04-25-2017, 09:51 AM
Quote:Channel 4 - The Cooking Channel - Get Beefed: Omniverse Cooking With Beef Tillerson (Series finale)A tall, bulky young man wearing a chef's hat, an apron, and a red muscle-shirt with a picture of his own face on it stands behind a counter in a lavishly appointed chrome-steel kitchen. He speaks quickly, moves decisively, and he has the kind of hyperkinetic smile that in anybody other than a cooking show host suggests they have a jar full of severed thumbs in the glovebox of their car.
On top of the counter there are mixing bowls filled with ingredients. Spinach. Lettuce. Steaks. Something gray and rubbery that twitches occasionally and leaks black fluid. There are also several bottles of various sauce, a pepper-grinder, and an assortment of knives.
The host begins to talk. Instantly, the more perceptive viewers suspect they have made a serious mistake.
"Heyyyyyyyyyyyy! Cookers and Hookers! It's The Beef, comin' atcha live from the bitchin' kitchens of Costa del Sol! We got somethin' really special for you today, so keep your hands outta your panties and your sunglasses on, cause this is gonna get Hot!"
'The Beef' punches the air and does a little spin. All of us die a little inside. He turns his attention to the counter, gesturing with open hands to indicate the spread.
"I'm gonna show all," he says uncharacteristically calm for a moment, "how to make hamburgers." The wattage on his grin increases back to its normal level and he drums on the counter with his hands. "WEREWOLF hamburgers. The stuff in this bowl here is 100% premium werewolf, straight from the Pale Moors! Now, if you're a finicky bitch, you might be saying to me, 'Beef, aren't werewolves people? People who are sometimes dogs?' Well, maybe you wouldn't eat a person, and maybe you wouldn't eat a dog - I don't know you, you might eat dogs. I eat eats dogs - but let me tell ya, that's no reason not to eat a werewolf. They're full of omega-3s, they got all kindsa natural hormones that'll help you bulk up fast, and there's enough vitamin E in 'em to last you all week. Besides, they'd eat you, so it's only fair, and when you mince 'em up really fine and mix 'em with steak....UNF."
Beef makes a face we would have paid him millions not to make.
The host rearranges the bowls on the counter, dumping out the contents of the bowl with the gray-and-black stuff in it onto a cutting board and pulling out an impressive-looking knife. "Now, the first thing you gotta do is catch and butcher your werewolf. My bro Chadwick took care'a that for me before the show, which just leaves the preparation. Now the first thing you gotta do, is mince your werewolf up real fine. "
He holds up the knife for the camera. The camera zooms in as he turns it so that the audience can get a good look. "I'm using a santoku knife, high-carbon steel. I've doped the edge with silver to keep the meat from regenerating. That's very important when you're preparin' werewolf! If you forget, you'll be cuttin' all day!"
The camera zooms out and Beef begins to dice up the stack of werewolf-meat with quick, expert strokes.
"Now, as you at home can see, my technique is pretty dope. What I'm doing here, I'm dragging the knife across the flesh, lettin' the blade do the work. That's very important when you're preparing raw werewolf. It'll get tender after you cook it, but when its still fresh its tough as anything."
Suddenly, there's a bang from offscreen. Someone screams. A deep male voice says 'Hey, you can't be in he-' Only to be abruptly cut off by an electric crackle.
Beef looks up, indignant. "Hey, what the hell, marty? Get those assholes off the set! I'm tryin' to do a show he-"
"HE'S GOT A KNIFE!"
A barrage of ruby-red blaster-fire rips into the kitchen, overturning pots and pans, exploding gas-powered cooking-ranges, and sending 'The Beef' ducking behind his counter. Stormtroopers with Costa del Sol unit insignia on the shoulders of their white-plated armor swarm across the screen, drag the host from his hiding place and slam him facedown on the counter, sending his chef's hat rolling and overturning the one surviving bowl of ingredients.
"Target secure," one of them says. Another addresses the host, artificially-modulated voice even and near-emotionless.
"You can't do this to me, Bro!" screams Beef. "I"m The Beef!"
"Maurice 'Beef' Tillerson, you're under arrest for violation of Imperial code 197.23.4.7, subclause 9: Unsanctioned Preparation of -... wait. Is that camera still on?"
The trooper who appears to be in charge points at the camera and storms towards it, helmet looming large as he closes in. "TURN THAT OFF RIGHT N-"
The screen goes to a smiling still-frame of Beef holding a tray of muffins.
"Get Beefed: Omniverse Cooking with Beef Tillerson, will no longer be shown on this station. Tune in Next week for: Journey to The Lost City of Pancakes!"