04-23-2015, 04:21 AM
I would like to Nominate On The Run(Mami) and Hero Meets Unhappy Camper for next weeks Book Club.
Unfortunately I have been extremely busy and am currently behind on writing in my own thread, so I was only able to get one up, but I will try to get the others as well.
Let me just start by saying that this was a great read. Good choice for nomination Atelos!
1st Person Vs 3rd Person:
The main problem people have when they come across work done in first person is the redundancy of all of the ‘I’s. That problem simply, doesn’t exist with your work. Normally work done in the first person bothers me to no end and constantly rips me from the story, but you’ve done a nice job of presenting it to me in a manner that I am not bothered in the slightest. Well done.
Simple error I caught:
Remove one of your ‘ands’ so that it reads,
which I think you'll agree, flows better.
Awesomeness:
The bog creature you fought with reminded me of the Lord of the Rings scene outside the Dwarf catacombs through the mountain. Good choice in monster!
I reread your bio because your story intrigued me and I wanted to know more and I gotta say: Good stuff. Your character is ALOT like mine, so you’re A-OK in my book. (Go Batman complex characters! Wooo!) Also, you’re like a DBZ style Wizard and that’s just ‘Wtf Omg Badass’ originality I'd like to see more of around here.
1st Person Vs 3rd Person:
You have begun switching back and forth from first person to third person. This can become annoying as it can pull the reader away from the story, but as I said before, due to the smoothness of you execution in first person, I barely noticed and it wasn’t that bad.
Awesomeness:
The darkness/wraith enemy you encountered was cool. I love seeing mental powered foes that use telepathy style attacks. Like Atelos/Gilgamesh, you fight some really cool enemies. Right on, my dude.
At first I felt as though you jumped to helping the Darkshire guard to quickly as I didn’t see this as believable, however, you quickly made it believable by eluding to his achievements against the undead in his own world, making this seem to be the norm for your character. It was a nice save for me.
I like how you show us the rough times facing Darkshire with the burning of the slain guardsmen.
Of course, now you’re taking on a Sludge Belcher! Lol, awesome. <3
I like how the undead of Straizo’s world were different than what he was encountering here and that it took him out of his comfort zone.
Oh no, down goes Straizo. Good job. I would have felt it a little unbelievable if you had kept on trucking after all the action you had been through. Especially with the hook impaling you the way it did.
Rumford is from Diablo! Nice! The star falling from the sky and the dead rising tipped me off. ^_^
I like how you made mention of not having any proof for Dimitri. It wasn’t needed and wouldn’t be noticed if it wasn’t there at all, but I think it made the post better as it made me think, “o0o0o0o0oh, that’s right, Straizo didn’t need armor or weaponry” Good stuff ^_^
Straizo is so like Sasuke its nuts. Down to help out, but not if it means getting in the way of his own goals. Go anti-heros!
Bugs, it had to be bugs. Big ass centipede bugs lol
Nemesis is an even better enemy than all the rest! Loved his fear manipulation as it gave us great insight into the character, Straizo and thus was a great technique used by you, the writer. Also, way to keep introducing new and instant classic foes for your character to battle. Its definitely a strong point for you.
Oh no, Cork! We always instantly love the big guys, way to exploit that! Lol.
Sounds legit and it’s a nice long term goal to have. Woot, overall a very nice read and I am really proud I nominated you for Shining Star. I really know how to pick ‘em, ha!
Unfortunately I have been extremely busy and am currently behind on writing in my own thread, so I was only able to get one up, but I will try to get the others as well.
Search for Power:
Let me just start by saying that this was a great read. Good choice for nomination Atelos!
1st Person Vs 3rd Person:
The main problem people have when they come across work done in first person is the redundancy of all of the ‘I’s. That problem simply, doesn’t exist with your work. Normally work done in the first person bothers me to no end and constantly rips me from the story, but you’ve done a nice job of presenting it to me in a manner that I am not bothered in the slightest. Well done.
Simple error I caught:
Quote:“Welcome to the Pale Moors, place of desecration and darkness and death.”
Remove one of your ‘ands’ so that it reads,
Quote:“Welcome to the Pale Moors, place of desecration, darkness, and death.”
which I think you'll agree, flows better.
Awesomeness:
The bog creature you fought with reminded me of the Lord of the Rings scene outside the Dwarf catacombs through the mountain. Good choice in monster!
I reread your bio because your story intrigued me and I wanted to know more and I gotta say: Good stuff. Your character is ALOT like mine, so you’re A-OK in my book. (Go Batman complex characters! Wooo!) Also, you’re like a DBZ style Wizard and that’s just ‘Wtf Omg Badass’ originality I'd like to see more of around here.
1st Person Vs 3rd Person:
You have begun switching back and forth from first person to third person. This can become annoying as it can pull the reader away from the story, but as I said before, due to the smoothness of you execution in first person, I barely noticed and it wasn’t that bad.
Awesomeness:
The darkness/wraith enemy you encountered was cool. I love seeing mental powered foes that use telepathy style attacks. Like Atelos/Gilgamesh, you fight some really cool enemies. Right on, my dude.
At first I felt as though you jumped to helping the Darkshire guard to quickly as I didn’t see this as believable, however, you quickly made it believable by eluding to his achievements against the undead in his own world, making this seem to be the norm for your character. It was a nice save for me.
I like how you show us the rough times facing Darkshire with the burning of the slain guardsmen.
Of course, now you’re taking on a Sludge Belcher! Lol, awesome. <3
I like how the undead of Straizo’s world were different than what he was encountering here and that it took him out of his comfort zone.
Oh no, down goes Straizo. Good job. I would have felt it a little unbelievable if you had kept on trucking after all the action you had been through. Especially with the hook impaling you the way it did.
Rumford is from Diablo! Nice! The star falling from the sky and the dead rising tipped me off. ^_^
I like how you made mention of not having any proof for Dimitri. It wasn’t needed and wouldn’t be noticed if it wasn’t there at all, but I think it made the post better as it made me think, “o0o0o0o0oh, that’s right, Straizo didn’t need armor or weaponry” Good stuff ^_^
Straizo is so like Sasuke its nuts. Down to help out, but not if it means getting in the way of his own goals. Go anti-heros!
Bugs, it had to be bugs. Big ass centipede bugs lol
Nemesis is an even better enemy than all the rest! Loved his fear manipulation as it gave us great insight into the character, Straizo and thus was a great technique used by you, the writer. Also, way to keep introducing new and instant classic foes for your character to battle. Its definitely a strong point for you.
Oh no, Cork! We always instantly love the big guys, way to exploit that! Lol.
Quote:"Yeah, I know..." Strazio ambled over to the ladder and looked down "I'm going to get stronger Dmitri, next time you see me I'll be tearing the gates off Dracula's castle. Mark my words"
Sounds legit and it’s a nice long term goal to have. Woot, overall a very nice read and I am really proud I nominated you for Shining Star. I really know how to pick ‘em, ha!
Dante's Abyss 2015
GRAND CHAMPION
![[Image: Sasuke_DA_zpsb4vizgxd.png]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/02/07/Sasuke_DA_zpsb4vizgxd.png)
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