10-19-2015, 09:20 PM
Colosseum - Round 1, Group B - Kopaka vs Ururu Kyuuei
Hey folks, just due to the nature of my available time, part of this review will be sort of abbreviated. I got to “most of” Ururu’s side of the fight before I was consumed whole by “adulthood,” so you’ll notice that part of the review is longer. Sorry about that, Kopaka.
If either of you would like a more in-depth C&C of the fight, I’ll offer you one when the competition is over and I have a bit more time to get it to you.
Kopaka
Description & Clarity: 3
I found that your description was very clear and easy to understand. There was substance in it, and I found it easy to slip into the story as you told it. There were only a rare few moments when I found myself having re-read what was written, and you did a whole lot of SHOWING us the action, with just a few splatterings of exposition so that we could understand the dynamics of his masks and powers.
If I was to point to an area to improve on, it would likely be to remind you to pace your writing. Slow down the slow moments with rich detail, and speed up the fast ones by sheering the fat. Also, I think you’d benefit from a more diligent search for the right word in some cases, as sometimes the verbiage just seemed a little out of place.
Overall, great job.
Voice: 2
You certainly have a way of makignthe more “alien” characters seem both strange and somehow still relatable. The Toa must think so differently than humans do, and at least part of that oddity is distilled into your writing style. It seems, in a way, distant, like a creature observing another with a sort of strange lack of empathy.
I think you can push this a bit harder though, making your word choice and delivery even more ridged, flexible, or whatever it is that you’re aiming for. The presence of your Voice can’t be denied, but it didn’t pop off the page at me either.
Character: 2
Kopaka is a REALLY cool character concept in general. The fact that he’s just an inherently cool idea doesn’t score you a ton of points here, because it’s more about characterization than it is concept, but I just really have to say I love the idea.
I feel like we got SOME of who Kopaka is as a person in this writing, and I liked what I did see. Again, a fight is an inherently difficult place to try and incorporate character, but by making the scene less about punching and more about personality, you can still drive a compelling narrative.
As I said, what there was in terms of character was really enjoyable, there just wasn’t much of it.
Story: 3
The back and forth that you illustrated was really fun and on point. You took hits, and those hits had consequences. You drove the story forward, and never gave up on a chance to drive things onward instead of looking back.
I like the way that you used your opponent’s moves and skillset as a centerpiece to your own action, as it really displayed your ability to make all of the different pieces of the puzzle fit.
I might look for a little more of a personal “journey” for the character, seeing changes in thoughts and attitudes, but overall, really great stuff.
Grammar: 3
You did really well here, and most of my complaints are fine-tuning rather than big obvious things.
Your paragraphs are chunky, and could probably use a bit of trimming down. Really try to distill each paragraph with only one concept, and use the breaks in text to help you dictate your reader’s flow. You occasionally threw in one-line paragraphs here and there, which next to your bigger ones seemed really oddly out of place.
Your first post was mostly devoid of your big paragraphs, but the remaining two saw you fall back into the habit.
Total: 13
Ururu Kyuuei
Description & Clarity: 2
I found myself usually fairly easy to see what Ururu was doing, and the movement you integrated into your posts was fun! Overall, I think you did pretty well making it clear exactly what was happening.
There is a lot of “telling” instead of showing. I would say that the majority of your writing is exposition, which really leaves the reader on sort of dry ride through the scene if there isn’t a strong inner-conflict to really push it along. Choosing when and where to use a lot of exposition can be a really hard choice to make, but I think that erring on the side of SHOWING the audience what is happening as opposed to explaining it outright would do you much better.
Some of the scenes of complex action are also a little muddled for me, like this maneuver:
I read that through several times, and its still a bit hard for me to visualize what’s going on in that scene.
The same goes for a lot of the flipping back and forth between the “clones,” which is largely an aspect of my limited understanding of how that actually works. It was undoubtedly difficult to show us how that complex system of conscious transference worked in these short posts, but I definitely found myself confused, especially in the last post.
However, the inner life of Ururu is really interesting, so the opportunity you’ve granted us with the exposition to see inside her head gave us a few glimpses into her thoughts and feelings that we might not have otherwise gleaned. I think a mix of your strong internal monologue along with more physical description and practice as slowly and clearly explaining complicated moves will serve you really well.
Voice: 2
You have your own style, and it does come through your writing. I think the major downfall of us hearing your writing voice is that such a large amount of your writing is exposition that it doesn’t quite give us the chance to really get a taste of what words, details and facets of your writing you focus on.
Many writers on the site prefer a strong expositional style, and sometimes that can lead into a strong Voice, but I think you just need a little more time getting comfortable with word choice and getting your style rolling for your Voice to come through stronger.
Character: 2
Ururu is a cool character concept. I feel like a lot of her character was sort of obfuscated by the action of the scene, but there were a few missed opportunities that you could have taken to really show us what she’s all about as a person (or group of people?)
A common theme with a lot of writers is that they sort of assume that the reader knows their character. While you shouldn’t introduce your character every new thread, you should incorporate some of their quirks and strong themes to really let us know who they are as people.
You did show us a lot of her mindset through, which I think could really turn her into a super interesting character to watch. If you SHOWED us more what she was thinking through little movements, her expressions, perhaps some personal tics, then I think her character would have shined through a lot more.
Story: 1
Overall, your use of the character’s abilities made this an interesting read. I like the way you did certain aspects of how she moved, how she was thinking and how she planned her moves.
Unfortunately, you did little to move the story FORWARD, which really cut into your score in this category. Almost the entirety of your first and final posts were recap, explaining things that Kopaka had already described happening. Sometimes getting the unique views of a character can be really, really important, but more often than not recapping a post just stalls forward movement.
One thing you can try to avoid that kind of thing is to include the unique perspectives into the next post, while still moving things forward. Say Kopaka had her hide behind the wall and create a clone. Instead of pulling us BACK to see exactly how that happened, you can reveal it in a unique way, like the other clone sending thoughts back and forth, or even perhaps catching a glimpse of them during the fight. Always look for ways to push the story forward instead of pulling us back.
Other than that area, your story was pretty fun. There was a bit of back and forth, and you weren’t afraid to kill off your clones, which is nice. A bit more CONSEQUENCE of the damage she accrued would have been a good addition also.
Grammar: 3
You did a pretty good job here! Above what a good portion of the site has. If English is not your first language, you should really be applauded for your command of it!
Watch you paragraph length, though. While Kopaka’s paragraphs where huge and blocky, yours were excessively slim. Many of your paragraphs could have been clumped together, and their individual length could have been varied a bit more.
Be wary of the ellipses, and don’t let it become a crutch for your writing. Create dramatic pauses with your writing and other punctuation.
Some of your sentences could be merged, as you tend to favor cutting off a sentence short to hammer the punch-line in the next one. Sometimes that’s ok, but avoid making it EVERY paragraph. In the same vein, be sure to break up the clauses of your sentences with a comma to ensure your reader has the right pauses.
I flipped back and forth between a 2 and a 3 really heavily on this one, so just keep some of the more subtle grammar in mind.
Total: 10
Hey folks, just due to the nature of my available time, part of this review will be sort of abbreviated. I got to “most of” Ururu’s side of the fight before I was consumed whole by “adulthood,” so you’ll notice that part of the review is longer. Sorry about that, Kopaka.
If either of you would like a more in-depth C&C of the fight, I’ll offer you one when the competition is over and I have a bit more time to get it to you.
Kopaka
Description & Clarity: 3
I found that your description was very clear and easy to understand. There was substance in it, and I found it easy to slip into the story as you told it. There were only a rare few moments when I found myself having re-read what was written, and you did a whole lot of SHOWING us the action, with just a few splatterings of exposition so that we could understand the dynamics of his masks and powers.
If I was to point to an area to improve on, it would likely be to remind you to pace your writing. Slow down the slow moments with rich detail, and speed up the fast ones by sheering the fat. Also, I think you’d benefit from a more diligent search for the right word in some cases, as sometimes the verbiage just seemed a little out of place.
Overall, great job.
Voice: 2
You certainly have a way of makignthe more “alien” characters seem both strange and somehow still relatable. The Toa must think so differently than humans do, and at least part of that oddity is distilled into your writing style. It seems, in a way, distant, like a creature observing another with a sort of strange lack of empathy.
I think you can push this a bit harder though, making your word choice and delivery even more ridged, flexible, or whatever it is that you’re aiming for. The presence of your Voice can’t be denied, but it didn’t pop off the page at me either.
Character: 2
Kopaka is a REALLY cool character concept in general. The fact that he’s just an inherently cool idea doesn’t score you a ton of points here, because it’s more about characterization than it is concept, but I just really have to say I love the idea.
I feel like we got SOME of who Kopaka is as a person in this writing, and I liked what I did see. Again, a fight is an inherently difficult place to try and incorporate character, but by making the scene less about punching and more about personality, you can still drive a compelling narrative.
As I said, what there was in terms of character was really enjoyable, there just wasn’t much of it.
Story: 3
The back and forth that you illustrated was really fun and on point. You took hits, and those hits had consequences. You drove the story forward, and never gave up on a chance to drive things onward instead of looking back.
I like the way that you used your opponent’s moves and skillset as a centerpiece to your own action, as it really displayed your ability to make all of the different pieces of the puzzle fit.
I might look for a little more of a personal “journey” for the character, seeing changes in thoughts and attitudes, but overall, really great stuff.
Grammar: 3
You did really well here, and most of my complaints are fine-tuning rather than big obvious things.
Your paragraphs are chunky, and could probably use a bit of trimming down. Really try to distill each paragraph with only one concept, and use the breaks in text to help you dictate your reader’s flow. You occasionally threw in one-line paragraphs here and there, which next to your bigger ones seemed really oddly out of place.
Your first post was mostly devoid of your big paragraphs, but the remaining two saw you fall back into the habit.
Total: 13
Ururu Kyuuei
Description & Clarity: 2
I found myself usually fairly easy to see what Ururu was doing, and the movement you integrated into your posts was fun! Overall, I think you did pretty well making it clear exactly what was happening.
There is a lot of “telling” instead of showing. I would say that the majority of your writing is exposition, which really leaves the reader on sort of dry ride through the scene if there isn’t a strong inner-conflict to really push it along. Choosing when and where to use a lot of exposition can be a really hard choice to make, but I think that erring on the side of SHOWING the audience what is happening as opposed to explaining it outright would do you much better.
Some of the scenes of complex action are also a little muddled for me, like this maneuver:
Quote: With the pivot pulling her backwards so she and the robot were parallel, shoulder to well… arm bolt? Her right limb struck out to increase the spin of her body to a full 180 using its’ greater mass to slow up.
Even breaking her momentum, she was still moving forward, allowing her bend back and see behind herself with her feet and their chakra insuring stability. Now was the time, her left arm shot to grab it’s chin, hooking the bladed fingers as secure as possible. She yanked.
Muscles flexed and strained even as a thin but deep line of crimson formed an arc between the thing’s sword and her chest. Hell. she could even see a bit of breast bone flying through the air. Well that was going to really, really, hurt in a second.
Like ow…
Her calves and probably every other piece of connective tissue tightened in an instant. Ururu worked to use what leverage, strength and kinetic potential that she could muster to pull this thing into the air and reverse the parabola that her body had formed. In one almighty crash the Machine hit the ground and Ururu with it, flying some distance for defensive measures.
I read that through several times, and its still a bit hard for me to visualize what’s going on in that scene.
The same goes for a lot of the flipping back and forth between the “clones,” which is largely an aspect of my limited understanding of how that actually works. It was undoubtedly difficult to show us how that complex system of conscious transference worked in these short posts, but I definitely found myself confused, especially in the last post.
However, the inner life of Ururu is really interesting, so the opportunity you’ve granted us with the exposition to see inside her head gave us a few glimpses into her thoughts and feelings that we might not have otherwise gleaned. I think a mix of your strong internal monologue along with more physical description and practice as slowly and clearly explaining complicated moves will serve you really well.
Voice: 2
You have your own style, and it does come through your writing. I think the major downfall of us hearing your writing voice is that such a large amount of your writing is exposition that it doesn’t quite give us the chance to really get a taste of what words, details and facets of your writing you focus on.
Many writers on the site prefer a strong expositional style, and sometimes that can lead into a strong Voice, but I think you just need a little more time getting comfortable with word choice and getting your style rolling for your Voice to come through stronger.
Character: 2
Ururu is a cool character concept. I feel like a lot of her character was sort of obfuscated by the action of the scene, but there were a few missed opportunities that you could have taken to really show us what she’s all about as a person (or group of people?)
A common theme with a lot of writers is that they sort of assume that the reader knows their character. While you shouldn’t introduce your character every new thread, you should incorporate some of their quirks and strong themes to really let us know who they are as people.
You did show us a lot of her mindset through, which I think could really turn her into a super interesting character to watch. If you SHOWED us more what she was thinking through little movements, her expressions, perhaps some personal tics, then I think her character would have shined through a lot more.
Story: 1
Overall, your use of the character’s abilities made this an interesting read. I like the way you did certain aspects of how she moved, how she was thinking and how she planned her moves.
Unfortunately, you did little to move the story FORWARD, which really cut into your score in this category. Almost the entirety of your first and final posts were recap, explaining things that Kopaka had already described happening. Sometimes getting the unique views of a character can be really, really important, but more often than not recapping a post just stalls forward movement.
One thing you can try to avoid that kind of thing is to include the unique perspectives into the next post, while still moving things forward. Say Kopaka had her hide behind the wall and create a clone. Instead of pulling us BACK to see exactly how that happened, you can reveal it in a unique way, like the other clone sending thoughts back and forth, or even perhaps catching a glimpse of them during the fight. Always look for ways to push the story forward instead of pulling us back.
Other than that area, your story was pretty fun. There was a bit of back and forth, and you weren’t afraid to kill off your clones, which is nice. A bit more CONSEQUENCE of the damage she accrued would have been a good addition also.
Grammar: 3
You did a pretty good job here! Above what a good portion of the site has. If English is not your first language, you should really be applauded for your command of it!
Watch you paragraph length, though. While Kopaka’s paragraphs where huge and blocky, yours were excessively slim. Many of your paragraphs could have been clumped together, and their individual length could have been varied a bit more.
Be wary of the ellipses, and don’t let it become a crutch for your writing. Create dramatic pauses with your writing and other punctuation.
Some of your sentences could be merged, as you tend to favor cutting off a sentence short to hammer the punch-line in the next one. Sometimes that’s ok, but avoid making it EVERY paragraph. In the same vein, be sure to break up the clauses of your sentences with a comma to ensure your reader has the right pauses.
I flipped back and forth between a 2 and a 3 really heavily on this one, so just keep some of the more subtle grammar in mind.
Total: 10
Kopaka is the winner!
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.