Fight Challenge: Dante vs. Zangetsu

[Thaal Sinestro]

Yo guys! I really enjoyed the thread. It was a good fight, and it really followed the style and direction of the original media. It was fun to imagine the fight as it was written, and the back and forth was well-paced and enjoyable.

This is how the number system works for the purposes of grading. Keep in mind that a “2” is AVERAGE for the purposes of this grading, so if you don’t see 4s and 5s, that doesn’t mean you did poorly. This site has a high caliber of writers, and doing as well as anyone here certainly isn’t a bad thing!
[spoiler]1: There is room for improvement. Generally the reviewer should highlight how the writer could improve this area as well as direct them to outside sources that can give more help.

2: This section was about average. The writer has room for improvement but about par with the rest of the site’s writing ability. Reviewer should highlight areas to improve and site specific errors or weak spots.

3: This section is above average. The writer has shown a competency higher than the average writer on the site, but can still notably improve. The reviewer can be vague with their ideas for improvement but still include specific details and weak spots.

4: This section was fantastic! The writer took the reins and really took the reader on a journey. Few errors or room for improvement can be found by the reviewer but anything that the reviewer feels could be cleaned up should be noted.

5: This section is one of the best the reviewer has ever seen. This level of writing is on par with professionals with very few errors and the reviewer should have a hard time finding room to improve. This grade should be handed out rarely, and only to the very best writing![/spoiler]

Dante

Description and Clarity: 2
This is a big section, but it also covers a lot.

Overall, you did a pretty good job describing things, and when you are restrained to a word count, sometime description can fall a bit behind out of necessity. However, I DO think that incorporating more descriptive detail can greatly improve your writing.

Giving the reader more information for the senses can really give a scene some spirit, and without it, they can fall a little flat. Especially in a combat situation, it is easy to get caught up in the visual and how exactly things are operating from a technical perspective, but things like sound, smell and feeling can add a layer of humanity that really pulls us in. These details can also be used to lead the reader’s expectations and understanding of what’s happening, or even reveal more about the character through the medium of combat.

I found that sometimes when you were trying to describe what was happening technically, I had a hard time understanding what you meant.
For example:

"Seriously? Just shut up and fight, chalk-face."
With a rude answer to a rude question, Dante took the moment of clashed blades to adopt his two-handed grip in any case, completing at least the second intent of his preliminary attack. That counter-attack leading into the blade clash had ruined his momentum plan, but he'd preserve nonetheless.

This line took me three or four read-throughs to really pick up what you meant. A lot of what you were trying to describe could have been said more simply to make the action more easily understood. It’s a pitfall for a lot of writers and, importantly, one that can be fixed by careful editing. Most of the time when describing actions, make it simpler makes it easier to understand. That doesn’t mean you can’t do complicated things, just ensure that you describe complex actions slowly, clearly, and make sure you read through it and change the way you describe things to be clearer.

Using a clear name or other identifier other than “him,” “he,” “his,” and etc will allow the reader to understand EXACTLY who is acting. I ran into a few moments of confusion because I wasn’t sure whose sword or body was acting or being affected.

Putting the descriptors for your dialogue WITH the dialogue will also “clean up” your description a bit, ensuring that the reader knows exactly what you’re describing.

"Seriously?” Dante gawked, answering a rude question with a rude answer. “Just shut up and fight, chalk-face."
Dante took the moment afforded by the clashed blades to adopt his two-handed grip, at least completing the second intention of his attack. Zangetsu’s counter had ruined his momentum, but he'd preserve nonetheless.

Know that that was only a suggestion, and is certainly far from perfect. I mostly just rearranged the words in the exchange and pruned a few clauses. It was EDITTING that made it clearer because the original writing was solid and had good ideas and word choice.

There are a lot of times when the length and confusion of your sentences was due to repetition.

While Zangetsu made his own show of tasting the half-devil' spilled blood, meanwhile, Dante's vision subtly darted about to track his missing blade.

There are examples like this all over, where by error or intention, you repeat yourself in the sentence. Again, I think editing would help you a lot here.

Voice: 2.5
You had a strong voice in most of the writing! It’s something that can be hampered by the pace of combat, being pushed out for the sake of clarity but you managed to keep it in there for the most part.

And unlike a showdown with Vergil resulting in a combat filled with only their might and skill, Zangetsu seemed to be rather keen at psychological warfare as well, making this a battle on two fronts. Prove Zangetsu's instinct wrong and lose the fight, or win and prove him right?

Obviously, the answer was the one in which that damn sword spirit died and got out of Dante's hair.

That’s a good example of how you kept a bit of spunk in the fight. You can kind of feel some of the personality of the character in the writing itself. It feels loose and a bit cocky, like the character.

It can be pushed a bit further though. Using certain words that describe the situation can really flavor the read. My best suggestion for that is to bust out your thesaurus and use it, finding words that “feel” better for the character. Also, changing the way you structure sentences and where you insert breaks can change the rhythm for the reader, making it easier to see things from the character’s perspective.

I think adding in a bit more flair, fun and a hyper pace would add to this score a lot. You’re touching on a strong, individual “flavor” for your writing style, but pushing it out and getting a bit more comfortable with yourself and the character will go a long way.

Character: 3.5
Dante is an interesting character, and the things you used his history for were very cool. I like the internal conflict you faced us with throughout the fight, because conflict is usually what drives a character like Dante.

As Zangetsu asked his piercing question, Dante reflected the question upon himself in a more proper manner: did he even want this sword? Certainly not now, but in the first place? Strictly speaking, he wanted power. All the power he had lost-

It hit Dante like a motorcycle to the face. He was turning into his brother, driven cold and obsessed with reclaiming all the might and magic he rightfully deserved.

That’s a cool way to work with this character in this situation!

There’s some good dialogue, but it sort of failed to be awesome one-liner material, and it also sort of fell short of what I would call “realistic” conversation or banter. It’s certainly not bad, but working on making it more witty or making it more grounded would pull you out of this “in-between” zone.

You plugged in some of his more memorable moves, the leaping, spinning pistol attack being the highlight of them.

By including the more subtle details of his actions, you can really bring him to life. Tapping his fingers, small adjustments to his clothing, anything. Dante has quite a few little tics he likes to repeat, and finding one that suits your writing of the character might help guide you in fleshing out his idle actions and make him more of a living, breathing, character.

Story: 3
A lot of the story in this fight is tied directly to your character’s development, which makes for a compelling story, especially in the framework of this particular fight. The way that you used the fight as a way to express growth and development, making decisions and realizations about the underlying motivations and desires of your character, was really good.

However, making these changes more emotional, and making them more apparent through the words and actions of the character would have served you better, here. Sometimes you chose to use exposition instead of dialogue or action, TELLING the audience how Dante was feeling and thinking instead of SHOWING us how he was thinking and feeling. It’s more subtle and difficult to write, but it’s ultimately a more rewarding read.

Additionally, I understand why you held off on doing your Devil Trigger till the very end, but also you sort of deprived yourself of a good opportunity to use that character change a bit more. Again, we’re dealing with a fight, with a cramped word count and a restricted number of posts, but having more time in his improved form might have been an interesting insight into the character.

Grammar and Spelling: 2
Decent job here. It’s about what I’d expect from an average thread on the site, even a little bit better. The current themes on the internet follows a lot of themes, and those themes are a strong identifier between an “internet writer” and a professional author. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go grammar psycho all over your work, because it’s not warranted and even professional authors don’t completely follow perfect grammar conventions. Here are some of the things you might want to cut down on:

Zangetsu seemed all too coy. Something of a violent chessmaster, a spirit who wanted his own way only and would twist any rule, any person, to his own gains. And if they didn't cooperate... well, he had a big sword.

Ellipsis: This is the “…” that people use to indicate a pause. It’s a really common crutch in a lot of people’s writing, and it’s never used quite right. It’s one of the BIGGEST indicators of an “internet writer.” Use it when a sentence is ending incomplete, or use it when a sentence will continue later, not in the middle of a sentence. Overall, it’s something I would avoid overall. If there’s a pause in a character’s speech, end the quotation and explain how or why the character is pausing, then continue.

”I just don’t know how I can go on drinking,” Tommy paused, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, “All those bottles. All that milk.”

Dante was privy to the working of people like this, but not exactly bearing Zangetsu's attitude. But the Son of Sparda had an advantage yet, with Zangetsu having injected his own understanding and being into Dante.

Here is what smart people say about starting sentences with And and But:
[spoiler]There is a persistent belief that it is improper to begin a sentence with And, but this prohibition has been cheerfully ignored by standard authors from Anglo-Saxon times onwards. An initial And is a useful aid to writers as the narrative continues.
from The New Fowler's Modern English Usage
edited by R.W. Burchfield. Clarendon Press: Oxford, England. 1996.

The same is true with the conjunction but. A sentence beginning with and or but will tend to draw attention to itself and its transitional function. Writers should examine such sentences with two questions in mind: (1) would the sentence and paragraph function just as well without the initial conjunction? (2) should the sentence in question be connected to the previous sentence? If the initial conjunction still seems appropriate, use it. <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm">http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm</a><!-- m -->[/spoiler]
That about covers it. Did you NEED that “But”? Probably not, so cut it.

Devil Arms were spirit and instinct too, but Zangetsu was far more than that, and far more dangerous, therefore.

Sentence structure. The way that “therefore” is tacked onto the end of this sentence makes it a rough, choppy read. The sentence would have been fine without it, but if you wanted it in there it would have done better earlier.

Devil Arms were spirit and instinct too, but Zangetsu was far more than that, and therefore far more dangerous.

TOTAL: 13
Work on slimming and refining your work. You have a lot of great thoughts, ideas and movements with your character, but your biggest downfall is that you aren’t editing and purifying your sentences. Make them clear, concise, ensure that every word is as well places as it can be.

I don’t do this in every post, obviously, and most people don’t. But practicing and perfecting your editing skills will make or break your writing. Comb through your work, and you’ll see the quality rise.