Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Ms. Marvel V. Shang Tsung

The penalty for the missed deadlines will be calculated at the bottom, that last post called it close by like, 3 minutes. (Sasuke’s spoiler on that post made me laugh too much, “with a spare minute”). You boys blow my mind. Despite the deadlines, good work.


Ms. Marvel

... Before I begin, this is kind of a preference(?), but the excerpt at the top, updating miss Marvel by use of the ginger woman would have been preferred in the spec thread, and then linked here at the top with a spoiler tag / in quotes. I started the fight and was a bit confused, and I was expecting the start of a battle to be different. It was a bit jarring for an introduction post, and I didn’t really care too much for it, (she also wasn’t in the arena). In the future, link it, and it wouldn’t have counted for your word limit either (as it narrates her going to the arena).

Another note is I couldn’t find your roster for Ms Marvel, so I wasn’t sure if I was just being thick headed, but I spend a good five minutes scrolling rosters and archived searching for it. Instead,

I had to use this <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=3964">viewtopic.php?f=10&t=3964</a><!-- l --> and <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?p=45202#p45202">viewtopic.php?p=45202#p45202</a><!-- l --> and the dreaded WIKIPEDIA

I like to check people’s rosters so I can read a description of their moves, also, to read their character’s personality. I wasn’t familiar with Ms Marvel, and didn’t know her alias was Carol Danvers (or do aliases work the other way around...) but, its all good, your joining forum sufficed.


Description and Clarity: 3

At the beginning, there was a lot of “carol danvers” “ms Marvel” and “the red haired woman” and while that’s all fine, if someone wasn’t sure who Carol danvers was, it could have been a bit confusing. Intros are good places to introduce the character’s pronoun/anonymous. Good thing to keep in mind for the future is just to be cautious with that kind of thing, as clarity is a big section weighed in on the scorecard. The below is kind of where I meant it got a bit muddled (just so you can see).

As the woman took her leave from Marvel, a dark haired man dressed in a yellow attire and equipped with steal weaponry, took her place.

Remember that “her” will refer to the person and name said directly before.

“Oh,” Shang began, his response seemingly to weigh heavily on his shoulders, as the words left his lips, “if only you could.”

Marvel studied the man with a close eye for a moment, uncertain if she had missed something. Finally, she repeated, “If only I could?”

However, before she got a response from her opponent, the vary platform she stood upon began to quake. It jittered back and forth for a while, before finally taking to the air, as though it were Captain Marvel itself.

This part was concise, and very nicely done.

Hovering above a proverbial mind field of, likewise, floating platforms, Ms. Marvel took in her surroundings. The two combatants stood upon platforms of steel, suspended in mid-air. Nothing to catch themselves with, save for some unsavory, slimy, green ichor that polluted the coliseum floors below.

This was probably one of my favorite descriptions this fight, I was glad you included it, without it, I may have felt there was a little under-use of the inclusion of toxins and other dangerous arena stuff going on that gets utilized later.

Long since forgotten were the human restrictions of her past, it’d had been decades since she had been empowered with the ability to fly; an ability she would use here and now to her advantage.

The part after the semi colon, I didn’t feel fit very well, and I felt like the sentence could have been restructured for a better effect. Proposed solution(s):

Long since forgotten were the human restrictions of her past. It had been decades since she had been empowered with the ability she could use to her advantage, the ability to fly.
Or if you prefer. “:The ability to fly.” (independent clause)

A heart jolting fear shot up Carol’s spine as Shang Tsung’s image became smaller and smaller, until finally—

*SPLAT*

Ms. Marvel smacked, face first, into the slime covered depths below. The shadow of incapacitation stalking her, and just as her flight had abandoned her, so now, had her consciousness

Nicely done.

In its wake, a myriad of color blotted out the day’s sky, casting a variegated hue of light upon, an enamored, crowd of Camelot patrons, while the robust and sweeping, stone ramparts of the colosseum trembled; the results of Dalaran’s protective wards, spells, and enchantments waning under exertion.

This sentence seemed way too long. A little tweaking and it could have been made more fluent for a much more impacting result.

Annoyed, flustered, and frustrated, the sorcerer turned on his opponent, and summoned forth vigor from within the pool of souls he had condemned, unleashing a breath of Draconian flame; a flame that tore the very air with its potent rage, however, found its target, it did not.

Can I reference star wars here? This time though, I can be Yoda. Again this one was a little lengthy. Just keep an eye on this sort of thing, and if you have any questions about how to modify this sort of thing, my pm box is waiting. I did this a couple of times during my fight too so I can understand how it would happen, but it does get a bit hefty to read.

” as the words left her lips,

“as soon as” might work too, just a suggestion, no negatives here.

sunflower colored lock of hair anywhere

“Anywhere” seemed excess.

hit the floor with a sickening thud, and a lot less grace, several yards away.

Ms. Marvel sank her hips, took a deep breath, and unleashed every bit of athleticism her legs could muster, bounding the colosseum heights like a rocket, and escaping the putrid and infectious toxins of below. At the height of her vertical, she had passed all the available platforms, leaving only an abandoned TIE fighter ship for her to grasp out at; she climbed.

was nicely done.

For this category, I liked your word choice and descriptions. I felt they challenged your opponent as well, however I felt like there were time when your sentences got a little longer and a bit more confusing. Keep the flow.

Voice: 4.5 *

He moved with the prime of youth as he stood upon one of the platforms; a cloud of confidence and self-assurance in his strides.

The gong sounded, and the space surrounding the female avenger began to distort, as her kree powered energy welled up within her and, like a rocket, she shot out, leaving her platform behind, soaring over the battle field, and headed straight for Shang Sung.

Her fist became enveloped in a hue of golden and electric like properties, as she closed the distance on her opponent, coming ever closer… before falling away.

nice narration, I could really feel the power behind your tone and word choice.

Unnerving agony. A nervous system brought to the brink, under siege. Fire. Carol’s internal alarm systems shrieked, pleading for relief. A relief that never came. Panic, nausea, and lightheadedness befell her, as infectious plumes of toxic sludge, haunted, and tormented her senses, impairing her most fundamental of abilities.

Stricken, she felt a very large insect burrow itself into her skull and then proceed to hatch its larva. The clawing and tearing of a migraine, relentlessly assaulting her cerebellum.

This part really grossed me out, so I can only assume that this sentence was super-effective.

Boom. A cacophony of deafening explosions thundered throughout the arena, as marvelous, proton energy clashed with the menacing, flame engulfed skull, compliments of Shang Tsung.

right gilded flames of pure energy enveloped Ms. Marvel’s form, as radiant, blistering hot, white light amassed into her palms, and discharged two violent beams of ill intent. Under scrutiny, Shang’s reflexes failed to disappoint, and pole-vaulted the sorcerer out of harm’s way, abandoning one platform for another. Taking to a roll, he found his feet just in time to avoid another golden beam of destruction, courtesy of the avenger.

This was an excerpt from your last post. I liked that your posts got increasingly better, and I felt like if they were all of this good of quality, your categories would have been marked a bit higher, and this one would have received a complete 5.

You did awesome in your category, and I felt you were a bit better than your opponent in this one. Very strong, and nicely paced during the majority of the fight. Try to keep consistency in the future.

Character: 3.5

“I can do better.” Shang interrupted her with a wicked smile present upon his visage.

“No you can’t.” she snapped quickly in response, asserting herself.

“Yes,” the sorcerer responded with a long, drawn out pause, creating finality, “I can.”

This part was amusing.

An immense stare off, a show down, if you will, took place between the two of them before, suddenly, they shared a laugh in unison, breaking the tension.

I tried very hard, and could not imagine Shang laughing in any other way other than maliciously.

“I like you, any chance you’ll just stand aside and let me win?” Carol feigned flirtation.

“Not in the slightest, my dear.” The sorcerer coed, obviously enjoying the innocent banter.

This told of ms Marvel's character inadvertently.

With this starting dialogue, I got a good sense of who Ms. Marvel was, without you having to outwardly describe her. Both contestants did very will in this category.

Well, they’re happy.” Ms. Marvel broke the tension, removing bits of sludge from her attire, she hadn’t previously noticed. Holding the ichor, a wave of uncomfortable illness washed over her, causing Carol to arch an eyebrow in response, “So, you want to see what kind of tricks I have up my sleeves?”

I like her personality a lot, she's enticing, sexy, and you really describe her to perfection.

She hunted for Shang Tsung, littering the field with powerful beams of red laser. You could take the girl out of the Airforce, but you couldn’t take the Airforce out of the girl!

This was a nice note to end on.

HI! So, for this category, I liked what you did with Ms Marvel v. Shang, however I felt like you could've done a bit more, and made it a bit more...effective. Her personality is great, but I would have wanted to see more. the higher score went to shang in this category, because I felt like he had a good consistency about his character, and I felt a very strong connection to how relatable his character was described and displayed.

Story: 4
You started off with a lot of dialogue, and while I enjoyed the use of it, I almost felt like there was a little TOO much. I’m not a big fan of dialogue when writing action, because I kind of suck at weaving them both together with a good balance, but when done well I can appreciate the use. You carefully constructed the dialogue to match each character well, but I felt like it took up too much space, considering the word limit, and I’m not sure I was 100% sold on its necessity considering how there was some potential action compromised in the introduction. I did not feel like the trade between describing the character, and their displays to the dialogue was the best choice. But even with that said, It surprised even me that I DID like it. It helped define the character’s personalities better.

Later there was a quaking that snapped them out of the dialogue, and I felt like that was done to perfection, because not only did you use the setting as a bit of a plot device/impactor, I just thought it was timed very nicely.

The clawing and tearing of a migraine, relentlessly assaulting her cerebellum.

Pressing her fingers to her temples, she did her best to abate the searing pain. However, as quickly as it came, the migraine left. In its place a new ailment developed within Carol’s stomach. Hunching forward, she clutched her sides for dear life and gave to the sludge her own contribution.

She gasped, cleaned the vomit from her face, and tried to access her situation

I felt that the use and impact of this really improved some of the action in this fight, and for this/picking up the pace, I favored this category a bit more.

Once the smoke settled, the two combatants were standing, ushering in a joyous, bloodthirsty roar from the crowd. This fight wasn’t over, not by a long shot.

This inclusion was very subtle, but I appreciated it.


Grammar and Spelling: 2

As the woman took her leave from Marvel, a dark haired man dressed in a yellow attire and equipped with steal weaponry, took her place.

*steel, an easy mistake to make, don’t worry too much about it.

“The pleasure is mine.” Responded an overly pleasant voice.

responded should be lowercase. You did this later on, so I only assume it to be an accident.

I could have took you with me when I left this place

Taken* small tense slip.

Shang began, his response seemingly to weigh heavily on his shoulders, as the words left his lips, “if only you could.”

Capital I in if

Shang Sung.

Christmas Carols? please love my pun sasuke

[/quote]Damn. Ribs busted. F*cking *sshole.” Carol cursed at Shang’s laser turret aftermath. She coughed and crimson answered. Contempt flavored her tongue,[/quote] after the dialogue, three periods seemed like too much, you could modify it so that it flowed a little better/more fluidly.

I wasn’t sure if the censorship was necessary but it didn’t bother me either way. (SN: Shang outright said asshole)

Hot; blistering hot.

no use of semi colon is needed, instead use a comma or period.

“So, you want to see what kind of tricks I have up my sleeves?”

I just wanted to bring to your attention that when used in this expression, sleeve is singular. It as in dialogue so I really didn’t take off for that.

With no more platform to hold onto, Ms Marvel,

extra comma before ms. marvel, and no period.

god like

needs a hyphen, yo’

No matter what mutant, super powered, god like foes she encountered, the good ones… the ones worth their salt…. they always had that, one common trait, one common denominator, and Shang Tsung… he had it. She would crush this opponent, she wouldn’t allow him vantage; she couldn’t afford to.

This part could be interpreted as formatting or something, but I felt like the first and second inclusion of ellipsis could be used as elongated hyphens instead. Then I felt like the last semi-colon was not really needed, and could have been a comma to pack more of a punch. When you see a battle, you’ll see mainly commas and periods, you won’t see a lot of semi-colons there, and I think there are a few reasons for it, one of them being they heed sentences, and they reduce the quality of the sentences, spacing, and syntax. In this case, I think it reduced the consequence of the last part being “she couldn’t afford to” which I felt was meant to be a bit stronger than it was delivered in this way.

casting a radiant glow of gold,

Preference “ and cast”

, but it matter not.

Mattered* / it didn’t matter


In this section, there were a few small mistakes, and I think they could’ve been caught with an extra look over. Don’t worry about it too much, but in the future I suggest an extra look under the preview option.

Total Score: 17 x .666 = 11.33






Shang

Description and Clarity: 4

Was this supposed to impress him?

For someone so skilled in the art of banter, the woman had certainly managed to invalidate any sort of threatening undertones from their exchange by plunged head-over-heels into the virtually opaque miasma that lined the floor of the Colosseum. When she made no effort to move, Shang shrugged his shoulders and glanced around for some sort of timekeeper or tournament official.

Unfortunately for the sorcerer, there weren’t any individuals in striped shirts to tell him how he should react to his opponent toppling several stories and smashing her face on the ground. Had he won?

Strong start, nice word choice.

Shang turned his focus toward a nearby platform. Much like all the others, it was made of steel and stood glued in midair by unseen forces. Unlike the others, it had a large, twin-barrel turret—a massive gun that could have been stolen from the deck of a twentieth century dreadnought—mounted to it. A small leap took the sorcerer over the gun platform, and with a sigh, he slipped in behind the glistening barrels of the weapon. The controls were by no means complicated. Two heavy handles controlled the aim, and there were bright red buttons for his thumbs. A child could have operated the heavy gun, and the thought of a toddler mowing down rebels brought a faint grin to the man’s face.

I felt like the part I bolded, the comma COULD have been moved to after “and” there wasn’t anything incorrect, but I will sometimes make small suggestions or notes like that so you can weigh how it sounds in your head. Carrying on..

There was a warm whoosh of air as the turret belched out a pair of condensed laser bursts from its barrels. Despite shooting energy and lacking any shell casings to eject, the gun still managed to have enough recoil to jar the sorcerer’s shoulders and nearly knock him off balance.

This was a cool excerpt.

As he leaned over the weapon, the sorcerer smiled as the smell of cordite burned at his nostrils. The Omniverse was a wonderful place. How long had it been since he smelled cordite? The First World War? Honestly, the nearly opaque layer of smog on the floor below and the pretense of so many wrecked vehicles jutting up from the toxins made it look akin to the last days at Passchendale or the Marne.

Hmm. The inclusion of this wasn’t “concise” and while I didn’t find it completely necessary, I thought it was cool to see the lens you used for Shang, and how the insight was brought to his character’s nonvocal narration. It could have been left out and I probably wouldn’t feel like I was missing anything. It felt like just an extra detail but I didn’t mind it and felt it showed variance and contrast for the sentence that follows: “All that was missing was the clatter of machineguns and the screams of men dying over a few square yards of blighted, blood-soaked soil.”

Before the sorcerer could offer another witty retort, she flung her hands forward, and with a flash of light, beams of energy erupted from each of her palms. Shang growled and dove away as the blasts smashed into the platform, rocking it back and forth as he landed shoulder-first on the other end. By the time he scrambled up to his feet, his opponent had joined him on his platform. Their eyes met for a brief moment before another twin burst of energy crashed against Shang’s chest and threw him from the floating perch.

This action was nicely described.

Fortunately for the sorcerer, the effects of whatever toxins littered the floor of the arena did seem to dissipate quickly as he shook some feeling into his extremities and tried to find where the woman had concealed herself.

The last half of the sentence I wasn’t really a big fan of “and tried to find where the woman had concealed herself” seemed a bit wordy. Maybe just “had hidden herself” or just something chill to end a sentence that already narrated a few actions. It could just be the phrasing, and I’m certainly not trying to nit-pick. Just thought I’d bring it to your attention.

Need a plan.

You’re probably fully aware of this, but I felt like the punctuation after it could have been “...” (to lead into the final “better be enough”) or a comma, but what you did was fine too.

In the few seconds it had taken him to veer the ship back up, the woman had already pulled in line behind him. She would need just a few more seconds to punch his fighter full of burning-red holes.

I wasn’t sure why, but this last sentence just didn’t flow the way I was expecting. “fighter full of” is a fine alliteration, but I think there needed to be something there. With the word limit, you probably had to delete some stuff, I wasn’t too worried about this one occurrence.

bloody fist

could have been “bloodied”

The ‘Eject’ button.

personal preference, but italics might look nice there too, this is only a suggestion.

You were skillful, excellent, and consistent in this category. Well done.

Voice: 3.5

He was burned, battered, and bloodied, but Shang Tsung still had enough left in his tank to drag himself up off the disease-infested soil of the stadium. All around him, lances of red energy bombarded the ground, tearing up clumps of dirt and stone as the woman in the spaceship sought out the fallen sorcerer. Amidst the haze of the burning platforms and the smoldering heaps of steel that now littered the battle zone, Shang concealed himself.

There were more nice examples of Shang's lens and how nicely some things were written, however, I felt like Ms. Marvel's voice was just a bit better than yours during this fight. Your style was very good, however I felt like more effort was attributed to character than this category specifically. Find a good balance between these two categories. You're almost there.

Character: 4

If blood is what they want…

I don’t know if you took my advice... But whatever you did it payed off. I had
a great sense of who Shang was starting from your very first post, and it showed very nicely! Little things were implemented to greater his personality’s overall effect, and there were honestly too many minute details to cite every single one. Nice descriptions.

The controls were by no means complicated. Two heavy handles controlled the aim, and there were bright red buttons for his thumbs. A child could have operated the heavy gun, and the thought of a toddler mowing down rebels brought a faint grin to the man’s face.

“Miss me?”

Cute. And by cute, I can imagine Ms Marvel wanting to punch him in the face for that.

Shang's character was great throughout this entire fight. I held off giving anything higher than a four, because I'm waiting to see some really passionate or enraged Shang. Is this a valid excuse? It is now. Emotion was described and I felt aligned with the character even from Ms. Marvels POV. Good work improving on this category.

Story: 3.5

When he had the smog-shrouded body of his adversary within the targeting reticule, the sorcerer looked up from the gun sights and flashed the crowd a ‘thumbs up.’ He got the reaction he wanted—a cacophony of deafening hoots and hollers that called for blood.

She’s quick on the draw. The sorcerer mulled over that thought as he twisted his body around and lashed out at the ground below with a telekinetic pulse. While it didn’t spare him much of the agony, the trick gave him a chance to position himself to roll with much of the impact. Unfortunately, the toxic miasma started to have an immediate effect on him as his eyes watered and he felt the familiar taste of bile start to well up in the back of his throat.

Through a fit of coughs, Shang rose to his feet and tried to determine the best means to ascend back to the platform.

This part matched similarly to what Ms Marvel did in her previous post. I felt like she did it a bit stronger and delivered its impact with more potency. However yours was equally described epically so I felt it was about equal in consequence overall.


*

It’s just the toxic vapors playing tricks on your mind. Focus.

He knew in his gut that was true, but even so, he felt his muscles getting stiff.

Doesn’t matter. She did it.

Now it was his turn.

Anything she can do…

“I can do better,” Shang coughed as he willed his legs to move forward.

This part’s inclusion really impressed me, to the point where your score was raised at least a half a point. I really liked how you skillfully brought it back to that and was stunned at just how smoothly it played out.

As his legs rushed him forward, the sorcerer threw out a hand and willed the nearby cable into his frantic grasp. Once he had it clenched in his dirty fist, he gave it a solid yank, liberating it from the wreckage. A beat later, he swung it out in front of him, wrapping it around part of the armory stand. Behind him, bolts of laser fire grew closer, nipping at his ankles from close enough away to heat his flesh. Before the assault could reach him, he lunged from the ground with everything he had left, his body swinging with the arc of the anchored cable. As the ground behind him erupted upward into a fount of dirt and stone, he was in the air, his lithe form slung upward behind the tension of the cable.

This part was simply thrilling. Enforced by the word choice that followed too.

This category was about a tie with your opponent. You did very well but your skill I felt wasn't always consistent with the very (sometimes elaborate) action you had Shang take. You did great in this category, but I felt more inclined by Marvel's consistency and that's what made the difference in the half point.

Grammar and Spelling: 5

Why is this category perfect? Your effort and proofreading shows.

Nice job.

TS: 20

The Winner Is Shang Tsung!