a promise to Demetri, but because I don’t know what it is, it sort of leaves me hanging. Not a major detraction on a site where every story is ongoing, but it might be something to keep in mind for the future.

I like that he’s out of magic to fix his new wounds

The transformation scene is cool, and the images used are great, but it somehow lacks gravity. I had to re-read it to make sure he had actually used his transformation because it felt a little mundane. I think that mundanity comes from formatting, pacing, and a focus on detail. More adjectives describing his skin peeling off would have sold it, as well as focusing on his laughter in the abstract. It was a very literal and casual description of what was happening that belied the depth of what was going on.

“Once more their fight had devolved into a dirty wrestling match.” I like that

I feel like you’ve lost a lot of the rhythm and flow that you had in your first post, as almost this whole post has come down to a step-by-step, by the number explanation of what’s happening. It’s still detailed, and it’s still high quality writing, but I feel like it’s those kinds of small details that are gonna make the call in this close of a match.

“He exhaled, spewing a torrent of stolen embers.” Good line

NECRONOMICON. Awesome. I also like that it’s a troll zombie.

Awesome, awesome way to end it. Only thing I might have done is broken up the paragraph for impact.[/spoiler]

Shang Tsung

Description & Clarity: 4
Very clear, very quick, very good. The main thing that I would focus on in the future is more abstraction. Everything you type is straight forward, to the point. There’s not much poetry in your writing, and I think that those associative and abstract descriptions can really add an extra layer of depth and voice to your writing. Metaphors, similes, describing AROUND the action without explicitly stating it. You don’t have to describe every step and every result. Find a way to let the reader draw lines between the action and the result.

Strazio, in comparison, has a bunch of abstraction that you should look to for examples. I’ve mentioned most of them up top.

Voice: 4
Clear voice throughout. At some point sentence length, structure and all that falls into Description and Technical areas, but it really supports the pacing and allowing me feel the will of the writer and the intent of the character. You had good pacing, good sentence structure, and good paragraph length that supported and improved on your description, and that really hammered home what was going on in the scene and what I should be paying attention to. My eyes were guided to what details you wanted me to see, and those details helped shape and define the experience.

Again, abstraction comes into play. The nature and shape of the abstraction you chose to use would have helped you establish a stronger tone and allowed for even more room to characterize and focus my attention.

Character: 4
Again, this is a fight, so sometimes it can be hard to find the space to truly put out a character; so many times it comes out a bit flat. However, without breaking the tension or the pace of the combat, you showed us who Shang Tsung is as a person.

In comparison to characters like Adam Gaite or Deadpool, who show their strong character in voice by having a character that lies somewhat outside the rough and tumble, and that use HUMOR as a way to show off their character’s POV, we see Shang Tsung in wonderful, wretched ways.

The world of cardboard speech helped a lot here, but there were plenty of other places where it shined through.

Just be wary of making your character too two-dimensional. Again, it’s hard to show depth in a life or death fight, but moments of doubt, fear, or even regret might help flesh him out a little bit more. What DOES Shang Tsung care about?

Story: 3.5
The action kept moving. There was lots of great back and forth. You weren’t afraid to show your character being weak, and you weren’t afraid of showing your character being strong. You used your Mimic to great effect, and you used the moves you’ve stolen through the previous matches. You tied your transformation into a really cool scene.

I guess my only complaint is that there weren’t really any OH DAMN moments. The constant pace of the fight, and the lack of time for the reader (or the character) to “catch a breath” made the ever-escalating violence of the scene start to get just the tiniest bit dry.

Grammar: 4.5
There were a few typos throughout your writing. They’re noted above.

Total: 20


Strazio Rockwell

Description & Clarity: 4
Fast, on point, and with a good amount of abstraction, especially in comparison to Shang’s. I felt like I could see things very clearly, and I followed along most things super well.

My only major sticking point is that sometimes things ended up feeling a bit stale or mundane when they should have been big and grandiose. Adding more adjectives, leading the reader up to the big crescendos. I just feel like there were more than a few places that could have been so much more dramatic if you had exchanged your short sentences for long ones, allowed yourself to ramble on a bit.

Voice: 3.5
Overall, far above average. Again, pacing and those things can go into Grammar or Description, but I think it mostly impacts your Voice. That said, I felt sometimes that I was being beaten with the ticking of a clock with your sentence structure. I talked about it above in my first impressions section, but you started out really strong with your pacing, and it slowly slipped into a monotonous beating of a drum.

Your abstraction, again, is top-notch. IT helps us see and feel what your character sees and feels. It adds so much life to your writing.

Character: 3.5
Strazio is a fun character. There’s a lot of interesting depth to him, despite his essentially being a rage-monster, and you managed to bring it out in a lot of ways. Fear, trepidation, tension, desperation, those are all great aspects to your character, and you frequently show them off. Seeing them with a little more clarity would be good, especially if it came out more in his actions.

I feel like his dialogue is really strained at times, as well as when you had Shang speak. It’s an area to improve on.

Story: 3.5
Fun, interesting stuff that was greatly helped by your really interesting power set, and a willingness to hack your character into tiny bits. You showed your character being strong and weak in his own ways, and you weren’t afraid to set your own pace for the story. You weren’t just reacting to things that Shang was doing, you were forging your own path.

I have the same complaints here as I do with Alex: there weren’t really any BIG moments, because every moment of the scene was a big moment. When we are beaten upside the head with hyperviolence, it can slowly lose its edge.

Grammar: 4.5
I pointed out most of your typos and stuff above.

Subtotal: 18.5

18.5 * (2/3) = Total: 12.33

Shang Tsung
Minato: 21.5
Sinestro: 20
Average: 20.75

Strazio Rockwell
Minato: 14
Sinestro: 12.33
Average: 13.17

WINNER: SHANG TSUNG
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.