Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Jak Mar v Dante
Ok folks, this is gonna be the raw scores so that I can get the post OUT. I have read and really mulled over the fight, but have yet to have the time to really give some great C&C.

I will post in the thread to inform you when the card is filled out with your C&C!!

Thank you for your continued patience.


Jak Mar

Description & Clarity: 1
Before I start out: needing improvement in this category doesn’t mean you did everything wrong. Far from it. You have a LOT of strong foundational skills in your writing that other members could really learn from and admire. There are places that you definitely need to improve, but as person that’s still revving up and learning the craft, you have a lot of the ground-floor skills handled.

First off: your use of “Show, don’t tell,” is better than a lot of the people who won their fights in the first round. You don’t cram exposition down our throats, and you aren’t tell us what we should feel or think about the character. You’re using character action and description to tell us how the character feels. KEEP DOING THIS. In fact do it some more. I would challenge yourself with this think that Strazio posted:

Here is an excerpt from one of Chuck Palahniuk's essays that really helped me improve.

In six seconds, you’ll hate me.

But in six months, you’ll be a better writer.

From this point forward – at least for the next half year – you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use.

The list should also include: Loves and Hates.

And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those, later.

Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…”

Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.”

Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.

Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating.

This challenge will ROCKET you above the competition. Do it. I challenge you to do it, formally. I’ll be watching, so let me know when there’s a post out you want me to look at.

Here’s something you can improve on that will bump this grade up at least one grade: WORD REPETITION. You repeat your words very, very heavily. Get either a physical or a digital thesaurus open and USE IT. When you repeat words, it comes across as stumbling and difficult to read. If you change up your word choice, you will definitely move ahead a TON.

Additionally, think of ways to write around outright naming a character who is taking action. You said “Jak,” a TON in your post. Think of some fun pseudonyms for him! You can even use a short and sweet description of your character to refer to him, or if you’re exclusively speaking about Jak in a paragraph, you can just swap in “he” on a lot of occasions. It’ll make the read a lot smoother.

... ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!! cried Dark Jak in a loud, echoing scream.

Avoid these kind of protracted onomatopoeias in your posts. Instead, when possible, describe the sound without outright spelling it out.

Voice: 2
I definitely knew it was you when I was reading this! There are a lot of aspects about your writing that, if improved, will automatically pull this category up. Improve your use of a thesaurus, focus on creating a solid character with unique word choice, and remember to do your sensation writing and this section will be improved.

Character: 2
I think your characterization of Jak is pretty good, man! I really enjoyed a lot of the moments where you took the opportunity to show us who he really was.

This was one of my more favorite “Jak Moments” in your second post:

Jak turned to Dante and frowned “I might not be who you think I am, pal.” The eco warrior felt his anger growing and the crowd gasped, some knew what Jak’s secret was but wasn’t willing to reveal it.

“Honestly, if you wanted a fair fight, I’d BE HAPPY TO OBLIGE! “

Dante seemed to be lifting a strange sword with a gruesome display of a ribcage and a skull on the sword and this didn’t… seem to unnerve Jak at all, instead it motivated Jak.[/quote]
You dealt with a little bit of his history, you SHOWED us a glimpse of his personality without having to tell us what it was or what it meant. More like this! Good work.

You’re doing a good job of showing and not telling us a ton about Jak, and I really, really, really, like that. It shows that you know what to do, and you have a fantastic foundation to grow on. Keep up with that.

I think that the only thing that’s holding you down right now is thinking about your character in more dimensions. What about his daily life? What about the small things? Little details about who and what the character is will help you bring this a lot further up.

This will definitely be a strong point of yours as you keep writing. I am really excited to see how you develop this part of your writing.

Story: 2
I enjoyed your transformation, and you managed to keep the fight fairly dynamic. I think that if there had been more more use of the terrain and a more dynamic use of both your and Dante’s powers, you could have bumped this up more.

Like, think about the moment when Jak kicked the Sand into Dante’s face. What could he have done with his guns or other moves? Could he have used the terrain in a creative way? Think about more than just shooting and taunting and you’ll move this category further.

Grammar: 1
I think this is one of the places you could improve most on. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just something to focus on to help you refine your craft.

You comma usage needs a bit of work. I suggest starting here and working your way out to the other Grammatical parts of your work.

The screams of each side was drowning out the gong ringing "RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNG" A hint of guilt hit him in the back of his head.

Here’s a good link on comma usage: <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/">https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/</a><!-- m -->

Also learning when and where to use double and single quotation marks would be a good place to look.

"Rebel scum..." "How dare you attack "King" Mar?"

“’Rebel scum,’ how dare you attack, ‘King’ Mar?” Would be one way you could have written that sentence.

This sentence just has a few proofreading errors that a few read-throughs might have fixed.

Just as Jak said it, a fiery flash of Dark eco blasted out of the gun ahead of him and it headed toward the "Son of Spada. "

I would generally avoid putting OOC text mid-post, as it really breaks the reader’s flow through the story.

Jak used Peacemaker
1 SP Used/ 1/10 Shots used

In the same vein, always use a preiview post so you can catch tag errors:
[quote]
731 words 3899 characters[quote]

I think if you can get those elements under control, you’ll be leaps and bounds better than where you are now.

Total: 8


Dante

Description & Clarity: 2

Voice: 2

Character: 3

Story: 2

Grammar: 2

Total: 11

WINNER: DANTE
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.