11-09-2015, 07:08 PM
[spoiler]I like his little internal monologues! They’re always hilarious and they add a lot to your style.
I really liked the flow of the opening paragraph. Good use of short and long sentences. “Yeah, he was good. He'd gotten past the Jolly Green Not-so-Giant without any trouble, whether it had been luck or his own skill choosing a damned fine time to jump out and assert itself in the most violent way possible.” Is the only thing I tripped over a little.
Good little detail with his teeth.
Short sentences used for maximum impact.
That heart line is golden.
The description of the scene is a great expository scene. Really helped the narrative.
Good use of the senses. That pollution needed a good introduction, and there it was.
I enjoy his wild frustration with the situation. Hilarity ensues.
“tin can-clad weapon-man” great line
The frailty and introspection of your character is freaking AWESOME. He is very relatable, and very… “real”? I don’t know, I like the way you handle his problems.
Tartaros Post 1
“Foul things, suffocating everything around them in a blanket of heat, sweat and drowning all sound with the thud of pistons. However, such was the smell of progress, of success.” Hnnngh so grimdark. Love it.
I appreciate the fact that you recognize that you’re murdering children for bloodsport.
“Idly grabbing some sort of pistol from the rack behind him and clipping it to his belt, Tartaros clambered up onto another platform, only to be met by a shrieking yell.” I feel like that might have been split off at belt? I dunno, tiny nitpicky nonsense.
While I do appreciate your own unique intro to the scene, I feel like the recap could have been skipped, and most of the elements you used could have been used while continuing the scene forward. You could have talked about the mist as he ran and leapt over the platforms, and mentioned where he had grabbed the pistol when you used it. Recapping just generally slows you down, and in a competition where your word-count is tightly regulated, it can break you off at the knee. Try to find a way to integrate those details in while moving forward I guess is my suggestion.
I think this is a pretty decent characterization of Adam, though I have to admit it feels a little bit strained. It’s hard to nail another person’s character after such a short time, so I’d say you did well.
I had a bit of a hard time figuring out what exactly Adam was going for with the Time Stop.
Adam Post 2
“DON’t PANIC” I’m not sure if this is a typo or a Homestuck thing. I feel that way about literally every typo that is made with your crew.
I like the way that the time-stop happens. It was well described, and I didn’t feel lost when I realized that Adam was ALSO stuck. It was clearly detailed and interesting.
The fact that the grenade hurt his shin is a great detail that many writers would not have thought about. Those things are friggin heavy.
Good image of the explosion reflected in his glasses.
(Total aside: When we did grenade training, we would throw a grenade, and then duck behind a barrier so you didn’t like, DIE or whatever. But, human nature being what it is, you WANNA WATCH IT EXPLODE. So people that stood there in imminent threat of having shrapnel jammed into their faces were called, “Lookers” and had big L’s drawn on their helmets in chalk. Adam is totally a Looker.)
I like the description of Tartaros’ Diablo-melta thing’s effects.
Tartaros Post 2
I find it interesting that so much of your posts are from ADAM’S perspective. It’s nto a bad thing, but I find it interesting. It sort of implies that Adam has a more interesting personal narrative for the scene?
“ limbs flailing around the place with all the grace of a drunken orangutan,” great line
“Staring down, Adam found a half-melted bolter and burnt, figure on the platform below, glaring at him and taking aim with a pistol.” The commas in this sentence are all wonky.
The Adam inner monologue was little weird for me. I had a hard time following his train of thought, which messed with my ability to track what was going on in the scene. Not world-ending, just a little foggy.
I’m glad you gave Adam the TIE fighter.
PFFFT, TIE FIGHTERS HAVE GREEN LASERS JEEZE PFFTPFPPFFPPFFFT
I find it hilarious that both of these guys just inherently know how to fly a TIE fighter. Not bad, by any means, just funny.
I really like the idea of Tartaros crashing INTO Adam’s fighter. I do think that this scene could have been more highlighted. It feels like you just ran out of words and kind of just tried to jam it in there, but I would say it’s the most dramatic thing that’s happened in this fight so far, with maybe the time stop ahead of it. And yet, it got very little emphasis. I might have moved some of the post around and cut out some of the running in order to give that scene more room.
Adam Post 3
Ah shit, is he not like, inside the cockpit? I probably just misread it.
“There was a groan of metal as Tartaros's fist smashed through the metal plating of the fighter, and if it had been a second quicker, it would have smashed straight into Adam's head as opposed to the seat, mid-ejection as it was, sending Adam's head and....well, everything, on a direct collision course with the rim of the ejection port.” This sentence is a bit confusing. I had to re-read it a few times. I might have chopped it up into a few smaller sentences and tried to make it a step-by-step of what happens.
Ok, I know that Adam hit the ejector port rim, but now I’m not sure what’s going on. I he still inside the craft? Is he outside of it? Ok, he’s still in the craft. Is it hovering? Is it flying? Is it crashing?
The intentional confusion about whether or not he had been stabbed was good. It made me double-take, but it seems like that was the point.
Ok, so Tartaros is inside the cockpit now, and is tearing his way out, following Adam.
I do like that Adam is making his way through this fight by the seat of his pants, and using his time-powers to figure out what to do next. The ending was a fun place to cut it off.[/spoiler]
Adam Gaite
Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, very good description. I feel like I could have seen MORE, but it felt fun and balanced with the pacing and detail given, so I have no major complaints there. I DID stumble through some places, especially in the last post, as I detailed above.
I overall really liked the whole “TIE fighter” portion of the fight, and tearing through it is really awesome, but it got a bit confusing there for a bit.
Voice: 4
I think this is your strongest point. You really hammer your character and yourself into the reader, and we are imprinted with what it’s like to read your work. So strong is your voice, that Tartaros was able to replicate it a bit when he was writing from your character’s POV, and that’s a strong statement.
Character: 4
Your characterization of Adam was really strong. He felt present, and I felt like I got to know him really well. I like that you essentially characterized Tartaros as a rusty monster, but I do feel that you could have done more with that character while you had your hands on him.
Story: 3
You managed to keep things moving, and you managed to make that movement feel fun and engaging, for the most part. You had the same tendency as Tartaros of handing off the exciting parts of the post off to the next writer, which I think could have been better utilized. I really loved the scene where they were both tearing through the TIE fighter and going back and forth, with Adam basically narrowly avoiding death at every turn. The time-freeze scene was really dramatic and well done.
Grammar: 3.5
Not a huge list of things to gripe about here, but typos were present, and there was some weird formatting here and there.
Total: 17.5
Tartaros
Description & Clarity:3
There were choppy bits here and there, but for the most part it was pretty on point. I had a hard time following what was happening here and there, and I think a part of that
Voice: 3
I feel like your strongest Voice is using your native media. Seeing the world through the lexicon and shade of Tartaros is interesting and fresh, so I think it hurt you not writing more from his point of view. Your writing from Adam’s POV was solid, and had a good sense of humor, but also, I really missed having more of Tartaros’ presence in your posts.
Character: 3
You handled both characters well, and I think you did a pretty good job of handling Adam’s neurotic and humorous nature. The times when Tartaros was on the page you handled him with an interesting way, but again, there was less of him than I would have liked. Tart just came out a little bit flat.
Story: 2.5
I feel like the pacing of your posts was a bit off, usually sort of taking Adam’s lead and using some filler to pad out the space in between big moments. The biggest example of this to me is the recap posting, and then after that it was the anticlimax of Tartaros jumping out of the TIE fighter. You had great ideas, but they didn’t seem to be the focus of your writing. There was a lot of running involved. You also handed off the time-freeze to Adam, which I feel would have been an exciting scene for you to go through.
Grammar: 3.5
A few little errors here and there, but nothing world-ending. I think you’ve improved your formatting and technical aspects of your writing a lot.
Sub-total: 15
x 2/3
Total: 10
I really liked the flow of the opening paragraph. Good use of short and long sentences. “Yeah, he was good. He'd gotten past the Jolly Green Not-so-Giant without any trouble, whether it had been luck or his own skill choosing a damned fine time to jump out and assert itself in the most violent way possible.” Is the only thing I tripped over a little.
Good little detail with his teeth.
Short sentences used for maximum impact.
That heart line is golden.
The description of the scene is a great expository scene. Really helped the narrative.
Good use of the senses. That pollution needed a good introduction, and there it was.
I enjoy his wild frustration with the situation. Hilarity ensues.
“tin can-clad weapon-man” great line
The frailty and introspection of your character is freaking AWESOME. He is very relatable, and very… “real”? I don’t know, I like the way you handle his problems.
Tartaros Post 1
“Foul things, suffocating everything around them in a blanket of heat, sweat and drowning all sound with the thud of pistons. However, such was the smell of progress, of success.” Hnnngh so grimdark. Love it.
I appreciate the fact that you recognize that you’re murdering children for bloodsport.
“Idly grabbing some sort of pistol from the rack behind him and clipping it to his belt, Tartaros clambered up onto another platform, only to be met by a shrieking yell.” I feel like that might have been split off at belt? I dunno, tiny nitpicky nonsense.
While I do appreciate your own unique intro to the scene, I feel like the recap could have been skipped, and most of the elements you used could have been used while continuing the scene forward. You could have talked about the mist as he ran and leapt over the platforms, and mentioned where he had grabbed the pistol when you used it. Recapping just generally slows you down, and in a competition where your word-count is tightly regulated, it can break you off at the knee. Try to find a way to integrate those details in while moving forward I guess is my suggestion.
I think this is a pretty decent characterization of Adam, though I have to admit it feels a little bit strained. It’s hard to nail another person’s character after such a short time, so I’d say you did well.
I had a bit of a hard time figuring out what exactly Adam was going for with the Time Stop.
Adam Post 2
“DON’t PANIC” I’m not sure if this is a typo or a Homestuck thing. I feel that way about literally every typo that is made with your crew.
I like the way that the time-stop happens. It was well described, and I didn’t feel lost when I realized that Adam was ALSO stuck. It was clearly detailed and interesting.
The fact that the grenade hurt his shin is a great detail that many writers would not have thought about. Those things are friggin heavy.
Good image of the explosion reflected in his glasses.
(Total aside: When we did grenade training, we would throw a grenade, and then duck behind a barrier so you didn’t like, DIE or whatever. But, human nature being what it is, you WANNA WATCH IT EXPLODE. So people that stood there in imminent threat of having shrapnel jammed into their faces were called, “Lookers” and had big L’s drawn on their helmets in chalk. Adam is totally a Looker.)
I like the description of Tartaros’ Diablo-melta thing’s effects.
Tartaros Post 2
I find it interesting that so much of your posts are from ADAM’S perspective. It’s nto a bad thing, but I find it interesting. It sort of implies that Adam has a more interesting personal narrative for the scene?
“ limbs flailing around the place with all the grace of a drunken orangutan,” great line
“Staring down, Adam found a half-melted bolter and burnt, figure on the platform below, glaring at him and taking aim with a pistol.” The commas in this sentence are all wonky.
The Adam inner monologue was little weird for me. I had a hard time following his train of thought, which messed with my ability to track what was going on in the scene. Not world-ending, just a little foggy.
I’m glad you gave Adam the TIE fighter.
PFFFT, TIE FIGHTERS HAVE GREEN LASERS JEEZE PFFTPFPPFFPPFFFT
I find it hilarious that both of these guys just inherently know how to fly a TIE fighter. Not bad, by any means, just funny.
I really like the idea of Tartaros crashing INTO Adam’s fighter. I do think that this scene could have been more highlighted. It feels like you just ran out of words and kind of just tried to jam it in there, but I would say it’s the most dramatic thing that’s happened in this fight so far, with maybe the time stop ahead of it. And yet, it got very little emphasis. I might have moved some of the post around and cut out some of the running in order to give that scene more room.
Adam Post 3
Ah shit, is he not like, inside the cockpit? I probably just misread it.
“There was a groan of metal as Tartaros's fist smashed through the metal plating of the fighter, and if it had been a second quicker, it would have smashed straight into Adam's head as opposed to the seat, mid-ejection as it was, sending Adam's head and....well, everything, on a direct collision course with the rim of the ejection port.” This sentence is a bit confusing. I had to re-read it a few times. I might have chopped it up into a few smaller sentences and tried to make it a step-by-step of what happens.
Ok, I know that Adam hit the ejector port rim, but now I’m not sure what’s going on. I he still inside the craft? Is he outside of it? Ok, he’s still in the craft. Is it hovering? Is it flying? Is it crashing?
The intentional confusion about whether or not he had been stabbed was good. It made me double-take, but it seems like that was the point.
Ok, so Tartaros is inside the cockpit now, and is tearing his way out, following Adam.
I do like that Adam is making his way through this fight by the seat of his pants, and using his time-powers to figure out what to do next. The ending was a fun place to cut it off.[/spoiler]
Adam Gaite
Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, very good description. I feel like I could have seen MORE, but it felt fun and balanced with the pacing and detail given, so I have no major complaints there. I DID stumble through some places, especially in the last post, as I detailed above.
I overall really liked the whole “TIE fighter” portion of the fight, and tearing through it is really awesome, but it got a bit confusing there for a bit.
Voice: 4
I think this is your strongest point. You really hammer your character and yourself into the reader, and we are imprinted with what it’s like to read your work. So strong is your voice, that Tartaros was able to replicate it a bit when he was writing from your character’s POV, and that’s a strong statement.
Character: 4
Your characterization of Adam was really strong. He felt present, and I felt like I got to know him really well. I like that you essentially characterized Tartaros as a rusty monster, but I do feel that you could have done more with that character while you had your hands on him.
Story: 3
You managed to keep things moving, and you managed to make that movement feel fun and engaging, for the most part. You had the same tendency as Tartaros of handing off the exciting parts of the post off to the next writer, which I think could have been better utilized. I really loved the scene where they were both tearing through the TIE fighter and going back and forth, with Adam basically narrowly avoiding death at every turn. The time-freeze scene was really dramatic and well done.
Grammar: 3.5
Not a huge list of things to gripe about here, but typos were present, and there was some weird formatting here and there.
Total: 17.5
Tartaros
Description & Clarity:3
There were choppy bits here and there, but for the most part it was pretty on point. I had a hard time following what was happening here and there, and I think a part of that
Voice: 3
I feel like your strongest Voice is using your native media. Seeing the world through the lexicon and shade of Tartaros is interesting and fresh, so I think it hurt you not writing more from his point of view. Your writing from Adam’s POV was solid, and had a good sense of humor, but also, I really missed having more of Tartaros’ presence in your posts.
Character: 3
You handled both characters well, and I think you did a pretty good job of handling Adam’s neurotic and humorous nature. The times when Tartaros was on the page you handled him with an interesting way, but again, there was less of him than I would have liked. Tart just came out a little bit flat.
Story: 2.5
I feel like the pacing of your posts was a bit off, usually sort of taking Adam’s lead and using some filler to pad out the space in between big moments. The biggest example of this to me is the recap posting, and then after that it was the anticlimax of Tartaros jumping out of the TIE fighter. You had great ideas, but they didn’t seem to be the focus of your writing. There was a lot of running involved. You also handed off the time-freeze to Adam, which I feel would have been an exciting scene for you to go through.
Grammar: 3.5
A few little errors here and there, but nothing world-ending. I think you’ve improved your formatting and technical aspects of your writing a lot.
Sub-total: 15
x 2/3
Total: 10
WINNER: ADAM GAITE
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.