06-14-2015, 04:41 PM
Snatched From Marvel
Man, that was so fun to read. It flowed so smoothly, it felt like I was actually reading a comic. You have your own rant unique style, that, like the real Deadpool, feels almost more like a joke about the form but turns out to be really really good anyways.
You have a good way with characters and dialogue, they just feel natural. You have a cheeky pinch of fourth wall. Just great shit, man. It might be because I'm tired, bit I actually had a really hard time thinking of anything to say, but it's also kind of hard to critique a style that's so uniquely different from anyone else's. All I can say is that it feels like you hit your mark.
Watch your paragraph length, and watch word repetition. I know the action in your scenes in this thread has been really simple, so it's ask been clear, but when you get into more complex action make sure you keep it CLEAR and easy to follow. I can maybe see your style getting a little confusing with really complex stuff, but that's yet to be seen (by me).
The Search For Power
Yooo man! I'm looking forward to future LAW writing with you. I know this is some old stiff, and your current writing is leaps and bounds better, but it can be easy to fall back into old habits.
Your action is fun! It keeps the pace fast and unrelenting, which is great, but sometimes it can be a little too much. I think that action is great to punctuate a scene if building tension. With more lead up, there's more pay off when you do come down to violence. In the scenes where he's assaulted in the moores, having lots of spooky build up as Straz walks through the area or observes the scenery would help break it up a little.
I also think you could do a little more sensory description. Your opening post in the dunes is a great example of how to do it right, so I'm not gonna harp on you too bad here, but remember to paint the scene and fill in ask the sensory gaps so we can really LIVE your posts.
Remember to give your other characters as much life as your main character, because if the people around him are flat, a complex character can just seem stake. You, again, do better with this in your later posts!
It's really cool seeing you put more dirty into and learn more writing techniques. I think you're a great writer and I'm looking forward to writing with you!
The Last Avenger
SASUKE, Man, super awesome read. Like, I really really enjoyed it. The slice of life you gave us with the storm trooper was fucking great. The ninja stuff was really true to the original, and I appreciate that. It can be hard writing in a pre established canon and making it feel right, but you did a good job of it.
One thing that kinda jerked me out of the read was the fountain scene. It was surreal, so I understand it being confusing, but it was also written in a way that I could tell if it was surreal or if I just didn't know what was going on. Even in surreal scenes it's important to spend lots tone on detail, because detail creates CLARITY. Sometimes it's fine to have a scene with NO clarity but it should be written in a way that the reader KNOWS that it's supposed to be confusing. When you meet a person half way, it just leaves them scratching their head and not really sure what exactly is going on.
You're pretty good about it, but watch out for word repetition.
Sometimes your sentences are structures sort of confusingly, like "Perhaps being away from people for what felt like so long made her more excitable?" It's tempting to Mic up your sentence structure, and it's often a good thing, just make sure you read through it a few times and ensure it sounds right.
Mami! It's cool to read new authors. You've got a fun style and I'm interested in reading more of your stuff. It's got a fun, innocent violence to it, much like the anime style I assume she's native to.
It's got a really strong "internal monologue" feel to it, which is awesome for a lot of things, but focusing the reader's attention outwards into the works more frequently would be nice. More in depth descriptions of the surroundings, of what's happening, etc. It can be hard to find that balance between inner and outer description, but its a pretty big thing in my opinion.
You really flowed well with his writing and you two both write really organically. It's nice to see that! Sometimes I couldn't remember who was writing the post because they meshed so well.
Paragraphs seem a little long here and there, so just make sure you split it when you move on to a new thought or action.
I hope I get to read everyone's stuff soon!
Man, that was so fun to read. It flowed so smoothly, it felt like I was actually reading a comic. You have your own rant unique style, that, like the real Deadpool, feels almost more like a joke about the form but turns out to be really really good anyways.
You have a good way with characters and dialogue, they just feel natural. You have a cheeky pinch of fourth wall. Just great shit, man. It might be because I'm tired, bit I actually had a really hard time thinking of anything to say, but it's also kind of hard to critique a style that's so uniquely different from anyone else's. All I can say is that it feels like you hit your mark.
Watch your paragraph length, and watch word repetition. I know the action in your scenes in this thread has been really simple, so it's ask been clear, but when you get into more complex action make sure you keep it CLEAR and easy to follow. I can maybe see your style getting a little confusing with really complex stuff, but that's yet to be seen (by me).
The Search For Power
Yooo man! I'm looking forward to future LAW writing with you. I know this is some old stiff, and your current writing is leaps and bounds better, but it can be easy to fall back into old habits.
Your action is fun! It keeps the pace fast and unrelenting, which is great, but sometimes it can be a little too much. I think that action is great to punctuate a scene if building tension. With more lead up, there's more pay off when you do come down to violence. In the scenes where he's assaulted in the moores, having lots of spooky build up as Straz walks through the area or observes the scenery would help break it up a little.
I also think you could do a little more sensory description. Your opening post in the dunes is a great example of how to do it right, so I'm not gonna harp on you too bad here, but remember to paint the scene and fill in ask the sensory gaps so we can really LIVE your posts.
Remember to give your other characters as much life as your main character, because if the people around him are flat, a complex character can just seem stake. You, again, do better with this in your later posts!
It's really cool seeing you put more dirty into and learn more writing techniques. I think you're a great writer and I'm looking forward to writing with you!
The Last Avenger
SASUKE, Man, super awesome read. Like, I really really enjoyed it. The slice of life you gave us with the storm trooper was fucking great. The ninja stuff was really true to the original, and I appreciate that. It can be hard writing in a pre established canon and making it feel right, but you did a good job of it.
One thing that kinda jerked me out of the read was the fountain scene. It was surreal, so I understand it being confusing, but it was also written in a way that I could tell if it was surreal or if I just didn't know what was going on. Even in surreal scenes it's important to spend lots tone on detail, because detail creates CLARITY. Sometimes it's fine to have a scene with NO clarity but it should be written in a way that the reader KNOWS that it's supposed to be confusing. When you meet a person half way, it just leaves them scratching their head and not really sure what exactly is going on.
You're pretty good about it, but watch out for word repetition.
Sometimes your sentences are structures sort of confusingly, like "Perhaps being away from people for what felt like so long made her more excitable?" It's tempting to Mic up your sentence structure, and it's often a good thing, just make sure you read through it a few times and ensure it sounds right.
Mami! It's cool to read new authors. You've got a fun style and I'm interested in reading more of your stuff. It's got a fun, innocent violence to it, much like the anime style I assume she's native to.
It's got a really strong "internal monologue" feel to it, which is awesome for a lot of things, but focusing the reader's attention outwards into the works more frequently would be nice. More in depth descriptions of the surroundings, of what's happening, etc. It can be hard to find that balance between inner and outer description, but its a pretty big thing in my opinion.
You really flowed well with his writing and you two both write really organically. It's nice to see that! Sometimes I couldn't remember who was writing the post because they meshed so well.
Paragraphs seem a little long here and there, so just make sure you split it when you move on to a new thought or action.
I hope I get to read everyone's stuff soon!
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