Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Gamzee Vs. Strazio

A few notes: on grammar, you were about neck and neck, so I graded it as about the same. Both contestants had errors.

Both also never ceased ANY action. Gamzee’s narration was entertaining, and Strazio brought the shit. Both had supplied ample action, and I didn’t feel either was one-sided. This match got pretty close for me guys. It was a very difficult decision for me.

Gamzee
Special note: you had a strong beginning, and a strong ending. The originality of the post and your ideas really showed.

"Description and Clarity: 3

squeezing tightly and constricting his flow of air. Without warning, the batshit-crazy clown uses all this momentum to commence an acrobatic fucking pirouette with his legs still tangled around the poor guy’s throat.


Style sometimes impacts this category, and narration has a part in here as well. Word choice heavily weighs on this part, and I think you did a very good job. I don’t think Gamzee’s narration got too much in the way of you conveying all the clear movements to the reader. A few flamboyant “fucking’s” did seem to touch on whether or not those were necessary, but I thought it added a certain flavor to the writing style, rather than seeing them as obstacles in the sentence/text.

You show your actions clearly,

“The crowd has frenzied, a maddening roar crescendoing at how the tables have turned in an instant.”

But due to narration it isn’t always consistent, or seems broken up by dialogue and erupting action. Hone this skill a little better (stick voice and clarity together) and I think you’ll have a clear dominance over whoever your opponent may be.

Voice: 3
Your style and narration were extremely strong, and impacted this category potently. Lots of swears in and out of dialogue, however I think that goes along with certain aspects of the source material (homestuck) and character details. The humor you implemented was a surprise to me, but a pleasant one!

Then, he proceeds to watch in horror as the cap comes undone, spewing shaken up fruity miracles all over the opposing fighter’s clothes. The bottle bounces harmlessly off of the fighter’s head.

“Oh! Oh shit motherfucker, I’m so hella motherfucking sorry!”

I would not have laughed out loud, but the extra “hella” did it for me. I don’t even know what a Wicked Elixir is.

and it could feel him feeling it, but he didn’t go anywhere. Gamzee just withstood the pain, not really being propelled upward or outward or anywhereward. It was a miracle.

A really shitty, really agonizing one.

The clown however, did feel compelled to go downward. The alien teenager falls prey to gravity, sinking to his knees before finally collapsing onto the dry earth.”

I liked how you delved deep into the descriptions of what he was feeling, as well as stayed more or less consistent with the capacity of narration by your character.

“They just kept getting back up. The troll was just wearing himself out at this point.”

Don’t be afraid to really lay on the desperation. You guys had an intense fight, and I felt like there was some untapped potential where Gamzee’s reactions could have been played up, or used in an extremely entertaining way (catering) to the reader, when Gamzee seemed like he was facing an impossible challenge.

The young troll thinks his eyebrows got singed off. With a groan induced from aching bones, he pulls himself from the dusty ground.

Here it was again touched on, but I wanted to feel the really gritty parts of the fight.

Meanwhile this was very nicely framed, I loved the context, and you gave a great image to the reader without drawing too much attention from the subtleties of the sentence and context.

They just kept getting back up. The troll was just wearing himself out at this point. Seeing a brief but obvious opening, he tosses one club into the air. Amethyst eyes sparkling with murderous intent, Gamzee knocks the zombie’s block off with a two handed strike before catching the momentarily discarded juggling pin with a flourish and a bow.


Voice involves flow, so I wanted to touch on

“reaching around his back to (somewhat awkwardly) “

Parenthesis usually stagger the flow, or sentence when used. If you look around, though I know you included them to separate the thought/add a bit more to the sentence, you will find that most people haven’t used them in their battles. Instead, people will use -something like this- which comes across more effectively. I wanted to suggest that in the future, not just for your fights, but for the overall interaction in your posts to come.

Character: 4
Gamzee comes off as flamboyant, and his definite character certainly plays into the plot that continues in the posts to come. The way his character can’t quite pick up on the fact that they’re in a death match, and is so very “chill” about his perception of it comes off very nicely to the reader, and not at all abrasive. He’s amusing, funny, and probably even a little zany. As a reader and the audience, I ate it up.

The contrast between Strazio’s professional air about him, as well as Gamzee’s nonchalant vibe was awesome for the both of you, and enhanced the battle for me. You both deserved a great score in this category.
Later, I liked seeing Gamzee’s motivations, first referenced with Adam, his friend, then er... Mistress? Guu.

“Can’t keep down the Clown, bro,” Clown in question says, chuckling to himself. “Mistress Guu will never forgive me if I fail here. I’m representing her and Ambrosia. I’m fighting for something higher than you, bro-”

This was ah.. interesting? I do think it distinguished your character a bit, however I was left a little befuddled, I assumed it was because your character has the High-Blood.

With a spine tingling cackle, the High-Blood begins to bust a gut. In his revelry, he coughs up some royal blood.

It tastes so good...

Story: 4
From the beginning, I was hitched onto the irregular turn of events. Your character felt so original and I got a distinctive underdog kind of vibe from him. The whole fruit drink share, that turned into a more accidental disrespected gesture from him was utterly amusing, and it captured my attention and kept it in the following post, where Straz picked up on it as well.

”Ada-

Oh.

Ouch.”

Um, I thought this was funny, I’m sorry I laughed at Gamzee’s pain.


Grammar and Spelling: 2

Its finite, this feeling.

I think there was meant to be an apostrophe there. It is finite, this feeling. Sounded explanatory.

Before much else can transpire, the clown miracalizes his Deuce Clubs into existence again from wherever the motherfuck they come from, and proceeds to sprint for the nearest piece of cover-

before tripping and falling into a jagged crack in the Earth.

I wasn’t sure why you made this a separate paragraph (I assumed to draw attention to it) but anything that is a separate paragraph should be capitalized, even when it is in this kind of narration.

(contrastingly, you did it here correctly.)

Gamzee hoots in excitement, aiming to finish this battle in one fell swoop and-

Ah shit!

~A suggestion~ There was a part where you wrote “Trapped... So motherfucking trapped.” I wanted to suggest that “trapped” be the only thing italicized, but I’m sure you played around with it a bit and did what you wanted. I just thought it made more emphasis on the word (not that you needed it).

Here, I think you meant fist:

Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fast also flies into the dirt beside his face”

There’s also a space for an optional comma, after “fist after fist” and I personally think it would have prevented this very accidental typo.

Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fast also flies into the dirt beside his face because the insane High-Blood is too busy laughing to care about where his punches end up. The ground tends to hurt his hands a lot more than the face.

This part came off as a bit odd to me. I would have phrased it a bit differently. I personally would have altered the tenses, but narration and style keeps it present.

“Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fist flies into the dirt beside his[be more clear, that it was Straz’s] face and because[I may not have used ‘because’] the insane High-Blood is[was] too busy laughing to care about where his punches end up, the ground tended* to hurt his hands a lot more than the face.” I’m not sure I “fixed” it, but I think the flow was just a bit jarring on that one.

Another punch connects; a deluge of blood erupts from the kid’s nose, showering the both of them in crimson splotches.

this is more preference, but I would have put a “and” or a comma to show cause and effect, rather than a semi-colon, as I’m not sure that was so accurately placed. Semi colons are more to put two separate entities (that could each be sentences) together.

You did it here very similarly,

“Grabbing the feisty little fuck by his shirt collar, the Troll rears back before headbutting the shit out of this scrub, right between the eyes.”

Total Score: 16



Strazio:
Special note: your word choice and rich vocabulary really showed. Both you and Gamzee have a wonderful dynamic, and I suggest you write with him again, as I was impressed by both of what you brought to the table.

"Description and Clarity: 4

“*CRACK*”

During and throughout the fight your descriptions were consistent, and very precise. You really tend to thrive in this category, and it gives you an extra edge against your opponent, as this category helps establish a foundation for all of those that follow. While its a soft preference that you put the bolded word above in italics, I felt it actually conveyed some dramatic impact on the reader when not done superfluously. Sasuke did this in DA, and I felt it to add to the flavor of his posts. It kind of shouted out “hey, look at this!” and I think while it snags attention, it also shows the reader -when framed correctly- how powerful a single word can be, when you realize that it is a verb, and can “crack” can also be used as an adjective. The reader hears a “craaack” or a long, groaning “creeeaaaak” when an old door is opened in a scary story. It’s similar to that, and bypasses some way over-influenced sentences that can get flamboyant. Keeping it simple works, especially with your style.

Oh, and there was this:

It wasn't broken, at least not completely, but the throbbing pain certainly felt like Gamzee had shattered the poor bone. He stumbled to the side, trying to keep his weight on his uninjured leg.

And these, where there was no lack of vision:

A shower of sparks washed over Gamzee, the charged particles bit greedily into his flesh like a thousand red-hot pinpricks.

A veritable storm of strikes crashed into Strazio's face like so many numbing thunderbolts. His nose spewed a deluge of blood and his mouth tasted like a pool of copper. Thoughts and plans were battered away as fast as they came from Gamzee's whirlwind of punches. The withering series of strikes left Strazio's mind in a state of stupor. Finally the troll relented,

I enjoyed the style and word choice that you used, I found it rich and mainly consistent when you were describing the actions of both Gamzee and Strazio. Good work in this category.

Voice: 4
You have a great voice. I also appreciated when you immediately adapted to Gamzee’s purple dialogue, and I felt you understood the character enough to enhance him. While this doesn’t really count toward voice super officially, I thought it would be nice to note that the diverse styles that you can adapt to while remaining consistent, was a nice display of skill.

You alternated between very vivid and more simple sentences and created a nice flow for yourself and the story all together.

”A flash of steel and blood preceded a line of painful fire carved into Strazio’s back.”

Was a nice display of simple finesse that I felt like you delivered throughout the fight.

Character: 4
Reaction.

This part was seamlessly great:

Gamzee’s words were nothing but static to the livid mage, bright white sparks of rage jumped across Strazio’s scarred body.

(SN: I put some impacting quotes that would have gone here into voice and story instead.)

Throughout the story, Strazio continued to keep up with Gamzee's witty banter, and then some. Strazio's character, though it is opposite, provides a great use of a foil in this sort of rival situation. His character later brings in some great material during the end of the fight, touching on his motivations, will to live, and what it means to survive. I felt both Gamzee and Strazio were equal in this category for different reasons, because their characters contrasted so much, but they both remained distinguished and did it well.

Story: 4
Your story started very small, and then grew, emphasized perhaps by contrast, to have an unimaginably powerful effect.

For an ephemeral moment Strazio had the strength of a bear. The troll pushed against the super-charged mage, trying to keep him pinned. The two sat deadlocked, their bodies quivering at the strain levied against eachother. The energy that juiced his muscles began to fade and Strazio knew he had one last chance to break free. He gritted his teeth together, almost grinding them to dust, as he pushed against the troll. The final surge of strength allowed Strazio to peel the troll from his winning position. Gamzee stumbled back as the mage pushed with incredible force. Strazio stumbled back to his feet. His muscle tissue was now ravaged from the destructive energy that powered his burst of strength.

In this category, I felt you got inventive, but had lacked a bit. Your reactions were good, like when Gamzee threw the drink at you, and in the above I finally felt like it started to get moving and felt more climatic. The above is a good demonstration of motivation, I felt like it gradually inclined throughout your three posts, but was less evident in your first one.

I felt like it got better halfway through your second post when I felt more inclined to his action when this was displayed.

“The Necronomicon felt like a heavy answer strapped to Strazio's side. He hadn't used it before, but now seemed as good a time as any. The book was unclasped from its holster and the mage held it in front of his face. He couldn't read the profane words scrawled within, but he knew their purpose.”

This part got really epic and action-y

”Dark energies swirled around the book as Strazio called upon the corrupted power. From the ground three corpses dressed in tattered battle regalia crawled from their earthen tombs. The Colosseum was not built upon a graveyard, but the memories of the Deserters mixed with the twisted will of the Necromonicon forme the undead warriors. “

Also, you linked me to your move page, and I thought you had a lot of good ones to work with. “Fodder” like that can get fun when both sides use the moves for interaction based things. I felt like you kept up with that okay.

He promised to be the savior of Darkshire and now he was going to be killed by some second-rate clown? Unthinkable. Pain was nothing, and these injuries were nothing compared to the bitter sting of defeat.

I felt like you really showed your character’s motivation at the end, and that is usually where I prefer to see the whole “triumph” thing come into play. Victory is supposed to feel hard and worked for. Both characters/writers did a great job of displaying the grueling effort they put into the fight. Strazio continued this strong motivation throughout his last post, JUST like Gamzee did, (when Gamzee brought in the people who motivated him).

Against the devastating impact Strazio yelped in pain, but did not stop moving. He clamored to his feet and stood only a few paces from Gamzee. Strazio’s shattered arm hung limp and distended at his side, blood covered the fighter, but he was still alive and for that he grinned.

This part you really had my attention. It was captured, hook, line, and sinker. This part for me tipped the scales, and had it not been included, I believe the outcome of the fight would have been different.

“Sorry... I’ve got a promise to keep,”

A roiling blast of destructive energy slammed into Gamzee’s chest sending him skidding away. Strazio’s body had been consumed by the burning energy. Every pain nerve flared to life and the mage gritted his teeth in acceptance of the agony. His hatred and fury far outweighed the pain of broken bones and bruised organs.

I could taste the desperation. And that was more than enough.

Grammar and Spelling: 1
“Irritated” This word hung on a hinge with me, and I would have liked to see a period after it, however I think I saw the purpose to kind of lead in an explain the thought and idea, my preference and the definitive conclusion brought with a period would have made the singular word more complete.

Unfortunately fate was never kind to the poor man,

I would have liked to see a comma after unfortunately, as it separates and kind of explains the following sentence, which would be an ample sort of “excerpt.” [/quote]

Without skipping a beat the troll flipped into the air and rocketed down towards Strazio.

Same after “without skipping a beat,”

“Come on bro, stop running[,!]” Gamzee shouted.

You’d want a mark of some sort there as well.

“Yeah, a real fuckin' scary one” Strazio

Comma or period after ‘one.’

opponent “plus you’ve done a terrible thing today. You’ve made me absolutely livid.”

after opponent there should be a comma. Duuuudeee! <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html">http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html</a><!-- m -->
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I was thorough with my research, and even tried to confirm with another judge to get a second opinion. A comma IS needed before a quote.

The avatar’s grin disappeared and he spoke [,]“you think you know rage?”

Total Score: 17

The winner is Strazio!