06-12-2015, 07:42 PM
Blackest Night
Oooo boy, I think this must be longer than when it was first posted! What a ride. I love the references to Chubbz characters, Silent Hill mythology and everything else you guys crammed in here. I love a good long standing thread, and this is great.
You guys have come together a lot in writing style as you've been together, which in a lot of cases is awesome but in some cases it less you both to the same downfalls.
Artelos, you have improved so much as a writer from the time you stayed writing with Alex, it's awesome. Good work! Things I think you can work on (Shang, also be careful with these because of style convergence)
Paragraphs. You should try to separate every distinct thought with a paragraph break. Your paragraphs tend to be pretty lengthy, and it can get hard to keep track of your intentions when its all clumped together. This has improved since you started, but just take another look at it and keep it on mind.
I how you use the bold to let us know when your character is speaking, but tell us HOW he's speaking. What's his tone of voice? Does he make any gestures out facial expressions as he speaks? All of this can help give us insight into your character's state of mind and intention. You don't have to TELL us what he's feeling if you SHOW us.
You repeat a lot of words in sentences and paragraphs, which can be a little jarring. Try to craft your paragraph with synonyms and descriptions so that you can avoid using the same words. This also gives you a chance to really describe something SPECIFICALLY, because the synonyms you choose will give us a clearer idea of what is going on.
Avoid possibly telling us what is happening. Use the senses of the character to help the reader project into them. How does it feel? What's the texture, the temperature, the smell, the taste? What do those sensations REMIND you of?
Speaking of reminding us of things, use the Spartans unique perspective to help tell us the story. He's an anachronism, and you plug it in here and there with the walkie talkies, but most of the time it's easy for the reader to forget your character is from ancient Greece. What do things remind him of from his original time line? What metaphors and analogies would he make? What's it LIKE to be from his time in these stage places? It doesn't even have to be confusion, but it could remind him of something from back home. Again, use your senses to find inspiration.
Because there isn't a lot of self reflection, I actually don't know a lot about your character's past or how his powers work. Why does his aura change color? What's the deal with the aura blades? What wars was he in? Did he have a family? What does he miss? What were his exploits like before?
One of the most difficult things, and the most important, that I'd like to point out is SUSPENSE. When you just tell us what's happening, it's hard to keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Action is great, and the clarity you use to describe things I'd good in those places, but you need a dash of SUSPENSE to keep us hooked. Basically, the easiest way I can describe how to create suspense is to describe EVERY ASPECT of what's happening without giving us the conclusion. A guy swings good sword at a critical moment. Tell us what hoods face is doing. Trek us what the blade is doing. Trek us what the ground and the sound and the sky and every aspect I'd that Eric moment meow you finally release us from our suspense and let us know that the sword missed. It keeps you on your toes.
Your awesome man, and you're only improving. Keep at it, and keep trying. You'll keep getting better than you already are.
SHAAAAAANNNGGG TSUUUUUNG. Good to read your stuff, FINALLY. I have always liked your writing, and you do super well when you can write with others. Keep me reading.
Ok, in to stuff.
Remember your character. I think in something that's high action, high stands, we can forget the little things about who we're trying to write. The party's where Shang got old again was awesome, and I think we saw a good chunk of character progression during that piece, but even still I think you let him slip here and there. Give is the DETAILS. Give us his fidgets and his tics and the tone of his voice. Remind us who he is outside of his actions. Sometimes, even if your across are perfect, the character can get left behind without the really defining small stuff.
Like Art, I think you're falling behind a little on your sensation descriptions. It really hammers home the emotions of the character if you use abstracted descriptions and sensation to bring us into the moment. You're usually really good about that, but again I think the high action makes it easy to forget.
Also, suspense. I know Shang isn't like, SUPER WORRIED about stuff, but there's something to be said for tension. I feel like some of the monsters have become sort of procedural, but I guess that also sort of happens in the SH games. Still I think you'd do well to draw things out more, make us live in the moment.
Also, if live to see Shang do more tricky stuff? It's kind if hard to explain, but for the most part there seems to just be a lot if blowing shit apart. Which is cool, and fine, but I kinda figured he'd be more into super subtlety? He's done some really cool tricks in this thread, so I dunno if I have much to complain about, but yeah haha.
Man I hope I can write with you dudes soon! Your all so awesome. I'm excited to read more, and see the conclusion of things!!
Oooo boy, I think this must be longer than when it was first posted! What a ride. I love the references to Chubbz characters, Silent Hill mythology and everything else you guys crammed in here. I love a good long standing thread, and this is great.
You guys have come together a lot in writing style as you've been together, which in a lot of cases is awesome but in some cases it less you both to the same downfalls.
Artelos, you have improved so much as a writer from the time you stayed writing with Alex, it's awesome. Good work! Things I think you can work on (Shang, also be careful with these because of style convergence)
Paragraphs. You should try to separate every distinct thought with a paragraph break. Your paragraphs tend to be pretty lengthy, and it can get hard to keep track of your intentions when its all clumped together. This has improved since you started, but just take another look at it and keep it on mind.
I how you use the bold to let us know when your character is speaking, but tell us HOW he's speaking. What's his tone of voice? Does he make any gestures out facial expressions as he speaks? All of this can help give us insight into your character's state of mind and intention. You don't have to TELL us what he's feeling if you SHOW us.
You repeat a lot of words in sentences and paragraphs, which can be a little jarring. Try to craft your paragraph with synonyms and descriptions so that you can avoid using the same words. This also gives you a chance to really describe something SPECIFICALLY, because the synonyms you choose will give us a clearer idea of what is going on.
Avoid possibly telling us what is happening. Use the senses of the character to help the reader project into them. How does it feel? What's the texture, the temperature, the smell, the taste? What do those sensations REMIND you of?
Speaking of reminding us of things, use the Spartans unique perspective to help tell us the story. He's an anachronism, and you plug it in here and there with the walkie talkies, but most of the time it's easy for the reader to forget your character is from ancient Greece. What do things remind him of from his original time line? What metaphors and analogies would he make? What's it LIKE to be from his time in these stage places? It doesn't even have to be confusion, but it could remind him of something from back home. Again, use your senses to find inspiration.
Because there isn't a lot of self reflection, I actually don't know a lot about your character's past or how his powers work. Why does his aura change color? What's the deal with the aura blades? What wars was he in? Did he have a family? What does he miss? What were his exploits like before?
One of the most difficult things, and the most important, that I'd like to point out is SUSPENSE. When you just tell us what's happening, it's hard to keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Action is great, and the clarity you use to describe things I'd good in those places, but you need a dash of SUSPENSE to keep us hooked. Basically, the easiest way I can describe how to create suspense is to describe EVERY ASPECT of what's happening without giving us the conclusion. A guy swings good sword at a critical moment. Tell us what hoods face is doing. Trek us what the blade is doing. Trek us what the ground and the sound and the sky and every aspect I'd that Eric moment meow you finally release us from our suspense and let us know that the sword missed. It keeps you on your toes.
Your awesome man, and you're only improving. Keep at it, and keep trying. You'll keep getting better than you already are.
SHAAAAAANNNGGG TSUUUUUNG. Good to read your stuff, FINALLY. I have always liked your writing, and you do super well when you can write with others. Keep me reading.
Ok, in to stuff.
Remember your character. I think in something that's high action, high stands, we can forget the little things about who we're trying to write. The party's where Shang got old again was awesome, and I think we saw a good chunk of character progression during that piece, but even still I think you let him slip here and there. Give is the DETAILS. Give us his fidgets and his tics and the tone of his voice. Remind us who he is outside of his actions. Sometimes, even if your across are perfect, the character can get left behind without the really defining small stuff.
Like Art, I think you're falling behind a little on your sensation descriptions. It really hammers home the emotions of the character if you use abstracted descriptions and sensation to bring us into the moment. You're usually really good about that, but again I think the high action makes it easy to forget.
Also, suspense. I know Shang isn't like, SUPER WORRIED about stuff, but there's something to be said for tension. I feel like some of the monsters have become sort of procedural, but I guess that also sort of happens in the SH games. Still I think you'd do well to draw things out more, make us live in the moment.
Also, if live to see Shang do more tricky stuff? It's kind if hard to explain, but for the most part there seems to just be a lot if blowing shit apart. Which is cool, and fine, but I kinda figured he'd be more into super subtlety? He's done some really cool tricks in this thread, so I dunno if I have much to complain about, but yeah haha.
Man I hope I can write with you dudes soon! Your all so awesome. I'm excited to read more, and see the conclusion of things!!
![[Image: sig2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/KrimTheUnsettler/sig2.jpg)