Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Magus vs. Dante

Dante

Description & Clarity: 4 - I Really enjoyed the way you described almost everything. It was really engaging, exciting and didn’t seem super repetitive. It also didn’t get in the way of the clarity of everything that was situated around Dante and Magus. in particular, I enjoyed the way you described both Characters actions and their interactions with the world around them. Having them take shelter in an area that would clearly have plenty of structures to obscure vision was a great execution of this.

This mostly helped the clarity of the piece, I got a good feel of where both characters were in relation to each other, and I was able to picture the setting, broken and burning stalls and buildings alike

Voice: 4 - You really have developed your voice for Dante and your writing. You didn’t move things along too fast, but you also did not write in such a way that prevented things from going anywhere. You kept it at an enjoyable pace and I loved that.

At the same time, you included a lot of Nuances that pertained to Dante, how he thought and felt really came across through your writing.

Character: 4 - I really enjoyed the way you presented and developed Dante in this fight. His character is enjoyable and I got a real sense of determination from his character. I also sensed a hint of conflict between himself and the use of his full power. I really enjoy seeing this sort of complications between a character and his abilities. I feel like it is often either over played or not used enough and I think you did a splendid job at finding the sweet spot in between those two extremes.

Story: 4 - The story and it’s progression within the fight itself was great, and I really enjoyed it. However, there were, obviously, a few things that I felt took away from the story. It was mostly just a few clunkily executed fight scenes that seemed awkward. I did feel as though Magus drove the story a little more than dante, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I felt like it took away from your score a little bit.

But one major thing that took away from the story was this;

Without wasting any more time, Dante began to run for his broadsword strewn on the ground.


I feel like this underplayed a lot of the damage that Dante had taken throughout his fights, especially the multiple stab wounds that Magus gave him. I feel like this sentence could have been used to better reflect his wounds, rather than showing him using a burst of stamina to acquire his weapon.


Spelling & Grammar: 4 - Not much came across me, I thought your posts were mostly well written, a few awkward parts here and there, but mostly good on my end.

Total - 20

Magus

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like Dante, I felt as though you also accurately used the descriptions of the world around Magus and Dante to effectively boost the readability and enjoyability of the post. I didn’t find myself struggling to read your posts, I found myself wanting to finish and continue to find out what happens next. It also did not take away from the clarity of the peace at all. I didn’t find your descriptions of the events and setting causing me to become confused about what was going on and where everything was situated within the scenery.

Voice: 4 - Just as stated above, both yourself and dante did a splendid job at moving the story along at a steady pace. I didn’t find myself moving through events too quickly, and I didn’t find myself spending a lot of time on a specific portion of the writing itself. I enjoyed this quite thoroughly

I loved the way you displayed Magus in your writing, the way you depicted him and gave him a voice was just splendid…. You’ll get more on this in the next category.

Character: 5 - HOLY CRAP DID YOU MAKE ME LOVE MAGUS AS A CHARACTER! I’m sorry for all caps but I felt that needed to be screamed, rather than just said normally. Arrogant and self absorbed, yet determined to win and ‘teach everyone to be afraid’ of him.
He also seemed to come across as a huge opportunist that liked to display an ounce of sass that I just loved. Well Done.

Story: 4 - I felt like Magus, for the most part, was the dominant story pusher, even when you weren’t writing him. He seemed like a huge obstacle for Dante and this really did push the story forward. I don’t really have too much to say about this, but I think everything in the sections before this one all came together to fit into this one point.

However, One thing that did take away from this was;

“Well, shit,” Magus breathed as he phased back. Bloody and naked as a jay bird, he grabbed his pants and his boots and sprinted into an alley, where he hastily threw his pants back on to cover himself and tugged his boots back over his feet


I felt as though this really took away from it all. I mean, Magus did get blasted with a shotgun to his chest. Add that on top of the fact that Magus only has a defense stat of 1 and it seems to me like you underplayed the effect of Dante’s shotgun blast.


Spelling & Grammar: 4 - Pretty much the same as what I said for Dante. Mostly great, a few Awkward moments/ discrepancies. But other than that, I felt it was fine.

Total - 21

_________

Magus v Dante

Graded by Gildarts

Judge’s note! You both stayed under the word count, and didn’t create any deadline stuff, so I appreciate that. Before I continue, you guys both used hyphens in kinda weird spots, and I wasn’t a big fan of the stylistic choice. Be careful of this because it slows the flow and fluency of your words which would have been read rather straightforward. Still, it is your right, so I am not too worried about that, just make sure you are both using them correctly. You guys both had a nice match up, and I thought it was great to see two worthy players battle.

Magus
Description and Clarity: 4

The man with the outrageous red leather coat and the silly white haircut suddenly screamed as though he was in an argument with someone, and though he could not see Magus, his reckless barrage of bullets grazed him on the cheek, shoulder, and thigh.

I felt like this sentence could have been made two, and the first half definitely could have used a spare comma, near “outrageous, red leather coat and the silly, white haircut” (though I recognize that doesn’t entirely work, the wording could have been touched up a bit more thoroughly.)

Magus braced himself – he hadn’t fought against such fury in a long time.

I felt like there may have been an adjective there like “against such blazing fury” but I wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was the layout of the sentence, and though I’m not hating on hyphens, the sentence following that one carried one as well.

He knew not what raced through his opponent’s head, but he could sense something raw; something savage and primal. His previous opponents had fought either out of pride – or of fear.

be careful of double negatives during a fight. I say steer clear because they can stifle flow. As for the last little bit, it think “or” or “fear” could have been italicized.

He opened his eyes to the familiar monochrome of the Place Between. His opponent stood, nearly frozen in time, guns drawn in front of him, identical gouts of flame slowly sprouting out of their barrels. A pair of bullets spun ever so slowly through the air in front of them, winding tiny vapor trails through the air as they went.

Magus sat up, grimaced at the pain that flooded his body as he did so, and then flopped over onto his hand and knees

Your thoughts were well conveyed in this segment.

Every movement sent dolorous spears shooting through seemingly every nerve he had. Even his teeth hurt. There must have been a quarter pound of buckshot just jangling around in his insides.

That gave him an idea. Magus closed his eyes for a moment and tried to focus on phasing only his body, and soon, he faded away.

It worked; little lead pellets began falling to the ground with delicate little clinks, bouncing along the cobbles, but it had worked a little too well, as his clothing, including his famous cloak and armor, fell away with them.

For the entire fight you remained thorough and consistent with your descriptions, I didn’t want to stop reading and really felt inclined to not only your style, but the conciseness you use during a battle.

A bright, violet-tinged firestorm erupted from Magus, engulfing him and Dante. The wizard maintained his vicious headlock as the searing fire roiled out in a glowing, ravenous sphere of hungry energy, burning all that it touched.

Dante, caught at the blast’s epicenter, screamed and struggled, but Magus held fast, squeezing his arm around the devil hunter’s neck tight. The mercenary’s flesh burned, melted, cracked, and peeled from his body, blistering and twisting under the intense heat of Magus’ mage-flame.

Your style and descriptions gradually become the best, your third post was the most powerful.

The conflagration that swirled around them suddenly withdrew onto Magus’ flesh, still dancing on him. They remained in the center of a raging inferno, as half the block had been ignited by Magus’ great and terrible anger, but the monster before him no longer burned.

The thing that Dante had become raised its sword and lunged at Magus, swinging its blade to cleave him in two. The Fiendlord narrowly leapt over the attack, landing behind the creature and breaking into a run.

He raced into a burning building; a store dedicated to fancy clothing. Fur coats and hats, silk gloves, gold and silver jewelry. What wasn’t on fire glittered attractively, as though in an attempt to delay Magus from navigating through the collapsing halls.

While I understand word count and priorities, I was caught between wanting a description for Dante’s final form, and finding “monster” sufficed because it fed MY imagination. <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://images.onesite.com/capcom-unity.com/user/tony_redgrave/large/df517a6d016f7a7d2edc0fde0fe0be67.jpg">http://images.onesite.com/capcom-unity. ... e0be67.jpg</a><!-- m -->

It charged, blade at the ready, quickly eating up the distance between them.

This may be the smallest thing ever, but I read this and felt that the rapid way you broke up the sentence with commas really matched the current, overwhelming pace of the fight in its final stages.

Luckily, the blade caught most of Magus’ body at once, and instead of slicing him in half, it instead scooped him up and hurled him through the air. Unfortunately for Magus, Dante followed up again, leaping after him and carving into his flesh with a downward swipe which launched him into the ground.

Magus rolled over onto his back, a huge, savage gash across his chest, snaking down across his torso to his hip.

Good description.

Final thoughts: No problem in this category, you did very well and I urge you to keep it up.

Voice: 4

Then, suddenly, the man was rushing at him, guns clapping over and over again, spitting their deadly payload at the wizard, casings flying off erratically to the left and the right. It wasn’t hard to circle around to avoid the incoming metal storm and to ready his counterattack as Dante continued on his foolhardy sprint.

You’re good at action scenes, the reader (myself) felt right at home when you described the leap into battle, nicely done in such a short sentence, and I like how you followed up with some familiarity between Dante and yourself dialogue wise.

Just as Dante burst free from the Miasma, Magus lunged forward, plowing the tip of his blade into his adversary’s guts and straight out the other side. The audaciously dressed demon hunter shuddered and tensed uncontrollably, fighting the fiery agony radiating out from the horrific wound.

“Huh,” the mage quipped, his scarlet eyes dancing with something akin to amusement. “That was unexpected. And here I thought I might finally be pushed to exert myself in this tournament.”

This part was friggin’ awesome.

The snivelling little devil hunter taunted him; something about a fair fight, all the while Magus’ Wither leeched the strength and life from his adversary’s veins, hurling his body forward through time until the moment before his inevitable demise.

The once pretty white-haired man was now a shrivelled up husk, wrinkled and stooped and spotted by age and illness. The rickety old man hefted his sword, its weight now throwing him off-balance. Magus chuckled, swiping the incoming blade away and out of Dante’s hands with an effortless back-handed parry.

very nice descriptions and they didn’t stop there

The wizard fought to raise his head and inspected the damage. His leather chest plate had been shredded, and his blood was spattered all over himself. He coughed, flecks of blood further staining his countenance. With a strained grunt of exertion, he propped himself up on his elbows.

His countenance. Enough said.

Final Thoughts: Your voice is really strong, and I think there isn’t much else you can do to accentuate it, just keep in mind that a little bit more consistency while it doesn’t always reflect the throes of battle, can make all the difference to a judge when grading a fight.

Character: 3.5

“Look at you,” Magus hissed through gritted teeth, death in his wild, red eyes. “You’re pathetic! Did you ever think you stood a chance against me?!”

Dante gurgled and choked response, grabbing Magus’ wrist with a frail, liver-spotted hand.

“Why did you join this tournament, anyway? Fame? A reward? You simpleton. You know why I joined?” the Fiendlord grinned, gripping his hand on the back of Dante’s head and driving his face down into Magus’ knee, smashing his nose and dropping him to the ground.

“To teach them to be afraid.”

While there were other times magus showed his strength, I felt like this was a good part to exploit the way you write him in with your voice. It’s passionate, well developed, and nicely described. You even took over Dante’s internal battle with your own twist, showing that you’re fearless, and can really adapt and rise to any challenge. I think you did very well in this category and Magus’s character was consistent. But, since I graded your first fight, I was left a bit curious as to why Magus was read a little different. It might just be on my end, but I felt like the view was a little less potent when reading the first half of the fight. I notice that you write in fights a lot better when you feel challenged. Dante brought his a-game in the middle post (in my opinion it REALLY got good then) and suddenly I felt like you were a new man! So, keep consistency and such, you have a great idea of who magus is, don’t be afraid to flaunt it.

“Some parlour trick. From pathetic pretty-boy to big, scary monster.”

“That’s how you want to go out? I’ve met children who could produce an insult more scathing.”

The dialogue between magus and Dante here was done very nicely and filled in any void space.

Final Thoughts: I think Dante was a good rival for Magus, but I felt like Magus could’ve done just a little extra work. Put a bit more thought into this category for your next round, because I know your potential, and I really would like to see it shine.

Story: 4

Magus literally laughed in his face. “And what might that be? A lesson in how to get your blood out of my clothes?”

“No, in gun safety.”

Magus looked down as a pistol was pressed into his gut. And then there was a bright flash as his body shuddered under some sudden, tremendous anguish. The bark of the .45 rang through his ears and he lost grip of his sword, stumbling back as Dante raised both his guns to Magus’ head, and fired.

This part was really awesome!

The wizard fell, crashing onto the cobblestone street. He pressed a hand on his wound, knowing instantly that he’d suffered a catastrophic wound.

Such damage, so early in the fight!

I’ll win this contest, and I’ll use the fame to raise an army against our Divine Jail Warden. I’ll either force Omni to send me back home, or I’ll kill him. Camelot will quake beneath the boots of the Demon King before I’m through.”

It was Dante’s turn to laugh. A weak, choked bark of humor rattled between his lips.

“Even gods die sometime,” Magus growled.

“And-” Dante rasped from where he lay. “So do demons.”

Magus’ eyes widened but it was too late. Dante’s arm flicked up, shotgun in hand. A white burst of flame and then he was tossed off his feet, crashing onto the rough cobbles, his entire torso aflame with agony.

This part was really well, you revealed Magus’s motivations and described Dante with great consequence, and I felt like it was well paced and revealed at the right moment with the most impact for the reader.

“Well, shit,” Magus breathed as he phased back. Bloody and naked as a jay bird, he grabbed his pants and his boots and sprinted into an alley, where he hastily threw his pants back on to cover himself and tugged his boots back over his feet.

I knew sexy magus would make his appearance.

He swung his weapon down, just as Magus revealed the charged bolt of Gloom he’d been hiding. With a roar of effort, he blasted Dante’s sword hand, causing him to lose his grip on his weapon.

Rebellion tumbled through the air and clattered to the ground out of reach. Rather than step over Magus to get it, Dante drove a brutal kick to his ribs, before straddling him and squatting down to deliver punch after punch to the face of the suddenly defenseless wizard. A thick Miasma befell them, but it wasn’t doing Magus any good.

Dante’s spiked knuckles literally chewed Magus’ flesh to the bone, sloughing off skin in disgusting, bloody flaps to reveal the ivory beneath.

Magus struggled, knowing if he didn’t act soon, he would die on this street.

This part, the last part of your third post, really was empowering. I certainly felt like Magus was the “underdog” in Dante’s new form, but I also felt like cheering for him. Both writers did a good job with this, but yours left me at a very inclining cliffhanger at the end.

Final Thoughts: Nicely done. Take care that you implement a little more passion when delivering Magus’s motivations.

Grammar and Spelling: 3.5

He knew not what raced through his opponent’s head, but he could sense something raw; something savage and primal.

semicolons separate sentences almost to the point where the two clauses should each be independent /or transitional phrases, or conjunctive adverbs. I’m not really a pro with semi colons myself, so I rarely use them. Keep an eye to make sure the clauses are independent, rather than continuing a thought. “It was savage and primal” may have made better sense to me and looks better. This usage comes off as a little awkward.

Magus patronizingly tilted his head in a pantomime of attentiveness. “Whatever it is you’ve got to say, you must be dying to tell me.”

Instead of a period, use a comma. Also I noticed that you didn’t leave your dialogue bare, from the last time I told you. It was appreciated and really set a good tone for the words spoken!

With a grunt of exertion, the Fiendlord climbed to his feet and clasped the hilt of his blade – still embedded in Dante’s flesh – with his free hand.

I felt like the hyphen usage could have been eliminated by using “which was” because their existence didn’t seem entirely necessary.

He looked at his work; a terrible, ugly red scar over milky flesh.

I wasn’t convinced the semi-colon was necessary here either, and I also felt like there could have been a comma between ugly and red.

Final thoughts: None really, you did well in this category.

Total Score: 19




Dante

Description and Clarity: 3

Even if his opponent possessed absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, the half-devil wasn't going to feel good whether he won or lost.

I found this sentence a little wordy and confused. Make sure to watch that the beginning of a sentence aligns with the end, and the overall point you want it to make.

As the story of this post progressed, so did the action, and I felt you got very familiar with Magus’s character, and your own, weaving in action and interaction comfortably.

A violet-hued mist began to coalesce around Dante, the air becoming thick around where he stood. Despite his wariness, the cloud did well to disguise the puff of smoke that reintroduced Magus to the world. Brandishing a shortsword, he lunged forward to nab the cocky red-coat in the back, the smaller blade dancing past the larger one on Dante's back. A sting of pain shot up the half-devil's side, and he suddenly twisted in the other direction, blindsiding Magus with a pistol whip to the side of his head.

With a deft roll away in retaliation, Magus left Dante alone in the miasma, allowing the latter to silently become powerless. The tiring aches from the last round seemed to return with a vengeance, and the devil hunter found it difficult to hold up his guns.

Dante desperately whirled his vision about, but he could see and feel only the mist. No matter- with a grunting heave, the nephilim launched himself as high as he could go. Still, it was not enough, the purple clouds still wafting about even 10 meters into the air. "Damn you!" Dante cried out indirectly to Magus as he fell back to earth. His boots planted harshly on the cobbled earth, and the nephilim found himself dropping to one knee.

Hmm, this excerpt near the end was an interesting one,

The lingering aches had not quite subsided yet

not quite and “yet” seem to heed the flow of the sentence because they take away from the concise/consistency of it. I wouldn’t call it a double negative, but I had to take another glance at what I was reading.

A shrill yell of pain rung out from the opposite side of the street, and Dante darted out from behind the cover of his building. His bad self wasn't going to be the one in control here.

Right here I saw you implemented setting again, however as a person who loves setting, I would’ve liked to see just a tad more on aspects or details buuut the word limit gets tricky and I liked this part too

With the foundations of a large stonework structure between himself and the dark magician, Dante at least managed to feel slightly more secure.....
The mercenary pulled the trigger and let loose several more suppressing shots, the bullets creating clouds of grit where they hit the stone walls.

Though the nephilim tried valiantly as usual to retort, his body suddenly felt heavy and strained - not akin to the ailment of the wicked fog, but as if Dante's own body had been left weak and frail. The red-coat brought both hands to bear on his broadsword, fighting to keep the weapon aloft with his limbered arms.

Well, you already know how I feel about the hyphens being too frequent, but other than that, I really liked this excerpt, it felt full and I think your middle post was your best one out of this round, your really showed what you had in you, and I also felt like it was climatic, dramatic, and action-packed.

Dante began to run for his broadsword strewn on the ground.

This isn’t wrong from what I can tell, but I felt like it could’ve been worded a bit better.

Final thoughts: you did well in this category, and rivaled Magus’s writing with your own concise descriptions, I did feel like, because of Magus’s personal style, that his gradual descriptions grew throughout the fight, and yours really were there best at the middle post and offered a great climax in the story/fight.

Voice: 3.5

If he was being honest, Dante would admit that he wasn't really looking forward to this fight. Not that the matchup was a concern - fighting a dark magician in a depopulated urban sprawl happened to be far from the least desirable of fights, in the devil hunter's book. Even if his opponent possessed absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, the half-devil wasn't going to feel good whether he won or lost. He had to make a preference, though, and living generally proved to be better than dying.

I thought you said death was cheap-

"Shut up," Dante spat harshly, wasting no more time lamenting on his omnipresent fault. Only two fighters, two flags they stood beneath, and one battle to be won. "Let's get this over with."

Again, the gong rang out with the blow of the hammer, and the devil hunter was off in an instant. The kingdom's signage and weaponry went unnoticed, or perhaps Dante simply didn't care. As the flashy mercenary vaulted off the building and hit the ground running, his hands found Ebony & Ivory, pulling both handguns out for quick use in the near future. Magus had seemed to mirror Dante's lack of caring, as the wafting remains of violet smoke were all that remained of the dark mage's presence on his own building.

Dante had played easy the last two rounds, fooling around with his foes. This time, the devil hunter was all business, and his business was booming. He slowed down as he reached the plaza of the city mock-up, tails of his coat whipping gallantly as he spun about on his heel. Like a living carousel, Dante rotated slowly in place, guns pointed from either side, head darting back and forth at the classical constructions around him. That magician fancied himself an easy hider, but there was no way he would to reappear without getting a few holes in his mug.

This paragraph alone was a great example of your personal style.

In the same sudden instant, they both raised their free hands for a sneak attack; Magus found a bullet placed in his open palm and Dante had Ebony blown away by a splash of dark magic.

This was a great, full sentence. I really liked this one, and I think your strength really is embedding these golden sentences into a good story.

With a groan, Magus pulled himself out of the splintered wreckage of the outdoor stand. The burning shots pain in his chest evolved into a minefield of lit nerves onto his whole torso, with the new bloody wound in his gut being the zenith. Glancing around, the sorcerer was met with a twinge of relief that he had managed to slip into the immaterial plane unnoticed.

This part had a nice sound and flow to it.

Final thoughts: You did great in this category, I felt like there were moments when your words really got the chance to shine, but other times they were drown out amidst the action and reaction. I recommend putting a little more thought into flow, but overall, I really liked your word choice and style.

Character: 3.5

The kingdom's signage and weaponry went unnoticed, or perhaps Dante simply didn't care. As the flashy mercenary vaulted off the building and hit the ground running, his hands found Ebony & Ivory, pulling both handguns out for quick use in the near future.

I liked the inklings you left, like this one, throughout your posts. Just kind of hinting along, but they added to your character, and reminded the reader who the narration was following.

Several drips of blood spilled from the open stab on the red-coat's lower torso, but he paid it little mind even as the severed nerves ground against each other.

Whoa that’s hard core.

What an evil soul, right? You ought to pay him pack, see how he likes a sword through the gut.

Unfortunately, that suggestion now sounded appealing.

TEMPTATION. Simple but well described.

The agitated devil hunter was about to sling another threat at his invisible opponent when, speak of the devil, he appeared right behind Dante, attempting to wrench the white-haired man into a headlock.

Speak of the devil. I see what you did there. Nice wordplay.
Story: 4.5

"Shut up," Dante spat harshly, wasting no more time lamenting on his omnipresent fault. Only two fighters, two flags they stood beneath, and one battle to be won. "Let's get this over with."

Again, the gong rang out with the blow of the hammer

I felt a bit surprised that it started slower, however I wasn’t displeased to learn a little more about Dante’s character. Keep an eye on pacing, the quarter finals are a whole other world than the first and second round!

A bolt of roiling black energy burst on Dante's shoulder blade, and he couldn't stop himself from crying out. The burning pain invaded his brain, beginning to overwhelm his senses. This smoke wasn't just that - with every breath, the half-devil found his wounds pulsing with pain, the cleric's magics becoming undone. Another orb of Gloom darted for the half-devil's figure, and the ensuing blast to his stomach almost made him double over.

This was great, so soon Dante felt the struggle of his contender and I felt it really progressed the match to an exciting point of action and extremity.

When has holding back ever saved your life? You have the power to end this in an instant, and you refuse because it's "not right."

I liked the back and forth between thoughts, and felt vaguely reminiscent of Atelos, it was done well and it helped engrave the current storyline.

Both fighters held the clash for agonizing moments, each staring and seething into the face of their foe. "You should have died, fool. If you're so determined to live, I'll make your living moments hell," the Fiendlord growled menacingly.

This moment was golden, and also highlighted by dialogue, which was awesome too. I also found the “gun safety” coming full circle to be amusing as well.

you can't let yourself be weak! Unleash your power!

"Can't be bothered to fight fair?" Dante taunted madly, his frustrations thus far manifesting into a general spite of the wizard. Even though he didn't stand much of a change still trying to swing his sword, the devil hunter still had one more trick behind his back, and he would have to make it count. Otherwise, his desperation would take hold...

This was the ending to your middle post. It was well done, and I don’t think anyone could’ve left off on such a strong note. I was inclined to “turn the page” and your story and sense of self really showed me what you had in you.

Final thoughts: in this category you did great, but your opponent was just a little better. I liked how you implemented Dante’s devil side, but there were times I felt like it could’ve been spun in a more resolute manner.

Grammar and Spelling: 3

If he was being honest, Dante would admit that he wasn't really looking forward to this fight. Not that the matchup was a concern - fighting a dark magician in a depopulated urban sprawl happened to be far from the least desirable of fights, in the devil hunter's book.

I found the usage of hyphen, then a comma, questionable, rather than two hyphens paired around that separated part of the sentence.

Can you feel it? Those violent, whipping howls - the black wind is strong...

again not saying it’s wrong, but I wasn’t sure I felt the need for a hyphen there.

even 10 meters into the air.

I’m not really sure numbers had a valid place in a long paragraph, it may very well have been a stylistic choice, but I prefer in a read of fluent text, for a replacement of the word “ten” to be just as efficient, and if you look at it, that one number really pops out of the paragraph, bringing attention to it, even though distance is just a detail.

When you used the same here,

.45 ACP rounds.

showing which caliber, it felt a little more necessary, and easier to be written out, rather than making the information wordy and taking up some of your limit just to explain what kind of rounds you are using (which I feel fits, is relevant, and contrasts from the above example.)

"I'm no fool. I know who you are, what you are like," the devilish voice spoke from the shroud of darkness, "-and I will ensure you fall before me."

“-and” left me a bit confused as to why the hyphen was included there. Were you simply picking up the thought/dialogue from when you last left off?

Finally, he burst free of the miasma- and that shortsword stabbed at him again.

Watch your use of hyphens, this one seemed unnecessary.

Don’t forget that there is a right kind of hyphen to use as well. “well-known” the small hyphen combines the two words, and with spacing etiquette the longer hyphen separates two thoughts in the same sentence

Magus braced himself – he hadn’t fought against such fury in a long time.

I wasn’t sure if you meant drips or drops here:

Several drips of blood spilled from the open stab on the red-coat's lower torso, but he paid it little mind even as the severed nerves ground against each other.

"Hey. Gun safety."

I felt like a comma would have sufficed for the period, but if you were trying to make it bold *wink* it totally worked.

Final thoughts: Your grammar was very clear, but there were a couple of mistakes. I wasn’t a big fan of the hyphens used, but I noticed those tapered off about halfway through. While that might be considered descriptions/clarity as well as voice, I prefer to categorize hyphens as grammar, and I would just say keep an eye on where you really want to put them, mainly during a fight, because fights really weigh in on flow and fluidity, sometimes you’ll want the reader to move with your character. I didn’t feel like the usage of hyphens was overwhelming so it isn’t like I took off for that, but keep an eye, and I think it’ll be better.

As a side note to this category, I was reading Stephen King, and I found a sentence with a hyphen and it broke up the sentence with very staunch and bold consequence. I think with a bit more development the hyphening could make for a tool to accentuate real revelations.

TS: 17.5


The final average scores are as follows:


Dante: 18.75

Magus: 20

Magus is the winner!