05-08-2015, 10:25 PM
Preamble:
Since I feel like I should say something about the couple posts before the official start of the fight: they were brilliant. In the sense that they perfectly riled me up to enjoy the upcoming 'battle' for the Artefact. Whirda and Proto defying Dio's initial deception; the latter's rants in an attempt of vain diplomacy, and finally the precipice where all hell breaks loose and Hades is unleashes himself upon the Spartan Atelos.
Round 1
Whirda
Style: Direct with just enough detail for my mind to wander and paint of picture of what is happening. I never felt confused once reading your post and out of the entirety of your first post I found only one sentence phrase that struck me as awkward. Other than that you have written in a manner that demands attention, and in a tense battle, that is the way to go. It's action as it should be.
Realism: Only minor gripe I have is, it kinda felt like everyone was still in top form at the start of combat - despite having to topple a massive beastie to begin with. That is not to say I found anything that completely I said 'no' that couldn't happen with. Everything fell within the bounds of what I considered your character (and others) capable of, and was described in a way that I found easy to understand.
Grammar: If there were any errors, I didn't find them myself. Nearly flawless.
Cohesion: Remarkably well done. In combat with this many participants it is hard to not have the entire post be a cluster of disjoint moments as you swap in between perspectives. However, you did so masterfully here. Every character had a role, and not only that, I felt as though everything that they did held weight and would be something that the character's themselves would do in this particular situation.
Alain
Style: Your post made me smile and laugh - in a good way. I loved how much I could practically see of your character bleeding through and into your post. You take roleplaying so literally it almost feels like (from this post) that your character is writing the events. You focused on yourself - which is fine - and provided humor to an otherwise all serious kill and death filled situation.
Realism: I did have to question whether or not (even in stealth) anyone present - despite how involved in combat they are - would notice Alain's moves towards the objects of their desire. But, as with Whirda I didn't think anything was really out of place. You played to your character's strong suit: analyzed the situation and tried to act upon the information you garnered.
Grammar: A few awkward phrases for my tastes; a couple of imprecise words and a few instances of passive voice. Other than that, completely solid. Nothing really distracted me from my reading.
Cohesion: I liked the perspective transition from focusing on the fight as a whole, to then pulling it in and making the happenings relevant to you on a personal level. It's a good counter-balance to Whirda's initial post.
Protoman
Style: I've always liked the way you write. It's less roleplaying and more actual storytelling in that regard. Both styles (as you can see with my comments regarding Alain's work) are inherently appealing to me. But, it is so refreshing to see it done in a way that has just enough direction to hone the focus of a topic back in and remind me that this IS a battle royal with a single prize.
Realism: You highlighted the chaos of a entire field of battle. There should be chaos. Everyone attacking everyone else. Tentative alliances questioned, and doubts about everyone all around. It becomes a question as to whether or not even friends are out from themselves. And that last heart-wrenching bit with 'Blues' wondering if Whirda would kill him to claim the prize was the kind of desperation I've been longing to see from the start. The act of firing his Finish Buster made it all the more 'real.'
Grammar: Like Whirda, nearly flawless. I myself couldn't find any outright errors in your work.
Cohesion: Excellent work here. I'm finding it hard to come up with other things to say other than that. Every aspect of the battle is considered, you brought everyone back together, and drew the story as a whole back into a focal point; all-the-while keeping everyone important and in their combative roles. In addition to urging the action forward into the starts of a climax.
Atelos
Style: It's great to see such improvement from your first works on this site. Having read your quest for the Dragon's Maw, I can see that advancement in every facet of your writing style. Like Alain, you again brought the focus upon your character. The transformation was not only well done, but short enough in prose to make it a significant altercation.
Certain phrases I did find redundant, and at times I felt as though you were slipping back into your old ways of. Atelos did this then he did that. Atelos. Just with different words. However, this wasn't significant enough to distract me from a solid post.
Realism: You matched Proto's Super Move with your own. Exactly how I predicted and I honestly didn't really expect anything more from you. With your transformation you went above what I expected, but that only served to help me understand this 'control' Hades has over Atelos and just how vicious of a character he is in his own right. Although not spoken directly about, the actions you took alone cite the desperation and the strain on your character's body and health, and I didn't find anything that would be outside the realm of Atelos' capabilities.
Grammar: Solid. A couple run-on sentences, and like I pointed out above some misused words and had some repetition. However, nothing significant enough that would make your post any less awesome.
Cohesion: Like Alain you provided a nice counter to Proto's storyteller. Drawing me back in to your character in an attempt to understand more about him and the others fighting him. Although slightly different, your writing works well in a response to Proto's own, and that's probably because you have written with him so often.
Final Round 1 Thoughts: I'll see how Round 2 plays out, but if you all do just as good of a job, you're going to force me to nitpick and crunch some stat numbers and damage points to make a final decision. Great read so far.
Since I feel like I should say something about the couple posts before the official start of the fight: they were brilliant. In the sense that they perfectly riled me up to enjoy the upcoming 'battle' for the Artefact. Whirda and Proto defying Dio's initial deception; the latter's rants in an attempt of vain diplomacy, and finally the precipice where all hell breaks loose and Hades is unleashes himself upon the Spartan Atelos.
Round 1
Whirda
Style: Direct with just enough detail for my mind to wander and paint of picture of what is happening. I never felt confused once reading your post and out of the entirety of your first post I found only one sentence phrase that struck me as awkward. Other than that you have written in a manner that demands attention, and in a tense battle, that is the way to go. It's action as it should be.
Realism: Only minor gripe I have is, it kinda felt like everyone was still in top form at the start of combat - despite having to topple a massive beastie to begin with. That is not to say I found anything that completely I said 'no' that couldn't happen with. Everything fell within the bounds of what I considered your character (and others) capable of, and was described in a way that I found easy to understand.
Grammar: If there were any errors, I didn't find them myself. Nearly flawless.
Cohesion: Remarkably well done. In combat with this many participants it is hard to not have the entire post be a cluster of disjoint moments as you swap in between perspectives. However, you did so masterfully here. Every character had a role, and not only that, I felt as though everything that they did held weight and would be something that the character's themselves would do in this particular situation.
Alain
Style: Your post made me smile and laugh - in a good way. I loved how much I could practically see of your character bleeding through and into your post. You take roleplaying so literally it almost feels like (from this post) that your character is writing the events. You focused on yourself - which is fine - and provided humor to an otherwise all serious kill and death filled situation.
Realism: I did have to question whether or not (even in stealth) anyone present - despite how involved in combat they are - would notice Alain's moves towards the objects of their desire. But, as with Whirda I didn't think anything was really out of place. You played to your character's strong suit: analyzed the situation and tried to act upon the information you garnered.
Grammar: A few awkward phrases for my tastes; a couple of imprecise words and a few instances of passive voice. Other than that, completely solid. Nothing really distracted me from my reading.
Cohesion: I liked the perspective transition from focusing on the fight as a whole, to then pulling it in and making the happenings relevant to you on a personal level. It's a good counter-balance to Whirda's initial post.
Protoman
Style: I've always liked the way you write. It's less roleplaying and more actual storytelling in that regard. Both styles (as you can see with my comments regarding Alain's work) are inherently appealing to me. But, it is so refreshing to see it done in a way that has just enough direction to hone the focus of a topic back in and remind me that this IS a battle royal with a single prize.
Realism: You highlighted the chaos of a entire field of battle. There should be chaos. Everyone attacking everyone else. Tentative alliances questioned, and doubts about everyone all around. It becomes a question as to whether or not even friends are out from themselves. And that last heart-wrenching bit with 'Blues' wondering if Whirda would kill him to claim the prize was the kind of desperation I've been longing to see from the start. The act of firing his Finish Buster made it all the more 'real.'
Grammar: Like Whirda, nearly flawless. I myself couldn't find any outright errors in your work.
Cohesion: Excellent work here. I'm finding it hard to come up with other things to say other than that. Every aspect of the battle is considered, you brought everyone back together, and drew the story as a whole back into a focal point; all-the-while keeping everyone important and in their combative roles. In addition to urging the action forward into the starts of a climax.
Atelos
Style: It's great to see such improvement from your first works on this site. Having read your quest for the Dragon's Maw, I can see that advancement in every facet of your writing style. Like Alain, you again brought the focus upon your character. The transformation was not only well done, but short enough in prose to make it a significant altercation.
Certain phrases I did find redundant, and at times I felt as though you were slipping back into your old ways of. Atelos did this then he did that. Atelos. Just with different words. However, this wasn't significant enough to distract me from a solid post.
Realism: You matched Proto's Super Move with your own. Exactly how I predicted and I honestly didn't really expect anything more from you. With your transformation you went above what I expected, but that only served to help me understand this 'control' Hades has over Atelos and just how vicious of a character he is in his own right. Although not spoken directly about, the actions you took alone cite the desperation and the strain on your character's body and health, and I didn't find anything that would be outside the realm of Atelos' capabilities.
Grammar: Solid. A couple run-on sentences, and like I pointed out above some misused words and had some repetition. However, nothing significant enough that would make your post any less awesome.
Cohesion: Like Alain you provided a nice counter to Proto's storyteller. Drawing me back in to your character in an attempt to understand more about him and the others fighting him. Although slightly different, your writing works well in a response to Proto's own, and that's probably because you have written with him so often.
Final Round 1 Thoughts: I'll see how Round 2 plays out, but if you all do just as good of a job, you're going to force me to nitpick and crunch some stat numbers and damage points to make a final decision. Great read so far.
![[Image: c7u9HTN.png]](http://i.imgur.com/c7u9HTN.png)