10-16-2015, 02:58 AM
Colosseum - Round 1, Group B - Tartaros vs Rin
Rin
Description and Clarity: 2
You kept me on point for the most part with your writing, but there were definitely areas where I needed to re-read to properly focus the image in my head.
This is an example of an action segment that could use some tuning. You mentioned barricades in other place and such defenes in the arena, but I didn’t get a sense of the scale of the battlefield you were in beyond your mention of the crowd. I was able to fathom the fight area when you were close to Tartaros, but everytime you tactically retreated to regain Rin’s focus I didn’t get a feel for the arena size or where he was going.
Voice: 4
This is where you really came across to me in your writing. You gave me insight into Rin was thinking and how he handled combat. (Tying a piece of cloth around his leg injury). Your use of colored text to insert his voice into your style of formatting made it easy for me to establish when he was speaking without having to squint.
Character: 4
You excelled in this area as well. Your writing really conveyed Rin’s convictions through his combat. Without knowing anything about your character going into reading your fight (My fault <3) I left knowing that he was a half demon, wielded a named sword, considers himself a son of satan, and gets passionate about his fights.
Story: 3
While you did a good job showing me the fight between you and Tartaros I was left wanting in the end still. Attacking with the same jump slash and flame attack to burn Tartaros was repetitive, but that could just be Rin’s style. Impaling him was a nice touch though. In the end the fight was too short to get to know your character well enough beyond a simple gladitorial fight.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
You had some tough times here as well. Nothing too serious, but I did notice many plural words that were missing letters or missing a word in a sentence. Nothing an extra proof read or two couldn’t solve. My advice to you? Either wait a day and re-read it or step away for a few minutes, grab a drink and then read the post again.
TOTAL: 16
Tartaros
Description and Clarity: 4
Your description of the arena, Tartaros, and his movement throughout the fight was very nice. From the mud he was trudging through to the ash on his armor there isn’t much I could recommend for improvement.
Voice: 4
I was easily able to establish who Tartaros was through your writing. Your grizzled war veteran persona was a nice touch. I got a sense of what made him so grumpy through your writing which is fantastic.
Character: 3
While I was able to pick up Tartaros as a character I didn’t find him having a reason for fighting beyond needing to know the name of his quarry. That was a good touch, but was the only thing that really brought who the character was to the fight beyond his weapons and persona. I wanted to get inside his mind more, but this might just be because of the limited space in which I’m reading.
Story: 4
Your ability to weave everything together was great. Between the description of the shotgun hitting Rin or his disgust at the weapon racks near the entrance it was a good read. Every time you describe an action or took damage it was fluid and intricately written so I knew where he would have been hit had I been sitting in the stands myself .
Grammar and Spelling: 4
There isn’t much to improve here. I couldn’t find anything to fix beyond a couple possible comma placements or incorrect words. You did a good job of proof reading and making sure everything was formatted properly.
TOTAL: 19
@Rin & Tartaros: Both of you did a great job. I really enjoyed your fight. Fantastic work! :awesome:
Rin
Description and Clarity: 2
You kept me on point for the most part with your writing, but there were definitely areas where I needed to re-read to properly focus the image in my head.
Quote: Just to get back at the man for cutting his knee, Rin sheathed his blade, causing the flames that engulfed it and his body to die down. Running out from behind cover, the exorcist began dashing back and forth as fast as he could. This seemed to confuse his opponent, as he only saw the boy vanishing and reappearing a few feet from where he once was.
This is an example of an action segment that could use some tuning. You mentioned barricades in other place and such defenes in the arena, but I didn’t get a sense of the scale of the battlefield you were in beyond your mention of the crowd. I was able to fathom the fight area when you were close to Tartaros, but everytime you tactically retreated to regain Rin’s focus I didn’t get a feel for the arena size or where he was going.
Voice: 4
This is where you really came across to me in your writing. You gave me insight into Rin was thinking and how he handled combat. (Tying a piece of cloth around his leg injury). Your use of colored text to insert his voice into your style of formatting made it easy for me to establish when he was speaking without having to squint.
Character: 4
You excelled in this area as well. Your writing really conveyed Rin’s convictions through his combat. Without knowing anything about your character going into reading your fight (My fault <3) I left knowing that he was a half demon, wielded a named sword, considers himself a son of satan, and gets passionate about his fights.
Story: 3
While you did a good job showing me the fight between you and Tartaros I was left wanting in the end still. Attacking with the same jump slash and flame attack to burn Tartaros was repetitive, but that could just be Rin’s style. Impaling him was a nice touch though. In the end the fight was too short to get to know your character well enough beyond a simple gladitorial fight.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
You had some tough times here as well. Nothing too serious, but I did notice many plural words that were missing letters or missing a word in a sentence. Nothing an extra proof read or two couldn’t solve. My advice to you? Either wait a day and re-read it or step away for a few minutes, grab a drink and then read the post again.
TOTAL: 16
Tartaros
Description and Clarity: 4
Your description of the arena, Tartaros, and his movement throughout the fight was very nice. From the mud he was trudging through to the ash on his armor there isn’t much I could recommend for improvement.
Voice: 4
I was easily able to establish who Tartaros was through your writing. Your grizzled war veteran persona was a nice touch. I got a sense of what made him so grumpy through your writing which is fantastic.
Character: 3
While I was able to pick up Tartaros as a character I didn’t find him having a reason for fighting beyond needing to know the name of his quarry. That was a good touch, but was the only thing that really brought who the character was to the fight beyond his weapons and persona. I wanted to get inside his mind more, but this might just be because of the limited space in which I’m reading.
Story: 4
Your ability to weave everything together was great. Between the description of the shotgun hitting Rin or his disgust at the weapon racks near the entrance it was a good read. Every time you describe an action or took damage it was fluid and intricately written so I knew where he would have been hit had I been sitting in the stands myself .
Grammar and Spelling: 4
There isn’t much to improve here. I couldn’t find anything to fix beyond a couple possible comma placements or incorrect words. You did a good job of proof reading and making sure everything was formatted properly.
TOTAL: 19
WINNER: TARTAROS
@Rin & Tartaros: Both of you did a great job. I really enjoyed your fight. Fantastic work! :awesome: