09-23-2015, 08:35 PM
Zangetsu
Description and Clarity: 2.5
I got lost very rarely in your work, and for the most part I had a very clear idea of what was going on. That’s a good thing!
However, a lot of your description came off very flat and didn’t give the reader a lot to chew on. With the same “this is a fight and therefore constrained” exceptions as Dante got, you could still be working more descriptive detail into your writing. Use our senses, use adjectives, describe to us the little details about objects, movements and words. Fill the world with details that define it so that it feels more “lived in.”
The senses work well in this situation, and as I mentioned before, it is the eternal temptation of the writer to think of his writing as a movie or a TV show in terms of action, because we can “see” the actions in our head. We’re trained to do that by our media. However, in the medium of writing, we have access to ALL of the reader’s senses, and therefore we are given an opportunity to truly give a scene life by stimulating ALL of them. Not just sight, but subtle sounds, smells, textures and feelings. Give us EVERYTHING in vivid detail, and never be afraid to find just the right word to express what you want to convey.
You are also doing a lot of TELLING instead of SHOWING. You are TELLING us how your character feels, why he is doing something, and how he is thinking. Instead, let his actions, his subtle movements, his expressions, and his words do those things, at least some of the time. By showing us how a character is acting instead of flat out telling us, you make them more real, more tangible.
You did a good job of identifying exactly who you were talking about by using the character’s names, which avoided a lot of confusion. However, seeing the same name again and again in the same sentences can be a bit dry. Instead, think of synonyms for the characters. You peppered in, “half-demon” a few times, but broaden that out. Use the character’s attributes to identify them, use the situation. It’ll help break up your writing and give it a bit more texture.
All of the physical descriptions you gave of the fight scenes were pretty clear, so I’d focus on other areas.
Voice: 2
Because you didn’t bring a lot of description to life, a lot of your writing felt fairly flat. I couldn’t feel the emotion of the situation or understand the tension of the characters inherently through the writing, so you had to tell me. Use more vibrant descriptions, and make sure that a bit of personality gets through your writing.
Try changing the pace that you make sentences by imagining your words as a camera, slowly revealing parts of a shot. If you want to speed things up, use shorter sentences with slightly less detail. If you want to slow things down, really hang on every detail, make sure the reader is panting in anticipation for the resolution of the scene.
You can show the personality of a character through the way you write about them, not just by flat-out telling us how they are thinking or feeling, so play with that. Practice making details personal, and making sure each movement and action speaks about the person that’s doing them.
If you work on the depth of your description, I think this score will come up.
Character: 2.5
I liked a lot of the ideas you put forward with Zangetsu, but I feel like a lot of them didn’t translate into this fight. It’s an inherently cool character idea, so it’s naturally intriguing. There’s such a great potential for knowledge, growth, struggle and realization in this character that the possibilities are almost endless, which is why I was a little disappointed when you didn’t play with the ample opportunities to make it into a truly dynamic experience.
I think the problem in this was that you focused really hard on the physical aspects of the fight and so a lot of the things that made your character interesting didn’t make the cut. You threw in a couple of insults and quips here and there, and towards the end you showed us some of his conclusions he’s drawn, but I was left wanting MORE.
If he’s testing a character, it’s about MORE than the fight, you know? I feel like, as the writer, you were focused on winning the fight instead of exploring the character and what this fight means to them. Ironically, that kind of shot you in the foot rather than helped you out.
Keep who your character IS in mind, and show his motivations through his actions and words. Keep the character’s goals and feelings at the forefront of your mind, even during a fight.
Story: 2.5
A lot of your decisions for the story were based solely on the physical movement of the fight. I appreciate the dynamic nature you gave us as the characters shared back and forth movement, and the way you creatively dealt with problems was fun to read, especially with the clarity you wrote them with.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Again, you’re about what I’d expect for the site, and that’s not a bad thing. You are actually probably better than quite a few writers here, but there’s still room to improve. Practice and read up on some of the other reviews on the site, ESPECIALLY ZELDA’S. Zelda gives great advise on grammar, and looking at a few of her examples is a great idea.
In most cases you would have done a lot better to just remove them entirely. Check out Dante’s review for an example of how.
Also watch out for hanging punctuation, like that errant ‘ at the beginning there. I have no idea what purpose it was meant to serve, especially on its own. Editing.
TOTAL: 11.5
Description and Clarity: 2.5
I got lost very rarely in your work, and for the most part I had a very clear idea of what was going on. That’s a good thing!
However, a lot of your description came off very flat and didn’t give the reader a lot to chew on. With the same “this is a fight and therefore constrained” exceptions as Dante got, you could still be working more descriptive detail into your writing. Use our senses, use adjectives, describe to us the little details about objects, movements and words. Fill the world with details that define it so that it feels more “lived in.”
The senses work well in this situation, and as I mentioned before, it is the eternal temptation of the writer to think of his writing as a movie or a TV show in terms of action, because we can “see” the actions in our head. We’re trained to do that by our media. However, in the medium of writing, we have access to ALL of the reader’s senses, and therefore we are given an opportunity to truly give a scene life by stimulating ALL of them. Not just sight, but subtle sounds, smells, textures and feelings. Give us EVERYTHING in vivid detail, and never be afraid to find just the right word to express what you want to convey.
Quote: He chuckled and took his sword into both of his hands, taking the ready stance commonly found among the Soul Reaper's form of Kendo as Dante motioned for him to ready himself.You are also suffering from a lot of the word repetition that Dante did, which is a fairly common issue for a lot of writers on the site and elsewhere. “Taking” and “took” are not only repeated, but could be easily replaced with more descriptive words. For example, “Taking the ready stance” could have been, “slid into,” “firmly stepped into,” “hopped into,” “stomped into,” etc. Forcing yourself to not repeat words MAKES you describe actions more accurately because you’ll have to crack open a thesaurus and find related words.
You are also doing a lot of TELLING instead of SHOWING. You are TELLING us how your character feels, why he is doing something, and how he is thinking. Instead, let his actions, his subtle movements, his expressions, and his words do those things, at least some of the time. By showing us how a character is acting instead of flat out telling us, you make them more real, more tangible.
You did a good job of identifying exactly who you were talking about by using the character’s names, which avoided a lot of confusion. However, seeing the same name again and again in the same sentences can be a bit dry. Instead, think of synonyms for the characters. You peppered in, “half-demon” a few times, but broaden that out. Use the character’s attributes to identify them, use the situation. It’ll help break up your writing and give it a bit more texture.
Quote: He would be Damned if this was the end of Dante's display.There were also a few times when I was confused by what you meant, so just make sure what you’ve got down makes sense in the context you’ve given.
All of the physical descriptions you gave of the fight scenes were pretty clear, so I’d focus on other areas.
Voice: 2
Because you didn’t bring a lot of description to life, a lot of your writing felt fairly flat. I couldn’t feel the emotion of the situation or understand the tension of the characters inherently through the writing, so you had to tell me. Use more vibrant descriptions, and make sure that a bit of personality gets through your writing.
Try changing the pace that you make sentences by imagining your words as a camera, slowly revealing parts of a shot. If you want to speed things up, use shorter sentences with slightly less detail. If you want to slow things down, really hang on every detail, make sure the reader is panting in anticipation for the resolution of the scene.
You can show the personality of a character through the way you write about them, not just by flat-out telling us how they are thinking or feeling, so play with that. Practice making details personal, and making sure each movement and action speaks about the person that’s doing them.
If you work on the depth of your description, I think this score will come up.
Character: 2.5
I liked a lot of the ideas you put forward with Zangetsu, but I feel like a lot of them didn’t translate into this fight. It’s an inherently cool character idea, so it’s naturally intriguing. There’s such a great potential for knowledge, growth, struggle and realization in this character that the possibilities are almost endless, which is why I was a little disappointed when you didn’t play with the ample opportunities to make it into a truly dynamic experience.
I think the problem in this was that you focused really hard on the physical aspects of the fight and so a lot of the things that made your character interesting didn’t make the cut. You threw in a couple of insults and quips here and there, and towards the end you showed us some of his conclusions he’s drawn, but I was left wanting MORE.
If he’s testing a character, it’s about MORE than the fight, you know? I feel like, as the writer, you were focused on winning the fight instead of exploring the character and what this fight means to them. Ironically, that kind of shot you in the foot rather than helped you out.
Keep who your character IS in mind, and show his motivations through his actions and words. Keep the character’s goals and feelings at the forefront of your mind, even during a fight.
Story: 2.5
A lot of your decisions for the story were based solely on the physical movement of the fight. I appreciate the dynamic nature you gave us as the characters shared back and forth movement, and the way you creatively dealt with problems was fun to read, especially with the clarity you wrote them with.
Quote: The spirit regained his footing and charged headfirst into the spray of non-lethal bullets, with the majority of them ricocheting off of Zangetsu's steel. Before long he had reached the source of the steel rain, twisting his wrist and swinging the blade down in an over-head arc, only to clank against the ground as Dante rolled away.That’s an example of the clean, creative writing that make it interesting to read your story. If we could have gone on an equally engaging emotional ride to go with the narrative, it would have really hammered the action home.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Again, you’re about what I’d expect for the site, and that’s not a bad thing. You are actually probably better than quite a few writers here, but there’s still room to improve. Practice and read up on some of the other reviews on the site, ESPECIALLY ZELDA’S. Zelda gives great advise on grammar, and looking at a few of her examples is a great idea.
Quote: 'Dante and Rebellion... better fitting.. than IYou’re also struggling with ellipses, but yours especially so because you aren’t completing them. “..” isn’t an ellipses, you need a full 3 periods to make it correct, like, “…”
In most cases you would have done a lot better to just remove them entirely. Check out Dante’s review for an example of how.
Also watch out for hanging punctuation, like that errant ‘ at the beginning there. I have no idea what purpose it was meant to serve, especially on its own. Editing.
Quote: While the sword spirit's attention was driven away by the crimson garbed Half Devil, the latter had drawn two shining pistols and opened fired.There were several times when there were just grammatical errors due to editing, and all I can say for that is “edit harder.” It’s harsh, I know, but it’s all we can really do to improve. I’m a horrible typist and a lazy editor, so these kinds of grammatical and spelling errors bite me in the ass all the time. If you’re competing, take your time and do it right with two, three, or more read-throughs.
TOTAL: 11.5
![[Image: sig2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/KrimTheUnsettler/sig2.jpg)