05-26-2015, 07:48 PM
@Whirda
Hey friend, I really really liked this. The tension of the scene was very palpable. You made the awkwardness and the difficulty of the situation very real, very human. You didn't describe most of the village, but I could already had a really firm sense of the place. I saw a dim fog in the pre-dawn light, I saw old, sagging wooden structures, I saw underdeveloped cobble streets. I think giving us a few more little bitty details like you have, you can create a more coherent setting.
The ONLY downside I have with this post as far as plot goes is that you killed what might have been a big character in somebody else's plotline. Van Helsing is a pretty big deal. I DO like the way you wrote him though. "Although Dobson knew it was not meant for him, he still found it accusing," was my favorite line. It fits right into his roll. I think that even more about Dobson's relationship with Van Helsing would be awesome. Don't have to be flashbacks, but you can have little quips how they used to be. Having a painful memory of an old friend is a col way to go at it.
I really like the way you laid out the city so far. I think there's a lot of room to grow. Just remember to not lock every detail down, leave a bit of room for other writer's to breathe. I don't think anything, as it is, would get in the way of anyone else's writing though, so good work on that.
Ok, as far as the actual writing goes: It was mostly really really good. At times it felt a little flat, but most of it was great. A little bit of the bright descriptors went a little wide of perfect, but most of it was really good. I don't want to say htat there are big themes of badness, like at all. Most of it was great.
"Tears like fat beetles crawled down his cheeks. In front of him, someone had jammed an iron gibbet into the ground with enough force to shatter the cobblestones like so much glass, and pierce the soil underneath." I would say was you most ambitious, had the most heart, and also sadly came the shortest on delivery. "So much glass," is probably the thing that I have the most contention with, not because it doesn't fit the genre or the moment, but because it just didn't have the flair the rest of your writing has. Also, I feel like the beetles line was good, but also needed.... SOMETHING. Some more commas? A bit more wording? I love the idea, I loved the visual, but the way it read in my head kinda stumbled for me. Maybe I'm just crazy.
Overall, everything was awesome, the pacing especially. Tension comes from pacing, and this thread had tension.
Hey friend, I really really liked this. The tension of the scene was very palpable. You made the awkwardness and the difficulty of the situation very real, very human. You didn't describe most of the village, but I could already had a really firm sense of the place. I saw a dim fog in the pre-dawn light, I saw old, sagging wooden structures, I saw underdeveloped cobble streets. I think giving us a few more little bitty details like you have, you can create a more coherent setting.
The ONLY downside I have with this post as far as plot goes is that you killed what might have been a big character in somebody else's plotline. Van Helsing is a pretty big deal. I DO like the way you wrote him though. "Although Dobson knew it was not meant for him, he still found it accusing," was my favorite line. It fits right into his roll. I think that even more about Dobson's relationship with Van Helsing would be awesome. Don't have to be flashbacks, but you can have little quips how they used to be. Having a painful memory of an old friend is a col way to go at it.
I really like the way you laid out the city so far. I think there's a lot of room to grow. Just remember to not lock every detail down, leave a bit of room for other writer's to breathe. I don't think anything, as it is, would get in the way of anyone else's writing though, so good work on that.
Ok, as far as the actual writing goes: It was mostly really really good. At times it felt a little flat, but most of it was great. A little bit of the bright descriptors went a little wide of perfect, but most of it was really good. I don't want to say htat there are big themes of badness, like at all. Most of it was great.
"Tears like fat beetles crawled down his cheeks. In front of him, someone had jammed an iron gibbet into the ground with enough force to shatter the cobblestones like so much glass, and pierce the soil underneath." I would say was you most ambitious, had the most heart, and also sadly came the shortest on delivery. "So much glass," is probably the thing that I have the most contention with, not because it doesn't fit the genre or the moment, but because it just didn't have the flair the rest of your writing has. Also, I feel like the beetles line was good, but also needed.... SOMETHING. Some more commas? A bit more wording? I love the idea, I loved the visual, but the way it read in my head kinda stumbled for me. Maybe I'm just crazy.
Overall, everything was awesome, the pacing especially. Tension comes from pacing, and this thread had tension.
![[Image: sig2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v288/KrimTheUnsettler/sig2.jpg)