11-09-2015, 01:37 PM
Still working on Kopaka's C&C. It should be up soon!
Kopaka
Description & Clarity: 3.5
Voice: 2
Character: 2.5
Story: 3
Grammar: 3
Total: 14
Courier 6
Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, your descriptions were above normal. You had a good presence of interesting details and I felt like I understood what was happening for the vast majority of the post.
There were a few times in which I was wondering exactly how the Courier was moving in order to get to the next phase of action, for example:
This is NOT a deal-breaker. It’s just an example of things that COULD be more clear and clean, but in moments of elevated action, these things happen.
I think that adding more adjectives and adding more depth to your description will not only make it pop more, but it will make the action more clear. This is because it allows us to see the INTENTION of the action through descriptive text, along with the words that bluntly describe what is going on.
Voice: 2.5
Not bad at all, but it also didn’t pop off of the page. The things that separated you from Kopaka is that you had a bit of liveliness to your posts, a sort of pep that was more absent in his. Things seemed to, at times, have more urgency and importance.
I would still point to the fact that a lot of your posts felt really procedural. It felt like I was just reading a list of things that were happening at times, and it was sadly devoid emphasis in places that could have direly used it. I feel like this is, in part, due to the amount of inner monologue that was going on. It can really suck the life out of an important moment when:
BAM pulled us right out of a dramatic action moment and she’s drifting off in thought. It DRAINS the personality and excitement from the writing.
But, as I said, there were plenty of times when you managed to give us a little taste of flavor to you writing.
Character: 2.5
I think you definitely did above average showing off the Courier as a character. You showed off a really personal moment when they were afraid, which added a bit to the character’s depth. Certainly better than a good chunk of folks writing here.
I guess my major complaint is that you didn’t really show us the character through their actions. It just felt like a string of THINGS happened, and the character shouldered through them. I don’t feel like I know them any better, and I don’t feel like I really got the core of who they are as people, either through action or dialogue or even the exposition.
It’s not necessarily about revealing your past, it’s not necessarily about the weapons they use. It’s about the little things. It’s about HOW they hold the knife. It’s about the tension in their muscles. It’s about the way her breath rasps on the inside of her mask. It’s the DETAILS, small and intimate, that make your character come to life. Think of the smallest aspects of what makes the Courier who she is.
Story: 2.5
I’d say that for the parts of the story that moved forward, it was pretty compelling. I liked the part where you went for the laser, I liked the parts where you were forced to deal with the differences in your fighting styles, and I like that you addressed your character feeling fear for the first time in forever.
A lot of your posts consist of the inner monologue, and it CRIPPLED the forward movement of the story. In the second post, there were only two or three actions that happened, and the rest was monologue about the character’s feelings and thoughts. A little bit of what you put down was really enriching the post, and the rest of that felt like filler.
Don’t underestimate your reader’s ability to infer what’s happening in your character’s head through their actions, or the things they do. Yeah, you can give us exposition every now and then, but when your posts turn into MOSTLY exposition, it really hampers you.
Look for ways to SHOW US what your character is feeling as they go through their actions. What are their hands doing? What about their feet? There are a myriad of ways you can show us what’s going through your character’s head without expressly writing about it.
Grammar: 3
A few typos here and there. It all comes down to proofreading. Find a way that helps you find little errors, because they are few and far between but still present.
Total: 13
Kopaka
Description & Clarity: 3.5
Voice: 2
Character: 2.5
Story: 3
Grammar: 3
Total: 14
Courier 6
Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, your descriptions were above normal. You had a good presence of interesting details and I felt like I understood what was happening for the vast majority of the post.
There were a few times in which I was wondering exactly how the Courier was moving in order to get to the next phase of action, for example:
Quote: Kopaka swung his blade at Six's ankles, making a strangely distinctive sound as it missed upon the gunslinger hopping over it. The Courier could only assume this meant it was much more powerful than she originally noted.I’m not sure why the sword would be more powerful? Is it his swing? Is it the weapon itself? Also, did she attack from mid-air, because that’s what I immediately assumed.
Taking the cue, Six jerked herself forward, stabbing down at her opponent, before he immediately raised his shield again.
This is NOT a deal-breaker. It’s just an example of things that COULD be more clear and clean, but in moments of elevated action, these things happen.
I think that adding more adjectives and adding more depth to your description will not only make it pop more, but it will make the action more clear. This is because it allows us to see the INTENTION of the action through descriptive text, along with the words that bluntly describe what is going on.
Voice: 2.5
Not bad at all, but it also didn’t pop off of the page. The things that separated you from Kopaka is that you had a bit of liveliness to your posts, a sort of pep that was more absent in his. Things seemed to, at times, have more urgency and importance.
I would still point to the fact that a lot of your posts felt really procedural. It felt like I was just reading a list of things that were happening at times, and it was sadly devoid emphasis in places that could have direly used it. I feel like this is, in part, due to the amount of inner monologue that was going on. It can really suck the life out of an important moment when:
Quote: As Six revved herself back, she got lost in thought, worried that she didn't know exactly how to handle a shield.And then, for the next three paragraphs, the action all but grinds to a halt.
BAM pulled us right out of a dramatic action moment and she’s drifting off in thought. It DRAINS the personality and excitement from the writing.
But, as I said, there were plenty of times when you managed to give us a little taste of flavor to you writing.
Quote:Another familiar boom cracked through the air as this Kopaka individual immediately picked himself up, slamming his strangely-shaped shield into the Courier's gun, herself in a bit of shock as it flew into the air.It kind of gives us a taste of how the Courier views her opponent and herself I nthe situation.
Character: 2.5
I think you definitely did above average showing off the Courier as a character. You showed off a really personal moment when they were afraid, which added a bit to the character’s depth. Certainly better than a good chunk of folks writing here.
I guess my major complaint is that you didn’t really show us the character through their actions. It just felt like a string of THINGS happened, and the character shouldered through them. I don’t feel like I know them any better, and I don’t feel like I really got the core of who they are as people, either through action or dialogue or even the exposition.
It’s not necessarily about revealing your past, it’s not necessarily about the weapons they use. It’s about the little things. It’s about HOW they hold the knife. It’s about the tension in their muscles. It’s about the way her breath rasps on the inside of her mask. It’s the DETAILS, small and intimate, that make your character come to life. Think of the smallest aspects of what makes the Courier who she is.
Story: 2.5
I’d say that for the parts of the story that moved forward, it was pretty compelling. I liked the part where you went for the laser, I liked the parts where you were forced to deal with the differences in your fighting styles, and I like that you addressed your character feeling fear for the first time in forever.
A lot of your posts consist of the inner monologue, and it CRIPPLED the forward movement of the story. In the second post, there were only two or three actions that happened, and the rest was monologue about the character’s feelings and thoughts. A little bit of what you put down was really enriching the post, and the rest of that felt like filler.
Don’t underestimate your reader’s ability to infer what’s happening in your character’s head through their actions, or the things they do. Yeah, you can give us exposition every now and then, but when your posts turn into MOSTLY exposition, it really hampers you.
Look for ways to SHOW US what your character is feeling as they go through their actions. What are their hands doing? What about their feet? There are a myriad of ways you can show us what’s going through your character’s head without expressly writing about it.
Grammar: 3
A few typos here and there. It all comes down to proofreading. Find a way that helps you find little errors, because they are few and far between but still present.
Total: 13
WINNER: KOPAKA
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.