10-22-2015, 12:34 PM
Dawnika V Black Mage
Judge’s note: This was a shorter fight per post, so keep in mind I have to weigh more with less.
Dawnika
"Description and Clarity: 2
During this section, I was never confused by what was going on, everything was placed pretty straightforward, and I felt like I had a good idea of the action and events. However for the future, I can suggest delving yourself into the story as you write it, and placing details of the setting, so the reader can taste the ocean air with you, or grimace at the repugnant smell of death in the colosseum.
(you explained kind of what I meant a little later)
As this pertains to Dawnika, did the magic leave the trace of a blistering burn? Or did it effect her in more of a ‘slashed’ motion. Details like this may seem irrelevant sometimes, but they add layers to the setting and make it more real.
Voice: 2
In your second post, I felt like you got a better chance to emphasize some of Dawnika’s thoughts.
The above narrative simplified Dawnika’s plan for the reader, and honed in on strategy and tactics. It was brief but concise, and maintained an effect on what you wanted to pronounce, as well as what you wanted the reader to take away from it.
Character: 1
For this category, I didn’t feel like there was much description as to who Dawnika was. There were times that I felt you displayed her personality acutely, and a bit through dialogue, however there wasn’t a lot of emphasis and some of these traits were lost in the aggression of action during the fight.
If you read the description for this category, it wants character development, and the reader to feel a certain way when they think of your character. To better establish this, you have to make the reader understand Dawnika.
How can I get people to understand my character? ESPECIALLY in a fight?
I have a few suggestions. Motivation, action, the reason behind the action are all good places to start. When you ask yourself, “why” does Dawnika even fight BM, that is the beginning of improvement. I don’t know why Dawn joined the tournament, but I would have liked to. Little details build character. If you don’t feel like you have much to say in this category, sometimes even mentioning clothes can help, especially in BM’s case, who has dark, whispery clothes. Why does he wear them? What is he hiding. Sometimes things even like clothes can help build a character. Superheros have distinguished and identifiable outfits. Why can’t your character be the same?
Story: 1
In this category I think both of you could have scored higher. The posts were slightly shorter than normal (and I know quite a few others were bordering 750, and had to chop off some unneeded words) but I felt like the story between BM and Dawn was unspoken. Had it been a little more pronounced, you would have built a bit more friction or tension in the reader’s mind. After a little bit of this, sometimes even unnecessarily, there is a firmer idea of each character, and who they are. I wrote more in BM’s story category that says something similar, so I hope you take a look at his too.
Just before, Dawn anticipated the battle and raided the weapons, retrieving ample amount to last her through the battle, which showed that her character was looking ahead, and preparing in her own way for the battle to come.
When you create as a writer, you want to keep in mind how the reader is going to interpret some of the things you mention. I’m going to use an example here, on how sometimes adding just a bit more information can make a big and sometimes subtle difference.
“Sam pet the cat, and smiled.”
“The fur on the cat’s head was sleek and looked soft, Sam reached her hand and stroked the cat’s back, the cat purred with warmth, and Sam smiled.”
The first one narrates only the action pertaining to Sam. In the second one, we are taken a bit more in depth, Sam’s motivation for petting the cat is included, there is subtle emotion described so that the reader can infer (with hopefully previous experience) what a cat feels like when you pet it. The end, two brief words, had they been taken from either of the examples would have deprived conclusion. In the second one, we know why Sam smiled, in the first one, the reader has to work for it a bit more, and there is an unpleasant sense of unknown.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Aside from the occasional switching of a word, I felt like you remained pretty concise in this category, your sentence structure was simple yet grounded, and with a bit of help you could
Total Score: 8
Black Mage
First I wanted to say that you both did a wonderful job, but one of your rounds was posted late, so I had to apply the penalty at the end.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Voice: 3
Character: 2
I just wanted to say that you have a lot of awesome moves! I took a glance at your roster and was impressed with all the cool moves!
Both characters I felt lacked in this category as well. I didn’t get a good sense of who they were when I was reading, and that is why there was a lower score this category. More adjectives to define their personalities could have been used to improve the reader’s perception of the character, however, I personally would have liked to see Black mage (though mysterious) “recoil” at some of Dawnika’s words. When she called him a deserter, how did that effect BM? Did he feel insulted and even more motivated to take her down? Or had he been called worse?
Even if you don’t display a character’s personality openly, action, no matter how subtle, effects the reader and makes them more inclined to your character.
Story: 1.5
The tournament is a ruthless battlefield where Primes around the world come to kill eachother. It's scary, it's brutal, and it's cool. There was a lot of tension, but it could have unfolded differently, and more toward the reader.
I wasn’t impressed with the story in this match guys, there was some tension, but I felt it was really lacking and unpronounced. In place of story, I felt like you put some cool action, however in a really good fight, there is a balanced blend of plot/story, tension/drama, and action (cause and effect). Without a blend of this, the other things can seem off-balanced, or even lacking meaning. For an example of this, I’d like to mention that the plot and build up of a story can be crucial to the ending.
“The silver spoon was held wavering an inch before his mouth. Cupped inside, a crunchy mixture of milk and cornflakes. He hadn’t eaten in two days. He saw his warped reflection on the mirrored handle, it was pale and gaunt. He had circles below his eyes, which were feverish and glossy. The boy had been sick for three days before, and in his torso, his ribs had begun to stick out through is shirt. If he didn’t eat something soon -and hold it down- he would surely be put in the emergency room, or worse, starve to death.
He gulped and readied his willpower before he clenched his jaw and braced for the cold liquid substance that would soon drown his gullet. Nausea surged in his stomach. He repulsed, and dropped the spoon into the bowl. It splashed out on the table and the ceramic dish ware bounced before spinning back into stability. He felt like throwing up again, how could he even eat a single bite? The struggle was real, but he would triumph.
The boy’s knuckles turned white as they grasped the spoon once more. And with a vivid swing, his lips opened to down the cold swish of food. He crunched and swallowed and his swirling nausea immediately subsided. He had triumphed, so he took another bite.”
Like in the description of this category, I went with breakfast. The story had a beginning and an end, but it didn’t exactly start with the ‘gong’ so to speak. It starts with emotion and character.
In order to build, there were people in other matches who used interaction and dialogue to aid them, others used their character’s motivations to win. All in all, you can use those tactics and the above suggestions to improve the consistency of building a plot that suits this setting, and having your character woven in can really enhance the quality.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
Aside from the occasional lack of comma (which I think in this case was a style choice) I barely noticed any mistakes. Commas help the reader pause where you want them to, and motion when something should be short, fast paced, choppy, broken up, or otherwise separate. Keep an eye for those and you should be good.
Total score: 12.5 x late penalty .667 = 8.34
The Winner is Black Mage!
Judge’s note: This was a shorter fight per post, so keep in mind I have to weigh more with less.
Dawnika
"Description and Clarity: 2
During this section, I was never confused by what was going on, everything was placed pretty straightforward, and I felt like I had a good idea of the action and events. However for the future, I can suggest delving yourself into the story as you write it, and placing details of the setting, so the reader can taste the ocean air with you, or grimace at the repugnant smell of death in the colosseum.
Quote:Her first impression of Black Mage was his appearance, or course.When I read this, I wanted to know what made Dawnika think that. I wanted to know what she thought of BM. What about his appearance? Was it spooky? Mysterious? Hallowed? When viewing something, every person, tall or short, has a slightly different view of the object. In this case, Black Mage. I wanted to know how his appearance effected dawn. If he had intimidated her, it would have set the scene better.
Quote:Obviously he was a wizard and would use magic from a range. She needed to close the gap quickly, when this started.A few more details on how she could tell he was a wizard just by looking, may have enhanced the over-all effect, and it could open up an opportunity for the reader to get to know Dawn. The who, what, where, when, and how’s do matter. When you find someone you look up to, you want to know everything about them, and such is a writer on the stage.
(you explained kind of what I meant a little later)
Quote:which Dawnika knew by the chants he kept repeating, she quickly pulled her bow and launched an arrow at him, forcing him to stop and dodgeby stating the reason, and it did help to enhance the sentence and the reader’s understanding of it.
Quote:Ice spikes and fire balls flew past her face, as she dodged the oncoming projectiles. It was easy to dodge at this range, but now she had to get across the center trench without being hit.You kept it simple. The action was very clean-cut.
Quote:About thirty feet away now, Dawnika pulled the bow on her opponent and launched more arrows as she closed in on him.You gave a very straightforward description, however I like to think of settings as alive. Dawn drew back the bow’s drawstring, did she feel the gentle ebb of elastic on her fingertips? Would the wind interfere? What was Black mage doing throughout all this. Extend some details and description outward, and I think more impact will find its way back to the reader. I sometimes call this kind of thing framing, which also pertains to plot and story build up. Framing context can be very important on the impact it makes to the reader. The point you what the reader to take from what they have read.
Quote:A lightning bolt suprised her, making a mark across her cheek.This part was clear, but never be afraid to say what the mark looked like! Harry potter’s mark is an irregular shape, a lightning bolt, and later in the books it seems to be made a distinguishing feature for Harry, even before he knew, people knew just by the mark it was him.
As this pertains to Dawnika, did the magic leave the trace of a blistering burn? Or did it effect her in more of a ‘slashed’ motion. Details like this may seem irrelevant sometimes, but they add layers to the setting and make it more real.
Quote:She took both her swords in each hands and let out a flurry of stikes.you did better in this part, which you used a good and varied amount of verbs, adjectives, and concise points of landing to help aid the reader in visualizing where the slices were accumulating. You also catered to the reader here and mentioned just what struggle Black Mage was enduring.
The mage's back hit the invisible barrier stopping him short and Dawnika started landing attacks on him. Shoulder, arm, one on the chest. Both the swords were moving to fast to dodge completely. If the mage did not find a way out of this soon, the end of this fight will be imminent.
Voice: 2
In your second post, I felt like you got a better chance to emphasize some of Dawnika’s thoughts.
Quote:Okay, range is his advantage. The best way for a predator to catch pray is to lure the pray into a corner. If I can get his back against the wall, he'll be mine.
The above narrative simplified Dawnika’s plan for the reader, and honed in on strategy and tactics. It was brief but concise, and maintained an effect on what you wanted to pronounce, as well as what you wanted the reader to take away from it.
Quote:She took both her swords in each hands and let out a flurry of stikes.
The mage's back hit the invisible barrier stopping him short and Dawnika started landing attacks on him. Shoulder, arm, one on the chest. Both the swords were moving to fast to dodge completely. If the mage did not find a way out of this soon, the end of this fight will be imminent.
Quote:The wizards foot met hers with enough force to make her cringe. Before she had time to react, he had already forced her back to the blood-stained ground. Her swords skided away from her hands upon impact.Throughout the battle, I felt like your descriptions improved. In your last post, which was a bit shorter, you had a good idea of what you wanted to display, and the words you wanted to use to do it. Continue building on this, having a good partner, with a good pace, can really aid in your own growth as a writer.
Character: 1
Quote:"In the name of King Aragon, I will destroy you!"Dawnika says this to Black Mage, and I felt like she really took on the purpose of the flag, but I was left wondering and curious. What does the Kingdom mean to her character?
For this category, I didn’t feel like there was much description as to who Dawnika was. There were times that I felt you displayed her personality acutely, and a bit through dialogue, however there wasn’t a lot of emphasis and some of these traits were lost in the aggression of action during the fight.
If you read the description for this category, it wants character development, and the reader to feel a certain way when they think of your character. To better establish this, you have to make the reader understand Dawnika.
Quote:Character development, the actions and motivation of characters and dialogue are all important in this section. The goal is to create “round” characters as opposed to “flat” ones. Making the people in your writing seem real, not just archetypes following a plot progression is the goal here. The writer should consider who the people they are writing as are as individuals, why they take certain actions, their personal problems and boons, how they interact with the world around themselves and how they approach problems are all considerations for a writer in this section. Note that not all GOOD characters are LIKABLE characters. If you really hate a character that’s well written, this section deserves a good score!
How can I get people to understand my character? ESPECIALLY in a fight?
I have a few suggestions. Motivation, action, the reason behind the action are all good places to start. When you ask yourself, “why” does Dawnika even fight BM, that is the beginning of improvement. I don’t know why Dawn joined the tournament, but I would have liked to. Little details build character. If you don’t feel like you have much to say in this category, sometimes even mentioning clothes can help, especially in BM’s case, who has dark, whispery clothes. Why does he wear them? What is he hiding. Sometimes things even like clothes can help build a character. Superheros have distinguished and identifiable outfits. Why can’t your character be the same?
Story: 1
In this category I think both of you could have scored higher. The posts were slightly shorter than normal (and I know quite a few others were bordering 750, and had to chop off some unneeded words) but I felt like the story between BM and Dawn was unspoken. Had it been a little more pronounced, you would have built a bit more friction or tension in the reader’s mind. After a little bit of this, sometimes even unnecessarily, there is a firmer idea of each character, and who they are. I wrote more in BM’s story category that says something similar, so I hope you take a look at his too.
Quote:"You deserters will pay for your insolence."You took off running. I liked how you immediately took on the symbols of the flags and made it your own. It came off pretty passionately as well, when the sentence following it reinforced the vehement ignition of battle.
Just before, Dawn anticipated the battle and raided the weapons, retrieving ample amount to last her through the battle, which showed that her character was looking ahead, and preparing in her own way for the battle to come.
When you create as a writer, you want to keep in mind how the reader is going to interpret some of the things you mention. I’m going to use an example here, on how sometimes adding just a bit more information can make a big and sometimes subtle difference.
“Sam pet the cat, and smiled.”
“The fur on the cat’s head was sleek and looked soft, Sam reached her hand and stroked the cat’s back, the cat purred with warmth, and Sam smiled.”
The first one narrates only the action pertaining to Sam. In the second one, we are taken a bit more in depth, Sam’s motivation for petting the cat is included, there is subtle emotion described so that the reader can infer (with hopefully previous experience) what a cat feels like when you pet it. The end, two brief words, had they been taken from either of the examples would have deprived conclusion. In the second one, we know why Sam smiled, in the first one, the reader has to work for it a bit more, and there is an unpleasant sense of unknown.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Aside from the occasional switching of a word, I felt like you remained pretty concise in this category, your sentence structure was simple yet grounded, and with a bit of help you could
Quote:"Good thing I learned how to use a variety of weapons. [“]Before”There was a lack of quotation marks, accidental I believe, to break up her action and her dialogue.
Quote:”his appearance, or course.”It is my understanding you meant “of.”
Quote:Obviously he was a wizardI think the sentence would sound better with a comma after obviously, however I also wanted to suggest that if you italicized “obviously” it would come off with a bit more flavor, and sound like it was directly from Dawn’s thoughts.
Quote:catch pray is to lure the praysmall mistake, praying to god is different than a lion’s jaws closing around its prey.
Quote:About to use his aero”This is more of my own personal preference, but I know his move is named aero, but I couldn’t help feeling like instead of using the move name, you may have wanted to do a description, or not say it point blank. I didn’t mark you off for this one, but keep in mind some subtleties in narration can feel like metagaming, rather than what you want to be a clean and enticing match.
Quote:forcing him to stop and dodge: she was inAlmost always after colons, capitals are used because it is its own separate entity.
Quote:The wizards foot met hers with enough force to make her cringeapostrophe - wizard’s
Total Score: 8
Black Mage
First I wanted to say that you both did a wonderful job, but one of your rounds was posted late, so I had to apply the penalty at the end.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:With the ringing of a gong the battles begun and the Black Mage found himself hurling fireballs and launching daggers of ice at his foe, a young woman whose size belied her ferocity. Her opening movement was a quick dash towards the Black Mage, cutting from one side to another as he slung his spells but still relentlessly charging forward. As she came forward the girl hastily pulled out the colosseum bow and fired a volley of arrows.This was wonderfully put, I was immediately catapulted into the action.
Quote:”speed suffered enough that he had ample time to dodge, the Black Mage rushing to one of the nearby stone barricades”This part was brief, but well put.
Quote:As the swordswoman would charge she'd find a straight path would be a quick way to meet a lightning bolt's embrace.Battles aren’t all about action. Sometimes what defines the power of a punch, can be the reader knowing what is driving it. Don’t be afraid to delve into the mage’s inner motivations. Don’t be afraid to make the reader become more familiar with your character. It pays off when the reader can relate to the character or at least understand them enough to respect the character, or hold them to a high esteem. What makes being a jedi so desirable? It isn’t just that they have a connection with the force, but they have discipline and restraint, and it is evident that they know what honor they have to uphold.
Quote: Though the power of the bolt spell was quite intense the swords girl proved too elusive to take the direct force of it's blast, only suffering a small burn across her cheek. Angered by the pain of the display the swordsgirl accelerated her pace, pushing herself towards the Black Mage despite the dangers it posed, and came out without another scratch.Your word choice was good and varied here, and I felt like it added flavor to the action as well as the rest of the paragraph, which placed Black Mage as the focal point for action.
Voice: 3
Quote:Success was fleeting as soon she was perhaps ten meters away and firing another volley of arrows.”Distance is always a good detail, and helps for the reader to visualize what was going on. But I do think you could use some improvement in this category. I felt like I needed some ample definition from Black Mage’s perception. In Magus’s fight, he used his voice very well, and you could almost hear his character in every line.
Quote:The young girl was quick to shake off the shock of his advance and pain of being thrown at a stone wall, but the Black Mage had already started backpedaling,you have a lot of varied vocabulary going on. “backpedalling, suffering, throttling,” kind of added a nice tone to the overall effect.
Quote:Drawing closer and closer to the him the swordsgirl pushed forward, always a step quicker than his ice or fire. A simple chant enticed a change-up, allowing the Black Mage to fire a bolt of lightning that would hopefully hit it's mark.This was a brief moment of action, but I felt it was done very well, and set up for the next point of action in the post, which I thought was done flawlessly. (see below)
Quote:Needing to find a way out the Black Mage let down a heavy stomp of his left foot onto the swordsgirl's right foot, giving him just enough time to utter the incantation for "Aero", putting a gust of wind forward to launch the swordsgirl away. With the Black Mage's foot still stuck on hers however she didn't skid back or get thrown in the air, but rather found her body collapsing to the ground. Following her momentum the Black Mage led with his left forearm, pushing it over the swordsgirls throat as he fell atop her. Though he was the not the beefiest of the Warriors of Light by any stretch the move was not intended to be final, but rather a delaying tactic for his next attack
Quote:forward, across, and around they went, carving bit by bit out of Warrior of Light. It was impossible for him to tell the Black Mage could have sworn the crowd cheered as the ground beneath them was stained a scarlet hue, but he would have sworn they rejoiced in his pain...Though he was the not the beefiest of the Warriors of Light by any stretch the move was not intended to be final, but rather a delaying tactic for his next attack.In your last post, I felt closest to your character, because of the added descriptions to the setting, I felt like it was Black Mage and me against the world. Keep that up, and I think you’ll score better in this category next round.
"Water chilled, sharpened, strong. Ice!" He chanted as he thrust his right palm over her stomach. This fight would be over soon, one way or another.
Character: 2
I just wanted to say that you have a lot of awesome moves! I took a glance at your roster and was impressed with all the cool moves!
Quote:"Wind, flowing, never tame, throw my foe and give him pain. Aero!" The Warrior of Light spoke as his hands came together for a clap, a cyclone escaping his fingertips and pushing the barefoot swordsgirl, causing her to skid backwards before she came forward to press the attack once again.What makes up a character better than their traits and actions? Obviously, hella cool spell names. I liked it when you had BM cast this spell, because I felt like the abilities he used touched on the character’s strength. A little work could’ve been done to elaborate in this category, but with some effort and your character, you could soon find it easier to focus on this category more.
Both characters I felt lacked in this category as well. I didn’t get a good sense of who they were when I was reading, and that is why there was a lower score this category. More adjectives to define their personalities could have been used to improve the reader’s perception of the character, however, I personally would have liked to see Black mage (though mysterious) “recoil” at some of Dawnika’s words. When she called him a deserter, how did that effect BM? Did he feel insulted and even more motivated to take her down? Or had he been called worse?
Even if you don’t display a character’s personality openly, action, no matter how subtle, effects the reader and makes them more inclined to your character.
Story: 1.5
The tournament is a ruthless battlefield where Primes around the world come to kill eachother. It's scary, it's brutal, and it's cool. There was a lot of tension, but it could have unfolded differently, and more toward the reader.
I wasn’t impressed with the story in this match guys, there was some tension, but I felt it was really lacking and unpronounced. In place of story, I felt like you put some cool action, however in a really good fight, there is a balanced blend of plot/story, tension/drama, and action (cause and effect). Without a blend of this, the other things can seem off-balanced, or even lacking meaning. For an example of this, I’d like to mention that the plot and build up of a story can be crucial to the ending.
“The silver spoon was held wavering an inch before his mouth. Cupped inside, a crunchy mixture of milk and cornflakes. He hadn’t eaten in two days. He saw his warped reflection on the mirrored handle, it was pale and gaunt. He had circles below his eyes, which were feverish and glossy. The boy had been sick for three days before, and in his torso, his ribs had begun to stick out through is shirt. If he didn’t eat something soon -and hold it down- he would surely be put in the emergency room, or worse, starve to death.
He gulped and readied his willpower before he clenched his jaw and braced for the cold liquid substance that would soon drown his gullet. Nausea surged in his stomach. He repulsed, and dropped the spoon into the bowl. It splashed out on the table and the ceramic dish ware bounced before spinning back into stability. He felt like throwing up again, how could he even eat a single bite? The struggle was real, but he would triumph.
The boy’s knuckles turned white as they grasped the spoon once more. And with a vivid swing, his lips opened to down the cold swish of food. He crunched and swallowed and his swirling nausea immediately subsided. He had triumphed, so he took another bite.”
Like in the description of this category, I went with breakfast. The story had a beginning and an end, but it didn’t exactly start with the ‘gong’ so to speak. It starts with emotion and character.
In order to build, there were people in other matches who used interaction and dialogue to aid them, others used their character’s motivations to win. All in all, you can use those tactics and the above suggestions to improve the consistency of building a plot that suits this setting, and having your character woven in can really enhance the quality.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
Aside from the occasional lack of comma (which I think in this case was a style choice) I barely noticed any mistakes. Commas help the reader pause where you want them to, and motion when something should be short, fast paced, choppy, broken up, or otherwise separate. Keep an eye for those and you should be good.
Quote:”Despite her quick feet the arrows “There should have been a comma to separate or create a pause for the reader between “Despite her quick feet, the arrows.”
Quote:”Looking over his cover for a moment he spotted”Same with this one.
Quote:Silently [,]the Black Mage wondered to himself what magic he would have to learn to mimic such skill and alacrity, but such thoughts were wasted in the heat of the moment.
Quote:In the time The Black Mage had taken to summon her thoughts Dawnika was upon him,The above, instead of “her” black mage, to my understanding is a male. When you speak in pronouns, they should correlate to the character that was spoken about just before the mention of the pronoun.
Total score: 12.5 x late penalty .667 = 8.34
The Winner is Black Mage!