07-26-2015, 08:16 AM
Big Apple:
Your ability to describe a scene is fantastic! My imagination was filled with a view of Coruscant through Ditto's eyes.
The contrast between Ditto's wonderment at his surroundings and his irritation at the press of people around him was something I particularly enjoyed. You've done a good job of making what is essentially a "blank slate" into a relatable, and fun, character. I can only hope you stick with him, because I am enjoying the read, my friend.
With the closeness to "dictator" in the previous sentence, I would suggest you change "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of that dictator" to "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of the man who ruled over this place."
Ditto's drive to not just emulate the form, but also the substance of his target comes up a lot in your writing, and I enjoy it every time. Too many times you see people who take the shape of, say, a wolf, but don't describe what it would actually FEEL to be a wolf. You do well in making that connection, though I feel some more immersion would be nice. Of course, Giovanni and Ditto are so close in personality that maybe it's just hard for me to see the distinction.
You've certainly crafted Ditto into a fine villain. Not happy with simply conquering, he wants to build his own empire. I see a lot of parallels between him and Ganondorf, and that's making for an interesting read.
At the end of your first post I got a tinge of worry for Ditto. He didn't have time to study his target before he changed, and a large part of the character seems to come from his immersion in the target's personality. I'm finding myself hoping that he doesn't get found out in the next post.
Ha! Lucky Ditto! Those Troopers were more focused on their mission than on his strangeness. Good thing he didn't stick with them, I doubt they would have continued to disregard him for long. I know for the narrative you were telling, you used them as a tool to let you get down to Tier 4 in a natural way, but I would have liked to see Ditto get found out. I doubt the Troopers haven't had to deal with Shapeshifters before, though I suppose one could say they were a bit preoccupied to give you a second look.
I'm finding it hard to spot things I would change in your story. You are a fantastic writer, one whom I enjoyed writing with in our various meetings as Link and Ganondorf. I hope Ditto and Ganondorf can meet sometime, just to see who is the better at word play.
"Broomhead power walked to Ditto and cracked his temple with the butt of his gun. Ditto fell to one knee, feeling a warm wetness on his forehead." needs a dash between "power" and "walked". Power-walked. Otherwise, looking good
You continue to set the scene for the Tiers you've been going through tremendously, and Ditto's revulsion at being touched translated well.
Your ability with dialogue, and speech patterns, is impressive.
I've been spotting a few grammatical or spelling errors here and there, but none have distracted from the ride.
Ditto certainly has a knack for getting himself into trouble and being cocky about it. We'll see if he can back it up.
Oh ho! Machoke vs Machoke. Nice. The only thing that would have made it better would have been having a "flex-off" with the thug and saying, "Do you even lift, bro?"
Ditto continues to be cocky. A few of his opponents seem like they might be pushovers, but a fair number seem like they would be a fair threat to any Prime. Let's see how this continues.
Honestly? A bit disappointed that Ditto didn't have a harder time with the thugs. I feel like the accomplishment of gaining control of the gang would have been sweeter had Ditto had to try harder.
The gunshot wound on Ditto seemed to come from nowhere. I feel like you could have been a bit more clear in when it actually occured.
Not finding a whole lot that I haven't stated in the course of the first two posts so far in the third one. This glimpse into more of Ditto's plan is interesting though. As is his callous disregard for life.
Kinda a strange turn that Broomhead went from mostly a coward to suddenly swinging at Ditto. Not totally out of character from what I read, but considering he JUST had a gun pointed at his head, it felt a bit off. Like something Metal Face would have done instead.
I'm really finding myself entranced by the level of intrigue you have going on with the gangs and the races.
I like how the thugs, despite having been beaten, didn't immediately drop into fearful submissive roles.
Nice to see Enigma put Ditto on his heels, even if just for a moment. The back and forth between them was entertaining.
A lead in to the last Artifact quest too? Not too shabby.
Not much else I can say about the rest that wasn't said before. It was certainly an entertaining read and I hope to read more in the future.
Your ability to describe a scene is fantastic! My imagination was filled with a view of Coruscant through Ditto's eyes.
The contrast between Ditto's wonderment at his surroundings and his irritation at the press of people around him was something I particularly enjoyed. You've done a good job of making what is essentially a "blank slate" into a relatable, and fun, character. I can only hope you stick with him, because I am enjoying the read, my friend.
With the closeness to "dictator" in the previous sentence, I would suggest you change "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of that dictator" to "Ditto wondered if he could find a picture of the man who ruled over this place."
Ditto's drive to not just emulate the form, but also the substance of his target comes up a lot in your writing, and I enjoy it every time. Too many times you see people who take the shape of, say, a wolf, but don't describe what it would actually FEEL to be a wolf. You do well in making that connection, though I feel some more immersion would be nice. Of course, Giovanni and Ditto are so close in personality that maybe it's just hard for me to see the distinction.
You've certainly crafted Ditto into a fine villain. Not happy with simply conquering, he wants to build his own empire. I see a lot of parallels between him and Ganondorf, and that's making for an interesting read.
At the end of your first post I got a tinge of worry for Ditto. He didn't have time to study his target before he changed, and a large part of the character seems to come from his immersion in the target's personality. I'm finding myself hoping that he doesn't get found out in the next post.
Ha! Lucky Ditto! Those Troopers were more focused on their mission than on his strangeness. Good thing he didn't stick with them, I doubt they would have continued to disregard him for long. I know for the narrative you were telling, you used them as a tool to let you get down to Tier 4 in a natural way, but I would have liked to see Ditto get found out. I doubt the Troopers haven't had to deal with Shapeshifters before, though I suppose one could say they were a bit preoccupied to give you a second look.
I'm finding it hard to spot things I would change in your story. You are a fantastic writer, one whom I enjoyed writing with in our various meetings as Link and Ganondorf. I hope Ditto and Ganondorf can meet sometime, just to see who is the better at word play.
"Broomhead power walked to Ditto and cracked his temple with the butt of his gun. Ditto fell to one knee, feeling a warm wetness on his forehead." needs a dash between "power" and "walked". Power-walked. Otherwise, looking good
You continue to set the scene for the Tiers you've been going through tremendously, and Ditto's revulsion at being touched translated well.
Your ability with dialogue, and speech patterns, is impressive.
I've been spotting a few grammatical or spelling errors here and there, but none have distracted from the ride.
Ditto certainly has a knack for getting himself into trouble and being cocky about it. We'll see if he can back it up.
Oh ho! Machoke vs Machoke. Nice. The only thing that would have made it better would have been having a "flex-off" with the thug and saying, "Do you even lift, bro?"
Ditto continues to be cocky. A few of his opponents seem like they might be pushovers, but a fair number seem like they would be a fair threat to any Prime. Let's see how this continues.
Honestly? A bit disappointed that Ditto didn't have a harder time with the thugs. I feel like the accomplishment of gaining control of the gang would have been sweeter had Ditto had to try harder.
The gunshot wound on Ditto seemed to come from nowhere. I feel like you could have been a bit more clear in when it actually occured.
Not finding a whole lot that I haven't stated in the course of the first two posts so far in the third one. This glimpse into more of Ditto's plan is interesting though. As is his callous disregard for life.
Kinda a strange turn that Broomhead went from mostly a coward to suddenly swinging at Ditto. Not totally out of character from what I read, but considering he JUST had a gun pointed at his head, it felt a bit off. Like something Metal Face would have done instead.
I'm really finding myself entranced by the level of intrigue you have going on with the gangs and the races.
I like how the thugs, despite having been beaten, didn't immediately drop into fearful submissive roles.
Nice to see Enigma put Ditto on his heels, even if just for a moment. The back and forth between them was entertaining.
A lead in to the last Artifact quest too? Not too shabby.
Not much else I can say about the rest that wasn't said before. It was certainly an entertaining read and I hope to read more in the future.