10-17-2015, 11:51 PM
BEFORE YOU READ THE RESULTS! Please know, this is one of my favorite fights that I have read on the entire website, and I think you both did a wonderful, masterful job conveying your characters’ actions and emotions, as well as just simply not forcing words to come. Everything felt natural, and I’d like to nominate you guys for book club or something, if you don’t mind! Also, Ironmaidenreferenceftw
Okor:
"Description and Clarity: 4
Your illustration was wonderful. Here are some specific points that reinforced my decision on a four.
Your actions were very clear and concise, however there were a few displays of some superfluous adjectives, which I personally felt that these complimented what you were trying to portray, and I do think that it is part of your style.
While I didn't find them to "take away" from the story, I think its important to say that a good balance is key to this and it does factor into other categories, because some other judges may find them to be slightly compromising to the overall effect of the post, while others will find them enhancing to the story and fight.
Voice: 4
You really brought your A-game.
Your voice was consistent, not persistent and very clear. I was impressed at your portrayal of action, compilation of thought, and delivery of dialogue. Good work.
Character: 3
I liked what you did with Okor during the battle, and I especially liked the interaction with Weiss, it built a story just in the way they challenged and fought. However, I was, and am, expecting a little more in the future for this topic, because while I felt like I understood his character, I couldn't really explain why (other than space marine epicness) which did make the score a little iffy. Another thing to think about, is mentioning why Okor entered (his motivation, his drive,) I wanted to feel the intensity behind his action, and while there was some there, I felt like there could have been a little more.
Don't get me wrong! There were parts I really favored and enjoyed, like how Okor was challenging Weiss, and asked her her name, but I felt like that aligned a little more to the combined story building than to the character. With some improvement, I felt like you could have played on my intrigue a bit, and thrown me an enticing thought or a teaser about Okor, the interest was more subtle, and while he was still very captivating, it wasn't quite purposeful/complete.
Lastly, what separated Okor from a four was a bit hard for me to conclude, so I decided to take it from the category's specifications.
Story: 4
This category I felt you did very well in. Okor's actions with Weiss were well calculated and carefully selected. I enjoyed the flow you both had together as writers, and kind of hope for a rematch in the future *wink.*
This one (a four) is marked superb. A few things you did (I will mention) did sway me toward a four on this one,
And also the beginning and second post of yours were very compelling, which made me reconsider based on you and Weiss's chemistry both writing style, and the way you both found a way for your characters to align.
Very well done.
Grammar and Spelling: 5
Your grammar was -and is- very good. I want to say that you have to have nearly perfect grammar and phrasing in order to get a full score in this category from me, but I think credit is due in this category, because I didn’t notice a single error, nor could I find anything ANYTHING to complain about. Well okay, one thing. But it’s mostly *personal preference* that speech isn’t embedded into a large paragraph (only because it can get muddled, or confused). However the way you delivered yours (with actual purpose) definitely was done in away that was actually complimentary to the story and writing, as well as delivered the suspense, so it was really nothing to worry about.
You did a superlative job with this category, and a five is a high-honor.
Total Score: 19
Weiss:
"Description and Clarity: 3
Your actions and word choice were very clear and concise. Aside from the spacing, I didn't have any trouble picturing some of your movements, and at other times, your descriptions blew me away!
The action even in the first post (your response) was very well done, and I liked the visualization, as well as the words you chose to define the imagery with.
Voice: 4
There were really distinguished sentences, like this one, that I felt really gave Weiss life. Her personality was shown rather than said. And I think that both you and Okor's writing voice played off eachother wonderfully, just in the character interaction alone. It was for this reason, and a few other notable strengths, that I gave you a four in this category. Weiss is a very nice read!
Character:4
Turmoil again hits, enthralling the reader as well as throbbing our hearts when Weiss comes down sick (because of Okor’s move).
Lastly, I really felt my feelings on the line. I felt myself wanting Weiss’s character to triumph in this well-displayed part:
There was a lot of passion behind this. The emotion was tangible, and well produced. I felt like you really brought Weiss to life in your last post, which is why I gave this category a larger grade, I liked Weiss's overall growth throughout the series of events that marked the battle, and I think her description and how you pursued her personality really emphasized her spirit.
Story: 3
This was a pivotal moment.
You both built up to this and the end during the banter that your characters continued during the battle. It was awesome, and I felt like the words spoken matched the characters well. There was intrigue and more subtle details that helped to build the bigger picture. Nicely done.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
You kept it simple, you didn’t overwork a sentence or phrase just to make it showy, and while that might seem like “pros” or as though it would go under the “clarity” category, I think that it cleanly shows in your sentence structure and pronunciation of words in each sentence. I did notice a few very subtle mistakes, that couldn’t be caught on a spellcheck, which was the very infrequent misplaced comma.
Right before “she didn’t notice,” I felt myself place a pause where otherwise, it would have meant something a little different. No one is completely free of human error, but honestly, I didn’t think there were many (if any) errors that would have caused this section to take a harmful hit.
I suggest hitting the preview button before submitting, as the spacing errors were what kind of hurt your score and brought it from a three to a two. The spacing errors, I refer to a few places where paragraphs weren’t fully separated.
Now, I realize two things, first you do write your post up on Microsoft word, or pages application on mac, (and if you don’t you should, because I think I vouch for at least 20 writers on here who have lost an entire post, and felt the eternal stabbing of regret for not saving, or accidentally hitting “paste” instead of copy on an entire, let’s say, 1000 well-worded post, or more.) I also realize that it does translate over to the site from these applications a slightly different.
The second thing I want to point out, was that Okor’s style, which is more condensed paragraphs, specifically contrasts your style. Both formats have pros and cons, spacing things out takes away emphasis on certain actions, and condensing into whole paragraphs can be very “full” to read. But the thing that took the last point away was probably the spacing, which after a few, admittedly, got a bit jarring.
Total Score: 16
The winner is Okor!
Okor:
"Description and Clarity: 4
Your illustration was wonderful. Here are some specific points that reinforced my decision on a four.
Quote:The shell, dripping with various fluids that have preferably unknown origins, barely missed her pale face, grazing her white cheek.
Then, it exploded.
Radioactive shrapnel dug into the youth's face, and to her credit, she did not scream. Reacting with discipline and intelligence, she chose to fall back and regroup, sprinting behind a piece of masonry provided by the coliseum before the empty bolt casing even fell to the ground.
Your actions were very clear and concise, however there were a few displays of some superfluous adjectives, which I personally felt that these complimented what you were trying to portray, and I do think that it is part of your style.
While I didn't find them to "take away" from the story, I think its important to say that a good balance is key to this and it does factor into other categories, because some other judges may find them to be slightly compromising to the overall effect of the post, while others will find them enhancing to the story and fight.
Voice: 4
You really brought your A-game.
Quote:expelling a shell, the noise of its launch almost deafening at this range. Weiss had already seen it. She twisted and turned, silk spiraling around her figure as she dodged it,
Your voice was consistent, not persistent and very clear. I was impressed at your portrayal of action, compilation of thought, and delivery of dialogue. Good work.
Character: 3
I liked what you did with Okor during the battle, and I especially liked the interaction with Weiss, it built a story just in the way they challenged and fought. However, I was, and am, expecting a little more in the future for this topic, because while I felt like I understood his character, I couldn't really explain why (other than space marine epicness) which did make the score a little iffy. Another thing to think about, is mentioning why Okor entered (his motivation, his drive,) I wanted to feel the intensity behind his action, and while there was some there, I felt like there could have been a little more.
Don't get me wrong! There were parts I really favored and enjoyed, like how Okor was challenging Weiss, and asked her her name, but I felt like that aligned a little more to the combined story building than to the character. With some improvement, I felt like you could have played on my intrigue a bit, and thrown me an enticing thought or a teaser about Okor, the interest was more subtle, and while he was still very captivating, it wasn't quite purposeful/complete.
Lastly, what separated Okor from a four was a bit hard for me to conclude, so I decided to take it from the category's specifications.
Quote: who the people they are writing as are as individuals, why they take certain actions, their personal problems and boons, how they interact with the world around themselves and how they approach problems are all considerations for a writer in this section.
Story: 4
This category I felt you did very well in. Okor's actions with Weiss were well calculated and carefully selected. I enjoyed the flow you both had together as writers, and kind of hope for a rematch in the future *wink.*
This one (a four) is marked superb. A few things you did (I will mention) did sway me toward a four on this one,
Quote:The girl's eyes widened in fear, or perhaps in recognition of some previous memory. He rose his victim into the air,
And also the beginning and second post of yours were very compelling, which made me reconsider based on you and Weiss's chemistry both writing style, and the way you both found a way for your characters to align.
Very well done.
Grammar and Spelling: 5
Your grammar was -and is- very good. I want to say that you have to have nearly perfect grammar and phrasing in order to get a full score in this category from me, but I think credit is due in this category, because I didn’t notice a single error, nor could I find anything ANYTHING to complain about. Well okay, one thing. But it’s mostly *personal preference* that speech isn’t embedded into a large paragraph (only because it can get muddled, or confused). However the way you delivered yours (with actual purpose) definitely was done in away that was actually complimentary to the story and writing, as well as delivered the suspense, so it was really nothing to worry about.
You did a superlative job with this category, and a five is a high-honor.
Total Score: 19
Weiss:
"Description and Clarity: 3
Your actions and word choice were very clear and concise. Aside from the spacing, I didn't have any trouble picturing some of your movements, and at other times, your descriptions blew me away!
Quote:Weiss heard, then felt, the explosion. The bullet, fired in a nearly perfect trail to her center mass, burned her ears with overpowering noise
Quote:Suddenly, the searing agony that left Weiss's mind blank in pain finally stopped, the fire snuffing out and leaving only a patch of burnt skin resembling charcoal in it's wake.
She didn't know why, but she moved her legs back underneath her, first shakily, then with firm determination.
The action even in the first post (your response) was very well done, and I liked the visualization, as well as the words you chose to define the imagery with.
Voice: 4
Quote:Numerous shards of bone entwined themselves into her midsection and pulled. Her boots kicked uselessly at the sand beneath her, as the tendril pulled her in like a patient fisherman.
There were really distinguished sentences, like this one, that I felt really gave Weiss life. Her personality was shown rather than said. And I think that both you and Okor's writing voice played off eachother wonderfully, just in the character interaction alone. It was for this reason, and a few other notable strengths, that I gave you a four in this category. Weiss is a very nice read!
Character:4
Quote:If she could at least hold her sword, she could- Weiss’s body slammedWeiss is awesome. Part of the reason I really like her character is probably because there is so much pronounced hope and motivation in her every action. It’s extenuated by her personality, and refined by your voice.
Turmoil again hits, enthralling the reader as well as throbbing our hearts when Weiss comes down sick (because of Okor’s move).
Quote:” I’m so sorry… Ruby.” She croaked out in a warped voice. "I can't... do it."
Lastly, I really felt my feelings on the line. I felt myself wanting Weiss’s character to triumph in this well-displayed part:
Quote: ““I’ll win.
So.
Please.
Be real.”
There was a lot of passion behind this. The emotion was tangible, and well produced. I felt like you really brought Weiss to life in your last post, which is why I gave this category a larger grade, I liked Weiss's overall growth throughout the series of events that marked the battle, and I think her description and how you pursued her personality really emphasized her spirit.
Story: 3
This was a pivotal moment.
Quote:Her opponent’s torso had opened, twisting and changing into something that no longer resembled a human body.
“Was he dying? Had she done it? Was it over?”
The space marines words dashed those hopes in an instant.
Weiss tried to jump, but her legs refused as her muscles finally lost their energy, and she fell to one knee instead.
You both built up to this and the end during the banter that your characters continued during the battle. It was awesome, and I felt like the words spoken matched the characters well. There was intrigue and more subtle details that helped to build the bigger picture. Nicely done.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
You kept it simple, you didn’t overwork a sentence or phrase just to make it showy, and while that might seem like “pros” or as though it would go under the “clarity” category, I think that it cleanly shows in your sentence structure and pronunciation of words in each sentence. I did notice a few very subtle mistakes, that couldn’t be caught on a spellcheck, which was the very infrequent misplaced comma.
Quote: Under ordinary circumstances she might have grunted at the pain of it, but compared to the agony that left her in hurried gasps of pain too weak to be called screams she didn't notice.
Quote:her silver blade reaching Okor's Body in an instant.
Right before “she didn’t notice,” I felt myself place a pause where otherwise, it would have meant something a little different. No one is completely free of human error, but honestly, I didn’t think there were many (if any) errors that would have caused this section to take a harmful hit.
Quote: curved blade. her abdomen
I suggest hitting the preview button before submitting, as the spacing errors were what kind of hurt your score and brought it from a three to a two. The spacing errors, I refer to a few places where paragraphs weren’t fully separated.
Now, I realize two things, first you do write your post up on Microsoft word, or pages application on mac, (and if you don’t you should, because I think I vouch for at least 20 writers on here who have lost an entire post, and felt the eternal stabbing of regret for not saving, or accidentally hitting “paste” instead of copy on an entire, let’s say, 1000 well-worded post, or more.) I also realize that it does translate over to the site from these applications a slightly different.
The second thing I want to point out, was that Okor’s style, which is more condensed paragraphs, specifically contrasts your style. Both formats have pros and cons, spacing things out takes away emphasis on certain actions, and condensing into whole paragraphs can be very “full” to read. But the thing that took the last point away was probably the spacing, which after a few, admittedly, got a bit jarring.
Total Score: 16
The winner is Okor!