01-25-2017, 05:10 PM
Rythem is good, solid, based around what they call 'masculine' rhymes, which are on-syllable rhymes at the end of a sentence. Although you do use 'feminine' rhymes (rhymes that are longer than one syllable) on occasion you are definitely rhyming on the last syllable.
As for content, there's a lot to like. You are brave with your metaphors (especially in the last paragraph), which is a good thing, and it pays off. This is a poem about pain and is made to convey pain, which should make one mentally flinch away from the poem, and it does that. By using the first-person vantage-point you are forcing the reader to acknowledge the narrator as a character, and experience that character's very specific loss. My favorite paragraph is the second-to-last. It is a fairly deep insight into relationship dynamics and insight (having unique and intelligent ideas) cannot be taught.
One piece of concrete criticism; drop the 'succubus in disguise' line. 'Succubus' kind of implies she was in disguise already.
As for content, there's a lot to like. You are brave with your metaphors (especially in the last paragraph), which is a good thing, and it pays off. This is a poem about pain and is made to convey pain, which should make one mentally flinch away from the poem, and it does that. By using the first-person vantage-point you are forcing the reader to acknowledge the narrator as a character, and experience that character's very specific loss. My favorite paragraph is the second-to-last. It is a fairly deep insight into relationship dynamics and insight (having unique and intelligent ideas) cannot be taught.
One piece of concrete criticism; drop the 'succubus in disguise' line. 'Succubus' kind of implies she was in disguise already.
![[Image: V4Dvvfy.gif]](https://i.imgur.com/V4Dvvfy.gif)