02-15-2018, 01:19 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-15-2018, 01:30 PM by King Ghidorah.)
*puts on his reviewing trousers*
So. Consequences.
Overall, I like this thread. I haven't read a lot of Trixie's pre-Underverse adventures, so I was kind of thrown into it face-first, like unto a child being taught to swim by a jerk. Still, I was able to pick up who was related to who and how fairly quickly through the way the various NPCs interacted with Trixie. In spite of a few hiccups, both writers managed to keep me entertained and engaged.
More specifically...
Trixie: You're characters (your main in particular, which I suppose isn't surprising) have their own motivations and relationships, and you handle them very well, which is not an easy thing. You've managed to balance the fact that Trixie cares about her people (and that they care about her) with the fact that she's also kind of a vengeful psycho, and I love it. Throw in her allegiance to Diablo (the appearance of whom may or may not have made me squeal like a little girl) things get very interesting indeed. The most enjoyable thing about your writing is seeing how Trixie balances these sides of herself.
Kudos on writing a convincing military bureaucracy as well. It's something I've attempted previously, but I don't think I've ever done it as well as you.
All that said, the tone of your action scenes sometimes fall a little flat - you describe what's happening well, but the descriptions can lack impact, flowing together into a wall of text. Also, your sentence structure is occasionally clunky.
This for instance, is kind of a tangle of tenses.
I'd recommend a little bit of proof-reading, and maybe putting some thought into not just what actions are performed, but how they're performed. Several times during the final confrontation with Aurora, Trixie delivers a 'firm' kick, and even that small descriptor makes the surrounding action pop.
Overall -I'd say Great bonus for Trixie. There are things to improve, but there's a lot to love.
*turns to Seventeen*
AND AS FOR YOU
...
0-0d
Android 17:
In all seriousness, Seventeen was a lot of fun to read. His bemused tolerance and vague air of 'I can't quite believe these deadpan fascists are for real' is extremely endearing, and his general state of self-deprecating amusement at the way his life has turned out makes a very convincing coping mechanism. His puns and quips and general refusal to overtly take much of anything too seriously contrast wonderfully with both his internal monologue and the backdrop of Imperial judicial servitude - and his willingness to casually take lives brings across just how damaged he actually is.
You did a very good job bringing across the unreasonable strictness of the Empire, and you managed to infuse some personality into characters that only appeared for a few paragraphs. I like you way you write NPCs, I like the callbacks to this iteration of Android 17's common origin with Trixie and Karl Jak (and 17's confusion over it), and I like the way you write combat - but that brings us to my one major criticism.
All of your characters, PC or NPC, are vividly written, and the events they participate in have noises and sensations and all that good stuff (although the destruction of the transport and the ensuing action seemed almost clinical in its lack of impact in spite of its jarring suddenness right up until the 'whoosh ' , so that's still something you need to watch) - but your locations are sparse. You tend to provide the skeleton of a description or mention a general aesthetic, and bring up details as the action proceeds, but even accounting for the reader's imagination it doesn't always gel into a complete image. Obviously not everything needs to be a starkly realized verbal painting - a cafeteria is a cafeteria, for the most part - but you could bring a little bit more character to your scenery in general.
Overall: I recommend an Exemplary Bonus for Android 17. Don't let those Imperial bastards get you down, you glorious Imperial bastard.
And finally, Submitting for future consideration:
Nice Work, If You Can Get It
Character Count: 42762
Word Count: 7503
Quest or Personal: Quest
Participating Characters: King Ghidorah
So. Consequences.
Overall, I like this thread. I haven't read a lot of Trixie's pre-Underverse adventures, so I was kind of thrown into it face-first, like unto a child being taught to swim by a jerk. Still, I was able to pick up who was related to who and how fairly quickly through the way the various NPCs interacted with Trixie. In spite of a few hiccups, both writers managed to keep me entertained and engaged.
More specifically...
Trixie: You're characters (your main in particular, which I suppose isn't surprising) have their own motivations and relationships, and you handle them very well, which is not an easy thing. You've managed to balance the fact that Trixie cares about her people (and that they care about her) with the fact that she's also kind of a vengeful psycho, and I love it. Throw in her allegiance to Diablo (the appearance of whom may or may not have made me squeal like a little girl) things get very interesting indeed. The most enjoyable thing about your writing is seeing how Trixie balances these sides of herself.
Kudos on writing a convincing military bureaucracy as well. It's something I've attempted previously, but I don't think I've ever done it as well as you.
All that said, the tone of your action scenes sometimes fall a little flat - you describe what's happening well, but the descriptions can lack impact, flowing together into a wall of text. Also, your sentence structure is occasionally clunky.
Quote: Old techniques and skills that had long been rusty were becoming newly acquired.
This for instance, is kind of a tangle of tenses.
I'd recommend a little bit of proof-reading, and maybe putting some thought into not just what actions are performed, but how they're performed. Several times during the final confrontation with Aurora, Trixie delivers a 'firm' kick, and even that small descriptor makes the surrounding action pop.
Overall -I'd say Great bonus for Trixie. There are things to improve, but there's a lot to love.
*turns to Seventeen*
AND AS FOR YOU
...
0-0d
Android 17:
In all seriousness, Seventeen was a lot of fun to read. His bemused tolerance and vague air of 'I can't quite believe these deadpan fascists are for real' is extremely endearing, and his general state of self-deprecating amusement at the way his life has turned out makes a very convincing coping mechanism. His puns and quips and general refusal to overtly take much of anything too seriously contrast wonderfully with both his internal monologue and the backdrop of Imperial judicial servitude - and his willingness to casually take lives brings across just how damaged he actually is.
You did a very good job bringing across the unreasonable strictness of the Empire, and you managed to infuse some personality into characters that only appeared for a few paragraphs. I like you way you write NPCs, I like the callbacks to this iteration of Android 17's common origin with Trixie and Karl Jak (and 17's confusion over it), and I like the way you write combat - but that brings us to my one major criticism.
All of your characters, PC or NPC, are vividly written, and the events they participate in have noises and sensations and all that good stuff (although the destruction of the transport and the ensuing action seemed almost clinical in its lack of impact in spite of its jarring suddenness right up until the 'whoosh ' , so that's still something you need to watch) - but your locations are sparse. You tend to provide the skeleton of a description or mention a general aesthetic, and bring up details as the action proceeds, but even accounting for the reader's imagination it doesn't always gel into a complete image. Obviously not everything needs to be a starkly realized verbal painting - a cafeteria is a cafeteria, for the most part - but you could bring a little bit more character to your scenery in general.
Overall: I recommend an Exemplary Bonus for Android 17. Don't let those Imperial bastards get you down, you glorious Imperial bastard.
And finally, Submitting for future consideration:
Nice Work, If You Can Get It
Character Count: 42762
Word Count: 7503
Quest or Personal: Quest
Participating Characters: King Ghidorah