10-24-2015, 05:15 PM
Round 1, Group B - Alexyana vs Courier Six
I’m sorry it’s taken me soooo long to get this graded. It’s, BY FAR, the closest fight in the first round, so I’ve had to really take my time and reread it several times. It was a perfect match up.
This thing came down to fragments of points (which I have rounded up and down, to make the decision more clear for you both), so it’s… painfully close.
Your styles are actually both really close, making this even harder.
So, as a way to kinda help validate this, I’mma add in little quips about how you compare to each other in each section.
Alexyana
Description & Clarity: 3
The action was very very clear, fun, and descriptive. If anything, a few things about it felt just a little bit dry or misplaced. There was a lot of clear description, and you gave the reader some good descriptive depth.
I would like to see more specific details, really slow down and let the moment play out. Where should the mind’s eye be focused? What details, what moments? Giving bright, glimmering details in slow moments, and sloppy, rough details that encompass whole movements would help you out here, I think. Perhaps more metaphor and more abstract comparisons and adjectives to help us define the real with the obscure.
You two honestly stood closest here in your styles. I think that you’ll diverge when you start using some of the details that stand out to your characters.
Voice: 2
I got a really good sense of Alex’s fluff and personality PURELY through the voice of your writing. We didn’t get a lot of strong characterization, but your straight up writing style really laid out the feel and personality of Alex.
Even still, there’s always room to focus on choosing just the right word for just the right format or quirk to mix in.
Character: 2
We did get to see a bit of Alex here, which was great! However, with the combat at such a breakneck speed, moments for strong characterization were limited. Finding space to squeeze in your character can be rough. I think that if you create some space in the pure action, you’ll have a much easier time flaunting your good character writing.
I’d say that you squeaked ahead on this one, but not far enough to validate a full point jump.
Story: 2
It was a lot of fun for a beat-em-up style story. There was a lot of blood, and both of them got like, really hurt. Especially the part where you got blasted in the head/face a ton. There was certainly a good back forth, and some decent exchanges.
What I feel like it lacked was pauses. It was just a ton of action, non-stop, and because of that it didn’t really hit a great STORY. Yes, the action was good, but action is best used as punctuation to tension, peaks, valleys, internal and external conflict. Giving your characters dramatic problems to come over by using the terrain, their unique powers, and anything else you can think of are what really drive an interesting story outside of just beating the hell out of each other.
Again, what your wrote for the action was really solid, and the scenes that were action oriented were great. But using strong, fast-paced action for the peaks of a scene, not at a constant “Volume at 11” level.
This is the section that most decided the winner. The Courier used just a bit more dramatic pacing and stole the point over you on this one. If I wasn’t forced to separate your scores by at least 1 point to determine a winner, I’d say you both got right around a 2.5.
Grammar: 3
I’m not gonna go crazy on this, but there were few errors. Proofread more, look out for editing errors.
Total: 12
Courier Six
Description & Clarity: 3
As I said in Alex’s C&C, you two share a lot of aspects in your description and overall writing style, and you have mostly the same benefits and downfalls.
Your writing clear and fun. There was a lot of clear detail, but I’d love to see more specific, outstanding details. Use all of your character’s senses. Use abstract metaphors and similes to hammer home concrete descriptions. Most of what I said to Alex applies.
Voice: 2
Again, mostly the same as Alex’s. I’m trying not to be lazy with this, but your writing faces a lot of the same boons and downfalls as hers. She did scrape ahead of you in this category because her word choice was more descriptive of the character.
I would focus on trying to find words and details that surround your character and your writing style, and trying to tap into how their worldview alters their descriptive language.
Character: 2
With so much of the fight being super speed fighting, and with the word restrictions, finding characterization space can be hard. I would just suggest trying to use the thematic rhythm and spacing to SHOW your character, using actions to show your character through their actions, and having actions other than beating the shit out of your opponent and self to help that along.
Story: 3
You used the Courier’s Stealth to a greater effect than Alex found. It had drama, and it had tension and payoff. While I overall believe that you could have focused much more on your rhythm and pacing, you managed to get in the tension that pushed your score over Alex’s.
I shouldn’t have to say it by this point, but you both seemed to have similar issues in this part.
Grammar: 3
Watch your editing. Proofread. Read it like, a hundred times. There was a little bit of funky formatting.
It was pretty much the same as Alex’s, so saying more than “about the same” and “proofreader super hard to clean up the smaller, nit picking things” is somewhat pointless.
Total: 13
Folks, it was a close fight. You both did REALLY well.
I’m sorry it’s taken me soooo long to get this graded. It’s, BY FAR, the closest fight in the first round, so I’ve had to really take my time and reread it several times. It was a perfect match up.
This thing came down to fragments of points (which I have rounded up and down, to make the decision more clear for you both), so it’s… painfully close.
Your styles are actually both really close, making this even harder.
So, as a way to kinda help validate this, I’mma add in little quips about how you compare to each other in each section.
Alexyana
Description & Clarity: 3
The action was very very clear, fun, and descriptive. If anything, a few things about it felt just a little bit dry or misplaced. There was a lot of clear description, and you gave the reader some good descriptive depth.
I would like to see more specific details, really slow down and let the moment play out. Where should the mind’s eye be focused? What details, what moments? Giving bright, glimmering details in slow moments, and sloppy, rough details that encompass whole movements would help you out here, I think. Perhaps more metaphor and more abstract comparisons and adjectives to help us define the real with the obscure.
You two honestly stood closest here in your styles. I think that you’ll diverge when you start using some of the details that stand out to your characters.
Voice: 2
I got a really good sense of Alex’s fluff and personality PURELY through the voice of your writing. We didn’t get a lot of strong characterization, but your straight up writing style really laid out the feel and personality of Alex.
Even still, there’s always room to focus on choosing just the right word for just the right format or quirk to mix in.
Character: 2
We did get to see a bit of Alex here, which was great! However, with the combat at such a breakneck speed, moments for strong characterization were limited. Finding space to squeeze in your character can be rough. I think that if you create some space in the pure action, you’ll have a much easier time flaunting your good character writing.
I’d say that you squeaked ahead on this one, but not far enough to validate a full point jump.
Story: 2
It was a lot of fun for a beat-em-up style story. There was a lot of blood, and both of them got like, really hurt. Especially the part where you got blasted in the head/face a ton. There was certainly a good back forth, and some decent exchanges.
What I feel like it lacked was pauses. It was just a ton of action, non-stop, and because of that it didn’t really hit a great STORY. Yes, the action was good, but action is best used as punctuation to tension, peaks, valleys, internal and external conflict. Giving your characters dramatic problems to come over by using the terrain, their unique powers, and anything else you can think of are what really drive an interesting story outside of just beating the hell out of each other.
Again, what your wrote for the action was really solid, and the scenes that were action oriented were great. But using strong, fast-paced action for the peaks of a scene, not at a constant “Volume at 11” level.
This is the section that most decided the winner. The Courier used just a bit more dramatic pacing and stole the point over you on this one. If I wasn’t forced to separate your scores by at least 1 point to determine a winner, I’d say you both got right around a 2.5.
Grammar: 3
I’m not gonna go crazy on this, but there were few errors. Proofread more, look out for editing errors.
Total: 12
Courier Six
Description & Clarity: 3
As I said in Alex’s C&C, you two share a lot of aspects in your description and overall writing style, and you have mostly the same benefits and downfalls.
Your writing clear and fun. There was a lot of clear detail, but I’d love to see more specific, outstanding details. Use all of your character’s senses. Use abstract metaphors and similes to hammer home concrete descriptions. Most of what I said to Alex applies.
Voice: 2
Again, mostly the same as Alex’s. I’m trying not to be lazy with this, but your writing faces a lot of the same boons and downfalls as hers. She did scrape ahead of you in this category because her word choice was more descriptive of the character.
I would focus on trying to find words and details that surround your character and your writing style, and trying to tap into how their worldview alters their descriptive language.
Character: 2
With so much of the fight being super speed fighting, and with the word restrictions, finding characterization space can be hard. I would just suggest trying to use the thematic rhythm and spacing to SHOW your character, using actions to show your character through their actions, and having actions other than beating the shit out of your opponent and self to help that along.
Story: 3
You used the Courier’s Stealth to a greater effect than Alex found. It had drama, and it had tension and payoff. While I overall believe that you could have focused much more on your rhythm and pacing, you managed to get in the tension that pushed your score over Alex’s.
I shouldn’t have to say it by this point, but you both seemed to have similar issues in this part.
Grammar: 3
Watch your editing. Proofread. Read it like, a hundred times. There was a little bit of funky formatting.
It was pretty much the same as Alex’s, so saying more than “about the same” and “proofreader super hard to clean up the smaller, nit picking things” is somewhat pointless.
Total: 13
Folks, it was a close fight. You both did REALLY well.
WINNER: COURIER 6
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.