07-21-2015, 08:47 PM
I'll be reviewing these as I get to them throughout the next however long this lasts. I just don't wanna forget any of my thoughts so I want to go ahead and get out the reviews as I finish 'em. Starting with this one:
Ain't Cutting No Ice - Lubbock, Gin, Alain, Mami
Wow! I had read the first couple of posts of this a few weeks ago, but I had sort of lost track of it amidst whatever the hell I've been doing. I am incredibly glad Proto put it on the list this week though, because I was happy to jump back in and see more of what's going on! So let me just start by saying that I had an absolute blast reading it. You have a fun, interesting little story going on here and you guys have a GREAT chemistry as writers and characters.
That's probably my favorite thing about this whole thread; the way the four of you work together is spectacular. I always thought that your characters just looked good together in my head (the quartet of Lubbock, Gin, Mami, and Alain seems like quite a natural progression to me) and it definitely transfers to the page. The way the personalities of these guys interact is cool. I'll cite some specific examples. Lubbock/Mami, I absolutely love the weird little flirty rapport you guys have going on. I don't know if you're playing on exploring that dynamic in depth, but even if you aren't, the little jokes are nice. Sometimes they feel slightly out of place, but they still make me giggle, so whatever. It's fun.
Lubbock, going off of that, I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent about you. I think you've got a really solid character going on here but I would be careful of letting him get too girl-crazy. I only say this because I've played girl-crazy characters before and it's hard to find a lot of depth when everything your character does depends on how the hot femme of the group views them. It's just a little trap that I think you can avoid because you're a good writer and you've got a handle on him, and I just wanted to say that from personal experience.
I love the dynamic of these guys and how young they are, truly. I'm looking at your rosters and I can only find Gin's age, but I'm guessing at least Lubbock and Mami are both also around their late teens. You can definitely tell from just their entire attitude about the adventure and how they interact with each other. Lubbock, a cool little detail you had that I liked was when Lubbock decided to literally go deeper in the cave to change because he was afraid of being seen by his friends in his skivvies. I think that's cool because that's something that defines him as a teenager, rather than an adult who'd probably just change without a care in the world.
On a similar note, Mami, I love how she takes the maternal role. Gosh, these boys, they need a strong hand like Mami's to keep them afloat and she is there to make sure they don't do anything foolish. Love that.
Alain, I don't know if you're anywhere close in in-character age to the others, but he's pretty separated from them anyway, which I think is absolutely necessary. He's definitely the more 'deadly serious' option of the quartet, and I think it's a nice balance from the sort of consistent comic relief we get. His relationship to everyone else, sitting in the shadows and watching, feels absolutely genuine. I hope that in later posts we see him get forced into the mix more, though, as I sometimes got a little bit sad that so much of a couple of your posts focused on the other characters in the room. Alain is such an interesting character, I want to see him involved in these things, even if he doesn't do it of his own volition.
The story, in general, is dynamite. You guys are utilizing the Frozen Fields' lore expertly, bringing in the Dwarves and Trolls and that creepy-ass NPC that Lubbock keeps writing about that I want to know more about. I like the characterization you guys have given Urist, and I hope to see more of the interactions between the Dwarves and the main characters. So far, you guys are doing a really good job of making sure that you keep the main four interacting alongside the dwarves, and I think that's smart -- something you guys should keep up. The dwarves are cool, and interact with them all you want, but remember, this is GLAM's story and at the end of the day, that's what your readers want to hear about. Like I said, you're doing this expertly, but just to keep in mind for later days.
Now, on to some picky stuff. This is mostly grammatical or structural stuff that I think will help to make your posts flow better on the whole -- the story is great, the characterizations are great, and I think if you guys can take a step back and really dig in on a couple of these tiny structure issues, then this thread will reach new heights. It was already a super fun read for me and I'm convinced to keep my eyes on it as it unfolds.
Alright, here we go. Mami: just as a note, you use dashes quite a bit as punctuation, which I am totally not faulting you for because I do it too. It's my biggest crutch punctuation. However, remember when you use a dash that the next phrase isn't capitalized. For example, here's one of your sentences from a post:
Actually, this should read like this, with capitalization issues fixed:
Like I said, a tiny, nit-picky thing. You also need to look out for how you space out your dialogue; remember that when a new character speaks, that should be a new paragraph, for instance, when you have Mami talking to Urist, both characters' dialogue makes up one large paragraph, when actually every time it switches back and forth between them, there should be a paragraph break. Just a small thing, like I said.
Lubbock, watch out for repeated words. There's a couple of times when you use the same word within relatively close proximity and it throws me off because I'm like, "wow, didn't I just hear that?" For example, perhaps the most obvious time this happened:
See what I mean? Perhaps "he thought," or "he mused." Alternatively, you could just have the thought there -- the italics will clarify what it is for you -- and make the action afterward a bit more dynamic. For example, I might reword the whole end of that section to eliminate some of the repetition, and it might look something like this:
Alain, I've already sort of shared my biggest complaint with you, and that was that occasionally your posts would be more about everyone else than Alain. I appreciate how observant Alain is and you get this across very well, but once again, he's a super intriguing character and I just want to see even more of him.
Gin. Gin, Gin, Gin. I'm going to take this moment to say that you have the winning moment of the thread so far with that drunken exchange between the dwarves and our favorite little redhead. I laughed a lot at various different things throughout the thread, like any Lubbock/Mami exchange, whatever, but never did I laugh as hard as when little Gin was drunk off his ass with a bunch of big, burly dwarves. This character is so neat and so much fun and I just love how much fun you seem to have writing these little bits with him. As far as things to improve upon goes, most of what I've said above to everyone else you can also take a look at. There's some repetition going on (you said "Gin shouted" twice in one paragraph at one point) and I think you had one post that Gin wasn't even in at all.
Also in general something to watch out for: you guys have a good sense of how long moments should last, but be careful not to rush through things occasionally. The whole first meeting with the dwarves felt like it whizzed by and suddenly we were at a picnic. Maybe they could have been at a stand still for longer? Given each character a chance to react to the new visitors before we got all cozy with them? That's really the only moment that truly stands out like that, but yeah.
Like I keep saying, though, this thread is so much fucking fun I can't stand it. So much heavy stuff is going on after the close of Dante's Abyss (points to my work and Mickey's PTSD flashes) so this was such a great little respite for me, getting to jump in and see Gin, Lubbock, Mami, and Alain just going on a fun little adventure in the Frozen Fields. I really had a blast reading this, ladies and guys, and I cannot wait to see what comes next! I wanna know if they kill the dragon!! Anyway, thank you for this fun little thread and I hope my critique helped a little bit! I'll be keeping up with this as you guys keep posting, hopefully! Happy writing.
Ain't Cutting No Ice - Lubbock, Gin, Alain, Mami
Wow! I had read the first couple of posts of this a few weeks ago, but I had sort of lost track of it amidst whatever the hell I've been doing. I am incredibly glad Proto put it on the list this week though, because I was happy to jump back in and see more of what's going on! So let me just start by saying that I had an absolute blast reading it. You have a fun, interesting little story going on here and you guys have a GREAT chemistry as writers and characters.
That's probably my favorite thing about this whole thread; the way the four of you work together is spectacular. I always thought that your characters just looked good together in my head (the quartet of Lubbock, Gin, Mami, and Alain seems like quite a natural progression to me) and it definitely transfers to the page. The way the personalities of these guys interact is cool. I'll cite some specific examples. Lubbock/Mami, I absolutely love the weird little flirty rapport you guys have going on. I don't know if you're playing on exploring that dynamic in depth, but even if you aren't, the little jokes are nice. Sometimes they feel slightly out of place, but they still make me giggle, so whatever. It's fun.
Lubbock, going off of that, I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent about you. I think you've got a really solid character going on here but I would be careful of letting him get too girl-crazy. I only say this because I've played girl-crazy characters before and it's hard to find a lot of depth when everything your character does depends on how the hot femme of the group views them. It's just a little trap that I think you can avoid because you're a good writer and you've got a handle on him, and I just wanted to say that from personal experience.
I love the dynamic of these guys and how young they are, truly. I'm looking at your rosters and I can only find Gin's age, but I'm guessing at least Lubbock and Mami are both also around their late teens. You can definitely tell from just their entire attitude about the adventure and how they interact with each other. Lubbock, a cool little detail you had that I liked was when Lubbock decided to literally go deeper in the cave to change because he was afraid of being seen by his friends in his skivvies. I think that's cool because that's something that defines him as a teenager, rather than an adult who'd probably just change without a care in the world.
On a similar note, Mami, I love how she takes the maternal role. Gosh, these boys, they need a strong hand like Mami's to keep them afloat and she is there to make sure they don't do anything foolish. Love that.
Alain, I don't know if you're anywhere close in in-character age to the others, but he's pretty separated from them anyway, which I think is absolutely necessary. He's definitely the more 'deadly serious' option of the quartet, and I think it's a nice balance from the sort of consistent comic relief we get. His relationship to everyone else, sitting in the shadows and watching, feels absolutely genuine. I hope that in later posts we see him get forced into the mix more, though, as I sometimes got a little bit sad that so much of a couple of your posts focused on the other characters in the room. Alain is such an interesting character, I want to see him involved in these things, even if he doesn't do it of his own volition.
The story, in general, is dynamite. You guys are utilizing the Frozen Fields' lore expertly, bringing in the Dwarves and Trolls and that creepy-ass NPC that Lubbock keeps writing about that I want to know more about. I like the characterization you guys have given Urist, and I hope to see more of the interactions between the Dwarves and the main characters. So far, you guys are doing a really good job of making sure that you keep the main four interacting alongside the dwarves, and I think that's smart -- something you guys should keep up. The dwarves are cool, and interact with them all you want, but remember, this is GLAM's story and at the end of the day, that's what your readers want to hear about. Like I said, you're doing this expertly, but just to keep in mind for later days.
Now, on to some picky stuff. This is mostly grammatical or structural stuff that I think will help to make your posts flow better on the whole -- the story is great, the characterizations are great, and I think if you guys can take a step back and really dig in on a couple of these tiny structure issues, then this thread will reach new heights. It was already a super fun read for me and I'm convinced to keep my eyes on it as it unfolds.
Alright, here we go. Mami: just as a note, you use dashes quite a bit as punctuation, which I am totally not faulting you for because I do it too. It's my biggest crutch punctuation. However, remember when you use a dash that the next phrase isn't capitalized. For example, here's one of your sentences from a post:
Quote:The figures - A large enough group to be reckoned with, that much was certain - With gear she immediately related to vikings or some sort of primitive European warriors had stopped before Mami.
Actually, this should read like this, with capitalization issues fixed:
Quote:The figures - a large enough group to be reckoned with, that much was certain - with gear she immediately related to vikings or some sort of primitive European warriors had stopped before Mami.
Like I said, a tiny, nit-picky thing. You also need to look out for how you space out your dialogue; remember that when a new character speaks, that should be a new paragraph, for instance, when you have Mami talking to Urist, both characters' dialogue makes up one large paragraph, when actually every time it switches back and forth between them, there should be a paragraph break. Just a small thing, like I said.
Lubbock, watch out for repeated words. There's a couple of times when you use the same word within relatively close proximity and it throws me off because I'm like, "wow, didn't I just hear that?" For example, perhaps the most obvious time this happened:
Quote:I wonder if I can change my clothes using Omnillium, without going stark naked? he wondered.
See what I mean? Perhaps "he thought," or "he mused." Alternatively, you could just have the thought there -- the italics will clarify what it is for you -- and make the action afterward a bit more dynamic. For example, I might reword the whole end of that section to eliminate some of the repetition, and it might look something like this:
Quote:I wonder if I can change my clothes using Omnillium, without going stark naked? Lubbock considered his options, but decided he didn't want to risk it. He crossed to Gin, crouching down next to him.
"I'm gonna check a little further into the cave, okay? Make sure the party doesn't get crazy without me," he whispered in his ear, throwing in a little wink before strolling off towards his excuse to change.
Alain, I've already sort of shared my biggest complaint with you, and that was that occasionally your posts would be more about everyone else than Alain. I appreciate how observant Alain is and you get this across very well, but once again, he's a super intriguing character and I just want to see even more of him.
Gin. Gin, Gin, Gin. I'm going to take this moment to say that you have the winning moment of the thread so far with that drunken exchange between the dwarves and our favorite little redhead. I laughed a lot at various different things throughout the thread, like any Lubbock/Mami exchange, whatever, but never did I laugh as hard as when little Gin was drunk off his ass with a bunch of big, burly dwarves. This character is so neat and so much fun and I just love how much fun you seem to have writing these little bits with him. As far as things to improve upon goes, most of what I've said above to everyone else you can also take a look at. There's some repetition going on (you said "Gin shouted" twice in one paragraph at one point) and I think you had one post that Gin wasn't even in at all.
Also in general something to watch out for: you guys have a good sense of how long moments should last, but be careful not to rush through things occasionally. The whole first meeting with the dwarves felt like it whizzed by and suddenly we were at a picnic. Maybe they could have been at a stand still for longer? Given each character a chance to react to the new visitors before we got all cozy with them? That's really the only moment that truly stands out like that, but yeah.
Like I keep saying, though, this thread is so much fucking fun I can't stand it. So much heavy stuff is going on after the close of Dante's Abyss (points to my work and Mickey's PTSD flashes) so this was such a great little respite for me, getting to jump in and see Gin, Lubbock, Mami, and Alain just going on a fun little adventure in the Frozen Fields. I really had a blast reading this, ladies and guys, and I cannot wait to see what comes next! I wanna know if they kill the dragon!! Anyway, thank you for this fun little thread and I hope my critique helped a little bit! I'll be keeping up with this as you guys keep posting, hopefully! Happy writing.
![[Image: 2agonyw.png]](http://i68.tinypic.com/2agonyw.png)