Secondary Saga Reviews

[Gildarts]

I would like both halves of phase five to be analyzed a little more in depth, particularly the first half. I struggled trying to come up with ways to make Richtofen's interactions believable. In the second half, I thought that the post was pretty strong but that maybe there was something I was missing.

Sure thing.

The first recap you posted was super creative, and set a good, adventure/action hook onto the reader. It had a good impact, and surged life into the post. The placement was cool, the references and allusions were fun, and it had a great upbeat voice to it, despite the darker and more intricate content.

During this round, I actually found your grammar to be pretty well taken care of, I personally found the majority of it clear, but I think even professionals have to give a little thought to it now and again. For the future, I would suggest not underlining something, because that can take away from the story, and mix up the reader's "path" as they are flowing from sentence to sentence.

The second recap established a good interaction with your character and the group. Crow and the Captain's interaction seemed a bit small, but it was all in good taste. I liked the dynamic and felt you kept it short and sweet.

Next came the reflection, which gave a good sliver of insight on Richto before delving into his deeper, haunting self.

The ending, I felt of your first post could have been a bit stronger, but I assume it was because of the format you had used, as we all had to put our memories and recaps at the beginning of the post, and stick to a bit of a guideline in that sense (else you can imagine the group going a bit too nostalgic) rather than giving the primary focus on the following...

Richto's distinguishable voice was emphasized especially well in the second post of this round. It was amusing, quirky, and kept a good pace. You kept some action, some struggle, and a good amount of focus on what was relevant, and interesting for the reader to imagine. I never felt bored, nor a lack of "drama" and I think that that is a personal skill that you display through your writing, rather than just focused on by Richto's cool character.

You had some short quips, some long floods of good detail, and I think overall you just had some decent content that gave great interest to what Richto could bring in the future. The second post was certainly much stronger than the first, however I think it was because of the good set up and foundation.

....I am going to assume that my overall problem across the board for the entire saga was my Grammar. I would like tips on how to better myself in that field. If there are any other like, very noticeable problems, I would like them addressed as well. I'll take care of my own nitpicking, primarily to save you and any other reviewers grief xD

I would have to agree with both your assumptions on grammar and cohesion. As for grammar, I think some of the parts that makes your voice a bit more lively actually has to do with some of the consistent inconsistencies you made. I think during the course of the saga, you really found a way past some of the problems, and during your fight post there wasn't a lot of grammatical errors, if I were to suggest anything, and this is the major thing, it would be to watch the quotes and italics. Font color is great at an easy glance, but don't you want the reader to feel in depth, and hear your character's voice in their mind?

Quoting and italics as well as formatting and separation do play into this as well. Focus can be detached from the essence of the words, when you have certain parts of the story

go
like
this

rather than doing something. like. this. Impact is something that is taken with these tools, and I think with quotes you even grew to use a bit better in your time interacting with the other writers. Overall, your progress really showed itself in every category, and growth and interest as well as potential helped secure you a spot.

As for tips, I recently read something sent to me from Strazio, it was about framing facts (and I suppose quotes too). If your character doesn't talk all that much, you'll probably have more of a build up to what they are saying. Example:

Tom rarely spoke, it was seen as an honorable trait by his people and his charisma often showed itself in his silence. When Rain questioned his authority in front of the entire room, he paused, powerfully. Doubt seeped into the accusation, warranting it as a desperate plea for attention, while Tom remained composed but fully aware of his audience. He spoke, "Only when one feels small, do they address their pain so largely, it is in this way that they often miss their own point."

While this may be a weird example, it gives impact to the sentence, and it gives unspoken details about Tom, who respectfully tells Rain to back the fuck off.

Another frame, to someone who is loquacious might be using a different tone, or saying something a bit off-key to their character style, to gain reverence. Ex:

Rain's eyes grazed the room, the soldier seemed mortified of the dead and found herself babbling to one of the nurses about the state-issued footwear problems, rather than addressing the problem at hand. Suddenly the lively girl turned, and her eyes held on the nurse's who seemed to be much more somber than the fearful private. Rain stopped herself, "You must've seen death a million times."

The nurse calmly nodded as she neared a large crib, "Life is taken, but also given."

....

Experimenting with things like that might be hard at first, but a little diversity can really help a writer grow.

I also feel as though my cohesiveness with the group storywise was not what it could have been. While some of this was character choice, I still felt as though it was not completely what it could have/should have been. Advice on that matter would also be appreciated.

Aside from this, anything really is appreciated. I'm sure there are some things that you noticed that I didn't.

As for cohesiveness, I can see what you are saying, as Richto is a bit of a zany character, but I felt like it gave him a niche. Sometimes thoughts or a few flashbacks may have seemed a tad jumbled, but I felt they were more of an asset to separating Richto as an individual than hurting his survival chances. Overall, in the future, to keep a story concise usually helps to effect the impact. To do/establish this a bit stronger, I suggest what I said above which was just to frame it, or elaborate on when /where type questions. Details are important!

Any other things: I have written after phase 5 that you progressed a huge amount on grammar and while the competition was steeper in the void, you managed to stay on par.

Good work, and I hope to read more from you soon.