Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Wakka Vs. Dante!

Before I begin, I wanted to mention I took careful consideration on the matter of deadlines. After investigation -I checked, and had someone else check- and found only Wakka posted late once, so the mention of Dante posting out of time just kind of confused me? Anyway, there will be no deduction for Dante, who posted on time every round.

Dante


Description and Clarity: 3

At least, he was fortunate in his super-powerful ability to jump, only barely whiffing the threat of the roiling clouds below before planting his feet on the next metal surface.

On the other side of the battlefield, Wakka shared some of Dante's sentiments, but not his maneuverability. Scrambling to regain his balance, the blitzballer managed to fall onto the actual platform of the steeled edge he had jumped for.

Don’t be afraid to really describe the gritty actions. This is the first post, but it’s also the second round, so I have a bit higher of expectations for the way things like setting are described. It was clear, but could have used a few more adjectives or description for intrigue purposes. Keep in mind that the introduction post should also entice the reader, we should be inclining our heads to find out what happens next!

Closing the distance between himself and the shelter he saw his foe dart behind, Dante held up for a moment to bound dramatically into the air. Spreading his arms into useless wings, he aimed for the shacked platform with the cheers of his renewed supporters. With Dante out of Wakka's sight, the latter wisely assumed the worse and backpedaled out of the shack- just as the devil hunter crashed down feet-first on the roof.

I would start out with “as he closed the distance...” but thats just a quick suggestion, I liked this sentence because of the visual, and felt like it was essential for the rest of the post and helped the action parts “take off.”

Nice phrasing right here

His accent called to Dante, "How's that fo' ya'? A Blitzball don't taste so good, eh?"

Wakka was about to taunt his opponent again when the sudden shriek of metal-on-metal rang out. Cringing at the shrill noise, the athlete grit his teeth in expectancy.

Again, don’t forget what he was expecting! Sometimes little details like this are the perfect spots for imagery evoking emotion.

What he wasn't expecting was the metal shelter being cut in half, and the top half being kicked at him. The blitzballer dove in panic off to another platform, scrambling spreadeagled to the center while the metal plates crashed along the surface behind him.

With Dante's one free arm now barely holding him away from the abyss of pestilence, the one thought that came to mind was, "That was an embarrassing mistake." Returning his trusty greatsword to it's place behind his back, the devil hunter paid attention to the space above him; his newly empty hand fell below his waistline in anticipation.

Your second post had a much stronger pull to the descriptions, and I felt like you bounced off of Wakka’s writing really well.

he worked with it best, the athlete was left with little other fighting options -

switch out “the athlete” and “he” for a better, smoother read.

In other news, Dante found himself just about to plant a foot up his own ass. Albeit inadvertently, he had knocked this otherwise fairly chill guy (from what Dante guessed) into a horrific void of venomous slog- and that wasn't the kind of thing he would wish on most anyone.

there is a word limit, but in the future don’t be afraid to say more cause and effect things. Why was he a chill guy? Obviously in this situation it fit very well and was inferred for the reader, but it is always beneficial to think along those lines!

Still, taking the brunt of an explosion like that looked terribly painful to such an otherwise plain individual as Wakka.

This sentence felt like it needed a slight formatting change, or a comma/additional touch. On the otherhand, it had a good lens for how Dante may have spoken/narrated it himself.

Oh well, only one way to find out now.

The flow may have sounded a little bit more conclusive with “there was” only one way to find out now, added.

You did well in this category, however I felt a bit of struggle when competing with some of Wakka's descriptions, don't worry about trying to match another's style, but focus on your own adaptation to theirs. Throughout the match, your writing gradually increased, which I think in itself is a good measure of improvement.

Voice: 3.5

That said, it wasn't as if Dante's particular siding came without benefits, he noted when turning his gaze to the armory of demon-flavored weapons. Hellfire cannons, volcanic polearms, a jet-black whip... nothing he personally recognized, but all tempting nonetheless. That artillery gun looked awfully powerful, but the devil hunter doubted he would turn to it even in a pinch.

I liked the inclusion of this during the first post, it added a little flavor to the scene, and I liked how it was made relevant by the character.

he'd forge his own path to victory.

During your first post, your flow seemed a little inhibited, but in the second, I felt like you had more time to find a good writing pace. Good work.

Wakka's scarlet plume of hair whipped about several times as he searched for his ball. A lump very quickly rose in his throat when he realized it could've fallen away,

No longer about to die, and with air back in his lungs proper,

“proper” just seems like an extra word, but it didn’t sound bad in the way this sentence was read.

The fantastic comeback was met with Wakka winding up another throw with the sport ball. Surely, Dante couldn't counter it at this range - but he did, sniping the orb right out of the athlete's grip with a deftly-placed bullet.

He turned tail, sprinting away from the ensuing giant rays of green-flavored annihilation. Beneath his boots, the iron island was easily razed apart by the onslaught of the Empire's advanced weaponry, and Dante leaped for his life. In the whipping wind came the cry of the bloodthirsty crowd, the scream of the powerful lasers, and the yell of an over-hyped Wakka.

To conclude this category, you had a good lens, and Dante's character was well described. I felt like there could have been a little more done. In the future I suggest really bringing it into Dante's perspective, however I don't mean spend the whole post, a small excerpt would have been nice just for a little extra information to draw in the reader. I also felt that this section you most improved on during the fight (as well as character) and I felt like that improved the battle, so it felt increasingly realistic.

Character: 3

Before he could even dare to kick the man away and into the pit of roiling toxin, however, the shine of gunmetal met Wakka's eyes and they went open wide. The nephilim didn't even crack a one-liner, simply sporting a fittingly demonic grin. The blitzballer let loose some guttural expression of panic, and immediately dived back as Dante pulled the trigger.

Nice conviction there.

It occurred to the devil hunter than this whole arena, actually, was supposed to represent the industrial nightmare of Coruscant; but Dante couldn't blame the Empire for this, right here. They didn't make this arena, some madman here did, and with the intent of brutal death.

The devil hunter paced up to the edge where Wakka topped over, and suddenly it was his turn to be caught off-guard. A futuristic weapons battery wasn't exactly was Dante was expecting or looking for, but it was there, and the blitzballer was behind it.

Insightful! But I would have liked to see the cause and effect, how did Dante come to this conclusion, and how did it effect him. I liked the placement of this fact very much (as it was at the end of the post, which made it more consequential) however executing purpose is important to keep in mind, as that is where the reader is going.

Dante's pistol arm returned the weapon to its holster, partially contemplating how he was going to win this match without actually killing the guy.

How faithless.

That... it couldn't have been the nephilim's inner voice. Or rather, the voice that actually reflected his being.

I liked right here for story purposes too, Dante’s morals compromise his conviction and it is revealed he is forced to choose between morality (his ideals) and his motivation (his drive).

For a moment, Wakka's eyes widened at the prospect of what might ensure. With Dante's signature grin smacked right back on his face, both fighters squared off as the half-devil began twirling the blitzball in his hands. "Well, if you're so sure..." The cocky fighter mocked, sarcasm gilding his tone, "Let's see you prove it, eh?"

Dante’s character is really cool, but I felt like I only got to see his really interesting side during the last post! Keep an eye on maintaining that sort of level, and I think you will do better in the future. Characters who are relatable (even the evil ones) can be the funnest part about a story if you let them be. I know when I find a character I adore, it makes me want to read them more. Also on this note, I felt like you used Wakka’s dialogue as a nice addition to your post. You had a good balance, so I don’t want you to feel too discredited, just keep in mind consistency and balance go hand in hand..

In the future, I would want you to show a bit more of Dante a little earlier, this may be preference, but a reader will always feel more from the story when they feel connected to the character, even when its an antagonist’s lens.

Only in the last two posts did I get a good idea of who Dante was and what he was fighting for. I appreciated his inclusion of morals, and felt at times, you did very well describing him and his actions. Accentuate those and make them more consistent, and I think you'll see a big difference on how distinguished your character is during the fight.

Story: 2.5
For me, the story picked up during your second and third posts, but there wasn’t much of a dramatic plot in the first round. To tie it in better next time, you could include a character fault, or touch on something that the settings elicit in the character or possible rebellion/retaliation for being placed in the tournament. I would have liked to see a little hinting/foreshadowing of the below a bit sooner, as it is your last post and its inclusion seems a bit ‘last minute’ to me.

Not gonna kill him, the nephilim chanted the mantra in his mind, more in defiance than reassurance.

No, wait, that was a good point. Actually defeating Wakka, have him lose the match by being unable to fight. Then, it was time to prove if the athlete truly poured all his faith into his blitzball...

As Dante rolled the idea over in his brain, the Besaid man painfully staggered onto the platform where his weapon laid. With a heave of his burning muscles, he leaned over to reclaim the ball, turning to face his approaching opponent. With a new note of determination sparking in his voice, Dante taunted, "Still trying to use a ball as a weapon? Dude, you could at least slap some spikes on it."

The above was really impacting to the plot that Dante’s malicious intent was quite awesome.

Lungs straining against their broken cage, he took a gulp of air and then released it, gritting through the unbearable burning pain in his lower body. Wakka wasn't even sure if he could kick the ball proper with those scorched legs, but the Aurochs would be damned if he didn't try.

This was a great ending.

Lastly, I did like your story, however I felt like it depended on Wakka's input a lot. Create your own in the process. I also could have felt like this section was a tad weaker because of its gradual and "slow to fruition" approach. Three posts are a short time, and I think I prefer to see a lot/a good balance of action and drama. Extra malice, hissing through your teeth, that kind of thing. Consistency is important in this category, and I always try to weigh it into my judging, because story is what keeps the reader reading. In the future, you can help promote story by centering it around your character, or their motivation. As I felt like you were very strong in that category.

Grammar and Spelling: 2.5

part: fighting

the “F” could be capitalized. But I will say I really liked the sentenced this was used in.

Ultimately, the armory wasn't worth it; he'd forge his own path to victory.

A semi colon did not seem like the correct punctuation, I think what would have worked a bit better was a hyphen.

It reminded him of one of the first hells he visited, a white void like the Nexus with many stone chunks to walk on - and very little else.

This may be just preference, however I didn’t feel like the hyphen above was only partially fitting. I won’t be taking points off of this, but it might have had a cooler effect if you used “...” as it adds a little drama to the drawing of the sentence. Also, try an extended hyphen, and while my own keyboard doesn’t have it until I go find it on some long errand, I still feel the way it looks is more fitting when used in sentences. The half-hyphen helps align words.

Wakka had to think fast. His blitzball wasn't proving as effects as he had hoped this time,

Effective, or “wasn’t proving to have the effects he had hoped this time” either or would fit a bit better, but it seemed like a really small mistake, so don’t worry too much over it.

The lump in Wakka's throat instantly migrated to his heart. Left toppling on his misplaced center of gravity, he paddled through the air in panic to reclaim his footing- physics soon claimed him, however, and the poor man began to drop.

The hyphen seemed off to me, instead of using that, sometimes instead, a word will add to the finality of the end of the climatic sentence.

Wakka glanced around on the platform he had landed on: small and circular, but large enough to hold him and- a freaking artillery cannon.

I thought that the use of a colon to separate the fact was a bit unnecessary, as you could say “it was small and circular, but large enough to hold him, and a freaking artillery canon.” Though I do recognize stylistic choice.

No, this isn't a dependence, the ex-Yevoner insisted for himself, this is emergency. I just need this now; just now-

just be careful because we want the thoughts to be consistent. A bit earlier, the thoughts were in quotation marks and italics.

The 'dynamite kid' had synced with the half-devil so well in their determination and imperfections; before Dante now lay just an athlete with his favorite ball.

the second half of the sentence is mixed up because of the extra word “before” and its placement which strains the sentence.

Ever the one to shake things things up, Dante received the blow head-on - or chest-on, as it were. He only recoiled back to dampen the shock (so that not all of his own ribs would break), but it was still quite clear the intention: catch the ball.

A lot is going on here. After head-on, there should be a comma instead, “as it were” seems a bit out of place, but only tagged there for narration. The next has parenthesis, but I din’t really feel the placement was 100% necessary. Instead, you could have rephrased it. Lastly, “catch the ball” was an independent clause, so you should capitalize it, I also believe it has a stronger, more bold effect that way.


Total score: 14.5


Wakka


Description and Clarity: 4
Nice inclusion of the setting in your first paragraph, your word choice really elicited some potent imagery in me.

He swiped it through the blitzballer’s platform, but failed to draw blood; Wakka backflipped, and receded to a rhombus-shaped platform.

This small fragment had some very nice consequence, and served a good purpose to recap before Wakka got the chance to rebound in the action.

This man was deadly serious. He emerged from one of the shelter’s halves, and glared towards the blitzballer. “Wanna try that again?” he said, throwing his sword over his shoulder.

Watch the pronouns, it was pretty early in the fight, and I still had to make sure I knew who you meant by this. Both opponents are male, so it isn’t quite as easy to make the characters distinguished by “he” or “she.”

(as of now) wielded a broadsword,

Be careful of placement of parenthesis. While they help for clarity, they can occasionally staunch the flow of a sentence.

He overhand pitched his ball, intending to jar free the sword from Dante’s (if Wakka heard the pre-fight announcement correctly) grasp.

Informative.

He rolled his blitzball down from the cradle of his arm, palming it in his right hand as he shot his eyes towards to his adversary’s hand. It worked last fight.

Nicely put, and very concise.

Dante got the hell out of dodge. He escaped to a nearby platform—crashing and rolling from one end of it to the other—just before the plasma beams turned his prior one into a rendition of swiss cheese. Bullets followed his evacuation, dotting his crimson coat with cigarette-sized holes as it wrestled with the air. Wakka kept firing away. His entire being rattled with the constant recoil of the turret, but he guided his shots best he could. Soon as Dante made it to his new platform, the blitzballer was already grating the end of it with a sleet of green.

Your attention to detail stunned me here.

He slumped his shoulders in defeat; all his opponent had to do was fire off a few more rounds from his pistol (three or four could dig Wakka’s grave).

This information was very cool, and nicely phrased, however just take your time with it, and select when you want to use parenthesis sparingly.

Throughout the battle, your movements were very clear. In the future, I highly promote a bit more improvised actions, such as throwing sand in someone's face. I really enjoyed how you did mention the setting a few times, (both of the contestants) and felt like these extra details made it more realistic to imagine.

Voice: 4

By now, if Wakka still harbored hope of a Blitzball match then he was a fool. A damned fool.

Your style as Wakka is wonderful. You kept this sentence brief yet I felt the character’s motive. I liked the simplicity of your writing throughout the post, but you still kept it at a good level of excellence that made the elaborateness subtle and not difficult to read.

It failed miserably. Dante took his sword and smacked the Blitzball away like a pestering fly. It darted back towards Wakka, and hit him right in the chest, sending his ass into the steel under him with a clang and thud. The bliztball sunk his head between his legs, and gasped for air.

This action was vivid and the sentence was nicely written.

Wakka took to the turret like a soldier providing retreat fire. He grabbed each handle of the mounted gun, swiveling the gun over to Dante, and pressed his thumbs down on the buttons conveniently placed at the top of each handle. Elongated ovals of green energy shot from the gun’s barrel in rapid succession, pewing as they darted towards the white-haired man.

Dante’s eyes shot open. He murmured a word but it came out inaudible to the blitzballer, quelled by the whistling laser rounds and the buzzing vibration of the turret’s handles against Wakka’s closed palms.

Your game upped from your last post, and your style is always very nice.

Your first two posts were very strong, and your last one came off a bit weaker than your previous posts at least until the final line, strive to keep that consistency, because your style really is unique to you.

Character: 2

that was Tidus’ realm. If only Tidus were here. He could pull of one of those one-legged, spin-around kicks, which would send the blitzball flying.

Mention of Tidus is compelling, and makes me want to know more about Wakka. He wasn’t overtly super expressed, however I felt a lot of him in the voice and story, so it was harder for me to differentiate what I selected for character impacting, and plot/story and how those were delivered to effect the overall story.

In summary, I felt like Dante's description of his character was consistently more pronounced than Wakka's. I recognize this quality in myself and I can see certain ways it is easier to demonstrate another character's actions than focus on your own, (it can also help plot, so it isn't like I'm against it) however, I wanted to know more about Wakka, and while his vocalization was very strong, the information was subtle and came off as a bit vague to me.

Keep in mind, I did put some of Wakka's motivations under "story" which is where I feel it rightfully belongs. In the future, just focus on pronouncing Wakka's personality, and I think the reader will get a better sense of his character.

Story: 4

Baron Victor von Magnus—a burly man, aged like fine wine—appeared to be a man worth meeting, if Wakka could survive the tournament. Step Two of that process began now.

This was nicely put, but I also liked the inclusion of “step two” which sounded intriguing, and snatched my attention. I was curious and asked myself, “What process?”

Wakka felt the killing blow hovering over his body, sweeping down to split him in two. But this was not the end. Not this early.

“killing blow” was appreciated in the vocabulary, however I placed this excerpt in this category, because even though it was spoken so directly, I felt the vague sense of Wakka’s will in the outwardness that the sentence used. I liked how he still continues to fight as well.

May Yevon forgive him, for he had sinned. All of his beliefs denounced Machina use (even his brother died after folding under temptation), but it was necessary.

This enhanced the plot and read for me.

AHHH!” Wakka roared as he struggled to guide the gun’s aim. His arms shook with each kickback of the turret.

He finally felt the power of Machina, and it was real. He could hardly maintain his control of the weapon. It shot wildly into the air—the green beams evaporated upon contact with the virtual ceiling—until he coralled it, and brought its focus to where it was intended.

This part was very compelling.

The first shot ricocheted off of the face of the turret, and flew off into the distance.

The second shot must have been guided by Luke Skywalker himself; it drove down the barrel of the turret, and lodged into the back of it.

Wake had no time to react. The turret exploded into a spectacle of green and red, and sent him flying. He finally came to a landing, slamming against the surface of another platform, two-handful of yards away. He grimaced, and reached for his side. Broken ribs? Possibly. Definitely felt like something was broken; pain grabbed him under his arm, and squeezed away at his lung.

This part really enhanced the sense of desperation I got from Wakka.

His lungs had no problem gulping down air, but once they filled to a certain capacity it felt like a pair of pliers pinching at his side; his chest trembled with every breath he drew. Saying it hurt would be an understatement. The pain squeezed him so viciously that the discomfort in his achilles all but evaporated. Same with the hole in his shoulder. He firmly rested his hand over his side, and felt around. A rib was definitely cracked, probably three.

During this part ANYONE could feel the desperation, and though “a rib” could be changed to “at least one rib” I was still in favor of the word selection you used.

He slumped his shoulders in defeat; all his opponent had to do was fire off a few more rounds from his pistol (three or four could dig Wakka’s grave). In his current condition—swelling ribs, sizzled chest, injured achilles, punctured shoulder—he was in no condition to continue fighting. And without his ball, he had no means to defend himself. The only option available was to become another spectator in the coliseum, and watch Dante’s next move.

The crowd burst into a roar, and chants of “kill him, hill him!” emitted from various pockets of the area.

The platform that levitated under him was now behind him, and the only thing keeping him from descending into the pit of chemicals below was his own will to execute the trick shot.

This was a nice spot to end it at. I liked the cliffhanger.


Overall, in this category you did very well. During the last post, I felt a bit of wavering on the strength, but I can see how that can happen when so long has passed from the original date. My suggestion, stay strong, and keep in mind the final post (and opening), is often the most remembered by the reader.

Grammar and Spelling: 3.5

Wakka smirked. “Why not, ya?”

Comma instead, also, I wasn’t sure if you were slanging “you” or “yeah” but I didn’t really mind as the dialogue was gradually growing to engage the reader.

In any other circumstance, he would have forfeited (bloodlust was not a hobby of his), these circumstances were different; he needed information.

I’m not a big fan of parenthesis being used in the same sentence as a semi colon try “as” just before bloodlust, or try to accentuate the second “half” more to avoid the semi colon.

Step Two

Well, this wasn’t a necessity, but I would have liked to see italics used instead of a capital T.

“I told you no more fooling around,”

This is preference, but I think a comma after “I told you” might enhance the way it was said/spoken and the way that came across to the reader.

No wonder he caught da ball,” Wakka thought, can’t get no umph behind it.

Misplaced quote, or you missed two. Missed should also be capitalized.

The blitzballer gritted his teeth; now he was being toyed with

Not sure that semi colon was super necessary, but it didn’t take from the sentence’s overall effect on the reader.

one-ina-million trick shot,

Jus’ separate the slang, yo’ (In-a).

Total Score: 17.5 x .667 = 11. 67

The Winner is Dante!