05-27-2015, 06:57 PM
Style: 3.5/5
The bits I remember most from your quest entry, are maybe not what you expect, but because they were written in such a way that captured what I felt is the essence of the Chosen's characterization, they stuck without me all the way through the end. Even after setting your writings aside, I can recall the way he clambered and travel throughout the Icy wastes. The way he skinned the Wampa, and the time that passed as he stared long into the fire whilst 'eve past into early 'morn. These few scenes helped me relate to a character I'm not even familiar with and resound as a testament that quest's don't need to be all action all the time.
That is not to say I found nothing that I felt could have been done better. You had a slight tendency to repeat that which is already made clear. In a few instances you almost said exactly the same thing twice in a row. These sort of mistakes (I am sure) would have been caught with another editing session, but did break my immersion, albeit, temporarily.
Lastly, I must say that at times you word choice didn't quite fit. Either the phrasing was awkward, or the word was simply improperly used. Either way, each time I experienced this I had to pause and reread to understand before moving on. Additionally, your sentences tend to be lengthy (more on that later), and I believe you would have benefited from breaking them up a bit more from one another.
Story: 4/5
It is not the check-list of things for the Chosen' to accomplish that made this a proper story. It was everything in between. Too often I find that when roleplayers attempt to write extensively by themselves, they focus constantly on the job at hand. They feel they must get from point A, to point B and then that's it. However, that is not what makes a tale relate-able, or even believable for that matter.
What you did ever so well herein, was remind me that the Chosen lives in a world that breathes apart from him. It's a organic sort of relationship, but one that has to be understood. You did a great job in revealing that the World exists apart from your character and lives when your character is not there. And, while the fighting a Dragon may not have been on the top of Chosen's to do list, by the end it provided a great climax for the quest itself. It wasn't something I expected going in at all, and the fight was written so well that I didn't even bat an eye at its inclusion when I finished the piece.
I mentioned the scenes that I that stuck with me throughout the end. This was another of them as I could feel the desperation in every one of Chosen's actions, and I knew that one wrong move would have resulted in his death. It brought a tension that I enjoy tremendously. In short, well done this is by far your strongest category.
Grammar: 2.5/5
You stumbled a bit too many times here for me to give you an above average score. As I said above you had a tendency to make your sentences quite long (which can work of course), but with them you brought tons of minor errors into your writing. Most notably, comma splices. Comma splices result in run-on-sentences, but are caused by incorrectly using a comma instead of a period, or in most cases a semi-colon. If there is a phrase in your writing that makes a complete sentence, and you don't use a connector (and, but etc.), it must end in a period or a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two complete thoughts that may be more related than two individual sentences.
Awesomeness: 3/5
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your Quest. It had moments that ranged from epic, to subtle. And, although I personally found the more 'quiet' scenes more revealing and emotional, that isn't to say I didn't like the big moments: the dragon fight, the trolls and of course the final spar bout. Essentially all the right elements that make a good story are there, but the execution just needs to be refined.
Total: 13/20 Above Average.
You've completed the Quest. Congratulations! I'll update your character log shortly to dish out your rewards. And, you have permission to enter Mithral Hall.
The bits I remember most from your quest entry, are maybe not what you expect, but because they were written in such a way that captured what I felt is the essence of the Chosen's characterization, they stuck without me all the way through the end. Even after setting your writings aside, I can recall the way he clambered and travel throughout the Icy wastes. The way he skinned the Wampa, and the time that passed as he stared long into the fire whilst 'eve past into early 'morn. These few scenes helped me relate to a character I'm not even familiar with and resound as a testament that quest's don't need to be all action all the time.
That is not to say I found nothing that I felt could have been done better. You had a slight tendency to repeat that which is already made clear. In a few instances you almost said exactly the same thing twice in a row. These sort of mistakes (I am sure) would have been caught with another editing session, but did break my immersion, albeit, temporarily.
Lastly, I must say that at times you word choice didn't quite fit. Either the phrasing was awkward, or the word was simply improperly used. Either way, each time I experienced this I had to pause and reread to understand before moving on. Additionally, your sentences tend to be lengthy (more on that later), and I believe you would have benefited from breaking them up a bit more from one another.
Story: 4/5
It is not the check-list of things for the Chosen' to accomplish that made this a proper story. It was everything in between. Too often I find that when roleplayers attempt to write extensively by themselves, they focus constantly on the job at hand. They feel they must get from point A, to point B and then that's it. However, that is not what makes a tale relate-able, or even believable for that matter.
What you did ever so well herein, was remind me that the Chosen lives in a world that breathes apart from him. It's a organic sort of relationship, but one that has to be understood. You did a great job in revealing that the World exists apart from your character and lives when your character is not there. And, while the fighting a Dragon may not have been on the top of Chosen's to do list, by the end it provided a great climax for the quest itself. It wasn't something I expected going in at all, and the fight was written so well that I didn't even bat an eye at its inclusion when I finished the piece.
I mentioned the scenes that I that stuck with me throughout the end. This was another of them as I could feel the desperation in every one of Chosen's actions, and I knew that one wrong move would have resulted in his death. It brought a tension that I enjoy tremendously. In short, well done this is by far your strongest category.
Grammar: 2.5/5
You stumbled a bit too many times here for me to give you an above average score. As I said above you had a tendency to make your sentences quite long (which can work of course), but with them you brought tons of minor errors into your writing. Most notably, comma splices. Comma splices result in run-on-sentences, but are caused by incorrectly using a comma instead of a period, or in most cases a semi-colon. If there is a phrase in your writing that makes a complete sentence, and you don't use a connector (and, but etc.), it must end in a period or a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two complete thoughts that may be more related than two individual sentences.
Awesomeness: 3/5
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your Quest. It had moments that ranged from epic, to subtle. And, although I personally found the more 'quiet' scenes more revealing and emotional, that isn't to say I didn't like the big moments: the dragon fight, the trolls and of course the final spar bout. Essentially all the right elements that make a good story are there, but the execution just needs to be refined.
Total: 13/20 Above Average.
You've completed the Quest. Congratulations! I'll update your character log shortly to dish out your rewards. And, you have permission to enter Mithral Hall.
![[Image: c7u9HTN.png]](http://i.imgur.com/c7u9HTN.png)