Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Yu Kanda VS Ms. Marvel

Yu Kanda

Description and Clarity: 2.5 - For the most part, You descriptions of events and characters was well rounded most of the time. I rather enjoyed the way you depicted the characters movements, reactions and thoughts.

I really enjoyed this little section, and I could really feel Kanda’s determination through your word choices.

"You may be an Avenger with strong resolve, but this will end with you and your fucked up ideals buried deep underneath this arena-floor. I am an Exorcist, we don't avenge, we're not saviors, we are -destroyers-", Kanda's voice started to roar loudly towards the masked woman, "and my body won't give in until I see both your spirit crushed and your body demolished !"

However, this isn’t to say it was perfect. You did have some rather clunky descriptions of some of these events that could be touched up and looked over again. An example of this being;

He twisted his hip, turning the blade away from her hand, spinning 360 degrees and striking the woman in her neck with the back of his blade. The attack sent her crashing down into the dirt covered arena floor.

It’s not badly worded, but it just seems rather clunky (to me at least). If I were to re-write this, I would write something like;

“Kanda twisted his hip, turning the blade away from her hand and forcing himself into a 360 spin. The Exorcist then lashed out with the back-side of his blade, striking her neck as he did so. His attack had sent his female opponent crashing into the dirt covered arena floor below them.”

Wording and minor clunkiness aside, you did well to describe the actual interactions between the two Primes. Both the physical and verbal interactions that were shared between the two characters were almost always compelling me to continue reading. But it also gave me a little more insight into what Kanda feels while he is in battle. But this is not the only thing that matters in a fight. I found myself wanting more of a description of the actual battlefield itself. Describing how the two characters react to each other is all well and good, but including reactions the the field around them is what would improve on this. It wasn’t until the last couple of posts that we saw the actual area coming into play (besides the occasional reference to debris and the spectators watching the fight).

Voice: 2 - Quite often you fell into quick pacing, rushing Kanda’s movements towards his opponent, and this is understandable as these fights are generally quick and short. But it really just rushes past a lot of chances to really get a feel for your Voice. That being said, You do manage to describe Kanda’s actions in a way that outlines his determination and perseverance, and I think this is a huge step towards developing the voice of your writing style.

Character: 3 - Kanda’s most compelling moments often happen when he is speaking. I really get a feel for who your character is through his own words. I feel the emotion in his voice when he speaks. Especially when he’s trying so hard to stay on top. On top of this, you do well in describing how Kanda feels outside of his dialogue as well. Although these points often seemed to be outnumbered, I do feel these moments are often the most compelling parts of your posts and their quality is more than enough to earn you a 3 in this category.

Unfortunately, I feel like Kanda falls into that stereotype of ‘I must win to prove that I am the best.’. This is all well and good, and can provide a lot of interesting characterization to a piece of writing. But at the same time, I think it’s overdone. Remember this, your character is your own in the Omniverse. You should try to develop Kanda beyond his original world’s beliefs and I think it would benefit you character to display how the Omniverse has changed him.

Story: 2.5 - Showing me the ways Kanda could use his sword was fantastic, but that was all he did. And, apart from the use of a super move, I feel like the story was lacking anything other than the use of his sword. I know that it’s his main weapon, but throwing in some punches and kicks, maybe even disarming him and having him need to retrieve his sword would have been nice.

Grammar & Spelling: 3 - I didn’t really see many spelling mistakes, apart from a few words that didn’t have spacing between them, but that was literally 2 or 3 instances throughout 3 posts. You did, however, have a fair amount wording that I looked over a second or third time because of missing commas. However, I feel as though this didn’t weigh your posts down as much as it could have.

Total = 13

Ms. Marvel

Description and Clarity: 2.5 - You did well to describe both the actions of Ms. Marvel and her opponent Yu Kanda. However, I feel like you tried to be a little too descriptive and diverse with your words. I often found myself looking up some of the words in your posts just to make sure they were being used in the right context. I found myself wondering if you were trying to use as many diverse words as possible. Diversity in word choice is great, but too diverse with wording and it can become hard to find clarity in it all.

I also think that you had the same problem as Yu Kanda, you both loved describing the interactions between the two combatants, but you really left me wanting to see more of the actual arena around them. You seemed to try to describe more of the arena in some of your later posts, but this was heavily outweighed for me over all.

Voice: 3 - I really got a feel for your writing style here, admittedly I felt like I was reading a sasuke post, but that’s only because I’ve known you as sasuke for such a long time (and I did not let that take away from the score at all as that was just my bias on the writer). You didn’t seem to move too fast or too slow with your writing, and I could really get a feel for how you like to write.

I know that seems like a vague way of putting things, but that’s all I can really say to describe my view on this. Sorry.

Character: 3 - This - for the most part - is pretty much the same as Kanda. Ms. Marvel’s most character building moments was her dialogue. You both seem to really like showing me how your characters feel through their literal voice. I found this part really compelling and the dialogue really made me want to continue reading. However, you did have a few parts within the non dialogue sections that were really character building. One such example being;

The space surrounding the female Avenger began to quake, distort, and pulsate as a golden aura violently lashed out, expanding in all directions, and charged the air with electric like properties that erupted with an explosion of Ms. Marvel’s intent.

This part, specifically, displayed a strength that is not usually seen within a lot of female characters. They are often seen as a supporting role and I really enjoyed seeing you bring out her strength.

Story: 2.5 - You did a lot of things well, the way you pushed your character against all of Kanda’s assaults and the way you used Ms. Marvel’s limited moveset really helped push the story along. But it was still sort of repetitive, seeing the same move over and over again. However, I didn’t let that take away much from the score.

The biggest downfall to your posts was the frequency of which I felt as though you were reiterating Kanda’s posts. Sure, it’s great to have your character’s reaction the the events that happened in the previous post, each writer has a unique way of depicting things. But, at the same time, I’ve already seen what has happened in the previous post. Recapping is good, but you should try to make this as minimal as possible, to avoid stalling within the post and to help the story progression.

Spelling & Grammar: 3 - Not too much to say about this. there were a few tough to read parts because of grammar, but nothing too major. The thing that took away from this was the frequently misspelled word ‘Colosseum’. You spelled it ‘Coliseum’ and this was present within two of your three posts. Considering the word is literally in the thread name, I’m considering this as something that could have easily been avoided, but wasn’t. On top of this, there were a few words that didn’t need to be there.

The mid-day sky, beset with an overbearing, bastard, ball of fire, cast its radiant illumination down upon the tall, sweeping archways of the coliseum.

instead of radiant Illumination, you could have just said something like ‘radiant light’. Illumination really wasn’t needed. But over all, this area was pretty good.

Total = 14

The winner is Ms. Marvel

Note: You both did a great job and I really enjoyed the fight!