C&C Trading

[Deadpool]

Nice read! I like how Shay draws upon his past experiences during his thought processes. Also, your dialogue is pretty good as well. You were able to dive into description about things without ruining the story progression too, which is key *thumbs up*

I do think that possibly you could restructure some of your sentences though, like . . .

It came to a surprise to Shay that Agnès was actually considering to do this with him. More surprising, was the abilities this woman was showing off to Shay, and how useful it seemed in the midst of a battle, although that was probably the last thing Shay wanted to mention at this point.

Much to Shay's surprise, Agnès actually considered to do this with him. And even more surprisingly, she showed off abilities which Shay appointed as useful, in the midst of battle; though now was not the time to to make his thoughts audible.


I just feel like that flows a little better. I tried not to change many of the words, because the words were pretty sound.






Here's the post I want c&c'd: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=2396#p22964">viewtopic.php?f=51&t=2396#p22964</a><!-- l -->