10-24-2015, 02:21 PM
Colosseum - Round 1, Group A - Luffy vs Alain
Luffy
Description & Clarity: 3
You managed to not only write clearly, but really sell your action scenes. You used your words to pace the scene, and you used the pacing of the scene to emphasize what was important or not important. I could see, and feel, a lot of what you were writing.
As it WAS a fight, and especially with your character’s more visual, cartoonish style, it’s easy to see why some of the other sensory descriptions were left out, but I’d love to see more of that in your next fight. Smell, taste, feeling. Not a major lapse of quality, but I would personally enjoy seeing more of those kinda of intimate details from you.
Voice: 3
Your word choice really supported the character’s perspective and attitude, and strung the reader along with you on the journey of his emotions and intentions. I especially like the amount of almost comedic “sound effect” onomatopoeia and the overall fun, cartoonish feeling you left behind.
Sometimes your verbosity worked against you in this section, but only really noticeably in the opening of your first post. The eloquence with which you wrote sort of seemed to undermine the simplicity and effervescence of the rest of your writing.
Character: 4
Your depiction of Luffy really sold the character, and his expression was really buoyant and fun, just like he should be. And yet, even through the fluff, there was a depth there. You almost POINTED OUT the character’s ridiculousness with his actions and dialogue. His naivety, his silliness, and his determination were all brought to light. It was a really stellar display of WHO Luffy is and WHY he is acting in the ways he is. His personality even came out in his Moves, which is always fun.
I don’t usually talk about how a writer writes his opposition, but it’s actually a really strong consideration of mine, and you did it really well. You made Alain a very interesting, engaging opponent. You used his powers, you used his personality, and you made him really engage as an antagonist. It really breathed some life into the scene to see that kind of back and forth. Loved it.
Story: 4
The complex and interesting ways that you engaged your enemy using Luffy’s powers was really impressive and fun. I feel like you really sold the exchanges, and every time that Luffy did something, it changed the pace and the direction of the fight. Every hit MEANT something. Every move was used in a way that was compelling and let me looking for more.
It can’t go without being said, but the opening move of the fight was creative and hilarious, right down to the inventive name he gave it. You made PROBLEMS for your character, and then came up with INTERESTING SOLUTIONS that subverted the reader’s expectations, which is what a good story looks like, especially in a fight.
You also had a really good command of pacing in this. There were breaks in the movement, there was an exchange of dialogue, there were peaks and valleys for both of the characters, and overall you struck a rhythm that was appealing. Good work.
Grammar: 4
You did well on grammar.
You used a lot of ellipses, but they matched your style and Voice so well that they didn’t get in the way or break up the flow of writing.
Total: 18
Alain
Description & Clarity: 2
I didn’t have any problems reading your action in the posts, which is a really good thing! Almost all of it was very clear and easy to understand. I’d say that, overall, you did a good job describing things.
However, I did feel that a lot of your writing ended up feeling a bit dry. I rarely felt myself feeling emotionally invested or wondering at the scenes that were in my head because the spry, interesting details of what was happening were a little absent. In some cases, the absence of that actually made it a little more difficult to understand, because the lack of dramatic tempo.
By pulling out little details like that, you can really put the reader in the shoes of the character, and that’s what really sells the story. If you want an action to have more impact or to move more slowly and dramatically, give us more details. If you want the pacing to be fast and almost “blurry,” use less sensory details.
Voice: 2
Your Voice was present, but it lacked a lot of strength. I think it was due to the procedural nature of your description that I really didn’t get a feeling for who you, or the character was through the writing. It wasn’t SEVERELY lacking, it just wasn’t popping off the page.
Character: 2
Alain has a lot of potential as a character, and I feel like you’re starting to hit the beginning of your stride for that. Finding a place where the character’s personality, or LACK OF personality makes him interesting can be a daunting task, but I think you’re just on the cusp of it.
Really selling how a character thinks can be as much a part of how he acts as it is of putting exposition bout their intentions on the reader. Give us the small details, the little things that define us as people. Does Alain have any tics? Does he move in certain ways or react with certain expressions? I didn’t get to SEE a lot of who Alain is so much as you tried to tell us flat out, which more often than not backfires as a method of characterization.
I think that if you spend some more time with the character, thinking about the MINIUTIA of his world, you’ll start to be able to show us the character a bit more. What are his small feelings? What are his pained memories, what’s his favorite food? All that kind of stuff can really sell a character, even in a fight situation. It all bleeds through.
Story: 2
You action was really fast paced and dynamic, which I found enjoyable! One thing that sort of struck me as lacking was “big moments,” where something dramatic happened that changed the major course of the battle. It was a lot of back and forth, but overall it was a tit-for-tat exchange, and felt a bit stagnant/constant.
You did have a few breaks and changes in action, like when Alain was hiding behind the barricade while Luffy was spinning, but it more seemed like you were just looked for AN answer to a solution rather than trying to use the drama of the moment to find an engaging solution. When Luffy was spinning like a garbage disposal, hiding behind a rock while he was spinning was sort of a let-down. Even if your CHARACTER, is just looking for a solution to a problem, as a writer engaging with conflict and forcing characters to deal with conflict in interesting ways is what makes the story engaging to the reader.
Shortly after that scene, you actually engaged with Luffy, and I feel like that was one of the more fun parts of the story, because it had the most humanity. You could see the flaws of both characters, and it felt a lot more organic and real.
Grammar: 3
Total: 11
Luffy
Description & Clarity: 3
You managed to not only write clearly, but really sell your action scenes. You used your words to pace the scene, and you used the pacing of the scene to emphasize what was important or not important. I could see, and feel, a lot of what you were writing.
As it WAS a fight, and especially with your character’s more visual, cartoonish style, it’s easy to see why some of the other sensory descriptions were left out, but I’d love to see more of that in your next fight. Smell, taste, feeling. Not a major lapse of quality, but I would personally enjoy seeing more of those kinda of intimate details from you.
Voice: 3
Your word choice really supported the character’s perspective and attitude, and strung the reader along with you on the journey of his emotions and intentions. I especially like the amount of almost comedic “sound effect” onomatopoeia and the overall fun, cartoonish feeling you left behind.
Sometimes your verbosity worked against you in this section, but only really noticeably in the opening of your first post. The eloquence with which you wrote sort of seemed to undermine the simplicity and effervescence of the rest of your writing.
Character: 4
Your depiction of Luffy really sold the character, and his expression was really buoyant and fun, just like he should be. And yet, even through the fluff, there was a depth there. You almost POINTED OUT the character’s ridiculousness with his actions and dialogue. His naivety, his silliness, and his determination were all brought to light. It was a really stellar display of WHO Luffy is and WHY he is acting in the ways he is. His personality even came out in his Moves, which is always fun.
I don’t usually talk about how a writer writes his opposition, but it’s actually a really strong consideration of mine, and you did it really well. You made Alain a very interesting, engaging opponent. You used his powers, you used his personality, and you made him really engage as an antagonist. It really breathed some life into the scene to see that kind of back and forth. Loved it.
Story: 4
The complex and interesting ways that you engaged your enemy using Luffy’s powers was really impressive and fun. I feel like you really sold the exchanges, and every time that Luffy did something, it changed the pace and the direction of the fight. Every hit MEANT something. Every move was used in a way that was compelling and let me looking for more.
It can’t go without being said, but the opening move of the fight was creative and hilarious, right down to the inventive name he gave it. You made PROBLEMS for your character, and then came up with INTERESTING SOLUTIONS that subverted the reader’s expectations, which is what a good story looks like, especially in a fight.
You also had a really good command of pacing in this. There were breaks in the movement, there was an exchange of dialogue, there were peaks and valleys for both of the characters, and overall you struck a rhythm that was appealing. Good work.
Grammar: 4
You did well on grammar.
Quote: That heirloom . . was my ONE AND ONLY TREASURE!Just little editing errors like a missed period here or there were the only mistakes I could find.
You used a lot of ellipses, but they matched your style and Voice so well that they didn’t get in the way or break up the flow of writing.
Total: 18
Alain
Description & Clarity: 2
I didn’t have any problems reading your action in the posts, which is a really good thing! Almost all of it was very clear and easy to understand. I’d say that, overall, you did a good job describing things.
However, I did feel that a lot of your writing ended up feeling a bit dry. I rarely felt myself feeling emotionally invested or wondering at the scenes that were in my head because the spry, interesting details of what was happening were a little absent. In some cases, the absence of that actually made it a little more difficult to understand, because the lack of dramatic tempo.
Quote: There was a sickening crack as the buckler connected with his skull, and he fell into the trench headfirst, almost comically.I suggest you take a bit more time with your description, and really pick out the things about the objects and actions that illustrate the action that they’re involved in. When Luffy hit him with the buckler, that’s all we saw. We saw a buckler hit his face, and that was about it. What details of the buckler stuck out visually? What sound did it make? Did Alain taste the wood when it hit his mouth? What about this moment stands out to the character? “Sickening crack,” is a good start to it, but it’s pretty commonly used and minor, so it doesn’t stand out as a particularly “strong” description.
By pulling out little details like that, you can really put the reader in the shoes of the character, and that’s what really sells the story. If you want an action to have more impact or to move more slowly and dramatically, give us more details. If you want the pacing to be fast and almost “blurry,” use less sensory details.
Voice: 2
Your Voice was present, but it lacked a lot of strength. I think it was due to the procedural nature of your description that I really didn’t get a feeling for who you, or the character was through the writing. It wasn’t SEVERELY lacking, it just wasn’t popping off the page.
Character: 2
Alain has a lot of potential as a character, and I feel like you’re starting to hit the beginning of your stride for that. Finding a place where the character’s personality, or LACK OF personality makes him interesting can be a daunting task, but I think you’re just on the cusp of it.
Really selling how a character thinks can be as much a part of how he acts as it is of putting exposition bout their intentions on the reader. Give us the small details, the little things that define us as people. Does Alain have any tics? Does he move in certain ways or react with certain expressions? I didn’t get to SEE a lot of who Alain is so much as you tried to tell us flat out, which more often than not backfires as a method of characterization.
I think that if you spend some more time with the character, thinking about the MINIUTIA of his world, you’ll start to be able to show us the character a bit more. What are his small feelings? What are his pained memories, what’s his favorite food? All that kind of stuff can really sell a character, even in a fight situation. It all bleeds through.
Story: 2
You action was really fast paced and dynamic, which I found enjoyable! One thing that sort of struck me as lacking was “big moments,” where something dramatic happened that changed the major course of the battle. It was a lot of back and forth, but overall it was a tit-for-tat exchange, and felt a bit stagnant/constant.
You did have a few breaks and changes in action, like when Alain was hiding behind the barricade while Luffy was spinning, but it more seemed like you were just looked for AN answer to a solution rather than trying to use the drama of the moment to find an engaging solution. When Luffy was spinning like a garbage disposal, hiding behind a rock while he was spinning was sort of a let-down. Even if your CHARACTER, is just looking for a solution to a problem, as a writer engaging with conflict and forcing characters to deal with conflict in interesting ways is what makes the story engaging to the reader.
Shortly after that scene, you actually engaged with Luffy, and I feel like that was one of the more fun parts of the story, because it had the most humanity. You could see the flaws of both characters, and it felt a lot more organic and real.
Grammar: 3
Quote: leaping over the trench and wondering what his foe's strategy was.Just little errors like this messed you up here and there, but certainly above average for the site.
Total: 11
WINNER: LUFFY
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.