11-08-2015, 12:01 AM
[spoiler]Kakashi Post 1
Oh shit that thing is porcelain. “Visage,” be careful of it, it’s really over-used. I do the same thing.
I think you set up this scene well.
I like that you acknowledged the crowd. I am unsold on the thing that was yelled, but I’m glad somebody was yelling something.
Good characterization of Strazio with his irritation.
“This should be interesting.” How did this exposition add to your narrative? I think it adds a little bit of voice, but I think that generalized “inner monologue” things usually detract. The only reason I’m on the fence about it is because it’s very “anime,” which is where your character originates from, which adds to characterization? I’m torn.
I like that Kakashi noticed his opponent’s lack of weapons and what that implies.
The characterization of a trained, killer ninja is carried through how he’s thinking about tactics and noticing things about his opponent is great.
“A tower shield adorn with what appeared” typo
Again, part of the anime style, but you’re telling us a lot about what’s happening through exposition instead of showing us what’s happening through the story. It’s certainly not awful yet, but trading exposition for movement that describes what a character is feeling might be a good way to move.
Good characterization of Straz with his yelling.
I like the way you sold that jutsu. Momentarily changing the perspective to Strazio came off really naturally and smoothly, and it allowed the reader to share in the surprise. Good movement, good action.
I feel like a lot of the tension and waiting paid off in this round, because even though the move was simple it felt important.
Strazio Post 1
THANK YOU for just starting the post moving forward, and not back-tracking.
Nice use of “gore” with the teeth. I can FEEL that haha
“Strazio did the only thing he could do, he spat.”
Might be better as:
“Strazio did the only thing he could do: He spat.” Or something similar. It just read kinda weird.
Watch dat word repetition.
I really like the delivery and effect of the blood/spit explosion.
I feel like the pacing of that paragraph was weird, I had to re-read it a few times to get what was being said. It may just be my style to have longer sentences, but that rapid-fire of short sentences really threw me off.
I love that Strazio is just a BALL OF IRRITATION. Good character development paragraph.
Little paragraph typo there.
I like all these little details that you’re throwing in. I can really see the scene and how the character is moving.
I LOVE that you jacked up his speech because he’s missing teeth.
“Fusillade,” good word.
I really like that you aren’t afraid to show your character being “weak.” I like that he’s getting pissed that he can’t find him, I like that Kakashi is getting in attacks. It’s dynamic. It’s enjoyable to read.
Not knowing exactly what Strazio’s powers are, that part with him exploding into fireflies was really cool. You sold it well.
Kakashi Post 2
I like the intent of what you’re doing with the first 2 sentences, but there really can be too much verbosity. You lose the meaning and depth of what the scene is when I’m stumbling over a wall of words. Like, awesome vocabulary, but don’t dump it on us all at once or it gets bewildering. It took me a few reads of this paragraph to fully grasp what was going on.
That expository paragraph didn’t slow us down too much and it gave a little insight into Kakashi’s headspace, so I’d say it’s a good one.
“The mage, however, had sustain a good” lil typo
I like the description of things in this section.
“sorcerer savagely stalked” love that alliteration
I find it funny that the pacing of each of your posts are so different. Your scenes are so “anime”, in a good way, while Strazio’s follow a more traditional writing format. I like that. Strong Voice.
The scene where Straz is looking for clones, but there are non. Oh my goodness, humor. Amazing. I love that. It seems like a loyal depiction of Strazio too.
BROKEN MASK.
Strazio Post 2
The intro is really getting me amped
“Another liter of flowed from his gut” lil typo
Dear god it’s the 2nd round and Straz is already hemorrhaging to death. GOOD STUFF.
Might have broken that paragraph after Kakashi rolled away.
Ah, cool, that’s how he stops himself from bleeding to death. Dig it.
Weird paragraph spacing, but whatever.
I like that exposition.
Good action, nice back and forth.
Using the environment. Woo!
Kakashi Post 3
Solid opening.
Watch word repetition. “many years since he truly had any such a feeling. He had vowed to kill off emotion years ago”
Nice comparison to a weapon in his hand
I like it that he can’t tell exactly what’s wrong with him. I think the bone shield metaphor is really on-point, but the execution could have come through a little better with a little more time. It feels tacked on as it is.
I like that you went with a sludgy lower level.
I feel like all of that exposition just really cut us off of a really high-tension moment, and it sort of killed the momentum. The following action picked the pace back up again, but I feel like you just hit pause in the middle of an action scene.
I like that the cudgel came back around.
Strazio Post 3
Fucking awesome intro. The repetition of “reprieve” was intentional and well used here. Good exposition.
Dramatic “tearing-off-my-shirt scene” is a go. A+
It’s a slow paced scene, but it’s got a lot of tension, so it FEELS like it’s moving forward. The information you provide feels pertinent, not information I would have gleaned on my own, or it at least provides details to things I’m already imagining. It slows the reader down, but it doesn’t weigh down the scene with superfluous info or redundant info that we’ve already figured out.
I actually really like that it’s devolved into a mud-wrestling match. It’s sloppy and desperate. I love it.
Really good ending. I like that Strazio is in a totally desperate position, with half an ace up his sleeve.[/spoiler]
Kakashi
Description & Clarity: 3
Really good stuff. You got pretty flowery in certain points, which made it easy to trip over huge word after huge word. Stringign together a few larger terms in a loquacious sentence can be done, but it has to be done carefully and with flourish. I feel that, at times, you were just beating us over the head with a thesaurus. Again though, overall, very very very good stuff. I was impressed.
Voice: 3
The “overdub” of exposition added to your Voice at times, and the calm, collected nature of your narrative added to the characterization also. I think taking a bit of time to really master tension and a more ethereal feeling to your writing; pauses, slowing things down, adding more smoke and mystery to your sentence structure, would really hammer home your ninja character’s ideals and style, though.
Character: 3
You handled both characters on the page very well! You wrote their actions and their reactions with an honest and straightforward approach, even involving humor when appropriate. I think one area you need to work on is your dialogue. It felt a bit forced at certain points. They just didn’t sounds like things that a person would say.
Story: 2.5
Those expositional pauses are what hurt your score the most here. The rest of the story was really fun, especially in the first post. After that, I almost felt like you were playing catch up, taking all of your posts to respond to Strazio’s action as opposed to really branching out and making your own. Again, I think that you would have had more room to move forward if you would cut back on the exposition. A little bit offers insight, but too much just bogs things down and prevents the story from moving forward.
Fun fact: the original reason that there was so much “down time” in anime (and why there still is today) was to cut down on production costs. It was cheap. The more pausing meant that there was less frames that had to be drawn. The more inner monologue, the less movement on the screen. It became a part of the style, and now it can be used to great effect in certain shows. And yes, you CAN use that style in your posts, but don’t be CHEAP with your words. Trim the fat, and give us only the prime cut.
Grammar: 3
A few typos I pointed out above, and a few weird formatting choices throughout. Just proofread, and make sure that your punctuation supports the flow of the sentence. IT’s all the reader has to go off of.
Total: 14.5
Description & Clarity: 3.5
You were really knocking it out of the park there were certain parts that sort of broke down, which you can note in my impressions log up top, which is what brought this score down. You used some good vocab without weighing your writing down with it. Good work.
Voice: 3
Your storytelling voice keep good pace with the action and drama, and helps us understand your character pretty well. I think it could use a little bit more emphasis, as at some points it seemed to fall a little flash when I was looking of a crescendo.
Character: 3
You hammered down Strazio’s big, anger attitude in most of your posts. Very good characterization captured through movement, a little bit of introspection, and action. You did Kakashi justice also. I would perhaps try to fit in the LITTLE details about the character. Small details, little movements, personal tics, that kind of thing. It really brings a character to life when you zoom in on the small stuff.
Story: 3.5
You kept the story moving, and everything felt important. You didn’t backtrack unnecessarily, and the one time you did I barely noticed because you made it full of new, interesting info and action. You maintained a good sense of drama without slowing down your action.
I liked the way you used simple elements to great effect, but with all the crazy stuff on the field, maybe a few more creative solutions to problems would have spiced things up. Good use of the sludge with the mud-fight.
Grammar: 3
There were a few major issues in the writing, mainly typos and the like, but also your wild inconsistency with paragraph spacing and indentation didn’t help you out here, either. Just try to keep it consistent, whatever you choose to do.
Total: 16
Very close fight, and I don’t usually mess with decimals, but you both inspired me to give you extra .5’s on your scores. You’re both really really good writers, and I’d be honored to write with you one day.
Oh shit that thing is porcelain. “Visage,” be careful of it, it’s really over-used. I do the same thing.
I think you set up this scene well.
I like that you acknowledged the crowd. I am unsold on the thing that was yelled, but I’m glad somebody was yelling something.
Good characterization of Strazio with his irritation.
“This should be interesting.” How did this exposition add to your narrative? I think it adds a little bit of voice, but I think that generalized “inner monologue” things usually detract. The only reason I’m on the fence about it is because it’s very “anime,” which is where your character originates from, which adds to characterization? I’m torn.
I like that Kakashi noticed his opponent’s lack of weapons and what that implies.
The characterization of a trained, killer ninja is carried through how he’s thinking about tactics and noticing things about his opponent is great.
“A tower shield adorn with what appeared” typo
Again, part of the anime style, but you’re telling us a lot about what’s happening through exposition instead of showing us what’s happening through the story. It’s certainly not awful yet, but trading exposition for movement that describes what a character is feeling might be a good way to move.
Good characterization of Straz with his yelling.
I like the way you sold that jutsu. Momentarily changing the perspective to Strazio came off really naturally and smoothly, and it allowed the reader to share in the surprise. Good movement, good action.
I feel like a lot of the tension and waiting paid off in this round, because even though the move was simple it felt important.
Strazio Post 1
THANK YOU for just starting the post moving forward, and not back-tracking.
Nice use of “gore” with the teeth. I can FEEL that haha
“Strazio did the only thing he could do, he spat.”
Might be better as:
“Strazio did the only thing he could do: He spat.” Or something similar. It just read kinda weird.
Watch dat word repetition.
I really like the delivery and effect of the blood/spit explosion.
I feel like the pacing of that paragraph was weird, I had to re-read it a few times to get what was being said. It may just be my style to have longer sentences, but that rapid-fire of short sentences really threw me off.
I love that Strazio is just a BALL OF IRRITATION. Good character development paragraph.
Little paragraph typo there.
I like all these little details that you’re throwing in. I can really see the scene and how the character is moving.
I LOVE that you jacked up his speech because he’s missing teeth.
“Fusillade,” good word.
I really like that you aren’t afraid to show your character being “weak.” I like that he’s getting pissed that he can’t find him, I like that Kakashi is getting in attacks. It’s dynamic. It’s enjoyable to read.
Not knowing exactly what Strazio’s powers are, that part with him exploding into fireflies was really cool. You sold it well.
Kakashi Post 2
I like the intent of what you’re doing with the first 2 sentences, but there really can be too much verbosity. You lose the meaning and depth of what the scene is when I’m stumbling over a wall of words. Like, awesome vocabulary, but don’t dump it on us all at once or it gets bewildering. It took me a few reads of this paragraph to fully grasp what was going on.
That expository paragraph didn’t slow us down too much and it gave a little insight into Kakashi’s headspace, so I’d say it’s a good one.
“The mage, however, had sustain a good” lil typo
I like the description of things in this section.
“sorcerer savagely stalked” love that alliteration
I find it funny that the pacing of each of your posts are so different. Your scenes are so “anime”, in a good way, while Strazio’s follow a more traditional writing format. I like that. Strong Voice.
The scene where Straz is looking for clones, but there are non. Oh my goodness, humor. Amazing. I love that. It seems like a loyal depiction of Strazio too.
BROKEN MASK.
Strazio Post 2
The intro is really getting me amped
“Another liter of flowed from his gut” lil typo
Dear god it’s the 2nd round and Straz is already hemorrhaging to death. GOOD STUFF.
Might have broken that paragraph after Kakashi rolled away.
Ah, cool, that’s how he stops himself from bleeding to death. Dig it.
Weird paragraph spacing, but whatever.
I like that exposition.
Good action, nice back and forth.
Using the environment. Woo!
Kakashi Post 3
Solid opening.
Watch word repetition. “many years since he truly had any such a feeling. He had vowed to kill off emotion years ago”
Nice comparison to a weapon in his hand
I like it that he can’t tell exactly what’s wrong with him. I think the bone shield metaphor is really on-point, but the execution could have come through a little better with a little more time. It feels tacked on as it is.
I like that you went with a sludgy lower level.
I feel like all of that exposition just really cut us off of a really high-tension moment, and it sort of killed the momentum. The following action picked the pace back up again, but I feel like you just hit pause in the middle of an action scene.
I like that the cudgel came back around.
Strazio Post 3
Fucking awesome intro. The repetition of “reprieve” was intentional and well used here. Good exposition.
Dramatic “tearing-off-my-shirt scene” is a go. A+
It’s a slow paced scene, but it’s got a lot of tension, so it FEELS like it’s moving forward. The information you provide feels pertinent, not information I would have gleaned on my own, or it at least provides details to things I’m already imagining. It slows the reader down, but it doesn’t weigh down the scene with superfluous info or redundant info that we’ve already figured out.
I actually really like that it’s devolved into a mud-wrestling match. It’s sloppy and desperate. I love it.
Really good ending. I like that Strazio is in a totally desperate position, with half an ace up his sleeve.[/spoiler]
Kakashi
Description & Clarity: 3
Really good stuff. You got pretty flowery in certain points, which made it easy to trip over huge word after huge word. Stringign together a few larger terms in a loquacious sentence can be done, but it has to be done carefully and with flourish. I feel that, at times, you were just beating us over the head with a thesaurus. Again though, overall, very very very good stuff. I was impressed.
Voice: 3
The “overdub” of exposition added to your Voice at times, and the calm, collected nature of your narrative added to the characterization also. I think taking a bit of time to really master tension and a more ethereal feeling to your writing; pauses, slowing things down, adding more smoke and mystery to your sentence structure, would really hammer home your ninja character’s ideals and style, though.
Character: 3
You handled both characters on the page very well! You wrote their actions and their reactions with an honest and straightforward approach, even involving humor when appropriate. I think one area you need to work on is your dialogue. It felt a bit forced at certain points. They just didn’t sounds like things that a person would say.
Story: 2.5
Those expositional pauses are what hurt your score the most here. The rest of the story was really fun, especially in the first post. After that, I almost felt like you were playing catch up, taking all of your posts to respond to Strazio’s action as opposed to really branching out and making your own. Again, I think that you would have had more room to move forward if you would cut back on the exposition. A little bit offers insight, but too much just bogs things down and prevents the story from moving forward.
Fun fact: the original reason that there was so much “down time” in anime (and why there still is today) was to cut down on production costs. It was cheap. The more pausing meant that there was less frames that had to be drawn. The more inner monologue, the less movement on the screen. It became a part of the style, and now it can be used to great effect in certain shows. And yes, you CAN use that style in your posts, but don’t be CHEAP with your words. Trim the fat, and give us only the prime cut.
Grammar: 3
A few typos I pointed out above, and a few weird formatting choices throughout. Just proofread, and make sure that your punctuation supports the flow of the sentence. IT’s all the reader has to go off of.
Total: 14.5
Description & Clarity: 3.5
You were really knocking it out of the park there were certain parts that sort of broke down, which you can note in my impressions log up top, which is what brought this score down. You used some good vocab without weighing your writing down with it. Good work.
Voice: 3
Your storytelling voice keep good pace with the action and drama, and helps us understand your character pretty well. I think it could use a little bit more emphasis, as at some points it seemed to fall a little flash when I was looking of a crescendo.
Character: 3
You hammered down Strazio’s big, anger attitude in most of your posts. Very good characterization captured through movement, a little bit of introspection, and action. You did Kakashi justice also. I would perhaps try to fit in the LITTLE details about the character. Small details, little movements, personal tics, that kind of thing. It really brings a character to life when you zoom in on the small stuff.
Story: 3.5
You kept the story moving, and everything felt important. You didn’t backtrack unnecessarily, and the one time you did I barely noticed because you made it full of new, interesting info and action. You maintained a good sense of drama without slowing down your action.
I liked the way you used simple elements to great effect, but with all the crazy stuff on the field, maybe a few more creative solutions to problems would have spiced things up. Good use of the sludge with the mud-fight.
Grammar: 3
There were a few major issues in the writing, mainly typos and the like, but also your wild inconsistency with paragraph spacing and indentation didn’t help you out here, either. Just try to keep it consistent, whatever you choose to do.
Total: 16
Very close fight, and I don’t usually mess with decimals, but you both inspired me to give you extra .5’s on your scores. You’re both really really good writers, and I’d be honored to write with you one day.
WINNER: STRAZIO ROCKWELL
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.