10-17-2015, 09:15 PM
Note from judge: Before I begin, I was super glad that Black Star posted a final one, sorry if it caused you any strife, but it just means I don’t have to apply the (hefty) penalty, which means I can just do my thing! (Also, I was impressed with the quality and delivery of the final post, which helped change one or two scores I wasn't sure about, into stronger, more confident improved scores.)
I also felt like you both had a pretty good understanding of one another’s character, which enhanced the flow both ways.
Magus’s notes: You had an excellent introduction post, which painted the scene well in your own voice, for what was soon to come, you also didn’t “wait” for the action to come to you.
"Description and Clarity: 3
To continue, one of the requirements for his section is word choice. I mention it a little later, but I think you selected your adjectives carefully, and paid attention to the details you found important enough that it might help make the scene more captivating to the reader, while siphoning out the ‘fluff.’
I read your fight a few times, and to be honest, this is one of my favorite lines. (don’t judge me).
Probably just because of the simplicity, but I remember reading it before I realized I was judging this, and being like, “Oh, that’s actually an awesome way to put that.” Short, quick to the point, wasn’t vague, and didn’t leave any mystery for the reader to “figure it out.”
Lastly, in this section, it mentions Magus’s interpretation and how it was implemented in some of the adjectives or feelings derived from the setting. This was done well, but I think there could have been a tad more effort. In comparison, I don’t mean to call your opponent a ‘setting’ however at the beginning, he was part of it, and I think you make up for anything that might have been vague or lost, in your open-description and judgement of BlackStar (and even how Magus acted on that, in conversation). This section got a three because I see a bit more potential that can be tapped, but it doesn’t mean you did a bad job, quite the opposite, keep up the good quality consistently, and I think you’ll be marked higher next round for this.
Voice: 4
You spoke well. Magus and how he interprets the events seem to be one of the same. Your portrayal of action was concise and clear. You have a good vocabulary, and frequently either personify, relate emotion into an action, or simply deviate from any patterns that might make writing or style repetitive. It was rich, genuine, and had a nice ring to it -without overwhelming the reader with pros. Amidst the very nice post, this sentence was framed almost as the focal point. With reason.
You have a good idea of your character, your limits, and emphasize your strengths easily, and you make it seem effortless. thenwhy'dIgeta4insteadofa5!?
Well, there were a few parts that I felt like could have been stronger. There isn't an example of a "best" anything without weakness, nor is anyone's voice perfect, or always appreciated. I don't think your voice or style has any flaws per se, and I personally thoroughly enjoy your style and I think you realize that, but I did feel like there was a final quality it was lacking in this scenario. Everything Magus said and did had a point, and everything your writing included had a purpose and was relevant (which is just a super bonus) however on the other hand, it almost seemed too flawless. Magus isn't a robot, he displayed emotion, but I think if I had to suggest anything, it would be incentive or consequence of Magus's decisions. Most of Magus's actions had a reason behind them, that I felt you left up for the reader to decide their importance, but I felt a little bit of elaboration could have been enough to sway me in favor of a five.
(Disclaimer: I think this category prioritizes the opinion of the judges moreso than the rest, so I wanted to say that I did enjoy the voice that Magus used, and I don't think you should change your portrayal of him, just a few small tweaks and I would have happily given you a perfect score.)
Character: 4
Honestly, this is my favorite category. Tournaments can be set up to make individual characters shine! I love it, and I love reading about your characters.
To start out with this category, I wanted to note that I think you kept Magus’s personality very consistent. whatbutsamiwasreallygoodwithmagushechangedhe’srounderthanabouncyball Yes, I know! Let me continue, Magus didn’t go punch Blackstar in the face, have a little rivaly banter with him, and then go an pet a kitten and talk about sunsets. He stayed In character, which I find relevant for this category in particular.
Honestly, I like Magus’s character and the way the writer portrays him. He has a good sense of what he wants from the character, and I think it reflects through his writing that magus has a good sense of self. Wait, what?
I wasn’t going to reference this line, but I was staring at it with the window open, and it is relevant to what I would like to convey.
Magus has layers, he deviates from the norm, I like his character build, and how even his dialogue reflects his attitude. This kind of depth shouldn’t go unnoticed, and it is what sets him apart from the rest. I gave you a four in this category because of the above listed reasons, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think there are a few things you can do to improve.
I mention it below, but motivation and capturing what would quench my desire to get to know the character could be confronted in a few different ways. I like what you have going for Magus, but I think why I didn’t give you the maximum score in this category, was because I would have liked a little more said on the character. His interaction with Blackstar was nearly flawless (both ways!) but I felt like with a little extra edge, Magus could’ve surpassed my expectations and conquered the thread. Blackstar kept up with Magus, very well, and I liked the balance you had going. This category was very close to a five in my opinion, but it was just short.
(I reflected on this during my re-read, and realized that Magus (and partly Blackstar) both lacked "weakness" -Though i note for the record that BlackStar in some ways emphasized his to create a dynamic with him and Tsubaki- I don't think it was fundamentally the cause of the last point not being achieved.
Story: 2
You started out in this category well. The introduction sort of lead off in kind of a cool way, first in the one posted in the storyteller account. I don’t want to view a cool setting as a ‘nudge’ but I will say I liked and favored it when you mentioned the same. EX: “There had to be some irony in the fact that a former felon and prisoner had been selected to represent the same government that wanted him in chains.”
And you responded with:
There were a few other instances where I liked when you reinforced some of this, however I would have liked to see a bit more “building” off of it, or inventing new things to enthrall the reader and/or judge.
In your favor however, I wanted to mention that I think hardship and overcoming it are CRUCIAL parts of the story. “The wizard fought against the pain, but the urgent burn of pain radiating through his abdomen betrayed him and he took a knee, one hand on the armour covering his injured flesh... before his opponent could recover.
The Black Star leapt across the final few feet that separated them, and his target vanished. Again.
Magus clenched his eyes shut and half-groaned, half-roared in frustration,[/quote]
During this explanation, I think you emphasized the hardship magus was going through, and the desperation that a person/thing/mage might feel in battle, and it was pretty tangible, and completely compelling.
Your character also had a feud/ rivalry with Blackstar’s (as you are opponents) and that contributed to this category as well, however I personally choose to have that “fall into” character, rather than story, though with Magus’s particulars, (outlaw/fiend/mage) this could be chosen as a characteristic, or a large part of Magus’s personality. I prefer not to say more on this topic, however to improve in the future, as this does seem to be your lowest categorized score, I might suggest seizing a bit more drama during the fight.
A really small/petty example of this might be: say magus’s scythe was thrown off, he must retrieve it. Another example, which I kind of think might be cool, would be to reflect a bit on your motivation for entering the tournament. I wanted to know the stakes. How they effected your character, along with perhaps a “rise to power” in the fight, or drive to succeed.
Before I conclude this specific category, I don’t think you did a bad job, there were just a lot of variables I looked at, and I wanted to separate this one a bit more from Magus’s personality than “voice” or otherwise.
Grammar and Spelling: 4
Your spelling was on-point, and while the flow of your sentences went well with your grammar, there were little to no areas that I could have seen improvement.
In another example, I wanted to tell you a few examples of good quality in this category. Here’s two that I appreciated for being correct:
I cited the above, because there were a few variations that Magus could have used when narrating this. He informed the reader, in his own style, and it was done well.
The below is another brief example (out of plenty) of commas:
or
You use great sentence structure, and make everything very clear throughout the entire fight. This consistency gave you an edge in this category, you may have been given a 3 without the attention and effort you put into the consistency, however I felt that during the reading, and then after, that because I didn’t get confused or deliberately find a point of reference for improvement, this category deserved an above average grade.
Total score: 17
Black Star’s notes: Your first post was very clear, and I felt like you immediately picked up on Magus’s pace when you were replying. The structure you used to portray your action was very concise, and clear to the audience. I felt the attention you put in to demonstrating what BlackStar was doing was well thought out, and I wanted to recognize the effort I felt you put into that before I started judging.
"Description and Clarity: 2
This category is probably what hit you the hardest. While at some points you were very fluid in your character's movement, motion, and action, at other points (the example, during reflection, referenced below) I felt a little confused.
For someone who didn't know much about soul eater, they might get a bit confused as to who Tsubaki was, but there is a word limit, and you can't be expected to explain what is written in your roster, which is that Black Star is from a world where meister's and weapons coexist to capture souls (and kick ass.)
But, this wasn't the only occurrence of strained clarity, which happens a small amount in the first post, where the flow of the fight was a bit muddled, and I felt the need to go back and 'check' what had happened.
While there were a only one or two occurrences, of confusion or delayed coherency, it is a big part of fights, and I think one of the more important things to emphasize during battle.
BUT WAIT! Before you go back to see what I mean, I wanted to say that you did do a good job with this in other ways. I felt you were very clear when your word choice and action had a direct association, and it had a positive effect on me. "He waited, with bated breath, for the mage to reappear." (shorter example)
As well as parts that really prioritized action.
The above was done really well, but I think with only a little more attention given to those parts or elaborating on BlackStar's intent, there could have been a few contingencies that were given a little more clarity. You had a good 'forwardness' with your narration, but I counted that more as your writing voice rather than this category, which is what hurt what may have been a three, into a two.
Voice:3
You don’t get super elaborate, you stay honest to your character and to the reader. You and Magus both have a good flow, you bounced back and forth because your characters even had a bit of a foil. I liked the banter, I loved the impact it had on the reader. Here are a few examples of just dialogue alone that I felt like helped to emphasize what you (the writer) wanted to speak to the reader:
And lastly, perhaps the most impacting,
The above really added some intrigue to Blackstar's motivation, it's importance (even framed at the end) prioritized its relevance, and made me want to ask, "what is he fighting for?" as well as notice, "he is willing to push it to the limit to achieve his goal," which speaks to character strength. I really like your voice when using Blackstar, and I think it's perfect the way it is. There aren't a lot of ways you can improve blackstar without holding back or compromising his very identifiable character, so I just wanted to say that if you keep targeting diction, you will really surpass even your own limits in this category.
Character: 4
A FOUR?! That’s pretty damn good!
Blackstar has a lot of great qualities as a character. I’ve seen soul eater myself, but I tried to tune out my own personal knowledge so I knew what to look for, but didn’t try to persuade myself that you were very straightforward with his personality traits.
He’s hyper, very motivated, and I really appreciate what he brings to the table, as well as how he confronts his enemies. His action is engaging, and the way your writing keys in on making his character more dynamic is very complimentary. Example: One moment, he’ll be in a fighting magus, and seem a bit wrapped up in analyzing and predicting Magus’s next move. And in the next, he kind of emphasizes his human side by talking to Tsubaki. I quoted it above in the last topic, but I think that a character that continues to intrigue, as well as remain constant, has a very good impact on the reader.
I wanted to mention that your last post was actually the one that persuaded me to give you a four in the topic, rather than a three. The reason, as there was a few, was because I felt like everything you had been working for and setting up in your last two posts was completed. Your character, the events, and motivation all seemed to have a good emotional tugging on my heart. Hardship has an effect, as well as portrayal of what it all means. I liked the importance and relevance blackstar brought to numerous aspects that he had been working on in his past posts, and brought it to a certain fullness.
Example one:
Example two:
This ending, which was very profound, helped me feel very tied into the story, and I felt like I had a good idea how the story was actually well weaved into your character. In the future, be careful these two are not dependent on one another, having a strong character but less of a story can sometimes make the intrigue much less, and vice versa.
Story:3
I liked the way you interacted with Tsubaki, you harnessed the feud/rivalry with Magus in a way that I appreciated and found captivating. Magus and you both played your ‘enemy’ card very well, and I feel like a three matches up to that.
The reason I didn’t score you higher (and magus, for that matter), was for a few different reasons.
I found your character captivating, and was excited to see what you would both do next, however there wasn’t anything dramatic that caught my eye enough to evoke emotion. BUTheywaitaminuteIdidthathere
I see this, and I felt like the passion that Blackstar had behind this sentence alone was very powerful. It intertwined blackstar’s pride into his motivation, and I personally was stunned. Before I go on to say more, I wanted to say that this was also effectively framed, and I could easily notice the “climactic” hold that you had on me, your audience. You mentioned the stakes, (blackstar’s pride/honor) subtly but I didn’t feel like I had to guess that you were fighting to be the best.
I liked your narrative, as well as you didn’t feel like you had to make it “perfect” to the reader. I’d like to reference again that you mentioned some struggle earlier on, which I felt gave you good material to build off of, and gave your character personal success in this category. (Ie, your referenced your character’s weaknesses and deprivations granted from the omniverse, which seems like it would be obvious, but I think that the way you made it personal gave me incentive enough to realize the reasons that Blackstar’s personal struggle became a part of the story.)
Grammar and Spelling: 3
I’m going to be honest, I did notice a few grammatical errors such as a skipped comma in front of a quote, or an accidental missed “[“ mark. I’m not a huge fan of bolding a character’s text instead of using quotation marks, however personal bias really shouldn’t weigh into this category too much. There were a few errors, so a perfect grade wasn’t given, however I don’t feel in any way that you did poorly. Most of the stuff was noticeable and could have been fixed in a proofread.
Total score: 15
The winner is Magus!
I also felt like you both had a pretty good understanding of one another’s character, which enhanced the flow both ways.
Magus’s notes: You had an excellent introduction post, which painted the scene well in your own voice, for what was soon to come, you also didn’t “wait” for the action to come to you.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:“Impressive,” the spellcaster remarked. His scarlet eyes hid the surprise that ebbed under the surface. “But I hope you realize how outclassed you are. I’ve barely begun to test my abilities, and you seem utterly on edge.”Throughout the fight you remained clear, however I felt like in a few areas, you could have offered a bit more explanation DUDE BUT THAT KILLER WORD LIMIT!!! I get, I get, but in the above conversation it is inferred who is speaking. Another example of this is some of the shapes you used. You described gloom, but I felt like the effects were a little vague. You left it up to the reader, to interpret some of the tones used above, and I can appreciate that, but I think you may have had to cut out to fit your word count, so I understand your sacrifice too. You didn't overwhelm the reader, which is why I found it very easy to give you a good grade in this section.
“Oh, right. That’s why you couldn’t stand after we scuffled for like three seconds.”
“Be silent, you cur.”
“Come here and say that, wimp!”
“Very well.”
To continue, one of the requirements for his section is word choice. I mention it a little later, but I think you selected your adjectives carefully, and paid attention to the details you found important enough that it might help make the scene more captivating to the reader, while siphoning out the ‘fluff.’
I read your fight a few times, and to be honest, this is one of my favorite lines. (don’t judge me).
Quote:“Magus capitalized on this, hurling bolts of Gloom after his quarry.”
Probably just because of the simplicity, but I remember reading it before I realized I was judging this, and being like, “Oh, that’s actually an awesome way to put that.” Short, quick to the point, wasn’t vague, and didn’t leave any mystery for the reader to “figure it out.”
Lastly, in this section, it mentions Magus’s interpretation and how it was implemented in some of the adjectives or feelings derived from the setting. This was done well, but I think there could have been a tad more effort. In comparison, I don’t mean to call your opponent a ‘setting’ however at the beginning, he was part of it, and I think you make up for anything that might have been vague or lost, in your open-description and judgement of BlackStar (and even how Magus acted on that, in conversation). This section got a three because I see a bit more potential that can be tapped, but it doesn’t mean you did a bad job, quite the opposite, keep up the good quality consistently, and I think you’ll be marked higher next round for this.
Voice: 4
You spoke well. Magus and how he interprets the events seem to be one of the same. Your portrayal of action was concise and clear. You have a good vocabulary, and frequently either personify, relate emotion into an action, or simply deviate from any patterns that might make writing or style repetitive. It was rich, genuine, and had a nice ring to it -without overwhelming the reader with pros. Amidst the very nice post, this sentence was framed almost as the focal point. With reason.
Quote:The tide of the crowd turned again as the Gloom leapt from his hand with a sizzling crack, sailing across the void between the combatants. The cheering thundered in a sharp crescendo as the bolt crashed into the hapless Black Star, engulfing him in the blighting explosion.
You have a good idea of your character, your limits, and emphasize your strengths easily, and you make it seem effortless. thenwhy'dIgeta4insteadofa5!?
Well, there were a few parts that I felt like could have been stronger. There isn't an example of a "best" anything without weakness, nor is anyone's voice perfect, or always appreciated. I don't think your voice or style has any flaws per se, and I personally thoroughly enjoy your style and I think you realize that, but I did feel like there was a final quality it was lacking in this scenario. Everything Magus said and did had a point, and everything your writing included had a purpose and was relevant (which is just a super bonus) however on the other hand, it almost seemed too flawless. Magus isn't a robot, he displayed emotion, but I think if I had to suggest anything, it would be incentive or consequence of Magus's decisions. Most of Magus's actions had a reason behind them, that I felt you left up for the reader to decide their importance, but I felt a little bit of elaboration could have been enough to sway me in favor of a five.
(Disclaimer: I think this category prioritizes the opinion of the judges moreso than the rest, so I wanted to say that I did enjoy the voice that Magus used, and I don't think you should change your portrayal of him, just a few small tweaks and I would have happily given you a perfect score.)
Character: 4
Quote:Magus’ wrath spread across his bloody countenance like a cataclysm, screwing his face up into a venomous snarl. He’d fallen right next to his opponent who had done the same.
Honestly, this is my favorite category. Tournaments can be set up to make individual characters shine! I love it, and I love reading about your characters.
To start out with this category, I wanted to note that I think you kept Magus’s personality very consistent. whatbutsamiwasreallygoodwithmagushechangedhe’srounderthanabouncyball Yes, I know! Let me continue, Magus didn’t go punch Blackstar in the face, have a little rivaly banter with him, and then go an pet a kitten and talk about sunsets. He stayed In character, which I find relevant for this category in particular.
Honestly, I like Magus’s character and the way the writer portrays him. He has a good sense of what he wants from the character, and I think it reflects through his writing that magus has a good sense of self. Wait, what?
I wasn’t going to reference this line, but I was staring at it with the window open, and it is relevant to what I would like to convey.
Quote:”“I’m no assassin, boy, no killer for hire, exchanging blood for gold. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes and the impact of my actions stretches across eons,” his voice, already a low rumble, grew darker, quieter. “How dare you try to compare yourself to me, you petulant whelp?”
Magus has layers, he deviates from the norm, I like his character build, and how even his dialogue reflects his attitude. This kind of depth shouldn’t go unnoticed, and it is what sets him apart from the rest. I gave you a four in this category because of the above listed reasons, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think there are a few things you can do to improve.
I mention it below, but motivation and capturing what would quench my desire to get to know the character could be confronted in a few different ways. I like what you have going for Magus, but I think why I didn’t give you the maximum score in this category, was because I would have liked a little more said on the character. His interaction with Blackstar was nearly flawless (both ways!) but I felt like with a little extra edge, Magus could’ve surpassed my expectations and conquered the thread. Blackstar kept up with Magus, very well, and I liked the balance you had going. This category was very close to a five in my opinion, but it was just short.
(I reflected on this during my re-read, and realized that Magus (and partly Blackstar) both lacked "weakness" -Though i note for the record that BlackStar in some ways emphasized his to create a dynamic with him and Tsubaki- I don't think it was fundamentally the cause of the last point not being achieved.
Story: 2
You started out in this category well. The introduction sort of lead off in kind of a cool way, first in the one posted in the storyteller account. I don’t want to view a cool setting as a ‘nudge’ but I will say I liked and favored it when you mentioned the same. EX: “There had to be some irony in the fact that a former felon and prisoner had been selected to represent the same government that wanted him in chains.”
And you responded with:
Quote:“He was literally the deadliest wizard of all time, and he had been pitted against a petulant child with candy-colored hair and a ridiculous outfit.”
There were a few other instances where I liked when you reinforced some of this, however I would have liked to see a bit more “building” off of it, or inventing new things to enthrall the reader and/or judge.
In your favor however, I wanted to mention that I think hardship and overcoming it are CRUCIAL parts of the story. “The wizard fought against the pain, but the urgent burn of pain radiating through his abdomen betrayed him and he took a knee, one hand on the armour covering his injured flesh... before his opponent could recover.
The Black Star leapt across the final few feet that separated them, and his target vanished. Again.
Magus clenched his eyes shut and half-groaned, half-roared in frustration,[/quote]
During this explanation, I think you emphasized the hardship magus was going through, and the desperation that a person/thing/mage might feel in battle, and it was pretty tangible, and completely compelling.
Your character also had a feud/ rivalry with Blackstar’s (as you are opponents) and that contributed to this category as well, however I personally choose to have that “fall into” character, rather than story, though with Magus’s particulars, (outlaw/fiend/mage) this could be chosen as a characteristic, or a large part of Magus’s personality. I prefer not to say more on this topic, however to improve in the future, as this does seem to be your lowest categorized score, I might suggest seizing a bit more drama during the fight.
A really small/petty example of this might be: say magus’s scythe was thrown off, he must retrieve it. Another example, which I kind of think might be cool, would be to reflect a bit on your motivation for entering the tournament. I wanted to know the stakes. How they effected your character, along with perhaps a “rise to power” in the fight, or drive to succeed.
Before I conclude this specific category, I don’t think you did a bad job, there were just a lot of variables I looked at, and I wanted to separate this one a bit more from Magus’s personality than “voice” or otherwise.
Grammar and Spelling: 4
Your spelling was on-point, and while the flow of your sentences went well with your grammar, there were little to no areas that I could have seen improvement.
Quote:The wizard fought against the pain, but the urgent burn of pain radiatingYou used “pain” twice, which altered the flow of the sentence a bit, but if I’m being honest, using the same word twice doesn’t really bother me (nor do I think its technically a grammatical error, but I prefer to place the suggestion here.)
In another example, I wanted to tell you a few examples of good quality in this category. Here’s two that I appreciated for being correct:
Quote:“The boy Magus would later learn was called “Black Star” – or something to that effect – landed,
I cited the above, because there were a few variations that Magus could have used when narrating this. He informed the reader, in his own style, and it was done well.
The below is another brief example (out of plenty) of commas:
Quote:The boy was a fool, and Magus spared no quarter for fools.”
or
Quote: The Black Star leapt across the final few feet that separated them, and his target vanished. Again.I felt like the comma usage throughout the round was very well used. You paused whenever you wanted the reader to hold or reflect on. It also just enhanced your voice and narration when writing. Skillful use.
You use great sentence structure, and make everything very clear throughout the entire fight. This consistency gave you an edge in this category, you may have been given a 3 without the attention and effort you put into the consistency, however I felt that during the reading, and then after, that because I didn’t get confused or deliberately find a point of reference for improvement, this category deserved an above average grade.
Total score: 17
Black Star’s notes: Your first post was very clear, and I felt like you immediately picked up on Magus’s pace when you were replying. The structure you used to portray your action was very concise, and clear to the audience. I felt the attention you put in to demonstrating what BlackStar was doing was well thought out, and I wanted to recognize the effort I felt you put into that before I started judging.
"Description and Clarity: 2
This category is probably what hit you the hardest. While at some points you were very fluid in your character's movement, motion, and action, at other points (the example, during reflection, referenced below) I felt a little confused.
Quote:”Tsubaki, noticed any lacking angle we can get him from? Getting up close is fine and all, but there’s only so many of those bolts I can take.[/] Black☆Star admitted reluctantly. The woman inside the weapon hummed quietly for a moment, analysing their opponent, We could try Dummy☆Star? she asked calmly. “
For someone who didn't know much about soul eater, they might get a bit confused as to who Tsubaki was, but there is a word limit, and you can't be expected to explain what is written in your roster, which is that Black Star is from a world where meister's and weapons coexist to capture souls (and kick ass.)
But, this wasn't the only occurrence of strained clarity, which happens a small amount in the first post, where the flow of the fight was a bit muddled, and I felt the need to go back and 'check' what had happened.
While there were a only one or two occurrences, of confusion or delayed coherency, it is a big part of fights, and I think one of the more important things to emphasize during battle.
BUT WAIT! Before you go back to see what I mean, I wanted to say that you did do a good job with this in other ways. I felt you were very clear when your word choice and action had a direct association, and it had a positive effect on me. "He waited, with bated breath, for the mage to reappear." (shorter example)
As well as parts that really prioritized action.
Quote: "The force of the strike sent Magus staggering backwards, giving Black☆Star yet another opportunity. He ground to a halt behind the mage, forcing himself to a halt by digging his fingers and feet into the soaked dust before springing forwards, elbow bent and driven into Magus’ spine, causing the Mage to let out a guttural growl as his fall came to a halt. Black☆Star’s assault, "
The above was done really well, but I think with only a little more attention given to those parts or elaborating on BlackStar's intent, there could have been a few contingencies that were given a little more clarity. You had a good 'forwardness' with your narration, but I counted that more as your writing voice rather than this category, which is what hurt what may have been a three, into a two.
Voice:3
You don’t get super elaborate, you stay honest to your character and to the reader. You and Magus both have a good flow, you bounced back and forth because your characters even had a bit of a foil. I liked the banter, I loved the impact it had on the reader. Here are a few examples of just dialogue alone that I felt like helped to emphasize what you (the writer) wanted to speak to the reader:
Quote: "Not worth the effort, huh? Are you scared now? I understand if you are.. I saw myself in a mirror once, I was scared by how big the reflection was." The boy let out a short burst of confident laughter"
Quote:Only, Black☆Star grunted, room, wheezed, for one assassin in this arena. and finally growled towards his opponent."
And lastly, perhaps the most impacting,
Quote:"Tsu, we need to get one more hit in, the pair communicated through their mock telepathy once again, you can do that right?"
The above really added some intrigue to Blackstar's motivation, it's importance (even framed at the end) prioritized its relevance, and made me want to ask, "what is he fighting for?" as well as notice, "he is willing to push it to the limit to achieve his goal," which speaks to character strength. I really like your voice when using Blackstar, and I think it's perfect the way it is. There aren't a lot of ways you can improve blackstar without holding back or compromising his very identifiable character, so I just wanted to say that if you keep targeting diction, you will really surpass even your own limits in this category.
Character: 4
A FOUR?! That’s pretty damn good!
Blackstar has a lot of great qualities as a character. I’ve seen soul eater myself, but I tried to tune out my own personal knowledge so I knew what to look for, but didn’t try to persuade myself that you were very straightforward with his personality traits.
He’s hyper, very motivated, and I really appreciate what he brings to the table, as well as how he confronts his enemies. His action is engaging, and the way your writing keys in on making his character more dynamic is very complimentary. Example: One moment, he’ll be in a fighting magus, and seem a bit wrapped up in analyzing and predicting Magus’s next move. And in the next, he kind of emphasizes his human side by talking to Tsubaki. I quoted it above in the last topic, but I think that a character that continues to intrigue, as well as remain constant, has a very good impact on the reader.
I wanted to mention that your last post was actually the one that persuaded me to give you a four in the topic, rather than a three. The reason, as there was a few, was because I felt like everything you had been working for and setting up in your last two posts was completed. Your character, the events, and motivation all seemed to have a good emotional tugging on my heart. Hardship has an effect, as well as portrayal of what it all means. I liked the importance and relevance blackstar brought to numerous aspects that he had been working on in his past posts, and brought it to a certain fullness.
Example one:
Quote:Black☆Star, however, did not take his words as ones of kindness. They were taken as a challenge, and this as not someone who was likely to say no to challenge of any kind.
Example two:
Quote:Tsu, we need to get one more hit in, the pair communicated through their mock telepathy once again, you can do that right? Of course. Everything in one, right? the woman asked calmly. Black☆Star merely chuckled in response as he trudged over the barricade. He sprung into a high somersault, launching the pair of scythes towards his opponent. In the same instant, Magus let the roiling mass of dark energy free. With a sickening crunch, the scythes connected with the mage’s nose and another gruesome sizzling erupted from Black☆Star as the pair once again hit the ground, spent.
This ending, which was very profound, helped me feel very tied into the story, and I felt like I had a good idea how the story was actually well weaved into your character. In the future, be careful these two are not dependent on one another, having a strong character but less of a story can sometimes make the intrigue much less, and vice versa.
Story:3
I liked the way you interacted with Tsubaki, you harnessed the feud/rivalry with Magus in a way that I appreciated and found captivating. Magus and you both played your ‘enemy’ card very well, and I feel like a three matches up to that.
The reason I didn’t score you higher (and magus, for that matter), was for a few different reasons.
I found your character captivating, and was excited to see what you would both do next, however there wasn’t anything dramatic that caught my eye enough to evoke emotion. BUTheywaitaminuteIdidthathere
Quote:”Only, Black☆Star grunted, room, wheezed, for one assassin in this arena. and finally growled towards his opponent.”
I see this, and I felt like the passion that Blackstar had behind this sentence alone was very powerful. It intertwined blackstar’s pride into his motivation, and I personally was stunned. Before I go on to say more, I wanted to say that this was also effectively framed, and I could easily notice the “climactic” hold that you had on me, your audience. You mentioned the stakes, (blackstar’s pride/honor) subtly but I didn’t feel like I had to guess that you were fighting to be the best.
I liked your narrative, as well as you didn’t feel like you had to make it “perfect” to the reader. I’d like to reference again that you mentioned some struggle earlier on, which I felt gave you good material to build off of, and gave your character personal success in this category. (Ie, your referenced your character’s weaknesses and deprivations granted from the omniverse, which seems like it would be obvious, but I think that the way you made it personal gave me incentive enough to realize the reasons that Blackstar’s personal struggle became a part of the story.)
Grammar and Spelling: 3
I’m going to be honest, I did notice a few grammatical errors such as a skipped comma in front of a quote, or an accidental missed “[“ mark. I’m not a huge fan of bolding a character’s text instead of using quotation marks, however personal bias really shouldn’t weigh into this category too much. There were a few errors, so a perfect grade wasn’t given, however I don’t feel in any way that you did poorly. Most of the stuff was noticeable and could have been fixed in a proofread.
Total score: 15
The winner is Magus!