10-25-2015, 01:59 PM
Round 1, Group A - Desco vs Mami Tomoe
Desco
Description & Clarity: 2
You had a lot of good word choice, and the details you showed us were good! It was easy to see how Desco was operating and moving.
Watch out for word repetition.
Also, take some time and really try to figure out your word choices in every sentence. It got a little clunky here and there.
You also did a lot of “Telling” and not enough “Showing” with your writing. You told the reader exactly what was happening and why as opposed to letting us infer it. Here’s the best example I can find:
For specifics on what to show, think about the sensory details that INFER what an action means. For example:
Voice: 2
I feel like some of your work became a bit procedural, and because of that it lacked a really vibrant personality that the reader could really pick up on. You certainly weren’t absent from your writing, but I couldn’t get a great feeling for who you or the character was either.
Finding you own, unique writing style is sometimes a matter of just doing it for a long time and refining down what you really think if great. Being critical of your work in a healthy, productive way is the best way that you can pare down and refine who and what you want to be in your writing, so I suggest you spend as much time as possible just getting comfortable with your own writing.
Character: 2
I really like the Desco character. It’s a really interesting concept, and I like where you’ve taken the character. There’s a lot of good stuff that’s built right in to her, and I think she can go really far.
However, this section isn’t really effected by how much I personally like a character concept, it’s influenced by how you take that character concept and introduce it into the meat of the story. I didn’t really get a great sense of who Desco was, nor did I really see any defining moments that allowed the character to shine through.
The short exchange you had in your second post was the best show of character you had, and with it there was a good bit of dialogue, which is usually a pretty reliable way of getting your character’s thoughts and feelings across without having to outright tell us what they are.
However, that wasn’t my favorite part. It was the part when Desco went to land on the barricade and slipped, being forced to catch herself with the levitation. It was a SMALL detail that showed us the character through her actions as opposed to her words or exposition. It gave a glimpse into her clumsiness, and beside her dramatic speech, it gave us a juxtaposition to really understand who she is as opposed to who she believes herself to be. It’s a
I think that you can really find a good balance with Desco, you just have to read over some other methods of putting character into the story to get a better idea of how it might apply to you.
Story: 2
You had some fun back and forths, and I really appreciated the way you used interesting combinations of her powers to create a mixed and dynamic effect each time.
I think the biggest place where the story suffered was the lack of interplay between the character’s personalities, and the fact that it was just nonstop, almost emotionless battle. When we just see two people beating the crap out of each other without a lot of compelling personal and emotional details, it’s very easy to get disinterested.
Try to create more dynamic situations where you give yourself problems and find interesting solutions to those problems (you’ve begun to do that, but push it even a little more), and then incorporate more things to make the conflict personally important (or not important) to create tension.
If it’s just getting hammered with action, it’s very easy for there to be a lack of tension and rhythm in your writing, so remember to use the narrative to command our attention for high and low spots.
Grammar: 2
Watch your sentence length, restructuring to use more commas or to break sentences into shorter ones will make them flow more naturally.
Here’s an example of writing that takes advantage of sentence length, commas and sentence length can impact how your reader is moving through your story:
A lot of your paragraphs were a bit blocky, which also interfered with the reader’s flow of the words.
TOTAL: 10
1 MISSING/LATE POST: x2/3
Total: 6.7
Mami Tomoe
Description & Clarity: 3
You used a lot of good descriptive detail in your posts. It felt fun, light, and springy as I read through your posts.
I think the thing that I disliked the most about your writing was the amount of sheer exposition. There was barely any time in your posts for something to happen because your internal monologue was so protracted into everything that was going on. Now, that’s not to say that you should alter your style entirely, or that the exposition didn’t give me a good understanding of the character, but the amount of it really held you back.
A bit of exposition that LIFTS and SUPPORTS action is more something that I think you should aim for. During an action, during a movement or a move or a blow, support it with memories or thoughts.
I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll say it again: “Show, don’t Tell.” SHOW us, through the sensations of the scene and the character, what is going on in their head. SHOW us how they feel, how they are moving, what they are doing. Give us the character’s world as though we were watching it through a lens, not as though we had access to their every thought and intention. We’ll figure out what they want if you imply it as opposed to handing it to us.
Voice: 2
Mami is starting to really round out, and it’s beginning to bleed into your Voice. You’re almost there, and I think with a bit more attention to showing and not telling will give you the sdpace you need to really flaunt your own personal style and let Mami bleed through your words.
Character: 3
Your characterization was pretty strong throughout your writing. I really do feel like you used the character to progress the storyline and make the narrative more engaging, which is a good thing.
Again, I feel like if we saw more about Mami as opposed to hearing about her, we’d have a better image of the character. I do think the internal monologue and the details you provided about her inner life really helped you establish who she was, but without a really prominent vision of her tics and her little actions, it’s hard to say that you absolutely blew this section out of the water.
Story: 2
You used the way that your opponent moved and thought as a way to drive the story, which was good. You showed us a dynamic fight scene that was more than two people pounding heads together, which was good.
I think that having more valleys and peaks in your action, and giving us some more creative and complex solutions to problems that you and the other writer come up with.
For example, when Desco used her super move, you really built up for it, and then came up with a fairly interesting solution, but then the ending clash seemed really anticlimactic. It’s hard for me to even tell what effect the super move had on Mami, and that certainly didn’t leave me with a great feeling after an entire post of build-up.
Grammar: 3
You have a good understanding of when and where to break a paragraph off, which is something that a lot of folks have a really, really hard time with. Most of your punctuation was good and I didn’t notice very many spelling errors.
I gotta say that I really disliked the embedded quotes in the middle of the text. It really broke the flow of the read and snapped be out of the moment every time it popped up, and I would strongly advise you to move them to the bottom of the post in the future.
There were also a few editing errors here and there, like this capitalization after an ellipsis:
Also look out for run-ons and sentence structure.
Total: 13
Desco
Description & Clarity: 2
You had a lot of good word choice, and the details you showed us were good! It was easy to see how Desco was operating and moving.
Watch out for word repetition.
Quote:The young final boss was led into the area and to her designated portion of the arena.
Quote: Desco stood on her tail which slithered out from her dress and propped her up on the dusty dirt, increasing her height while Yogsothoth materialized with his many yellow eyes and tentacles. Yogsothoth floated silently behind her in battle ready mode with his tentacles waving back and forth.It continues on like that throughout the posts, often repeating the same word even in the same sentence. Just try to find ways to write around that and you’re writing quality will shoot up dramatically. Use as many online thesauruses as you can find to help you out.
Also, take some time and really try to figure out your word choices in every sentence. It got a little clunky here and there.
Quote: However, now that she was here, she considered the fight that was about to begin and she shunted out the audience or the noise they made.If you liked the word, how else could you have written it to flow with the sentence in a more organic way? I found myself rereading this one to get your meaning.
You also did a lot of “Telling” and not enough “Showing” with your writing. You told the reader exactly what was happening and why as opposed to letting us infer it. Here’s the best example I can find:
Quote: The gong sounded throughout the arena. It was time to start the fight!The reader probably understands that the ringing of the gong indicates the start of a fight, so outright telling us probably isn’t needed.
For specifics on what to show, think about the sensory details that INFER what an action means. For example:
Quote:The gong rang, and the eldritch creature’s tentacles flexed excitedly.Even if the reader had no idea that the gong started the fight, they would know that something was about to happen.
Voice: 2
I feel like some of your work became a bit procedural, and because of that it lacked a really vibrant personality that the reader could really pick up on. You certainly weren’t absent from your writing, but I couldn’t get a great feeling for who you or the character was either.
Finding you own, unique writing style is sometimes a matter of just doing it for a long time and refining down what you really think if great. Being critical of your work in a healthy, productive way is the best way that you can pare down and refine who and what you want to be in your writing, so I suggest you spend as much time as possible just getting comfortable with your own writing.
Character: 2
I really like the Desco character. It’s a really interesting concept, and I like where you’ve taken the character. There’s a lot of good stuff that’s built right in to her, and I think she can go really far.
However, this section isn’t really effected by how much I personally like a character concept, it’s influenced by how you take that character concept and introduce it into the meat of the story. I didn’t really get a great sense of who Desco was, nor did I really see any defining moments that allowed the character to shine through.
The short exchange you had in your second post was the best show of character you had, and with it there was a good bit of dialogue, which is usually a pretty reliable way of getting your character’s thoughts and feelings across without having to outright tell us what they are.
However, that wasn’t my favorite part. It was the part when Desco went to land on the barricade and slipped, being forced to catch herself with the levitation. It was a SMALL detail that showed us the character through her actions as opposed to her words or exposition. It gave a glimpse into her clumsiness, and beside her dramatic speech, it gave us a juxtaposition to really understand who she is as opposed to who she believes herself to be. It’s a
I think that you can really find a good balance with Desco, you just have to read over some other methods of putting character into the story to get a better idea of how it might apply to you.
Story: 2
You had some fun back and forths, and I really appreciated the way you used interesting combinations of her powers to create a mixed and dynamic effect each time.
I think the biggest place where the story suffered was the lack of interplay between the character’s personalities, and the fact that it was just nonstop, almost emotionless battle. When we just see two people beating the crap out of each other without a lot of compelling personal and emotional details, it’s very easy to get disinterested.
Try to create more dynamic situations where you give yourself problems and find interesting solutions to those problems (you’ve begun to do that, but push it even a little more), and then incorporate more things to make the conflict personally important (or not important) to create tension.
If it’s just getting hammered with action, it’s very easy for there to be a lack of tension and rhythm in your writing, so remember to use the narrative to command our attention for high and low spots.
Grammar: 2
Watch your sentence length, restructuring to use more commas or to break sentences into shorter ones will make them flow more naturally.
Quote: Desco stood on her tail which slithered out from her dress and propped her up on the dusty dirt, increasing her height while Yogsothoth materialized with his many yellow eyes and tentacles.
Here’s an example of writing that takes advantage of sentence length, commas and sentence length can impact how your reader is moving through your story:
Quote:“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.Do you see how the change in length, in comma usage, and overall structure creates an internal monologue that fits with the scene? Try to keep these elements in mind when you’re forming your sentences and paragraphs.
Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
― Gary Provost
A lot of your paragraphs were a bit blocky, which also interfered with the reader’s flow of the words.
TOTAL: 10
1 MISSING/LATE POST: x2/3
Total: 6.7
Mami Tomoe
Description & Clarity: 3
You used a lot of good descriptive detail in your posts. It felt fun, light, and springy as I read through your posts.
I think the thing that I disliked the most about your writing was the amount of sheer exposition. There was barely any time in your posts for something to happen because your internal monologue was so protracted into everything that was going on. Now, that’s not to say that you should alter your style entirely, or that the exposition didn’t give me a good understanding of the character, but the amount of it really held you back.
A bit of exposition that LIFTS and SUPPORTS action is more something that I think you should aim for. During an action, during a movement or a move or a blow, support it with memories or thoughts.
I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll say it again: “Show, don’t Tell.” SHOW us, through the sensations of the scene and the character, what is going on in their head. SHOW us how they feel, how they are moving, what they are doing. Give us the character’s world as though we were watching it through a lens, not as though we had access to their every thought and intention. We’ll figure out what they want if you imply it as opposed to handing it to us.
Voice: 2
Mami is starting to really round out, and it’s beginning to bleed into your Voice. You’re almost there, and I think with a bit more attention to showing and not telling will give you the sdpace you need to really flaunt your own personal style and let Mami bleed through your words.
Character: 3
Your characterization was pretty strong throughout your writing. I really do feel like you used the character to progress the storyline and make the narrative more engaging, which is a good thing.
Again, I feel like if we saw more about Mami as opposed to hearing about her, we’d have a better image of the character. I do think the internal monologue and the details you provided about her inner life really helped you establish who she was, but without a really prominent vision of her tics and her little actions, it’s hard to say that you absolutely blew this section out of the water.
Story: 2
You used the way that your opponent moved and thought as a way to drive the story, which was good. You showed us a dynamic fight scene that was more than two people pounding heads together, which was good.
I think that having more valleys and peaks in your action, and giving us some more creative and complex solutions to problems that you and the other writer come up with.
For example, when Desco used her super move, you really built up for it, and then came up with a fairly interesting solution, but then the ending clash seemed really anticlimactic. It’s hard for me to even tell what effect the super move had on Mami, and that certainly didn’t leave me with a great feeling after an entire post of build-up.
Grammar: 3
You have a good understanding of when and where to break a paragraph off, which is something that a lot of folks have a really, really hard time with. Most of your punctuation was good and I didn’t notice very many spelling errors.
I gotta say that I really disliked the embedded quotes in the middle of the text. It really broke the flow of the read and snapped be out of the moment every time it popped up, and I would strongly advise you to move them to the bottom of the post in the future.
There were also a few editing errors here and there, like this capitalization after an ellipsis:
Quote:From closer observation, the... Creature, perhaps, seemed hardly different from a Familiar, with a more peculiar, petite and feminine look. Perhaps handling her like one would be wise.An ellipsis (the “…” symbol) indicates that a sentence has paused, and will continue at a later time. That means you don’t need to capitalize because you’re still mid-sentence.
Also look out for run-ons and sentence structure.
Quote: The Magical Girl summoned as many muskets as she could manage without struggling, which meant six on either side, then she jumped and summoned Tiro.That would have probably done better as two distinct sentences rather than one long one.
Total: 13
WINNER: MAMI
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.