Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Kakashi V. Shulk

Shulk never posted, so he receives a 0 but it is still a good idea for Kakashi to look at his scores and see what he can improve on in the future battles. Sorry your first round was uneventful... But you did a nice job! Here goes.

Description and Clarity: 2.5
I’m not a huge fan of decimals, but I think they have their purpose. Throughout the battle, I felt a slight sway in consistency during the middle post, and while I think you did a good job explaining what was going on, I think it could have been a bit better. During the last post, (quoted last in this section) I felt a noticeable improvement on this category. For the future, add a bit of passion to the moves, intensity driven moves can be so much more effective, and sometimes the quality and effect will show off Kakashi’s sense even more. While this does have a little less to do with this category, I felt because it pertained to the moves I would put the suggestion here.

The swordsman smirked, this time instead swinging his blade laterally as the missiles neared. Kakashi tumbled sideways behind the cover of a nearby barricade as his shuriken were sent flying back in his direction.

This was a good example of a clean description. However I felt as though it were lacking some of the “passion” I listed above. (You didn’t exactly have an ‘enemy’ so I don’t blame you, but I’m just trying to be helpful for your future battles!)

Being that he had quickly burned through a large amount of chakra in his last assault, the sharingan-wielder opted to stay put, bringing his blade before his chest in a defensive pose. Steel met steel once more as the younger slashed at the elder, his blows failing to reach their mark. Sensing the opportunity to barrel down on the obviously worn-out warrior, the blonde boy redoubled his efforts, swinging wildly at any opening.

Your word choice was ON POINT here. I liked “steel met steel” as well as the later phrasing. Concise and accurate, nothing less from the famed Kakashi.

The shinobi swordsman winced as the instrument tore into his flesh, springing backward and out of the crimson combatant’s range. He quickly examined the damage, surprised at what little damage the direct hit had dealt.

This part was clear as well. You put it so well that his hit was rather weak, but you didn’t put it so bluntly as to dumb it down. I found this savory, and well-framed. Nice work.

As expected, Shulk swung his formidable blade eagerly, meeting his opponent’s exposed right shoulder with the ferocity of a butcher. The crimson blade dug painfully into his flesh, tearing at the muscle beneath.

You spoke of the target, and the blade’s destination. It was well done, however more elaboration on how it was clutched, or some of his stance could have painted a cool setting too.

reached his arm across his chest, left hand immediately clamping on his sword-bearing wrist. Grunting in pain, Kakashi wrenched the blonde boy’s arm upward, freeing his blade from the wound. Without missing a beat, the shinobi threw his left shoulder forward, staggering the boy. Keeping a firm grip on the lad’s wrist, the ninja threw a savage haymaker, slugging him square in the stomach

This was my favorite part! I found it vivid and the movement easy to comprehend.

Voice: 4
Your flow was excellent.

The silver-haired shinobi stood calmly in the dusty arena, the enormous flag at his back. He couldn’t deny how fitting his role was in this act; he had served a ‘kingdom’ in the Land of Fire before most children had learned to tie their shoes. Though truthfully, he didn’t care much which ‘side’ he represented.

During this part, I got an immediate sense of Kakashi. I found his presence really intriguing, however I was left wanting to know more.

The shinobi captain would need to be more careful with his techniques; going in for a melee assault seemed foolhardy after watching his foe’s evident skill with a blade.

You were very character-balanced, and I think it was nice how you didn’t so blatantly flaunt Kakashi as super powerful, it came off as “down to earth” for me, and it was appealing.

His eyes narrowed as the teenager rushed toward the shinobi, his now lengthened blade poised to bear down upon him. The scarecrow stood firm in the face of this showcase, confident in his kenjutsu skill. As the burning blade bore down, the masked ninja sprang sideways, strafing to avoid the boy’s now nearly 8-foot reach. The blade made contact with Kakashi’s shoulder, burning painfully as he pulled away. The beam sword continued it’s path, hissing as it ground into the dirt. Without missing a beat, Shulk quickly dodged right, skillfully avoiding the strike of his assailant’s narrower blade.

This part was exciting AND clear. I loved the action and clarity, however I felt like more perspective could have been added from Kakashi’s point of view.

How? Well, I have two suggestions for you. 1. Go look at Magus’s fight, he ALWAYS does a good lens for his character, and I think it is because he has a good understanding of him.

2. What would kakashi think? You did a good job conveying this in italics, but I saw some opportunities where you could have placed in some things like how Kakashi once trained the kids of the village (though I’m not sure if that is when you took kakashi from as I am not too knowledgable in the series) I still thought a bit more could be seen from his point of view. Still, this didn’t effect the score, and I think you have a great writing voice. You excel very well in action scenes. Keep it up.

brandishing his katana with lethal intent.

and this sentence gave you a good edge. *puns*


Character: 2.5
In the above, I mentioned a few places where you could grow. However, it is hard to grow when you don’t have much to compare to, and you have to speak for both character’s actions. I don’t have much to say in this category, other than that I like Kakashi’s character, and was left wanting to see more of what he was capable of, in the future, I want to see how strong he is when he tastes blood on his teeth, and feels the slow burn of fatigue tracing along his-- Anyway, desperation builds character, and that’s how I would start when pronouncing this category more. Keep up the pacing in this category, and instead of focusing on consistency *GASP* I suggest focus on motivation, or touching on Kakashi’s flaws. There were some good parts that I felt you created with dialogue between Shulk and him, so that is a good place to establish this as well.

You also introduced Kakashi in a very cool way.

Story: 2
You did well in this category considering you had less to work with. Like it says above, I like your character, and I like your voice, however I felt like there was less of an opportunity for you to shine because you didn’t have a challenge to defeat. In DA, I remember Vincent seemed like he had a bit of an edge, and the grappling motivation to win against so many skilled competitors. This is the same, and I’d like to see a bit more with Kakashi before the time is out!

My suggestion: Your character’s intrigue and voice compliment one another so very nicely, slowly build on that, and I’m sure the outcome with a little drama/plot will enhance every category tremendously.

There were subtleties that added flavor and enhanced the story of Kakashi’s character with intrigue, “

“And do I get to see your face, Kakashi?”

and I think because you area already strong in that category, it’ll be easier to move the focus on him a little bit.

Downside to my suggestion: During a fight there is action, and less of an opening to delve into backstories and things alike. Keep it calm, cool, and collected, and Kakashi’s traits will speak for themselves when he meets a formidable adversary.

Grammar and Spelling: 4
No complaints on this category, you did above average. Your voice and attention to detail kept you from having barely, if any, errors. Your flow was superb.

The shinobi captain would need to be more careful with his techniques; going in for a melee assault seemed foolhardy after watching his foe’s evident skill with a blade.

Instead of a semi colon (which isn’t necessarily wrong) I would have just said something like “but” or “however.”

I’m seeing a lot of cause and effect sentences.

”he spoke calmly, raising his sword before him.”

And a little diversity doesn’t help (you kept it pretty diverse, this is just a small suggestion as I notice it in a few other fights. I like the use of the tense because it kept it from being repetitive).

Total: 15

The winner is Kakashi!