Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Axorn vs Shang

Judge note: Overall, I felt like you both did a great job. Axorn, you the man if you faced this guy and were able to face off against him. Axorn, I was impressed by what you offered during the fight.

Axorn
"Description and Clarity: 2.5

Axorn fired his gunblade, the resounding recoil shooting him straight up into the air, much to the amazement of the crowd, and spread his wings, allowing him to hover there. Axorn was just about to swoop in for an attack when his opponent made a series of hand gestures and there was a loud uproar in the crowd. The next thing Axorn knew, something had slammed into his back, and then promptly exploded, launching him forward and sending shocks of pain through his upper back. Axorn lost control for a moment and began to dive towards the ground, just as he regained control, a flaming skull came shooting out of the ground towards him. Axorn attempted to swerve out of the way but the edge of it caught his waist. It then exploded, catapulting him into a roll towards the precarious fissure.

This was great, very concise, exciting, explosive! I liked what it brought to the battle, and the fact that it made sense Axorn went airborne (his fighting style) was just icing on the cake for me.

Axorn tucked and dove, causing the skull to just barely clear him. There was some screaming and yelling as the skull exploded in the stands. Axorn landed and dashed straight in, slicing towards the man with his sword. Axorn's adversary blocked the attack with blades that seem to have shot straight out of his wrists.

This part was clear and concise, I would have liked to see/have had a bit more description on the weapons /impact that were flung from his wrists, however, this was indirect, and is a move in the roster. It may be preference, but I always try to describe my opponent’s moves a bit better than my own. There are a few reasons, one is because I don’t usually get to use them in the first place, so its less repetitive and can be fun to detail, another, is that it is less confusing as to which move you used. In shang’s case, this wasn’t difficult to differentiate, but admittedly, my roster’s moves are all similar, so he included the names in a spoiler tag, which makes for less guesswork. butdudethatwordlimit yes, I know its rough sometimes, to balance out what is relevant, I will say in this paragraph, though it was well done, I was kind of curious how it was blocked. Next time add a little detail, directional (which is just a single word, making it realistic) or something like, “in a scooping motion,” or “parried left” or “swung his blade right, blocking the oncoming attack.” Just a few suggestions to elaborate further, it was very gripping, and doesn’t hurt to go a little further.

Axorn tuned back into the fight and realized that Shang had accidentally cornered himself in the fissure. Axorn took aim and fired his gunblade.

This part was concise and clear, but it could have used something. I suggest in the future, something along the lines of Axorn’s arm quivering, or the note that in the face of danger, Axorn’s arm never wavered, he was a warrior. Something along those lines, extra detail/narration can really define a character, which the reader wants and even craves to get to know.

I also was left wondering for the briefest second (before recalling the turn of events from above) how Shang was cornered. Instead of point-blank stating it, though it is recap, there was a bit more opportunity for you to rephrase it not necessarily elaborately, but with some fresh words that make the reader think.

Shang attempted to run to the side to get out of the way, but the passage was too narrow and the crystal embedded itself in his left arm.

This part was OK, however it almost seemed like there wasn’t enough association for one action to correspond with the other. If you added what some people call filler, or a bit more to the sentence, both could have been balanced out, or made a bit more intriguing.

“Shang ran to the side to get out of the way, but as he did so, his shoulder felt the wrath of the wall (that is, slammed into) and the crystal was only wedged deeper by the narrow cavern walls.”

There is only a bit of a difference, however I think you can see that the example version is a bit more varied.

Shang, not having enough time to react properly, braced himself for the oncoming impact of the crystal.

How did Shang do this? Did he shut his eyes? Did his muscles tense? Acute details like this are savory, and when included, really favor the reader’s imagination.

Voice: 3

You started off with a very good hook,

“Axorn unsheathed his sword, glinting in the light of the sun, and faced the man that was to be his opponent. “

It was compelling, and subtly lead into the fight, without too much force.

He attempted to fly up out of the blaze, but only succeeded in getting his chest scorched rather than his head. As the fire passed over him, he felt a renewing sense in his mind.

I liked this sentence pairing, I felt like they complimented each other, and I thought the action was nice and completed.

Axorn, clutching his now bleeding shoulder, continued his assault, running towards Shang despite his pain. Shang hit him again from the other wall, causing his other arm to begin bleeding as well.

I found this part to be very cause and effect, as well as action oriented. Short and choppy, like one would expect to see/feel during a fight.

As the blood flowed from both competitors Axorn disengaged, using his wings to pop himself up out of the crack in the earth. Axorn ran to the far end of the arena, zig-zagging between stone barricades, and

This helped get the pace back up to speed.

provoking him to fire yet another skull towards Axorn's face. Axorn tried to dive out of the way, but the skull clipped him, sending him rolling across the battlefield. Axorn rolled to a stop a few yards away. His scales, scratched and broken in some areas, had lost their sheen, and his leather clothing ripped as it caught on a boulder.

In your third and final post, I found you really brought your A-game. This sentence was really rich, and I felt like it painted a good picture in the reader’s mind.

To improve your voice in the future, I suggest experimenting with different styles, and varying sentences occasionally so they feel a bit more engaging to the reader.

Character: 3
Immediately I felt a good idea of your character, before you even had to describe him.

"I hope you will be a worthy, honorable adversary and that you don't hold back." Axorn said, a determined look on his stern face. "I want to have a good, honorable battle, and I hope you feel the same way."

This is going to be really tough, he thought, using his wings to push himself back in the air. but this is EXACTLY what I came here for. I wanted a challenge, Omni has presented it to me. Time to prove my strength.

This part added great flavor to your character.

Axorn charged forward towards his adversary, drawing his sword. Shang fired a flaming skull at his face, and while it was still a long way off, Axorn stepped to the side, dodging it. Axorn aimed with his trusty sword and fired his last bullet. I hope this works!

Your frequent narration in italics gave insight on Axorn for the reader, but be careful you don’t tell too much, sometimes it is good to “show” and see the effect.

While I do like the narration, it can always be helpful to know what other things will hold a reader’s attention, imagination, and emotion for longer which can consequently have more effect.

There is some subtle traits of Axorn shown by his actions. He charged! - Bravery, He drew his sword - fearlessness, he anticipated the skull, and dodged it - judgement, agility, and adapting during battle. These are all promising traits, but they were almost inferred, and too much inferring can strain the reader. Keep an eye out for that in the future. Sometimes it is nice to be told, shown, however the reader won’t always be looking for small subtleties like this.

Even though some of it was inferred, I still got a good idea of who Axorn was. In the future, something to help your portrayal might be dialogue, (which I suggested to your opponent) or alluding to what personality traits that might have made him charge, rather than hold his position, braced. The action that was thrown by you was incomparable, and I felt like there was a good amount of motivation behind Axorn’s blood.

Lastly, I marked you a little higher than your opponent, because I felt like you had established very good consistency from your introduction to your final post.

In the future, don’t be afraid to put on display some of Axorn’s personality traits. People will find them relatable, and enjoyable/entertaining to read.

Story: 2.5
The second post is when the story should really begin to accelerate. And here, I felt the slow ebb of change commence:

The draconian ran through the flames, hoping his competitor hadn't noticed the less than stellar effects. By the time the old man had figured it out and stopped the breath, Axorn emerged from the flames and brought his sword down, just barely being blocked by his adversary's Jian.

Axorn ran to the far end of the arena, zig-zagging between stone barricades, and occasionally limping from his badly wounded leg, knowing his opponent would soon follow. Axorn made his way to the end of the arena and grabbed a crossbow and a bag of bolts, which he tied to the projectile launcher, and slid his sword onto his back. I only have one crystal left, if I'm not sure it will hit, I'm going to use this. I need to exploit all my assets. Axorn whipped around just in time to see Shang finish summoning another skull.

This part showed strategy as it was in the making (and in the first post, the plan to strategize was made as well). As this part reviewed Axorn’s thoughts, you want to be careful, because sometimes when not phrased carefully, thoughts can seem like review to a reader, and we don’t want a lot of that on the second half of the post, because it slows down the steady, rapid pace you have going, and takes away from time you could have been kicking your opponent’s butt.

He hit the ground a little harder than he'd wished, jarring his leg and forcing more blood out of his battered body.

There were a few instances where I felt like there could have been more build from your character and style/word choice in this section. I liked the inclusion of motivation, and there were times I felt your character was desperate, however, I didn’t feel like there was a potent pathos being used, and I didn’t feel like the struggle was quite as grueling as it could have been. You did a good job explaining the story with Axorn’s action and narration, but it did lack a bit when there could have been a slow build to an (extremely) explosive or shocking ending. The potential was there, but it was a little less consistent towards the end (we want a strong finish!), and I felt like the conclusion lacked finality.

Grammar and Spelling: 2

readying himself. "let's

Let’s should be capitalized, and the period should be a comma.

Axorn said, a determined look on his stern face. “I

Period to comma.

Am I, being purified?Axorn

Slight accident, this happened to me before I caught it on my final edit, but when wordcounts are involved, this kind of thing is horrifying. (its a lack of a space after the q mark.) This puts you at 748 (THANK GOODNESS) and sometimes things like this are easily missed, especially with the italic font, I don’t believe it was intentional, I was glad a single miss didn’t cost anything against you, and would have felt terrible taking off/applying a penalty for one accidental lack of space.

The following isn’t mandatory to my knowledge, but I would have found it a bit better if it were a comma instead of a period. Commas are a pause, periods are concluding thoughts. That’s generally my rule of thumb.

Axorn thought angrily. Ho

”Axorn deliberately missed, the shot slamming into the wall of the fissure.”

This is a complete sentence, where “slamming” could be “slammed” for tense consistency.

This part is more formatting/flow than puncuation, but I felt like this

He had now almost gotten into melee range. Shang attempted to use Axorn's move again, although this time, he accidentally set it to the wrong temperature, giving Axorn nothing more than a screen with which he would abuse.

could have been a new paragraph, or was meant to but something changed. It wasn’t off-putting,


Total Score: 13


Shang

"Description and Clarity: 4

Dirty, singed fingers clutched at the now hot piece of compressed carbon, and with a grunt, Shang ripped the jagged stone from his arm just as it exploded into a giant cloud of burning gas. A wave of heat washed over the man as he was thrown backwards by the flash-bang of force that erupted from the enchanted crystal.

This part, right after your “hook” was very well done, I liked the subtle use of every action and adjective, and I felt like everything was purposeful.

Axorn rushed forward behind the force of his flapping wings. The great sword he held in his hand cleaved through the air and smashed down onto the stone barricade

Great word choice.

No gusts of fire came blazing toward the battered man, who likewise clutched onto his sword as if it was the last thing he owned.

With no fanfare or bombast, the two dashed across the remaining distance between themselves. Jian and gunblade met with a grating hiss as sparks rained down on the warriors once more. After a second clash of steel off to their sides, the pair broke apart and retaliated with fiery projectiles. Flamethrower burst met flaming skull in a deafening boom of heat and light that staggered not only the pair of warriors but most of the people intently following the confrontation.

Subtle, but well done. Strong ending really showed the power of both the subtle start and the substantial finish.

The vivid action and description you offer to the settings and movement of Shang and Axorn give your words a very intriguing aspect, as well as show your skill at word usage, and fluent consistency.

Hmm. In order to better yourself in the future, I would suggest slowing down the sentence in your head, so that you might visualize it all the more. Keep doing what you are doing, I enjoy the adjectives you used, and I also enjoyed the motion I felt was delivered in some of the attacks and movements. Your acute incorporation with setting helps make the entire battle feel more real to the reader.

Voice: 4

With a carefully controlled thud and a puff of dust, the dragon-man hit the earth. A lunge took him behind one of the stone barricades, leaving Shang Tsung alone in the open.

Immersive. You had a strong start, and kept the momentum of the post flowing.

Sparks danced into the air with every jarring clash of steel upon steel.

Nice flow and just was a rich sentence.

In the stands up above, the audience roared with approval as the two warriors dragged their battered, beleaguered bodies up off the blood-stained dirt. With many of the other fights concluded or near their end, many of the spectators craned their necks to see the lethal dance between the sorcerer and the dragon-man.

This just made for excellent flavor, and I loved it.

You did above average in this category, and I felt like you did a very nice job pronouncing your voice / writing style during the fight.

Character: 2.5

Despite his size and bulk, Axorn had no problem adjusting his stance and maneuvering, even as Shang tried to assail him with a quick flurry of short, rapid swipes and thrusts. On the other hand, the draconian found himself equally intrigued at how the seemingly small-framed human withstood the powerful swings that came raining down at him from all directions.

This was an awesome -and much needed- bit to get a little description on both of the participating characters. Of course I want to know who is fighting who! Letting the story unfold from there was nice too, as you let the reader figure them out for themselves, even based on consistent fighting style, both characters have such great amount of strength, and yet, they express it so contrastingly different.

apparently stunned foe. As the half-dragon moved to the edge, he caught a glimpse of the smile on Shang’s face as the sorcerer’s mouth fell away.

This was a great description as well. It really leads into the next post.

Now, you’re probably looking at your score, and narrowing your eyes, determined with ferocious(?) passion, however, I would like to mention, while Shang is a great character, I didn’t get the best impression here until the second half of the fight (consistency is an aspect that I eyed, but not negatively). There wasn’t much prioritized (until again, the second half), and I felt like while he has some very creative and identifiable moves, Shang’s dialogue could have been expressed in a more certain, and stronger way. And I felt like this would have enhanced the fight, and his character’s outward description.

Impressions are important, and so are first impressions. During Magus’s fight, I enjoyed the witty banter their characters used because I felt it was engaging. Personally I think it bettered each of their battle scores because I felt like the punches were right there with the retorts! Yours was good, however it came off a bit less confident because perhaps you weren’t entirely familiar with the character. This is understandable, stay communicating with your partner, and your imagination. Don’t be afraid to let loose a bit, from the noose.

While I got an okay idea of Shang from the fight, I wanted to know what he was fighting for, or at least, if his will to win was strong, and your writing lens helped my intrigue lace and tie the strings...

“Round Three. Fight!

With a manic grin, Shang charged his adversary.”

->

You started to get the mojo after a bit of a delay, and well, it blazed with an intense effect on the reader.

”“Enough of them,” Shang replied as he extended an empty palm toward his foe. The dragon watched as something slipped free from the backside of the sorcerer’s boot and floated up into his outstretched hand. With a blood-laced smile, Shang closed his fingers around the handgun’s grip and fired off a quick succession of shots. The massive, soulfire-infused bullets erupted from the barrel of the weapon and left streaks of green in the air as they screamed toward their target.”

For the future, I think some subtleties that might acutely enhance Shang’s outward appearance/how he is interpreted, not from Shang at all, but other’s reaction to some of the above examples of his kind of fiery, soul-eating evil.

Foils make characters look better, and well, so do screaming secondaries. Honestly, I find Shang very intriguing, but this fight didn’t entice/stun me explosively. (And it wasn't because I had a preconceived notion of him ahead of time, I think that during fighting, a character has a little more room to stretch what they are capable of.)

For the future, I want to see you put just a tad more effort into this category because I know you can do it... *Spoiler,* See you next round.


Story: 3.5

Forty feet away, Shang spun and lunged, trying to escape the flames as they poured over him. Despite his injury-diminished dexterity, the sorcerer was able to avoid taking the blast entirely, but enough of it caught his abdomen and legs to shatter his dive. Crying out in agony, Shang hit the ground hard on his right shoulder and rolled for a few more yards before coming to a stop. The only solace for the sorcerer was the fact that his adversary was likewise doubled over in pain, with a clawed hand clutched over a bruised, scorched wound on his chest.

I felt the desperation. I felt the drive -a bit later- I felt some emotions that weren’t necessarily included, yet, couldn’t help creeping over me. Pain, desperation, desire, and power. All of these make up the character’s composure, and help make the story by creating emotional edge. I liked what you did with this, and steadily built on this as it came along.

Stories should have a good climbing pace, they should be gradual, and sometimes they can be almost barely noticeable, however, when distinguished, there is strength evoked through raw emotion.

Lurching backwards, Shang fought to maintain his balance as his knees threatened to buckle beneath him. From the smog and ash cloud before him, a thundering red mass cleaved through and slammed into him. The sorcerer hit the ground with enough force to drive the air from his lungs, and even if he had the time to breath in, the thunderous blows from Axorn would have stalled his efforts anyway. Scaled fists crashed into his chest and face, mashing bone and tearing at flesh with hapless abandon before the sorcerer managed to halfheartedly shield his face using his forearms.

Action was maintained throughout the story and seemed to have an impact on the character, giving it a bit more reverence and making it more potent to the reader’s eyes.

A scowl spread across Axorn’s visage as Shang once more rose to a standing position. Although nearly half of the sorcerer’s visage was little more than a mound of bruised flesh, it was clear that the resolve hadn’t left the former monk.

This part showed a very finite, strong effect on the reader.

Finally,

Wings flared in an effort to stop his momentum, but the sorcerer had already closed the distance. A flash of white preceded a flare of pain as one of the arm blade sank into the draconian’s shoulder. Before the other could find his heart, Axorn closed a giant fist around the organic blade and used his shrinking reservoir of might to keep it from its mark.

One way or another, something was going to give.

Your finish was very well done. I didn't have much to incorporate this round, but I was more left reflecting on the entire scape of the story.

For the future, I suggest taking a sentence or two to tell the reader or show them some of the growth between Shang and the challenger's growth (which you occasionally did) however softly hinting to the audience about things they may not have caught from Shang's perspective would enhance the read for the audience.

Lastly, don't be afraid to emphasize a little of the goings on in Shang's head, or something else that might better detail the events occurring around him. The action had a good pace from both the characters, but I felt like something was missing in this category. A touch of ... "drama" in the right place won't overpower the structure and combination of the story, but might add more relevance to it.

Grammar and Spelling: 4.5
I can tell you edited and put quite a few proofreads into your post. While I'm reluctant to give out fives, I think your effort shows, because I didn't have to change anything, nor was I snagged back by that one untraceable PHANTOM comma. Anyway you did nicely in this category.

yawning crack in the earth that he had to change plans.

THIS ISN’T AN ERROR, but I might have gone with “he had to change his plan.” cleans it up a little, but I know all about that 750, straight-up.

Total Score: 18.5

Winner, Shang Tsung!