10-20-2015, 08:41 PM
Colosseum - Round 1, Group A - Ruby Rose vs Wakka
Ruby Rose
Description & Clarity: 3
You’ve got a clear, solid style of description that isn’t over muddled with long words or pomp. Your character has a lot of acrobatics and crazy maneuvers, which could easily get confusing fast, but you held it together pretty skillfully. I didn’t find myself re-reading your posts, which is a great sign.
What could have been overly confusing and complicated came out smooth, simple, and dramatic in your very first paragraph:
Voice: 2
I could tell it was you writing, and it certain lent itself to your character, but it also didn’t pop out specifically as part of the character or you. It was a good writing style that matched you, and in subtle ways spoke to the reader your character, but if you were writing in the same style as a different character, I’m not sure I would notice a difference.
It can be hard to nail that kind of balance with a character, but focus on word choice and the movement of the words and how they align with your character’s personality, mood, and goals.
Character: 2
Ruby was certainly IN THERE, and you had a few moments of characterization, especially in her fighting style. However, we didn’t really get to know her very well, and I felt myself wanting to know more about her. It can be easy to lose characterization in a combat scenario, but there are plenty of ways you can show us who she is.
What I did see of the character I liked, and I’m sure that if I was more familiar with the source material I could see how she would fit right in. But, in general, assume your audience has no idea who these people are.
Story: 3
Your fighting style was really, really cool. I felt myself joyfully imagining your character flying all around the arena, and that on its own was an entertaining take on the situation.
I felt like you might have banged her up all at once, but it was an interesting barrage of things happening, and if you had had a third post to play with I can see how that might have come around.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar is clean, legible, and free of errors. Everything that I’m gonna talk about is about REFINING an already proficient craft, so keep that in mind as you read me nagging.
Watch your elipses! They are everywhere. Especially beyond your first post, you leaned on them heavily as a pacing crutch! You don’t need them, you’re way better than needing them. I’ll use an example from your first post:
At best, this ellipsis was unnecessary, at worst it was a strange selection that broke up the flow of your post:
Also, your paragraphs could use a bit of breaking up, especially when they have embedded dialogue.
Might have better served as:
Take into consideration the run-on right after Ruby’s question too. Without editing it, I left it in one paragraph, but it could have easily looked like:
Is it nit-picky? Yes. Is it true? I think most will agree, “Yes.”
Total: 13
Wakka
Description & Clarity: 3
Everything in your posts was clear and concise, well-illustrated and conceptualized, and you made sure the reader know what was going on. However, in a constrained arena, I feel like some of your stronger descriptions had to get chopped. I’ve seen your descriptive ability, but I felt like a lot of it was missing out of necessity.
It felt to me like there was a struggle between exposition, beautiful detail and moving the scene forward with just 750 words to play with, but you managed to strike a good balance.
Voice: 4
You standard quality of humor is present, even if it is a bit more subdued in the writing, with examples like this:
Your narrative really includes the character’s perspective without vomiting exposition all over the page, which is really nice to see. I can catch glimpses of his perspective without it overshadowing the movement of the story.
Your word choice and the way you choose to put in certain elements of the character really drive your Voice home, just as strong as it is in Deadpool, if totally different.
Character: 3
Wakka is a really interesting character, and you really brought him out for us to see. The way he entered the fight, the way he participated, and the exposition that you levied all let me feel like I know who Wakka was as a character. It was good work.
I do feel like some of the dialogue and the inner monologue he had felt a little forced, but I think that can be contributed to him being a newer character. Once you get a little spring in your step, you’ll certainly nail it.
Story: 2
I think there was a decent back and forth here. If anything, I wish there had been more opportunity to play with the idea of the Blitzball and the complex ways it can be used and I especially wish that you had been given more of a chance to interplay some of the character’s strengths and weaknesses into the fight.
A lot of your posts were eaten up by exposition, which made some of your action feel rushed, and diminished the impact of some of your drama. It might have something to do with only having two posts out, but for the most part I was more entertained by the character himself than by what was happening.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar was clean and fluent. I had a couple snags here and there, but it was overall pretty good. Here are some nitpicky details:
Watch out for little errors with comma placement, like this:
You also reused a few words here and there, and that really stands out with peculiar or specific words like “gander.” Not a huge deal, but it’s noticeable.
Total: 15
It was a close fight, you two.
Ruby Rose
Description & Clarity: 3
You’ve got a clear, solid style of description that isn’t over muddled with long words or pomp. Your character has a lot of acrobatics and crazy maneuvers, which could easily get confusing fast, but you held it together pretty skillfully. I didn’t find myself re-reading your posts, which is a great sign.
What could have been overly confusing and complicated came out smooth, simple, and dramatic in your very first paragraph:
Quote: With a swift, sharp flick of her wrist, the crimson rectangle smoothly shifted its form; a handle swept out the bottom, a barrel extended out the front, a bolt followed the same mechanism at the side and a scope emerged from the top.
Voice: 2
I could tell it was you writing, and it certain lent itself to your character, but it also didn’t pop out specifically as part of the character or you. It was a good writing style that matched you, and in subtle ways spoke to the reader your character, but if you were writing in the same style as a different character, I’m not sure I would notice a difference.
It can be hard to nail that kind of balance with a character, but focus on word choice and the movement of the words and how they align with your character’s personality, mood, and goals.
Character: 2
Ruby was certainly IN THERE, and you had a few moments of characterization, especially in her fighting style. However, we didn’t really get to know her very well, and I felt myself wanting to know more about her. It can be easy to lose characterization in a combat scenario, but there are plenty of ways you can show us who she is.
What I did see of the character I liked, and I’m sure that if I was more familiar with the source material I could see how she would fit right in. But, in general, assume your audience has no idea who these people are.
Story: 3
Your fighting style was really, really cool. I felt myself joyfully imagining your character flying all around the arena, and that on its own was an entertaining take on the situation.
I felt like you might have banged her up all at once, but it was an interesting barrage of things happening, and if you had had a third post to play with I can see how that might have come around.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar is clean, legible, and free of errors. Everything that I’m gonna talk about is about REFINING an already proficient craft, so keep that in mind as you read me nagging.
Watch your elipses! They are everywhere. Especially beyond your first post, you leaned on them heavily as a pacing crutch! You don’t need them, you’re way better than needing them. I’ll use an example from your first post:
At best, this ellipsis was unnecessary, at worst it was a strange selection that broke up the flow of your post:
Quote: It'd been quite some time since she last participated in a real fight... but her pride could only deny a loss.
Also, your paragraphs could use a bit of breaking up, especially when they have embedded dialogue.
Quote: Her right eye gazed analytically down the shimmering scope, the glass magnifying her opponent. His expression was one of bewilderment, as if he wasn't aware of the situation he had thrown himself into... with a pitiful expression, Ruby slammed the bolt of the rifle back and firmly pulled the trigger, launching a screaming, white bullet from the barrel and narrowly over the golden wave atop the ball-player's head. She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?" She asked, and as if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape, before he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby. With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Might have better served as:
Quote: Her right eye gazed analytically down the shimmering scope, the glass magnifying her opponent. His expression was one of bewilderment, as if he wasn't aware of the situation he had thrown himself into.
With a pitiful expression, Ruby slammed the bolt of the rifle back and firmly pulled the trigger, launching a screaming, white bullet from the barrel and narrowly over the golden wave atop the ball-player's head.
She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?" she asked, and as if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape, before he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby.
With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Take into consideration the run-on right after Ruby’s question too. Without editing it, I left it in one paragraph, but it could have easily looked like:
Quote: She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?"Both of the examples above have their own pace and their own canter, and learning how to harness that rhythm is part of maximizing your writing quality.
As if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape and he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby. With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Is it nit-picky? Yes. Is it true? I think most will agree, “Yes.”
Total: 13
Wakka
Description & Clarity: 3
Everything in your posts was clear and concise, well-illustrated and conceptualized, and you made sure the reader know what was going on. However, in a constrained arena, I feel like some of your stronger descriptions had to get chopped. I’ve seen your descriptive ability, but I felt like a lot of it was missing out of necessity.
It felt to me like there was a struggle between exposition, beautiful detail and moving the scene forward with just 750 words to play with, but you managed to strike a good balance.
Voice: 4
You standard quality of humor is present, even if it is a bit more subdued in the writing, with examples like this:
Quote: She had almost stripped him of the balls that really mattered, leaving a clean cut on his trousers, which ran from between his legs up to his belt buckle.
Your narrative really includes the character’s perspective without vomiting exposition all over the page, which is really nice to see. I can catch glimpses of his perspective without it overshadowing the movement of the story.
Quote: She preferred Machina—fancy hoo-ha technology, forsaken by Yevon’s teachings—and wielded it like a true devil.
Your word choice and the way you choose to put in certain elements of the character really drive your Voice home, just as strong as it is in Deadpool, if totally different.
Character: 3
Wakka is a really interesting character, and you really brought him out for us to see. The way he entered the fight, the way he participated, and the exposition that you levied all let me feel like I know who Wakka was as a character. It was good work.
I do feel like some of the dialogue and the inner monologue he had felt a little forced, but I think that can be contributed to him being a newer character. Once you get a little spring in your step, you’ll certainly nail it.
Story: 2
I think there was a decent back and forth here. If anything, I wish there had been more opportunity to play with the idea of the Blitzball and the complex ways it can be used and I especially wish that you had been given more of a chance to interplay some of the character’s strengths and weaknesses into the fight.
A lot of your posts were eaten up by exposition, which made some of your action feel rushed, and diminished the impact of some of your drama. It might have something to do with only having two posts out, but for the most part I was more entertained by the character himself than by what was happening.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar was clean and fluent. I had a couple snags here and there, but it was overall pretty good. Here are some nitpicky details:
Watch out for little errors with comma placement, like this:
Quote: This was no Blitzball tournament—there were no goals, no scoreboard, and no giant water bubble, containing the competitors. Not even a damn referee.You could have included the “not even…” line into the previous sentence with a comma.
You also reused a few words here and there, and that really stands out with peculiar or specific words like “gander.” Not a huge deal, but it’s noticeable.
Total: 15
It was a close fight, you two.
WINNER: WAKKA
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.