11-08-2015, 07:36 AM
Bandit Vs. Mami
Bandit
Description and Clarity: 3.5 - I wouldn’t have much more to add to anything that was said in your last judgement in this category. I do, however, think you have improved on this area since then, which is why I have given you an extra half a point.
I think your use of the arena is quite good, but I still think it could be improved. Both yourself and Mami focused a lot more on the two characters fighting and interactions with each other. This lead to the Arena being included mostly as platforms that their fight took place on. Although this is good, I feel like the effects of the toxic gasses and what not that lay below the two combatants could have been mentioned a little more. Not really in how it looks, but the sort of smells it causes and how this effects the characters. I know that something like this was included in one of the posts in this fight, and that's why I'm bringing it up now. I loved it and thought it should have been mentioned a little more.
Voice: 3.5 - Your paragraphs flowed, and I really got a sense for your writing. You made reading this post, your character and your writing quite enjoyable and awesome. There were a few moments when things moved a little to fast for my liking, but these were few and I think you did a nice job at keeping a nice and even pace.
Character: 3.5 - I think you did rather well at displaying Bandit as a character. I don’t really know much about the character, but she seems rather... unfazed by her situation within the Omniverse. That wouldn’t work for most characters, usually, but it works really well for Bandit and I loved it. I also seem to get the vibe that she hate’s Magical Girls, this aided you in this fight, but could easily get repetitive. So I’d be cautious about always mentioning the sorts of people that this character comes to hate.
Story: 4 - In a similar fashion to your last fight, I feel as though Bandit controlled most of the story progression within this fight. Mami did have Bandit on the run quite a bit, but I felt as though this was Mami following your lead and getting a feel for writing with you. I feel like Bandit is such a great character and this really helps you push the story along as much as you do.
Grammar & Spelling: 4 - As solid as any sort of solid can be. I didn’t find myself tripping over many mistakes in your spelling or grammar. There were a few moments, but only a few and they weren’t major.
Total = 18.5
Mami
Description and Clarity: 3 - Much like your last judge, I also felt like your posts were very ‘fun and springy’ Which I quite liked actually. The posts seemed to fit the character.
I also think you did a great job of using your surroundings, the way you wrote and included the aspects of the arena around both yourself and Bandit was really nice. However, mention of the gasses and toxins that lay below their platforms was sparse, and spread out through the posts, I would have liked to see this included a little more in the descriptions. Not just that it was there, but more of what it would have caused the air to smell like. Little things like that.
I think the way you described both character’s actions throughout the fight was great too, it wasn’t filled with over the top words that didn’t have a place, but you also didn’t just repeat the same words and make it a rather boring read. I do, however, think that playing around with your paragraphs (such as you did in your later posts) will aid in bumping this category up a notch.
Voice: 2.5 - Your posts seemed to include a lot of information all in a short amount of time. You tend to write in a way that has events happening rather fast. This was mostly apparent in your first post, but in your second and third posts, the structure of your paragraphs really helped slow things down.
Character: 3 - Mami the Magical Girl is a wonderful character. You show a lot of who she is within her dialogue and I think this is where you can improve. Rather than showing her (mostly, not completely) through her dialogue, try and emphasize the way your character thinks and feels through their actual actions. I’d like to point out that you don’t do this all the time, but it is where I felt a lot of it comes from.
Story: 3 - You did have some great moments where Mami pushed the story forward. But I feel like you let Bandit do this a lot more. Not that this is a bad thing, it’s always nice to follow someone else’s lead, but I feel as though Bandit did a lot more of the story pushing for this fight
Spelling & Grammar: 3.5 - I think you did really well, I didn’t notice any misspelled words. However, I did need to re-read over a few sentences in each post due to missing commas. Mostly solid though.
Total = 15
The winner is Bandit