07-31-2015, 10:25 AM
True Demon of the Tangle Green
Yoooo, this one hasn’t gotten any love yet, so I figured I’d do this one first, in the event I wuss out and don’t do the other ones haha.
Dudes, great fight. It was very action oriented, and I think there were some good exchanges. There were some cool ideas in here, and it had a good back and forth. Drawbacks and flaws are what makes characters, and the scenes they are in, interesting and guys did a good job of giving each other a few good knocks back and forth.
Overall, you both could benefit from more editing, but Retane especially so. You cleaned it up a lot throughout the fight, but your first post was really hard to keep track of. Word repetition was a problem for you both throughout the fight, as well as spelling and grammatical errors. I understand that, especially in a fight, we’re under a time crunch and that we really, really wanna get it out there. Emotions can run high, even if it’s a writing site. I think this might have actually been one of the things that would have pushed Renji over the edge to victory, if that hammers it home.
I think what I read is what I would expect of a good anime fight. There was a lot of brooding, some cool sword work, and some interesting use of your weapons. While I think that it set the tone very well, you could have done a bit more to mix things up. By the end of it, it was a lot of “and then, through force of will power, he powered through. Then he got stabbed again.” I understand that there’s a limited range of things you can do, but making the fight a little more dynamic and a little less formulaic would have gone a long way.
Renji at one point regained control of his mind, but it quickly faded. It was an interesting change, but not much dynamic change happened because of it. It was just kinda there, then it went away. Where does the drama come from that moment? I like that Retane’s weapon changes noticeably changed his fighting style, but it also seemed like a thing that just sorta HAPPENED. Why? Why did he change? What about changing weapons added to the drama?
The action was clear, clean and concise, absolutely. Cool shit happened. But writing is only interesting if there is character and tone. If we can’t feel the spirit of the character through the words used, if we can’t feel and care about the impacts and the losses they have, it can be hard to get hooked. Action is an expression of character, like everything else in writing, and I feel like that is where this fight suffered the most.
You had the inner dialogues, you TOLD us what they were thinking and feeling, but being monologue at isn’t always the best display of character. SHOW us the character through vivid imagery, pulling out tiny details. What tiny aspects do they notice? What’s the air smell like? What memories, feelings, thoughts? Right now, we have “Two demon guys that fight and very willful and compelled to fight because you gotta PUSH THROUGH,” which is sorta flat, it’s 2 Dimensional, you know? Again, it feels very anime in some parts, which again, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but it can leave something to be desired when there are just two dudes hacking each other to bits.
I also think that a fight like this inherently kind of abandons a lot of the build-up, the story and the conflict that would normally give us those things. When it’s just two dudes who meet and wanna kill each other, we lose out, big time, on a lot of the inherent drama of conflict. It also means there’s less for you to draw on as writers. So, as far as all that goes, that’s definitely something I can’t pin on you for not handling well.
However, it does point us in the direction of “wow, it would have been cool if this conflict was the result of a long-term rivalry” or something, you know? Like, a story that leads up to conflict inherently is more interesting. Maybe next time you dudes fight another person, it would be cool to see their relationship outside of slashing and bleeding and SUPER WILLPOWER ARGH. I bet it would have made every little aspect of the fight more impactful, even if it was written exactly as it is now.
On the action itself, there’s very little to really say bad about! It’s all super clear what’s happening. I myself might have written more specific and grabbing details, more similes, more metaphors, but that’s a style thing. Good work, both of you.
Overall, I support the decision that was made, if only for the grammar. Other than that, it was super close. You both actually have a similar writing style, and I implore you both to look for a bolder, personal voice in your writing. It’s hard, and it’s hard to define what that even means, so I know that doesn’t help much.
Yoooo, this one hasn’t gotten any love yet, so I figured I’d do this one first, in the event I wuss out and don’t do the other ones haha.
Dudes, great fight. It was very action oriented, and I think there were some good exchanges. There were some cool ideas in here, and it had a good back and forth. Drawbacks and flaws are what makes characters, and the scenes they are in, interesting and guys did a good job of giving each other a few good knocks back and forth.
Overall, you both could benefit from more editing, but Retane especially so. You cleaned it up a lot throughout the fight, but your first post was really hard to keep track of. Word repetition was a problem for you both throughout the fight, as well as spelling and grammatical errors. I understand that, especially in a fight, we’re under a time crunch and that we really, really wanna get it out there. Emotions can run high, even if it’s a writing site. I think this might have actually been one of the things that would have pushed Renji over the edge to victory, if that hammers it home.
I think what I read is what I would expect of a good anime fight. There was a lot of brooding, some cool sword work, and some interesting use of your weapons. While I think that it set the tone very well, you could have done a bit more to mix things up. By the end of it, it was a lot of “and then, through force of will power, he powered through. Then he got stabbed again.” I understand that there’s a limited range of things you can do, but making the fight a little more dynamic and a little less formulaic would have gone a long way.
Renji at one point regained control of his mind, but it quickly faded. It was an interesting change, but not much dynamic change happened because of it. It was just kinda there, then it went away. Where does the drama come from that moment? I like that Retane’s weapon changes noticeably changed his fighting style, but it also seemed like a thing that just sorta HAPPENED. Why? Why did he change? What about changing weapons added to the drama?
The action was clear, clean and concise, absolutely. Cool shit happened. But writing is only interesting if there is character and tone. If we can’t feel the spirit of the character through the words used, if we can’t feel and care about the impacts and the losses they have, it can be hard to get hooked. Action is an expression of character, like everything else in writing, and I feel like that is where this fight suffered the most.
You had the inner dialogues, you TOLD us what they were thinking and feeling, but being monologue at isn’t always the best display of character. SHOW us the character through vivid imagery, pulling out tiny details. What tiny aspects do they notice? What’s the air smell like? What memories, feelings, thoughts? Right now, we have “Two demon guys that fight and very willful and compelled to fight because you gotta PUSH THROUGH,” which is sorta flat, it’s 2 Dimensional, you know? Again, it feels very anime in some parts, which again, isn’t inherently a bad thing, but it can leave something to be desired when there are just two dudes hacking each other to bits.
I also think that a fight like this inherently kind of abandons a lot of the build-up, the story and the conflict that would normally give us those things. When it’s just two dudes who meet and wanna kill each other, we lose out, big time, on a lot of the inherent drama of conflict. It also means there’s less for you to draw on as writers. So, as far as all that goes, that’s definitely something I can’t pin on you for not handling well.
However, it does point us in the direction of “wow, it would have been cool if this conflict was the result of a long-term rivalry” or something, you know? Like, a story that leads up to conflict inherently is more interesting. Maybe next time you dudes fight another person, it would be cool to see their relationship outside of slashing and bleeding and SUPER WILLPOWER ARGH. I bet it would have made every little aspect of the fight more impactful, even if it was written exactly as it is now.
On the action itself, there’s very little to really say bad about! It’s all super clear what’s happening. I myself might have written more specific and grabbing details, more similes, more metaphors, but that’s a style thing. Good work, both of you.
Overall, I support the decision that was made, if only for the grammar. Other than that, it was super close. You both actually have a similar writing style, and I implore you both to look for a bolder, personal voice in your writing. It’s hard, and it’s hard to define what that even means, so I know that doesn’t help much.
![[Image: sig2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/KrimTheUnsettler/sig2.jpg)